Tea with the Rossman
The Stephanie Nichols TWILIGHT E-Mail

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Except for books by Bram Stoker, Jim Butcher, and Terry Pratchett, every other tome about vampires that has ever been written is horribly ghey. Horribly. I did try a new series of vamp books (well, I only got through the first one, Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer), and then I reviewed what I read (see review here to fully understand the following letters), and then I got lots of (fantastically bad) hate mail from some readers... Honestly didn't know that so many douchebag-loving teenage girls read my site. I absolutely love it when people read a book or watch a movie or TV show and then go online looking for reviews that match their own beliefs, and verbally assault people who hold differing opinions to their own (deeply religious) viewpoints, especially when those online anti-reviews back up all their reasons for hating (or loving) a certain piece of media with plenty of logical explanations.

Anyway, this is by far the best back and forth volley of angry mail I've gotten in ages. Enjoy!

The Original "You Stink!" Letter From Stephanie Nichols:

I just finished reading what you call a "review" of the novel Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and all I can say is, "Wow... what a fucking jerkoff!" You are seriously one of the crudest and uncreative jackasses I have ever come across. Yes, the book was definitely written for a specific age group, and they just so happen to be teenage girls. So what?! You are obviously one of those men who were made fun of by the popular "good looking" guy in school... so you are biased when introduced to a character that is everything completely opposite of you... and I would also be very very surprised if you were married to anything but a woman with an amazing capability of overlooking EVERYTHING you do and say. Oh and I read "His Dark Material's" series and while yes, it was very well written, it was also about killing God... which isn't very mind blowing to me. Although I felt so strongly opposed to his ideas... I didn't go around talking an obscene amount of crap about him and the story. So with much irritation and pity, I wish you luck in discovering more curse words to make you feel more like a man. :)

My "Crude and Uncreative Jackass" Response:

I absolutely LLLLLLLLLOVE it! You're just like my little sister back when she was a kid. Whenever I'd point out to her "She-Ra sucks! This show is just a gay re-do of He-Man, except everyone and even the animals are gay. And they just did this exact same plot in He-Man last week. This is awful," she'd go screaming and crying to mommy to tattle on me for not liking what she liked... Even though my reasons for hating the crap that she liked were entirely justified and explained.

Honestly, what did I get wrong in my review? Bella is an emo retard... She proves that over and over by hating on her loving parents, and the kids at school who genuinely want to be her bffs. Eddy's the world's biggest scrote... Yup. Every time he's front and center his douchebaggery is present and accounted for. Did he not put her whiney life in danger every second that they were together? Why, yes he did. Is he not a smug and total asshat whenever he looks at Bella or treats everybody else as if they're so far beneath him? Yes. He's the smuggest and the assiest. And there you go, my major complaints are vindicated. Prove them wrong, little girl.

-the Rossman

(and yes, I realize this is an interwebs argument with a hyperly hormonal teenage girl, but if you think you have justification for liking taudry, cheap, shitty writing, fire away... Hopefully with reasonings and proof to back up your bitchy complaints other than "Waaaaaah! You're wrong! Douchebags are awesome! I love when then slap me around and step on my ovaries!")

I am always fascinated by the clinically insane when they seem to think that not only are the characters in stories real, but they take it as a personal attack when I mock their terribly written personalities. Truthfully I thought that this would be the last I heard from Steph, but no, like the MegaPlayboy pointed out to me, "She sounds like a last worder... You know, the kind of person who always has to have the final say in anything, even if she has to slam the door in your face after saying it to make sure that you can't get a rebuttal in." How right he was.....

Stephanie Nichols' Response to Mine:

Stephanie NicholsWell, ABSOLUTELY LLLLLLLLLOVE THIS!!! I'm actually not a little girl, lol... but that's what I would expect from an idiot like you. You naturally assume that I am a child because I read the books, well you read it too, and you are obviously not a teenage girl. I agree with you that Bella's character can be very involved, but I do not agree with you that Edward is an asshole, it was her stupid ass choice in the story to stick around him, and maybe if you would read on past the first book you'd see he's not as big of a jerk as you would think. I love the books because, one: Vampires are my favorite mythical creatures and two: It's a great love story. Oh and the way you so eloquently put your words... slap me around and step on my ovaries... wow. You really are a tard aren't you? What a really stupid thing to say... I bet you were proud of that weren't you? So, when and IF you decide to respond to this, please make sure that you respond to what I'm really saying... because I don't recall saying "Waaaah!!! You're wrong! Douchebags are awesome! I love when they slap me around and step on my ovaries!" Oh wait, let me check... nope! Didn't say it. Dumbass. By the way... please explain, lol what the hell is assiest? Did you make up a new word? Aww.


