Learn from Saddam's mistakes

(This section of the Chronicle is ghost written by the Rossman's friend/sworn enemy Kuni the Direct Descendent...
Yeah, I fixed it up a bit so that you could actually understand it, but... well... sorry)

So, who is "Rossman, The" exactly? He is a man's man, but he likes women a lot more. He is a tower of terror standing nearly 9 feet tall (minus around 2'8"). He likes to watchMust... eat... puppy!!! Star Wars while eating nothing but chocolate chip cookie dough and crunchy sandwich pickles claiming that it helps to heighten the whole darkside experience. He has a red hat. Many actually. He's got around 27 red UGA hats. I don't know why. To the right is the only known photo of the Rossman that ever made it online (that has him fully clothed). You can see him trying to eat his brother's demon dog in it. It is so evil that it's spinning. Just like that little girl's head in the Exorcist. He is that evil. What's also evil is his robot, Robot Pedro. I did not know that a machine could choose to be that evil but it is very true. I think I saw him kick a horse once.

The Rossman likes to spend his time looking for more red UGA hats and whistling at cute chicks. He thinks he's cool because he graduated college and then got a job there and is now surrounded by cute college girls that he can claim to be a smart man to. Sometimes he makes me sick, but then he helps me break into my ex-girlfriend's place to sacrifice a chicken or goat on her living room table while drawing phallic symbols on the walls with its blood... so he can be pretty rugged too.

"Come to momma superior!"If you look hard enough you can find all 1,627 naked pictures of the Rossman online. I won't tell you where though. Half the fun is finding them.

I will tell you that the Rossman himself had his chickie take all the pictures and he actually sent them out to sites himself. He said it was all in the effort to get the fat women and gay votes for the 2016 presidential election, but I just think that he gets a sick kick out of looking them all up himself.

The Rossman has a favorite saying. He likes to shout "Hey Marty! Lick my nutz!" as loud as he can when somebody pisses him off. This all goes back to Baltimore, MD over the 4th of July weekend in 1999. The MegaPlayboy, the Rossman and I were in town for a convention. It was early in the morning on Saturday the 3rd and we were in line to check out the USS Constellation which was docked in the harbor right next to our hotel. It was muggy as fuck and we just stood there waiting and waiting for the damn boat to open.

This is actually a looooong story, so let's cut through the crappola. We found out that 3 buildings were gunna get knocked down at 10AM and we only had a few minutes to try and see it. We ran like Carl breaking wind and raced through the city (running from 9:53AM till about 10:12AM) and through some very scary neighborhoods [NOTE from the Rossman: actually, most of Baltimore is a scary neighborhood]. We eventually found our way to a 7 Don't make me sic Gus on your ass!story parking deck and climbed it to the top where we found a solitary drunk construction worker (known by the honorable name of "Gus") who was missing a few fingers. He informed us that we missed the big implosion by a good 10 minutes. We were pissed, but he still had 3 cans of Bud left from his 12 pack that he shared with us. That was cool.

Anyway, we learned all about the "City wide air conditioning system" Gus was working on (it apparently pumped air through massive turbines that fed into the sewers or something... didn't quite understand it), and he told us about how much he hated "those fuckers who knock shit down." He said, "Takes us 2 years to build the damn thing... *Urp*... and it only takes the fuck-heads 10 seconds to tear it to rubble." Actually he really just mumbled it. And it was hard to understand.

So, after we listened to Gus' words of wisdom we got up to leave, but there was still a lone helicopter circling our parking deck taking pictures of the cloud of smoke still seen in the distance. Gus looked up at the copter, mumbled to himself, "Channel 13, feh!" and then raised his hand with the most fingers on it towards the heavens (and the "Channel 13" insignia on the flying machine), extended his middle finger while his other hand grabbed his crotch and shouted "Hey, Marty! Lick my nuts!!!!" He then turned to us and said, "Okay lez go". Gus is da man!

Sometimes "Peace" means "WAR!!"That's the Rossman's personal PEACE Team captain kicking Jimmy Jammer out of the Rossman's shag pad. The PEACE actually stands for Perfect Embodiment and Antibody Components of Enforcement. Essentially they only let hot chicks and pizza guys through to the Rossman's apartment.

Occasionally they'll let a loser (like Jimmy) in when the Rossman wants to trounce somebody in Marvel vs. Capcom II or Eight Ball.

