This is the first time in ages that I actually initiated the pack of e-mails I'm about to present. After writing my review about the ass-tastic Michael Bay Transformers the Movie Script I decided to look online to see what other reviewers thought about it. Sure enough, everybody agreed with me: This script is what gets flushed down the toilet after a botched abortion -- what with the mangled fetus, blood, some parts of the ripped-apart uterus and some sloppy, day-old, breakfast burrito that the ex-mommy-to-be had to shit away while she was on the can... But then I came upon LatinoReview.
Normally, LatinoReview is the pillar of stability within the world of dicksuck, lame, movie news and reviews sites on the web, but El Mayimbe's Transformers Script Review was nothing but a sloppy, but cheerful,"Rusty Trombone" performed upon Bay and his script writers (he actually gave it an "A fucking +"). Whereas I (and all the other reviewers of the treatment) actually gave plenty of specific reasons for why this screenplay was the very worst we'd ever read since Wing Commander (why did I even read that thing all the way through?), El Mayimbe just kept insisting that this was the greatest thing since hookers who took credit cards, and he never gave any evidence to back his claims of its awesomeness the fuck up (not that there is any, just that he didn't even try). And he stated over and over again, in case we doubted him, "I’m a Transformers fan" and "I love Michael Bay's hairy cock and balls!!!111one11"... Okay, he never did WRITE that second quote, but his review definitely reflects that train of thought, what with praising Bad Boys 1 and 2, Armageddon and The Island during his writeup on Transformers. And it drove me to first contact him in order to figure out how some (semi)professional reviewer could possibly write such an amateurish essay... Well, just read below to see what happened.
The Original Message (from me to El Mayimbe):
Wow! All I can say after reading your script review on Transformers the movie (Bay's version) is "WOW!!"... I did not realize that anybody could have his head that far up his own anus and still be able to breathe, let alone suck the dick of Michael Bay and his crew... Or maybe you only suck it while he is ass-raping you.
That script is just godawful. Even if you were to eliminate any references to Transformers in it and just make it a "giant robots invading Earth, looking for something they lost" script it would still be the stinking pile of rancid dog shit that it is.
You singlehandedly have altered my entire view of Latino Review. I used to think you guys were people with taste, but I guess I stand corrected.
El Mayimbe's Eloquent Response:
I don't give a SHIT!
Your name is Uber
You can just tell by reading that response that this boy is a professional writer, can't you. That retort by a "writer" is the equivolent of a stand-up comic dealing with a heckler by telling him, "Oh.. Oh yeah?!?! Well, I'm gonna go home and cry while my mommy wipes my stinky bottom!.... nuff said!"
Honestly, even though his review was disturbingly frightful I still expected a bit more... what's the word?.. manliness in his response. I was seriously getting ready for a typed-out anal ripping from somebody who wrote for LatinoReview.
Anyway, I then followed it up with this:
You are the greatest comeback artist of the goddamn century. That truly put me in my place. I defecated my boxers out of pure, unadulterated fear due to the fierceness of your reply.
Obviously you are taking it up the chocolate monkey dispensor by Bay and company, and the orgasmic pleasure of his tiny dick is making you absolutely blind to the total shittiness of the script at hand.
Tell me this, if you possibly can, please tell me one good part of that script. Anything... Even if it is just one fucking line, remind me of something (even the tiniest redeemable blurb) that will not make this finalized movie shit all over its viewers' eyes... Was it the line "more than meets the eye" that was used 60 times throughout the course of the thing? Was it that Prime is actually a complete pussy who refuses to save his own soldiers (kidnapped by humans no less)? Was it the fact that Megatron was defeated by a pussy human child himself? Just name me one thing about this script that doesn't suck, and I will believe that you are not Michael Bay's butt-buddy.
(and my first name is "the", not "uber"... That's just an adjective, fucktard)
His 2nd Response:
yadda yadda yadda...
who the fuck cares what you have to say
fucktard, que corny
and also your site totally sucks hence your low rating
I was impressed that the faggot knew how to do a google for my e-mail address and find my site, but less impressed with his even more childish behavior. I simply LOVE it when anybody who posts anything online claims that he/she/tranny doesn't care what a reader has to say. Utter bullshit. Caring about what others think about your shit is WHY anybody puts their written words online in the first place. Yes, even I care what others have to say about my site. When they say anything other than "You are the greatest motherfucker on the goddamn planet" though I care just enough to want to set them straight (that's a pun meaning both "correct their thought process" and "make them not gay anymore".... Not that there's anything wrong with that).
My Reply Reply:
You are so completely insecure about your shitty review and your disability to back it up that this is all you can do? Attempt to make fun of my name (when your name is "El Mayimbe") and fire back with a "yadda yadda yadda... who the fuck cares what you have to say"? That's your retort, and you call yourself a "writer"? Your gay lover has more to say with a mouth full of your AIDs chowder.
And apparently you DO care what people have to say about your writing or you wouldn't have posted it on the intarwebs in the first place.
Now please, answer a reader's question -- What the hell do you find good... Hell, not even "good", what do you find decent, about the koala-rapingly bad Transformers script? Please, inquiring minds want to know just how retarded one's mind must be in order to enjoy this thing. Obviously you felt some attachment to it as you gave it the equivolent of "two raging boners up"... Enlighten the masses. And try to stay on topic, Ritalin-boy.
Or are you afraid, Lazlo?
El Mayimbe's Third Response:
The question should be...
...why do you even care what i think or like?!