And Mine to Hers:

First of all, your "favorite mythical creature"? Vampires? Not the Liger? Second of all, I don't know anybody who's "not a little girl" who actually has a "favorite mythical creature." That's so cute! Oh... Sorry, I mean, that's like soooooo goth and dark. Vampires, dude. *Hissssssssss!* Evil!

Seriously, lighten up, Emo girl. And no, the reason I thought you were a child isn't because you liked this terribly written series, but because you write like a chimp talks with sign language.

Anyway, yes, you are correct, it was Bella's mongo choice to stick around Eddy, but really, he absolutely knew that by not simply cutting all ties and leaving town (and by telling her that *gasp* he was "dangerous") she would want to be with his douchiness all the more. She's a rebellious, retarded teenager... If you tell her not to do something, tardy's going to do it... Just 'cause.

And how is any story featuring teenagers a "love story"? Okay, granted, Eddy's older than a teen, but he acts more emotionally stunted than Bella at times, so it still holds. Teenagers have no idea what "love" is -- all they know is pure lust... and that the object of their lust let them copy their algebra homework last week... Isn't he dreamy!

Honestly, give me some examples (you've yet to back up any of your arguments with examples). How was anything that Bell and Eddy did to/for each other "romantic" in the least? He simply lusts after her "scent," and she's just into the "bad boy" image. No matter what Hacky McHackhack Meyer tried to do, all she accomplished was perfectly capturing the stupidity of youth.

-the Rossman

(oh, and your mother's a whore)

I personally thought that Hemingway invented the term "assiest". Well, a liberal arts student from Gayville's Gaybee Community College would know better than me I suppose. What I was finding absolutely annoying at this point though is that Steph was just acting like a typical emo whiner: Complaining about what she didn't like, but offering up no counter arguments what-so-ever. I'm just a "dumbass" because I don't like the same poorly written tripe that she does.

Yes, I know, I've gone for mother gibes before... Not very original. But try to imagine my motherly insult as spoken by Sean Connery and you'll see what I was attempting to go for here. After that the mother attacks just took on a life of their own when Steph showed MAJOR anger over the first one.

And It Keeps on Going... Even When There's Nothing Left to Say:

Stephanie Nichols is a RetardOkay, this was amusing to me at first but now it's just ridiculous. By favorite mythical creature, I mean in fantasy, you know stuff that isn't real? I prefer stories about vampires because I think that they were a very creative creation and one of the scariest. I'm not emo... at all. "Emo" is one of the most ridiculous trends to ever appear okay? Seriously, what is at all attractive about "slitting" your wrists, at the wrong angle I might add, for sympathy. It's a cry for attention, and I am greatly offended by you calling me that. Next thing about you that irates me... don't you dare call my mother a whore! Who do you really think you are? Some God of the web... you can say and do what you want and anyone else's opinion is shit?! OOH, the big bad Rossman! Fuck you asshole... you don't know my mother, so therefore keep her out of your immature filthy mouth. Talk all the shit you want to me, that's understandable because I'm doing it to you. It takes a very narrow-minded and unclever person to start reaching for shit to say, that is completely irrelevant to the conversation. Oh, and it isn't my fault that you are a lonely dork who has nothing better to do than to shit on things you don't like. You obviously don't see the romantic angle of the story... so anything I say about it will be automatically shut down by your fucked up point of view. So I feel like I'm lowering myself by doing this...

This is from New Moon:

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason....And then then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

If you can't appreciate the beauty in that, the romance that just drips from that phrase... then you are a fool, because that screams love. There is an example for you okay? What do you think romance is... just flowers and candy? Some poeple are deeper than that I promise.

