The Rossman's California Dreams and Adventures
(page 10: Unification)

Bad to the mo-fo bone!!!!!!!

What was there left to do after GT3 and PS2 Metal Gear? Why, go to the Nintendo booth and make fun of their games of course! Granted, both Jason and I grew up on Nintendo games, I still have people call me "Master Link" when talking to me in any kind of sexual way, and I even have a tattoo of Princess Toadstool on my left nipple... but we're grown ups now! And being grown up means making fun of things that are aimed at kids. Just like you make fun of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, hula hoops, and pornography now. Sure you may like them more than ever today then you did when you were five, but you can never tell anybody that you do. And if you brag about how much porn you have to people (especially grandparents), they usually try to steal it from you or turn you in to the cops for being a pervert and setting up surveillance cameras in peoples' bedroom windows at night so then they can steal them from you and you still have to live with that annoying sign on your yard telling the neighbors that you like to watch them fuck.

So, we decided it would be fun. But, once we got over to the big N's gorgosaurus set-up we kind of had to back down. We had our hopes set high, but in the end we were men enough to admit that we were wrong. It turned out that Nintendo had the best collection of games at E3. Yeah, Luigi's Haunted Mansion for the GameCube was pretty gay, but it looked damn sweet. Super Smash Brothers Melee was way more fun than it should have been. The new Star Wars 3D shooter was my favorite game at the entire show! Then they had the two new Zelda Gameboy games in the back and previews of Metroid IV and Metroid Prime. Compared to most companies that only had one nifty game in their collections that might have had any sort of potential, the big and evil N had more than a half dozen in total. They were also giving away free Gamboy Advances weeks before they were even commercially available! The most the Microsoft booth did for me was have Bill Gates give me a bad hummer. Goddammit Microsoft don't got it goin' on....

Pokemania at its height of seizure inducing pain!!

After waiting in a looooooong-ass line for an hour and a half for the chance to sit at a giant roulette table and be one of 12 people who wins a Gameboy Advance, my crew finally got to the front. But just as we were about to sit in our seats it was announced that it was the "spinner's" lunch break and we'd have to wait another hour to play. Well, the entire line got ultra pissed and we started stomping our feet and chanting "We will rock you!!" because it seemed cool at the time. Now I realize just how juvenile and really really bone fuckingly dumb we looked.... Sorry.

Anyway, we made the mental Nintendo hired-help reconsider, and Becky (the girl in the picture above) was ordered to take over for an hour. She was not too pleased with the outcome and kept slapping our hands like a trigger happy unsexed nun armed with an extendible ruler. Finally all the prizes were put out on the spinning table and she gave it a twirl. Everybody around the circular counter pounded the wheel whenever the one GBA came near them in the hopes of having the table shatter and thereby win by default I suppose. Once again I can only think that we must have looked like kids on the small bus thinking that our idiocy would affect the outcome of the roll and change our lives forever and help us excape our Uncle's misplaced "hugs" for the rest of our lives. Finally the roulette table slowed down and the Gameboy ended up a fraction of an inch inside the zone of some fat bald guy. He started jumping up and down like he had a mad weasel with herpes in his pants but the kid next to him shut him up by claiming the the arrow was indeed directly in between their two zones. A big argument and a lame fistfight broke out between the two gaybees, but Becky didn't want any of it. She slapped the baldy down and said that they would spin again and that "there would definitely be a winner this next round... or you will all die!!!" But just as she reached for the wheel she began to break down and cry. She pulled out clumps of her own hair in grief and fell to the floor in a petite sobbing pile of womanness when she noticed that somebody had taken the diversion of the smackfest to grab the Gameboy and run like a mental Southerner with a bad haircut.... Actually, I'm only guessing about how she reacted to the theft of the Gameboy since I was the one who "yoinked" it and bolted. She seemed like the whiny type though.

Jason and I were not too happily pleased or enjoyed about the X-Box or Microsoft's showing at the con. The only games that looked decent on the X-Box were multi-platform titles that looked better on the PS2 or the GameCube. For all of Gates' ultra hype for his lime green trimmed machine he had nothing to offer in the end. Not even any semi-fun X-Box originals. The best game that Microsoftie had was Microsoft Eats the World!, where in you play Bill Gates and you travel the world stepping on people with Macs and Powerbooks with big, spiked shoes until you track Steve Jobs down and fuck him up the ass with a strap-on. I thought it sucked, but I heard later that Kuni thought it was "Sex-tacular!!!"

That "smack" hurt my heart more than my head. And I had to spend 2 weeks in L.A. General for the concussion.

I was tired after seeing all of the crappy games at the Microsoft booth, so Jason Bigglesworth and I decided to find some nice Elf chickies to hang out with and hopefully cast some "Regen3" and "Life1" spells on us. Unfortunately I made the cultural boo-boo of grabbing the chest of the most "gifted" Elvish beauty there and had "Meteor5" chanted upon me until all I could see were stars and ugly gaming people walking over my limp body. Turns out that just about anybody can cast "Meteor" if they wish to. All you apparently need is a big, heavy piece of lumber. The next time I go up against Kefka in FFVI I plan to use this newly mastered technique on my TV if he tries to do his little dance of the clowns again.

Now I'm just raving.

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