It wasn't until weeks later that the Rossman and I found out who Marty was. He's apparently some disturbed weather man who uses his "unique sense of humor" to wake people up in the Baltimore community in fits of pain and puke. I actually had a friend of mine send me a tape of this guy just to see what Gus was so pissed off about. Well, the weather jokes weren't that bad actually, but it was when he started sitting on people's heads and farting until they cried "UNCLE!" or passed out that I got disgusted... Wait, was that just the tape of the "Year Before the Millennium New Year's Party" I'm thinking of? That was when we kept giving the Rossman "Kool Aid" made with Absolut and told him it was just festive grape juice through the night.

Wink wink, nudge nudge!I flew with these guys once. They had the freakiest things hidden in the cockpit. I think I counted 5 bongs, 7 bottles of unlabeled liquors, three 12 packs of Bud Lite (the co-pilot was watching his weight) and 4 stuffed crust pizzas with pepperoni. It was on the flight to Europe and they claimed that they needed enough "schpadoinkle" to make it there.

I make it a point to never back seat fly though, so I just let them be.

Okay, the Rossman back here. Once again Kuni let me watch his hot sister shower if I let him write a little bit on my site. Trust me, she's worth it.

Anyway, so he told you about the "Marty" story and my nudie pics. But I don't think he covered the time that Chi-Chi beat the crap out of me in high school in front of the crowded cafeteria so that we could sell more of our class' literary magazines, or when I crashed a pretty big party in my apartment complex and woke up the next morning in a strange bed with 5 good looking girls all around me, or the time that I saw a guy on a motorcycle fly over the guardrail 4 stories above me on the overpass at spaghetti junction? All good times in the Rossman's life.

Shadow and Vampire Hunter D.  2 reasons Amano kicks it hard KOR!So, what else do you want to hear? How much I idolize Yoshitaka Amano and how I cut in line to get his autograph at a convention and even got him to draw a sketch of me in the artbook I just spent $90 on? How about when I was dumped my my ex-girlfriend and went insane for about a year from "lack of nookie" (as the doctor put it) and made up three cartoon chickie friends of my own? There was that one whole semester when I lived with that foreign extra-strange student from Spain who used to drive me fucking crazy because the only words he really knew were of the 4 letter variety! I kinda got even with the bastard though when during the course of the semester I'd keep adding Mountain Dew to his obnoxious cologne that he'd spray all over the room to wake me up in the morning 4 hours before my first class. I checked the concentration of the bottle before I moved out and it had to 'uv been 120% proof MD. I'd be surprised if the dick-ass wasn't a walking fly magnet at that point. Gawd I hated him!!!... But I digress.

Jerry!  Jerry!  Jerry!!!When muppets go bad. That's the kind of show I would do if Hollywood was dumb enough to give me airtime. I'd also have an episode of "The Rossman Show" where I'd make midgets on stilts fight Chinese whores armed with Chinese yoyos in an Australian swamp filled with hungry crocs while the Crocodile Hunter played commentator! After that I'd make sure that they followed it up with new episodes of the Iron Chef.

So, what have we learned here today? If you answered anything other than "nothing" then I'll have to kill you. There was no point to this page. You might argue "but I learned how to live right", but that's a lie. If you didn't give a shit about Clown Parties or hot chicks or beer before you read this site then I doubt I changed your already perverted minds on the subjects. Just go about your pathetic little existences and stop bothering me.
"Monkey balls?!?!"  I hope that kick went right through his cup!But remember (and this is very important), never insult me in public. You usually can't tell who's a die hard fan of the Rossman until it's too late. And by then you won't be able to ever have any children.


.............. Stop reading the damn alternate text here!

Now for a laugh at my expense. If you want to you can check out some really old pictures I drew and colored in. I have improved some since kindergarten, but I don't think by too much.

That's the end.


Do it again for the first time. It's even more fun when you know all the surprise twists!


Or go back to the CHRONICLE Menu

Base e-mail usIf you want to get in touch with me you can click on that e-mail button on the right. But I must ask that if you do so, please make sure that your message is somewhat meaningful. Questions about the site are good. Questions about where my family lives are bad. If you want to send me lesbian pornography, that is good. If you want to send me pictures of your mother, that is bad (unless she's like 30 or younger and has a nice rack). You get the idea.

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You didn't think I'd leave THIS picture out, did ya?  I've had this on my site since I first made it in '95-'96!
"Holy s#*t! It's gunna fall right on top of us!"