Rossman's California Dreams and Adventures
(page 7: The Day of Reckoning. And E3.)
I woke up early the next day
and was surprised to find that my retarded friend had somehow
made it back into the room. When I went to take a shower I saw
that there was a Kuni-sized hole in the door through which he
must have been thrown through. I only woke the concussioned Asian
moron up as I was heading out the door (which was a dumb thing
to do on my part since he doesn't regularly bathe on his own
and he truly needed a cleansing that day) and he joined me on
the bus to the Los Angeles Convention and Stip Bar Center where
the 2001 E3 Expo was officially officially underway.
I lost Kuni as soon as we got there (I left him with some
booth bunnies after I explained to him that they thought that
Oriental dudes with gay "Menudo" t-shirts, sandals,
and black socks pulled up to their knees were the sexiest cock
on the planet) and hurried through some panels, workshops, conferences and meetings
so that I could join the fun and whoring in the big convention
halls below. Now, my employers don't want me to
say what I learned and what kind of corporate espionage I participated
in during the morning meetings and panels, so I will not talk
about them. What I will comment on though is that that Miyamoto
guy has a huge ass... Not that I was checking it out or anything.
It's just that you really couldn't focus on anything else when
he was in the room.
lovely ladies were stationed outside of the conference rooms
and it was their job to beat the living tar out of any fucks
who tried to enter one of the panels or lectures about web shit
and internet crapola instead of checking out all of the
models in rubber and spandex who pretended to be Lara Croft,
hot street fighters and nympho elves from the best in electronic
entertainment that studios had to offer. Thank God they always
went for the stomach! My face is my meal ticket and I'd 'uv had
to have pissed my pants again if they broke my nose or poked
my other eye in!
After I got down to the main show floor I started going wild.
It was a sensory overload! So many things and gorgeous women
to touch and play with! True, there were not nearly as many pretty
booth babes as there had been in previous years, but some of
the lovelies that the big companies had prancing around were
PERFECT, with a capital "T" and "A".
As I was wandering around the booths with stars in my eyes and
happy thoughts lower down, I bumped into an old (psychotic) friend
of mine who I had not seen in years, Jason Lords. I had known
Jason from back in the third grade when we both went to Catholic
school and he was mentally and physically destroyed every day
by nuns with rulers. After the 2nd continuous year of that he
eventually wore down and cracked like an egg that was smashed
by a mallet. The last I had heard he was in juvie for throwing
feces into a police car that was on patrol around the Toys R
Us we used to hang out at. I never asked him if it was his.
Jason and I started scoping everything out. We hit the big
booths first, such as the Sony set up and the Nintendo niche,
and worked our way down. What surprised me the most right off
the bat was the fact that along with the models who were just
standing around showing as much cleavage as possible to get one
to play all the crappy games in a company's booth, there were
full-on all-out hookers there too! These gals and guys would
do anything for money! It was obscene. The most blatant of these
whores was Colby from Survivor II. I bet he would have
given head to a horse with three cocks and a goiter if somebody
had given him enough mullah.