The Rossman's Reader Mail

See, sometimes I actually DO get serious mail from people. Mail that requires thought and a well articulated response in order to properly reply and answer the askee's original question... Not that I GIVE any real thought or a well articulated response, I'm just saying that letters like this require that stuff to be fully appreciated. Anyway, here's a question about the legalities of fansubs and their (supposed) destruction of the American anime industry.

Go to the Question about Justin Sevakis' "Open Letter to the Industry" E-MAIL

I do like fan mail. Really. Unless it's stupid fan mail. Most of my fan mail is stupid fan mail. That's why, if you want to write to me, please try to make it hate mail. Hate mail is ALWAYS fun. Stupid fan mail is simply painful. 100% of the time. See below.

The stupid fan mail in question:

Hello Rossman!

I like your reviews, they are all really informative and helpful in helpig me decide the anime I will watch next. I trust your opinion because it is so much like mine so please tell me what you think of the following anime!!!

Aa Megami-sama (TV)
Aa Megami-sama: Sorezore no Tsubasa (TV)
Aa Megami-sama: Tatakau Tsubasa (special)
Aa! Megamisama! (OAV)
(The) Adventures of Mini-Goddess (TV)
Adventures of Patapata Aircraft (TV)
(The) Adventures of Tweeny Witches (TV)
Afro Samurai (TV)
Ah! My Goddess: The Movie
Akira (movie)
Alien Nine (special)
All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku (OAV)
All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku DASH! (OAV)
All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku TV
Ane to Boin (OAV)
Angel Links (TV)
Animation Runner Kuromi (OAV)
Animation Runner Kuromi 2 (OAV)
Appleseed (OAV)
Appleseed (movie)
Appleseed (TV)
Appleseed Ex Machina (movie)
Aquarian Age - Sign for Evolution (TV)
Aquarian Age Saga II ~ Don't forget me... ~ (OAV)
Aquarian Age the Movie (OAV)
Aquarion (TV)
Arcadia of My Youth (movie)
Area 88 (OAV)
Arjuna (TV)
Armitage III (OAV)
Armitage III Polymatrix (movie)
Armitage: Dual-Matrix (movie)
Assemble Insert (OAV)
Azumanga Daioh (TV)
[EDITED BY ME, the Rossman, SINCE THIS WAS ONLY THE As, AND THIS LIST WENT ON FOR OVER 500 MORE TITLES]

Thank you!!!!! I'm waitning for your resonse!!!

Loki

My response:

First things first, not everybody on the internet lives to serve you, Loki... Except for some of the better live chat/video feed pr0n sites out there. They're the exception to the rule. To give somebody an enormous list like this and expect them to spend hours (if not days) filling it all out is extremely assholic of you. Yes, I like to give my opinion about a great many things, and if you had simply kept the list to a maximum of ten you'd have had a much better chance of a polite response. Douchebag.

the MEGA POSTER Secondly, it appears that you simply went to the Anime News Network and copied down EVERYTHING they have listed in their encyclopedia, not even bothering to check to see if I've already reviewed any of the titles in question (which as a matter of fact I have already reviewed over 20 that I've noticed in a very quick scan). When you don't even do your homework and still expect a treat... No.

Thirdly, you don't even ask if I've seen any of the titles you presented me with, you just assume that I have absolutely NO life and have spent the last 20 years watching every piece of shitty anime that's ever been produced, just waiting for you to ask me about it. True, I really don't have a life, but that's not for your benefit, Loki, it's for mine. I live for sloth. This site is work enough for me in my free time, I don't ever want to work anymore than I already do unless it's for oodles of cash. Oodles.

But just in case you didn't read any of the above and are just skimming this reply for my reviews for you, here goes:

I thought every single one of these shows rocked balls. Buy them all. Take out a loan and purchase every last one of them. You will thank me for it.

