The Rossman's California Dreams and Adventures
(page 4: Enter the Jackass)

I got back to my hotel pretty late and found an unexpected and unwanted package (in the form of Kuni) waiting for me at the front desk. It seemed that Kuni the Direct Descendant had somehow found out where I went and for what purpose I had ventured forth. When I walked in he was in the middle of an argument with a bell-boy about the free mints that the maids usually put on bed pillows after they clean the rooms. It seemed that Kuni wanted some. He wanted some bad. My retarded friend/sworn enemy was starting to get agitated by the bell-boy's insistence that they don't even put mints on the pillows at the Hilton, and that he would be forced to call the L.A.P.D. if the crazed little Asian did not apologize for making fun of the bell-hop's gay uniform and leave the building in less than 6 seconds. Kuni took that to be an act of war and posed himself in a wobbly "faced Irishman position," almost like Jackie Chan in The Drunken Master 1 and 2 but not quite (he looked even more smashed than Jackie did at the end of either flick). I tried to ignore the puke as I walked past the two losers with an L.A. Times blocking my head. Unfortunately Kuni knows my scent (he's like a fucking weasel) and came running after me yelling "You sunuva baby shit! I kill you now you bitch fuck!" He caught up to me (hey, I was tired) and I decided to let him stay in my room after he gave me $50 and a picture of his sister sitting naked on top of her giant plush Pikachu on her bed... I've never seen a stuffed animal look so fucking happy.

Come with me if you vant to live. You can buy anything and everything you ever wanted in Los Angeles. It just depends on how much you're willing to spend and how many laws you're willing to break. The one thing I needed was a Terminator Unit of my own. Then I might be able to actually shut Robot Pedro the hell up when Buffy's on TV and he wants to watch America's Funniest Videos repeats on channel 34. With my own T-500 I could just say, "Yo, Robot Pedro, you see that evil robot skeleton in the corner with the big goddamn gun aimed right at your retarded head? Well shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down or he's gunna get some lovely target practice in."
The only problem would be that Robot Pedro is from farther in the future than any of James Cameron's Terminators and he could probably eat and shit out any threat I try to sic on him in less time than it would take me to open the instruction booklet.
Come to think of it, I don't believe that another robot in my house would be the answer to any problem. After one or both go insane I'd then have to buy a gorilla to beat them up. Then after the gorilla started killing my friends I'd have to mail order a giant lizard to eat the gorilla. Then I'd have to get Bob Saget of America's Funniest Home Videos to eat the lizard, and then an Alien Queen (like from James Cameron's Aliens) to eat him. Alien Queens are the only thing known in the world to be able to actually kill Bob Saget.

Kuni had to stay on the floor but the little perv kept trying to climb into the bed with me claiming that his back was screwed up from when I crowbarred him on his vertebrae just minutes before. After hitting him in the face with an iron a few times he finally conceded and collapsed on the ground. But then he wouldn't shut up about his "hard as fuck up trip" and how many "man parts" he had to get familiar with in order to hitch hike all the way over from Georgia. I'm surprised that the bear didn't kill him back in Colorado when he tried to eat its baby for protein. And I'm really surprised that nobody in Texas tried to ass rape him and then barbecue his nuts, cause I heard they do that all the time.

I finally got Kuni to fall asleep after promising him that I'd take him to Six Flags at Magic Mountain the next day. I told him that it had tons of great porno exhibitions and spank rooms for him to flog his carrot and polish his cue stick in all day long. Hell, as long as it got him off my back and out of my way I would have told him that Martha Stewart was giving a demonstration on the proper and dainty way to give fellatio. Mmmmmmmm, Martha Stewart....

I woke up early the next morning and went to a couple of boring meeting and stuff and then Kuni and I headed over to Magic Mountain to do some damage.

If you look carefully enough in L.A. you can also find every kind of automobile ever made. And they're all for sale (everything is for sale). When I saw the Doc Brown special (right) I just had to make it mine. Just imagine! I could go to the future, grab my future wife, drag her to the past when I first started to notice girls and get myself laid! I could then go through life with a helluva lot more self confidence and know that deep inside I truly was a PLAYER!... On second thought, I might want to get my past-self's virginity plucked earlier than 7. I might make it a 5th birthday present or something. I'll have to think about it.

1.21 Gigawatts?!?!?!?  Tom, what was I thinking!?!??!

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