So, I realize that this is all pretty much my fault for reading your stupid thoughts and then choosing to respond to it. You caught me in a very feisty mood and now I'm just pissed off at how cruel of a person you really are. This can go on forever asshole, it isn't in me to back away... so the more you talk shit to me the more I'm going to respond. It can get really irritating.... your fucked up choice.


And Then It's My Turn Again:

Tsk, tsk... Throwing out the "at first it was amusing, now I know you're just a 'tard" argument this early? I invented that.

Well, if we're talking "favorite things that aren't real," then mine would have to be Kim Kardashian's ass. No WAY is that thing real, but by GOD do I love it!

As for you not being emo, I call bullshitsies. Only an attention-seeking, emo-wankjob would love a story in which the main character (who has all the love and affection one could possibly hope for in this world) whines about how alone she is, and how the only person who can save her is a smug douchebag who's about 100 years older than she is. That's called pedophilia where I come from. Yes, Eddy Cullen is a pedophile. Yeah... You're right. That is soooooo romantic, isn't it?

As for that quote you provided from New Moon (the one about the "moonless night"), you have got to be shitting me... Read that line out loud. Right now. Look at yourself in a mirror while you do it too. I just did... It is the most overly melodramatic pile of eye-rolling hogwash I've ever heard. NOBODY could say that line with a straight face. That's the kind of line a satire piece would use to show just how gay something or somebody is; that's not romantic, that's a joke. It doesn't sound natural at all. It's the kind of line that would make a faggy playwright blush with embarrassment and state just how gay it is. Honestly, it's like Meyer was trying to make an epic Shakespearean quote, and settled for something from Hamlet 2 instead. She may as well have added "Rock me, sexy Jesus" to it.

Pure teenage angst crap.

-the Rossman

(oh, and don't get mad at me because your mom charged an extra $40 for that Cleveland Steamer... That's the very definition of a whore.)

This is when it started to get old... At this point I was honestly hoping psycho-emo girl wouldn't write back. I had enough insane material for this new letter page, and I just wanted to get on with my life. Buuuuut...

Yet Another Email From Stephy! Yays!:

Stephanie Nichols is still RetardedI am seriously getting to the point where I don't even want to talk about the damn book with you and get much more satisfaction with making you cry like the little bitch you really are inside. But, in response to a few things you have said... Bella isn't my favorite character, in fact I think the little bitch is an idiot. I'm in agreement with you there, unfortunately. You don't think that quote is romantic because you are romantically handicapped. I really do want to know... what do you think romance is? Please, give me EXAMPLES to back up your response.

Another thing, I realized that I really don't give a shit if you want to call me emo. Seriously, who gives a fuck about someone who is determined to call you something you aren't? You are a sad little man... and like I said before if you want to talk shit, talk shit to and about me, not my mother, who by the fucking way is one of the best human beings you could ever imagine existing. She is a brilliant and beautiful woman and if you knew her, you would realize that what you have said about her is not only WRONG but also one of the lowest things you could ever say. So please, if you would like to carry this on... leave my mother out of your response. I'm getting so fucking tired of reading nothing but crap from you.

There is one thing I know for sure about myself, and that would be that I am not above lowering myself to your level and responding with cruel and fucked up things. I feel completely immature about this entire situation, but I'm bored... and pissing you off just sounds fantastic. Since this is completely ridiculous... let it all out, seriously, you want to talk some shit mother fucker? Then fucking do it and don't hold back. Enjoy your day!


Then It's My Turn.... A-fucking-gain (Just hoping to end this... As I have to have the last word too, but not out of OCD compulsion -- mainly because I get a kick out of being an anonymous dick online... An anonymous dick who's always right):

You just stated that the main character (the one whose very eyes we see this story unfold in front of, and the person who narrates the entire book) is a whiny little cunt. You just agreed with me about why this entire novel sucks... You have just destroyed your entire argument. That's like saying "Paris Hilton? I absolutely love EVERYTHING about her... But my God is she a stupid, skanky whore who I want to beat to death with her own shoes." Illogical to say the least, and my ENTIRE point for not liking the book. You just agreed with me. You have absolutely nothing left in your arsenal.