-the Rossman

(PS, I also like how you indescriminately mixed in hentai series in your list as well as pure kiddy shows. You are one strange monster, Loki. Now go back to whacking it to your own personal Dragon Ball Z/Sailor Moon fanfics)

Yes, I know, these "Nigerian E-mail Schemes" are almost as old as the world wide web is. Yes, I also know that baiting these schemers is a sport that's just about as ancient as the con itself. I have been doing it myself for a few years now (sending replies back to those who try to hit me up for my hard-earned/stolen savings by claiming that if I send them some money to open up some financial international doors, they'll send me millions that they need to hide from their government or their people or their family or the mafia [or somesuch shit]), trying to see just how much I could lead them on for before they gave up on me. Most only last 2-3 letters before they're on to me, seeing as I just can't help but get ridiculous early on (there's no way I can equal the master-baiters who actually entice their would-be cash predators into acting out scenes from Monty Python's Flying Circus and sending them the videos [check out youtube for proof], but doing what I do still gives me fits of giggles, and wastes a little bit of the con people's times I hope).

Anyway, below is one such ping-pong of messages and replies between me and a scammer.

Go to the Princess Sarah Johnson E-MAIL

This is the first time in ages that I actually initiated the pack of e-mails I'm about to present. After writing my review about the ass-tastic Michael Bay Transformers the Movie Script I decided to look online to see what other reviewers thought about it. Sure enough, everybody agreed with me: This script is what gets flushed down the toilet after a botched abortion -- what with the mangled fetus, blood, some parts of the ripped-apart uterus and some sloppy, day-old, breakfast burrito that the ex-mommy-to-be had to shit away while she was on the can... But then I came upon LatinoReview.

Normally, LatinoReview is the pillar of stability within the world of dicksuck, lame, movie news and reviews sites on the web, but El Mayimbe's Transformers Script Review was nothing but a sloppy, but cheerful,"Rusty Trombone" performed upon Bay and his script writers (he actually gave it an "A fucking +"). Whereas I (and all the other reviewers of the treatment) actually gave plenty of specific reasons for why this screenplay was the very worst we'd ever read since Wing Commander (why did I even read that thing all the way through?), El Mayimbe just kept insisting that this was the greatest thing since hookers who took credit cards, and he never gave any evidence to back his claims of its awesomeness the fuck up (not that there is any, just that he didn't even try). And he stated over and over again, in case we doubted him, "I’m a Transformers fan" and "I love Michael Bay's hairy cock and balls!!!111one11"... Okay, he never did WRITE that second quote, but his review definitely reflects that train of thought, what with praising Bad Boys 1 and 2, Armageddon and The Island during his writeup on Transformers. And it drove me to first contact him in order to figure out how some (semi)professional reviewer could possibly write such an amateurish essay... Well, just click here to read what happened.

Go to the El Mayimbe Transformers Script E-MAIL

No two people are alike. Thanks, Nana, for that pearl of wisdom. This world would be a whole lot better though if everybody DID think like me, but what are you going to do. Below is an email from somebody who doesn't think like me, but who DOES like to hold his breath and stamp his feet when he comes across another individual who is ~~different~~ superior to himself.

The original full-on e-mail from Al Mitchell:

Subject: your fma rewiw

dude you are retarded i didn't even see the movie but i have seen ever single episode of the show and know that if you thought it was bad the movie must be the greatest thing ever made

piss off cuz you suck

My Response:

Bwa ha ha ha ha!!! Awesome, you're just like my little sister when we were growing up. Whenever I'd bash She-Ra -- Princess of Power while she was watching it ("She-Ra only likes other girls, you know. Plus Hordak is gay. This show sucks!") she'd throw a hissy fit and go crying to mommy, "tattling" on me because I didn't like what she liked.
You are such a fine example of a mature reader on the intarwebs, Al.

Anyway, as for FMA, if you actually DID see the entire show, and you DID in fact read my ENTIRE review of it, you would see that my reasons for thinking that the show was shat out by a hack-squad of amatuer writers hold up very well (i.e. the fact that rules that govern the FMA universe are created, ignored, then implemented again to cover sloppy storytelling, the Fullmetal Archer cameo in the last few eps, and the entire subplot of "what is beyond the gate" is the most pathetically lame copout EVER created for a show that started out with such unlimited potential, like this one).

If you think I am wrong, please use logic (might be hard for you) to counter any of my points (reread my entire review for ALL of them), instead of being a whiney pussy and just bitching because you like shitty plots and gay endings. Or just go read the manga and see what the anime writers should have done with their story. Or just sneak into your parents' room and whack-off over your sleeping mother like you normally do this time of night.

