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The Rossman has a favorite saying. He likes to shout
"Hey Marty! Lick my nutz!" as loud as he can when somebody
pisses him off. This all goes back to Baltimore, MD over the
4th of July weekend in 1999. The MegaPlayboy, the Rossman and
I were in town for a convention. It was early in the morning
on Saturday the 3rd and we were in line to check out the USS
Constellation which was docked in the harbor right next to our
hotel. It was muggy as fuck and we just stood there waiting and
waiting for the damn boat to open.
This is actually a looooong story, so let's
cut through the crappola. We found out that 3 buildings were
gunna get knocked down at 10AM and we only had a few minutes
to try and see it. We ran like Carl breaking wind and raced through
the city (running from 9:53AM till about 10:12AM) and through
some very scary neighborhoods [NOTE from the Rossman: actually,
most of Baltimore is a scary neighborhood]. We eventually
found our way to a 7  story parking deck and
climbed it to the top where we found a solitary drunk construction
worker (known by the honorable name of "Gus") who was
missing a few fingers. He informed us that we missed the big
implosion by a good 10 minutes. We were pissed, but he still
had 3 cans of Bud left from his 12 pack that he shared with us.
That was cool.
Anyway, we learned all about the "City
wide air conditioning system" Gus was working on (it apparently
pumped air through massive turbines that fed into the sewers
or something... didn't quite understand it), and he told us about
how much he hated "those fuckers who knock shit down."
He said, "Takes us 2 years to build the damn thing... *Urp*...
and it only takes the fuck-heads 10 seconds to tear it to rubble."
Actually he really just mumbled it. And it was hard to understand.
So, after we listened to Gus' words of
wisdom we got up to leave, but there was still a lone helicopter
circling our parking deck taking pictures of the cloud of smoke
still seen in the distance. Gus looked up at the copter, mumbled
to himself, "Channel 13, feh!" and then raised his
hand with the most fingers on it towards the heavens (and the
"Channel 13" insignia on the flying machine), extended
his middle finger while his other hand grabbed his crotch and
shouted "Hey, Marty!
Lick my nuts!!!!" He then
turned to us and said, "Okay lez go". Gus is da man! |
Star Wars while eating nothing but chocolate chip cookie
dough and crunchy sandwich pickles claiming that it helps to
heighten the whole darkside experience. He has a red hat. Many
actually. He's got around 27 red UGA hats. I don't know why.
To the right is the only known photo of the Rossman that ever
made it online (that has him fully clothed). You can see him
trying to eat his brother's demon dog in it. It is so evil that
it's spinning. Just like that little girl's head in the Exorcist.
He is that evil. What's also evil is his robot, Robot Pedro.
I did not know that a machine could choose to be that evil but
it is very true. I think I saw him kick a horse once.
If you look hard enough
you can find all 1,627 naked pictures of the Rossman online.
I won't tell you where though. Half the fun is finding them.
That's the Rossman's
personal PEACE Team captain kicking Jimmy Jammer out of the Rossman's
shag pad. The PEACE actually stands for Perfect Embodiment and
Antibody Components of Enforcement. Essentially they only let
hot chicks and pizza guys through to the Rossman's apartment.
I flew with these guys
once. They had the freakiest things hidden in the cockpit. I
think I counted 5 bongs, 7 bottles of unlabeled liquors, three
12 packs of Bud Lite (the co-pilot was watching his weight) and
4 stuffed crust pizzas with pepperoni. It was on the flight to
Europe and they claimed that they needed enough "schpadoinkle"
to make it there.
So,
what else do you want to hear? How much I idolize Yoshitaka Amano
and how I cut in line to get his autograph at a convention and
even got him to draw a sketch of me in the artbook I just spent
$90 on? How about when I was dumped my my ex-girlfriend and went
insane for about a year from "lack of nookie" (as the
doctor put it) and made up three cartoon chickie friends of my
own? There was that one whole semester when I lived with that
foreign extra-strange student from Spain who used to drive me
fucking crazy because the only words he really knew were of the
4 letter variety! I kinda got even with the bastard though when
during the course of the semester I'd keep adding Mountain Dew
to his obnoxious cologne that he'd spray all over the room to
wake me up in the morning 4 hours before my first class. I checked
the concentration of the bottle before I moved out and it had
to 'uv been 120% proof MD. I'd be surprised if the dick-ass wasn't
a walking fly magnet at that point. Gawd I hated him!!!... But
I digress.
When muppets go bad.
That's the kind of show I would do if Hollywood was dumb enough
to give me airtime. I'd also have an episode of "The Rossman
Show" where I'd make midgets on stilts fight Chinese whores
armed with Chinese yoyos in an Australian swamp filled with hungry
crocs while the Crocodile Hunter played commentator! After
that I'd make sure that they followed it up with new episodes
of the Iron Chef.
But remember (and this
is very important), never insult me in public. You usually
can't tell who's a die hard fan of the Rossman until it's too
late. And by then you won't be able to ever have any children.
