I was first mugged about 5 steps outside of my hotel, but
I was expecting it to happen so it really wasn't all that bad.
What was bad was when he made me squeal like a piggy in
order to get my membership card to The House of Blues and
Pain back. Then he took a few pictures to post on his "mentally
raped tourists" website he has going on. I never got the
address for it, and quite frankly I hope I never find it.
I was only mugged and sexually abused 5 more times before
I made it to the nearest Carl's Jr. for dinner (two blocks away).
I had made it back to Nirvana!! It totally blows knowing that
I can't have that greasy, fried cooking that only Carl's Jr.
does so well but only once a year. It is like a Chinese Water
Torture device that tempts me with tasty lard droppings instead
of mere agua! It's like Sisyphus, that Greek dude who came so
close to pushing that boulder up the mountain only to have it
fall and crush him like a wet toad near the very pinnacle of
his achievement! It's like your momma when she keeps coming over
to my house for some cheap, yet very fulfilling, luvin' every
night despite the fact that I'm not into large, ugly women with
Hitler mustaches anymore!
Back at CJ's I chowed down on a Super Sourdough Bacon Cheeseburger
Supreme Value Meal and decided that I needed to see the under
belly of the town and paint it blood red again. It'd been a full
year since my last visit and it looked as if Los Angeles had
finally recovered from the experience (though technically it
didn't take much for the city to heal as all I really did last
year was get sick and hug the toilet for 4 days while my innards
ruptured and knitted themselves back together again over and
over after I ate that ham sandwich I found in the alley behind
the convention center that wasn't really ham.... or a sandwich).
The first thing I did was hit Whore-lywood.
one's territory is what being a man is all about. While other
losers and punks either urinate on buildings or spraypaint on
a wall that they get lots of tail, I prefer to leave something
behind that you can see from space. While my "Hollywood
prank" may not rank up there with my "nipples on the
Statue of Liberty" gag or the painting I did at Mt. Rushmore
of Billy Clinton trying to stick his tongue in Lincoln's ear,
it'll take forever for them to clean it up and it will probably
scar the ecosystem and all the wild bunny rabbits for years to