-the Rossman

I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- I love hate mail. When I get it I usually try to piss off the original sender with my response (it's easy to see who's fake hate-mailing me, and I don't even bother with responding to those jokes). If they respond to my response, then I take it one step further. Lather, rinse, repeat until I piss them off so goddamn much that they get smart and realize that arguing on the internet is just like that famous internet cliche-image says (i.e. it's like running in the Special Olympics... Even if you win, you're still retarded).

The problem with the following conversation below, between me and "user name: Akuma real name: Jordan" is that he just wouldn't get the hint that all I was doing was insulting him. He kept replying and replying over the course of a full fucking week (which is why this email needed an entire page all to itself). Considering HIS responses weren't really all that mean or nasty in return (even when I began insulting his mother) -- they're just stupid -- I'm pretty sure that he wasn't trying the same social experiment on me. Anyway, click here to read the happenings in all their glory.

Go to the MEGA E-MAIL

Do parents actually allow their children to believe in shit like Harry Potter, Hobbits, and God? Well I guess that's all fine and dandy, but to then let these deluded youths actually get an email address with the name emmawatsonbestfan@blahblahblah and then attack innocent websites, like mine, where they try to push their brainwashed beliefs in others' faces like it's the one and only true religion of the world... The goddamn NERVE of these social outcasts!

The original Owl Post:

Harry Potter Is Not Devil
Worshiping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is what J.K Rowling does not want to happen!!

you ticked me off
harry potter is good for people

Hermione Granger

My Realistic Response:

Holy shit... You really think you're Hermititty Granger, don't you. Wow, mom must be so proud.

As for my review of the first four Potthead books, I stand by them. It's quite obvious, if looked at from a different point of view other than Harry's, that Harry and his cronies are MUCH more dangerous to the other children at Hogwarts than Malfoy and his crew. How many times in his life does Harry almost get someone else killed or mamed? Hell, how many times does someone really get whacked (i.e. get made dead as a broomstick up the ass) thanks to him. I can think of five people off the top of my head.

Also, who are we to argue if Satan herself tells us that she invented Harry Potter to corrupt weak-willed children into an eternity of hellfire and brimstone? I believe her, and so should you. Disbelieving Satan really pisses her off, but that in turn will get you a better seat in Hell, so... I don't remember what my point was. Heil Satan!

-the Rossman

(P.S. Harry Potter IS gay)

Hate Mail is the BEST mail! When I get fan mail (mail in which people just suck my dick and cream all over themselves while talking about me) I can only respond with "Thanks. Now clean up your keyboard." But when I get Hate Mail, well, then I get to respond like I did with this guy.

The Message:
You must be in heaven when you found the internet to spew out your opinions.

What do your opinions have in common with a fart?

1. It makes you feel good … really!
2. Everybody get to hear it… unless we all switch URL’s
3. And they stink! … they certainly do!

Have a nice day.

Zal Puchkoff

My Anti-Hate Response:
> You must be in heaven when you found
> the internet to spew out your opinions.

Hog's Heaven... Just like you when you discovered that dressing up in your mom's underwear "just felt right".

> What do your opinions have in common
> with a fart?

Wow! Your list below of my opinions and farts matches "your mother" as well! Check it out!

> 1. It makes you feel good . really!

Unless you look at her face while fucking her... I advise double bagging it. You know, one bag on your head, one on hers, in case one falls off.

> 2. Everybody get to hear it.

My GOD! Does the woman moan like a banshee! People in Tibet have called me up after fucking the bitch ragged and offered me congratulations!

> 3. And they stink! . they certainly do!

True that. Man, the woman could use a bath... All that body massage-oil starts to stink after a day of fucking her in the ass. In the ASS I say!

> Have a nice day.
> Zal Puchkoff

You bet I will! She's coming over in about five min-... Oh, the doorbell. I better start microwaving the butter and finish polishing the studs on the leash.

-the Rossman

Most people think I'm a hard-hitting, right wing nutcase just because I hate liberals so damn much. What they fail to see though is that I hate Jesus-ass-kissing righties with just as much passion (pun intended). And I think that Greenies are pussies too. Fuck them all. Anyway, below is a letter that got me wondering how the world at large actually perceives me (and by "world at large" I mean that one guy in Philly who stumbled across my page while looking for "horse cock" on Google. Hey, Maurice!)