As for romance, gushing out shittily written "poetry" does not make one romantic. Especially when you base it all upon the schtick of "The Children of the Night *Blah!*" motif. That kind of shit makes one look like a creepy pedophile in the real world. Hell, even in Meyer's hyperly gay, made up world it makes Eddy look like a psycho pedo..... Were you by chance boinked by an uncle as a child (and you secretly liked it)? What is your obsession with scarily disturbing pedophiles? And it's not just by a few years that Eddy's got Bella beat, but 100 years! They ought to lock that freak the hell up... Hammer a wooden stake up his ass... Though he'd probably like that.

As for what I think is romantic (with EXAMPLES!!!1111!!one1!!)? Strong eye contact (without a smug "I'm going to rape the SHIT out of you" smile, like Eddy always puts out), taking the chick out to places she wants to go and not complaining (and not because she smells like a bacon-wrapped filet-mignon to my senses... So much so that I think it's cool to hang out with her just to see if I'll tear her throat out), holding hands (without thinking I'm "beyond vampy cool" by constantly telling her "I'm dangerous... Grrr! Dangerous, bitch!"), and not going for anal sex until at least the 3rd date (anal being the only way Eddy can get off with a girl, all the while making her talk in a deep voice and explain how itchy her beard is and how she loves Liberace). Oh, and the epitome of "romance" is recreating that fridge scene in Nine and a Fucking Half Weeks. So, when you have those Friday night fantasies about actually getting asked out (and no, reaming yourself with your vibrators and choking yourself just to get off obviously doesn't count), you can imagine those scenarios I just gave you... You'll probably LOVE that fridge one, you fat sad sack of never-gonna-get-any choad of lard, you.

-the Rossman

(Tell your mother that I liked the leather and the whips, but holy fuck those enemas and anal plugs just aren't my thing... And I'll pick her up at 9, but only if she keeps that giant dildo up her filthy twat set to 10 this time... Apparently any lower vibration setting and it's just not enough to even make her blush... And where's the fun in that? Especially at $50 an hour.)

Even after all those insults against her and her kin, Steph STILL writes back... I really thought about letting her have the last word at this point, but I held firm.

It's with this letter that I first noticed that Steph completely ignores the points I made that negate hers... Then she just tries to insult (instead of arguing -- which she didn't really do all that well before anyhow). Very poorly. At least I still try to make significant points to the arguments at hand within my insults. The kicker of her most recent letter is that SHE ACTUALLY AGREES WITH ME here, and backs up my own main argument about the suckiness of the book. She just forfeited the match.

I really like her way of rationalizing her immaturity though (you guys already know that I'm immature... No denying it, but she's "just bored," and she thinks that by telling me that something I found to be really terrible (this shitty book) is actually good is "pissing [me] off," and makes me cry "like the little bitch [I] really [am] inside." How does that work again?

Stephanie's already proven that she only brings up things that really do rile and infuriate her, and cause her to whine in impudent fury... Keep that in mind whenever she brings up something like "I really don't give a shit if you want to call me emo," or " I don't care what you think about Twilight anyway." If she didn't care, she wouldn't have started writing in the first place, and she definitely wouldn't have continued after I shot down any good reason she tried to present for anybody (other than mongoloid children with a penchant for storytelling more retarded than they are) liking this garbage. And yet, she continues responding and responding... Her final "want to talk some shit mother fucker?"?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? is beautiful when you see the pure desperation emanating from it.

Her Turn:

