Rossman's California Dreams and Adventures
(page 6: Deadly Restaurant..... Of DOOM!)
When we got back to the "pick
up/drop off" lot Kuni and I found that good ol' Pepe was
not waiting for us like we asked him to. Instead we got Pepe's
replacement, Fasil (rhymes with "facil", the Spanish
word for "easy".... which he was much to Kuni's pants-shitting
delight). Despite his Spanish sounding name Fasil wasn't a commie
bastard. He was from Tunisia and he was an asshole (and he smelled
like one too). He wouldn't shut the fuck up and all he would
talk about was how much better his "place of origin"
was than the U.S. of A. (apparently the dust and sand filled
plains of North Africa are the ideal place to raise a family...
away from all the guns and food and medication that bad Americans
have to deal with). Those are always fightin' words to this here
Rossman, but he calmed me down by playing some groovy chant-muzak
like those natives in Close Encounters of the Third Kind
when they perform the tune that the "Sun" taught them
the night before.
I was busy jamming with the wailing tunes until I noticed
that Fasil (that bad, bad man) was taking us back to Universal
City the long way, through Mexico. He said it was more scenic
and a better trip for the confused souls of Western Man, but
it sure as hell wasn't worth the $342 in fares (and 2 gas station
fill ups) that it cost. When we eventually got back to the hotel
I drew a mustache on him like Dick Dastardly from Wacky Races
with a permanent marker. I thought that it would make him unattractive
in the eyes of females and thus punish him more than he hurt
my wallet. Unfortunately Kuni told me that it had the opposite
effect on him and made him "swoon like a sex-toy mother
Soooooooo, we quickly headed over to Bucca di Beppo
for some dinner. Last year I had a great time at the Beppo. I
ended up sitting with a computer graphics company that was having
a special dinner out for all the under appreciated CGI artists
in their employment (I so understood their plight). They were
cool and they kept telling me all the rugged Hollywood secrets
and stuff that they had to cover up or work with in their field
(like the fact that a certain Antonio "trying to cover his
gay ass by marrying the hideous Melanie" B. is totally bald
and they had to charge $20million to put computer generated hair
on him in his latest movie). At the end of the huge meal I was
also able to sneak my bill into their tab (saved me around $70).
This time, unfortunately, I only had Kuni with me as company.
Because of that I didn't even get a cute waitress.
After continually begging for Kobe Masahiko to cook his "Italy
spaghetti foods" personally he was finally beaten down by
a busboy and forced to color in his placemat in silence. I gave
that busboy a huge tip and charged everything to Kuni's Master
Card (which I slipped out of his wallet when he was busy trying
to dance with the kitchen staff to the silent music in his mind).
Well, of course it was declined (it always is after his huge
pornography shopping sprees) and we were both forced to wash
dishes for the rest of the night. At least until my semi-retarded
friend kept breaking them while trying to drill a hole in some
in order to "have the sex with hard plates experience".
They put curses on us, spit on us and demanded that we never
have any children. I promised them that there was no way in hell
I'd ever have a child with Kuni, and they kicked us out and threw
us into some dumpsters (just for the feeling of superiority I'm
order to try and make nice-nice with the chefs, I decided to
bless them by allowing them to pose with me and be immortalized
on my site.
the fact that my veal was tasty, tender and nummy, I thought
that these two culinary masters of world cuisine could exploit
a few pointers from the ever impressive Carl's Jr. I suggested
that they use a "special sauce" for all their entrees
in the future along with french fries on the side of any order
with meat. Shakes (vanilla, chocolate and strawberry) are a necessity
too, along with Double Bacon Cheeseburgers and Fish Fillet sandwiches
for Catholics in Lent. And one can never go wrong with boiling
hot apple pies filled with lava for dessert. The last proposal
I fed them was the most important yet also the most overlooked
in the "fancy dining experience": A playland of some
sort with lots of slides and a ball room. Ball rooms kick ass.