The Politically Wonder-filled Message:
Just out of curiosity, why do you hate liberals so much? Yes the far lefters are mostly punk-faggots and pussies who'll run to Canada at the first sign of a draft, but most of the far righters I’ve met were assholes and racists who didn’t want none of them colored folk on their golf courses or in their precious NASCAR circut.

I’ve developed a fool proof political method: I hate everybody, myself included. Hate 'em with equality, that’s my motto.

Oh and thanks. You're website was about the only things that got me through my hellacious senior year of college. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Yes, laughter and pennicilin.

My Politically Charged Response:

Oh, I agree. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise, Pumpkin. Most ANYONE who brings up politics in a conversation is a dick. These political spewers can't possibly fathom the fact that others believe something other than their puked out drivel. But it has been my experience that lefties are MUCH more vocal about their opinions than righties. Yeah, if you bring up a conversation about a kid expelled from school for saying "I like Jesus" you'll more than likely rile one of the more right wingers up with a "They can't DO that! Evil bastards!" But a lefty will start spouting anti-Bush sentiments if you're talking about the weather or the size of Tiger Wood's penis. You'll be all like "Seriously, I think that electricity is the greatest invention that mankind has ever created," and a passing liberal will jump in with, "Hmmm, maybe, but George Bush is so fucking evil that he killed John F. Kennedy's mother during the Vietnam War! GODDAMN HIM TO HELL!!!!"

Plus most (yeah, I only said "most") libs are soooo fucking closed minded. Even when confronted with a righty idea that actually saves them shitloads of longterm money (i.e. privatizing Social Security), they will fight against it till the bitter end because, and simply because, a conservative thought it up. That's like somebody saying, "You know that new pill they invented that eliminates cellulite and all fatty guts and thighs from a person with just one dose and makes everybody who takes it look hotter than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?... Well fuck that shit! I heard that one of them Eskimos invented that devil-pill! No way in Hell I'll ever touch one of 'em now! Whale-lard-lovering fucks!"

So, to recap, ALL people who talk politics as if they know 100% what the fuck they're talking about because they skimmed an article about it on Yahoo News one day suck ass. I try my best to stay out of any political talk in my daily life, but I have been known to take both left and right points of view depending on who's talking crap in front of the water cooler on any given day... But more than likely it's a lefty doing the crap talking.

-the Rossman

Fanboys scare me. They do. It doesn't matter what they're a fan of, they scare the piss out of me. Political fanboys are the worst though. Seriously, they're all fat, retarded, annoying and LOUD. Take this email for instance, and notice how all the writer does is YELL, and he never even makes a point. I hope he dies soon. Very soon.

The Star Warsed Message:

You are a complete moron and an idiot! First of all your review of the Star Wars Saga was pathetic. You hardly touched upon the plots of any of the movies and all you did was rant about the bad parts of the story! Why do you bother to even write any web pages up? If you want to talk about the movies you should have at least talked about how the Emperor is actually George Lucas's comentary on George W.B ush and his administration. He made up a war, killed off tons of innocent people, got himself more power and reelected, and then turned into Adolf Hitler! George W. Bush is the fucking emperor! Write about that, moron!

My (non-fanboy) Response:

I'm a "moron and an idiot", huh? So I must give you a pair of descriptive synonyms in return... Hmmm, how about, you are a "liberal fanboy" aaaaaaaaaaand a "fat, fucktard who loves to take it up the ass from the strap-on that his mommy's been doing him with ever since he caught her in the shower when he was 10 and started whacking it to the memory of that glimpse every night with his bedroom door open so she'd catch him and join him."

Anyway, you put down my review because I cover the history of Star Wars more than the actual films... Well, if you don't know the plots of the films already, you must be a blind and deaf commie. And fuck you, commie. Even my 4 year-old nephew knows the whole fucking Star Wars story! He was telling me just the other day, "Uncle Rossman, why for did Darth Vader get a ghost at the end of Episode VI when not even Qui-Gon, who fucking TOLD Yoda and Obi-Wan how to ghostify themselves, did?" If he understands this shit that much, you are... Well, YOU are the ball lickers. Go to theforce.net and masturbate to the newest fanfiction that places Padme and Leia in a hottub together with an oiled up Jawa.