Alright you ass ramming dil-weed. The only thing I have left to say regarding the damn book, is WOW! Holy shit! How fucking old are you? I would guess you're either a thirty year old, who lives in his fat gooch sniffing mother's basement, or a twelve year old with a thesauras, face warping acne, and a collection of Monty Python DVDs that you jerk off to in an attempt to fill that hole left in your pathetic meaningless life, by the lack of affection you've recieved since your gay, prison cock loving daddy stopped touching you in the bad place(which is also a sad and pathetic sight). Either way, what the fuck are you doing reading books that were written for pre-teen girls? Do you have some sick fantasies about being a fourteen year old girl? Or are you just getting a feel for what they like, so it will be easier for you to molest them? I don't give a shit what you say about my mother or myself. You don't know either of us, and you will never be so lucky as to meet us, so go ahead and shove you're little comments up your oak tree-sized ass hole.
Why do you bring up paris hilton? Do you get off watching skanks eat cock? I bet it's because you like eating cock isn't it? Yeah I bet you gobble a mean cock, don't you? Bitch. And what do you know about romance, cock gobbler? From all that stupid shit you just said, you come off as quite the pedophile yourself. That sort of baby raping behavior certainly explains why one chooses to use the word "boinked". And wow are you wrong about me. Not only have I recieved actual awards for my "shittily Stephanie Nichols is an emo retardwritten poetry", but I'm also married, and hotter than anyone you've seen outside of the sears lingerie section during your weekly masturbation party held at your chicken fucking red-neck step dad's house. As for you, I doubt you've ever even touched a woman, besides your retarded sister, or the two-headed infant the two of you made. Was it tough to get her in the sack, Rossman, you little twat stain? I mean even to a retard, I bet it was pretty obvious how big of a douchebag you are, given your idea of romance. Wow. And now you're admitting to watching nine and a half weeks. Why don't you do me a favor and sew up your vagina before you decide to boot up your computer again. Lastly, that wasn't my mother with the whips and chains. It was Rocky Dennis. And don't sit there and lie about not liking enimas and anal plugs, you fucking ass-jockey. Obviously you do, since it took your kiddie-fucking cousin so many years to realize you have a penis(or what passes for one). I bet your ass got plenty of action as a youth. Enjoy your AIDS, you pussy. And give your retarded sister/girlfriend a nice pat on the head for me.


My Turn:

Jesus Titty-fucking CHRIST! Really? You just had to respond, didn't you... You lost! You don't have any points to back up your claims of Twilight's non-gayness. Let it go. And your attempts at insults in your last letter are truly abysmal. You're like a 5 year old who just discovered cursing but doesn't know how to properly do it, but your think it's hilarious to try (you were slapping your obese knees in glee as you typed all that out, weren't you...).

Anyway, with all the free time that you'll have when you stop writing me you could go out and find yourself a gay LARPer boyfriend of your own (you're not married, and you're not "hot" -- you aren't fooling anyone. You're 14 and alone). Swap emo-eye shadow, black fingernail polish, bra and panties (it's a well known fact that all LARPers are trannies)... Go out, live... Kill your dog in protest, but just stop writing me. You never won, you never will. Stop deluding yourself. Go, fatty, live your kooky life in ignorant bliss.

-the Rossman

(And learn what the fuck an "analogy" is. You've been jumping all over my analogies despite the fact that they were clearly used to point out that you are an idiot and that your thought processes are virtually nonexistent... Which you doubly prove by not understanding the idea of an analogy.)

(Oh, your mother may have broken up with me for that goat, but I don't hold that against her... That goat was pretty hot [hotter than you at least]. Anyway, slap your mother on the ass for me!)

ALL arguments that she had against my calling Twilight "crap" are out the window at this point. All Steph can do is throw insults that she stole from other people's websites (and even a few that I personally wrote years ago on this site) at me.... But according to her, I'm the one who's immature... The very definition of immaturity is resorting to name calling when your arguments aren't winning.

Truthfully, I'm kind of proud of the monster I was able to turn Stephanie Nichols into... I especially liked the Rocky Dennis reference in her last letter. That one was creative, but you can find 90% of her other "put downs" on any random FARK forum, and that makes me sad. THE BEST PART of her final letter though really only becomes apparent if you re-read her FIRST letter... In the first one she states that anyone who just insults and curses as much as me must be the lowest of the low assholes on the planet. Then in HER final letter she forsakes her own failed arguments of the book's (imagined) greatness and all she can do is, what? Curse and try to insult me. BEAUTIFUL! Hopefully she will carry forth this anger into her daily life, and fully become the bitter old obese harpy that I always knew she had the destiny of becoming.

Oh yeah, and she's "hot!" So fucking "hot!"... No, no proof needed (just like with her arguments), she says so, so it must be true.

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