Even after eating the mushroom and stealing the Lay-Z-Boys
from those two corporate schmucks, Jason and I were still mad
about the fate of one of our all time favorite game makers. We
thought back to when we were still in gradeschool and I stole
Jason's copy of Final Fantasy for the original NES. I
played that game so much that soon I was walking around the playground
with a blue robe and a large, orange, pointy hat while chanting
Fire3 spells on kids I didn't like and SpreadYourLegs2 spells
on all of the girls. Needless to say I was living in my own delusional
world of insanity and genius and all it took was one GreenOgre
(in the form of Trent Rubinski) to put the smack down on me and
snap me out of my fantasy mind set... He took off a total of
152 HP with just one swing of his club too!
After that, I got way too into Final Fantasy II when
that eventually came out for the Super Nintendo years later.
I played that puppy on many a lifeless Friday night in high school
and unfortunately never regretted a moment. I then moved on to
Final Fantasy III and all of the Game Boy FF games
that had come out by then. When I found out that the States had
never gotten official translations of the real Final Fantasy
2, 3 and 5 I went apeshit. I NEEDED all of the Final
Fantasy I could possibly collect in my pathetic and miserable
lifespan!! But soon enough I was rewarded with the internet and
all the horribly fansubbed ROMs of all the Japanese games I could
ever want. But back to Squaresoft. I love them more than just
the sum of their FF titles. They also brought us the Secret
of Mana, the Magus, Xenogears and that chick in that
black leg-slit dress in their Parasite Eve game. Aya's
pretty damn hot for a bunch of polygons.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that the Lords
of Square used to be a great thing. They used to make nothing
but gold. But then they let that power go to their head and they
began putting pieces of shit in a few of their titles to see
if the consumers would notice that despite the company's name
being on the box, the title was lacking something. Their first
experiment was with their flagship title. They almost turned
Final Fantasy VII into a complete and total pile of steaming
Kuni dung. What was impressive with this test was that nobody
noticed this (including me) until they were done playing it.
The music was far from being dancible, the storyline blew and
the bad guy was gayer than Sigfreid and Roy's sexually embarrased
tiger. But, due to a gluttonous amount of ad time on TV, FFVII
sold more copies than the Forrest Hump and Lesbian
Teeny Boppers 2 combined! Then the bar was lowered even more
for FFVIII and IX. After that Square saw fit to
fuck with the classic Chrono Trigger storyline!! Was nothing
sacred?!... Apparently not as lots of really dick-in-the-pencil-sharpener-painful
Chocobo themed games came popping out of Squaresoft's collective
Do I believe that there is hope for the future of Square?
Well, the Final Fantasy movie was pretty cool if beyond
trippy... And their FFX for the Playstation 2 appears
to have potential despite over using voice actors and not keeping
many "fantasy" themes in its performance. But FFXI
is going to blow Martin Sheen's over inflated dick. Trust me.
And this new Di$ney game that they just debuted at their booth
is going to cause the apocalypse to kick it into overdrive. Then
the prophecy will come true: "The one to guideth the children
into the future shall also be-eth the one to destroy the minds
and wallets of future generations of mentally handicapped gamers....
This I command!!"
God save us.
beating ourselves up over the defection of Squaresoft to the
camp of "crappy game makers", Jason and I headed over
to Kentia Hall. Where as there are only a few shanty-towns in
the small Jungle of Shame in the main exhibit halls, Kentia Hall
is nothing BUT retarded programing and user interface companies.
It was truly depressing.
tried our best to make fun of the sad sacks that had to pimp
their own lame products to the tens of hecklers that came to
them for a good laugh, but the guys and gals in the booths there
were way too upbeat for their own good. No matter how many times
we'd tell them that they were fuck ups, or that their gaming
add-ons and controllers and what-not deserved to be shovelled
into Kathy Lee's diseased slot and blown to hell, they would
only smile at us and say, "So, can we put you guys down
for a shipment of 2,000?" This is what's wrong with America
today. Even the dregs of society still believe that they can
make something of themselves if they try. This would be fun if
everybody was allowed to watch them when reality came a knockin'
and they decided that free falling from a tall building was the
only way out, but what really stinks is these fuckers never gain
enlightenment. Even on their deathbeds in the ghetto, covered
in dirt and oily rags they smile and think to themselves, "You
know.... maybe if we added more flower petals to the girl's head
in the flower pot... Maybe that would have made it sold more
than 2 copies to my mom...."