Now on to your final "point"... no, wait, that's not even close to a point, what you made there. "George Lucas made the Emperor and his rise to power as a commentary to the Bush Jr. Administration?".... What the fuck are you smoking? First of all, the idea for the rise of the Empire and the collapse of the Galactic Republic was on George's fucking mind since pretty much the very beginning (so somewhere between the mid 70s and the early 80s). IF it's a commentary on anything US Presidential, dickass, it's about how FDR (a Liberal) conned America into WWII by pissing on the Nazis' shoes and spitting in Japan's Asian face, while fucking over Churchill and giving Stalin a blowjob (that's right, genius, FDR started the fucking Cold War by letting Communist Russia fuck us up our asses at the end of WWII and take most of Eastern Europe under their evil commie wing). OR it's about how JFK (another slimy Lib) got us stuck in 'Nam (for which Nixon, a Conservative, got us out).... I refuse to talk to you anymore about this, as you are apparently too stupid to understand actual reality.

Yours truly,
-the Rossman

The SW Message Back:

LOLOLOL! You are so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me Again:

Thanks! If your arguments are this well thought out I might as well add "You're mother's a whore. A FAT whore who can't even make any money selling her fat cunt on the streets."

Good day.

-the Rossman

I think that most teenagers today are punk ass bitches. I yell at them to get off my lawn and I run them over while they skateboard and thrash on the sidewalk at the mall. But every once in a while I read about something like this letter below, and it makes me proud that I was once a sonovabitch teen not so long ago myself. God bless the future of our country!

The Message:
The Rossman-

I just wanted to say that your website is the great, its funny simply because you can be a dickhead online and no-one can do a god-damn thing about it. And, as a dumb teenager, this seems to impress me in ways I can't understand.

But hands down, I think the funniest things here on the site are your How-To guides. Your either a genius or a raging alcoholic that is addicted to poon like any other self-respecting American male.

Right now, your probably wondering why im telling you all of this. Well, you see, I had this project I was supposed to do (Remember, still in high school) And I was supposed to do it on someone that has made a major impact on my life. Well I, like the lazy jerk I am, didn't do it. So, in my 1st mod class, My fat-ass friend dan asks me if I did it. Knowing me, he knew my response was "Fuck no". Then we both laughed and I said "You know who I should have done it on? Rossman!" And we both started laughing. Well one thing lead to another, and I actually did the project. I Grabbed a piece of black cardstock, glued it to a piece of cardboard, and Wrote "Rossman" at the top. Then, I grabbed a digital camera, took a picture of Dan, and edited his face to have a be pure black with a giant question mark on it. And then I went and copy/pasted your guides onto my piece of cardboard. (I didn't mark the webpage or anything, and I didn't even edit out the swear words. It was just in a basic text kinda thing. My English teacher is a bitch anyway, I really hate her. Shes the type of person you will expect to see in hell if you bone to many nice girls with tight bodys.) Anyway, apparently that wasn't school appropriate. How the fuck was I supposed to know? But yeah, im suspended for 5 days. So basically, this entire letter is to thank you for my new vacation. Seriously, how stupid can a school be to give you time off for being a dick?

So, thanks Rossman for my 7 day weekend.

My Honored Response:

If this story is true, it is the most fucking awesome thing ever. To help you get through your week off, here's a site that gives out shitloads of passwords to tons of porn sites, and they do requests too! God bless them!

http://www.**************.com/
(editor's note: You fuckers reading this now don't get the link, since you didn't earn jack shit)

-the Rossman

Go to the Reader Mail Archive for MORE! Yay!

or Go Back to the Rossman Chronicle

This site (design and text) is a copyrighted Rossman Production. Do not copy any of it or I will come over there and rip off your sack and feed it to your dog. All celebrities named on this page are impersonated for their and your protection. They're rich and famous and all that caca, so I'm allowed to "satirize" them and pretend that they said this shit. Ain't America great!!

If you want to get in touch with me you can click on that e-mail button on the right. But I must ask that if you do so, please make sure that your message is somewhat meaningful. Questions about the site are good. Questions about where my family lives are bad. If you want to send me lesbian pornography, that is good. If you want to send me pictures of your mother, that is bad (unless she's like 30 or younger and has a nice rack). You get the idea.