People are going to make up their own mind regardless
I just don't feel like justifying myself to a loser like you.
If anything when you come at me, come at me correctly and ask your questions if you want to start a dialogue...don't come at me calling me a cocksucker like you did in your first email.
I don't engage in dialogue with corny motherfuckers like you who come at me like the way you did, that is still why after 11 years your site still blows, got no realistic ratings whatsoever, and are just hating.
You're a hater without resources and is wasting his time online.
I make more money part time reviewing scripts for the site than you make at your boring day job.
I really don't care whether you think we got taste or not. When I do a script review, I get more six figure unique visitors that will read what i have to say than you will get in your whole year on your loser site.
So go fuck yourself...go review some cartoon or japanese anime you geek loser...
The "I just don't feel like justifying myself to a loser like you" line can only mean one thing: "Mommy! A mean man said I suck Michael Bay's cock and balls!! Whhhaaaaaa!" And I did in fact start a dialogue with El Mayimbe. Remember in my first letter when I asked if the reason he was such a worthless little piece of shit was because of his mother cutting off his little dick when he was 5, because she wanted a girl, or if it was because he likes to play "red rocket" with his family dog when nobody's looking. THAT'S dialo--.. Oh, well, I MEANT to ask him that.
I am impressed that even though he claims to be a "HUGE Transformers fan" in his original review -- over and over again -- he still thinks that he's cooler than I because I like "japanese anime." I don't think he knows that the Japs actually drew his favorite cartoon, or that his favorite cartoon is aimed at toddlers.
And why does he keep using the word "corny"?
The Follow Up:
At least you attempted to get some insults in this time, but you STILL do not give any reasons for your glowing review of the Transformers script that you wrote while getting a reach-around by Michael Bay. WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME WHY? Seriously, are you ashamed of all the tremendous gay sex that you sold your body for ONE LAME review? It's okay, just be truthful now. Either tell me why you loved it or admit that it is really the screenplay of the eternally damned. That's all I ask for. Then I will stop emailing you.
As for site hits, are you saying that if one has higher stats than another the higher visited site is by default GREATER? If that is the case, then your site is at the BOTTOM of the movie news and reviews pile. AICN, Dark Horizons, and hell, even Counting Down are better than your site by your own words... Except for your shitty TF Script review I honestly thought that LatinoReview blew those crap sites out of the water... thanks for proving me wrong. Also, I guess that MySpace is the greatest website of ALL FUCKING TIME by your definition. Man, that just sucks for the rest of us.
And finally, if you make more money doing a faggy time reviewing scripts than I do at my real job making puke bags for airlines then I guess you must be making a kajillion-bajillion dollars... Monthly. Damn, you so riiiiiiiiich!
(seriously, just tell me why you loved that piece of trash and I'll let it go. Just name me ONE specific good thing about that script. No more email. Isn't that a good trade off?)
El Mayimbe :
I am seriously disappointed that he's being such a complete pussy here. Had this been The Self-Made Critic, the guy from X-Entertainment or hell, even Harry Fucking Knowles, you just know that they'd be witty enough to take a hack like me down a peg or two. El Mayimbe is the world's wussiest critic. Not only does he like complete shit, but he can't even back it up. Read his review of the TF script again. He claims that there's humor in it (there is not) and that it is a fucking hilarious script (it most assuredly is not), but he gives no examples. In my review of the TF script I claim that the attempts at humor are so out of place and groan-inducing (oh, and they are), and I give specific examples (well, I had to narrow it down a bit so that I wasn't quoting the whole damn screenplay). And that code-cracking, fat, "funny" black guy's lines are not funny in the least. They will hurt you, and not with laughter, but with knives to your ears.
And so it ends... for now. I am guessing that because El Mayimbe is such a little girl that he will never write me back (despite the fact that I am writing to him daily from a new hotmail or yahoo account each time just to get a final word from the pansy). Below is the letter that I'm continuing to send the child... Just because I have absolutely nothing else to do, and I'd expect the same treatment (from any asshole reader directed at me) if I ever acted as faggotty (as El Mayimbe obviously is) myself.
The continuously sent letter:
Holy crap. I just reread your review... Did you really think this shit?:
Whatever the fuck the sitemaster is paying you, El, my boy, it is way too goddamn much. Those three points above are (as previously stated by me and the rest of the entire movie-script-reviewing population on the planet) the absolute WORST parts of the movie. I take it back, even if Michael Bay was blowing you for every possitive sentiment in your review, you still wouldn't have praised this rabid piece of bat guano this much or given it an "A+"... An A+!!... You are just a horrible horrible reviewer simply looking for anybody to love you (including incompetent movie writers and directors). Dude, just go hook up with a cheap whore. You'll save more dignity that way.
- "Later we meet MAGGIE MARCONI, 28 and GLEN WHITTMAN who work at a Washington think tank the Rand Corporation. Glen’s character is funny as shit in this."
- "And in a super cool sequence towards the end of Act 1, SOUNDWAVE is aboard AIR FORCE ONE! A Decepticon aboard the same plane as the President!"
- and you actually used this completely and wrongly overused, gay-ass quote in your final thoughts on this stinkpile... "The script is definitely MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE."
(seriously, I'm gonna keep writing until you answer [logically and for real] with ONE DECENT AND SPECIFIC THING that this script had in it that wasn't cliched as crap or moronically retarded. Then you'll never hear from me again)
El Mayimbe :
And so ends another Rossman e-mail adventure! And the best thing about it is that I will probably be Google's number one listing for "El Mayimbe" after all is said and done.