by Cobra Commander...
Because he cares.
to the Rossssman Chronicle. Thissss is basically where
you will find out any information about the Rossssss-*HACK!*
*A-HEM!*.. Sorry about that, dear chaps. Dry as a mother-fucker
throat... Oh, and that reminds me, if you are
under 18 years-old or you find it offensive when you
read profanity because you are an incredible pussy, then
go away. This page, this site, this premise is
not for you.
"So anyway, let'sss dive right into who and what
the Rossman is all about, shall we. The Rossman was born
a poor little pissssant in the Yankee North. Soon,
though, after many (mostly illegal) adventures
he found himself down in Georgia, doing God-only-knows
what to the farm animalsss... But I digress. So, the
Rossman then began writing shit on the internet in
the year 1995 and soon began to think that the whole
world gave a rat's assssss about his daily dealings
with his evil robot, his fucktarded friends, and all
his stupid as fuck emprisesss.... Which it didn't...
The world I mean. Nobody gave a crap. Blunderersss!
"But the Rossman, being the genius that he was, didn't
care and kept wasssting his time and our patience by
making his website as Godawfully large as it is today.
Now we all mussst suffer. Ssseriously, not even listening
to Mindbender go on and on about hisss dream about
that naked snake dude in that DNA strand is as tormenting
as this shit!... But I digressss. Ssso, without any
further ado, my illustriousss colleagues and I will
give you a guided tour of all things Rosssss. Keep
in mind that thisss site is evil. It will warp your
sssoul and fuck you up even more than watching G.I.
Joe the Movie 10 times in a row! You have been warned.
this most honorable page is where magic and mystical
energies bring forth all New
Stuff that most
dishonorable Rossman produces for the world like
evil oni spits out broken bones and feces of
devoured enemies. New Stuff on Wednesdays, motherfucker!"
"Within the depths of the Examiner
you will find the answers to questions that you
probably weren't even asking. It goes beyond the
limits of tactful journalism and often bases 'facts'
on hearsay and pillowtalk. Speaking of 'pillows',
the feather ones at Flint's place cause me to sneeze
like a rhino in heat whenever I touch them, which
is why I always ride 'cowgirl style'. Yee-haw!"
"The Daily is the internet's
gayest 'blog' ever created. Take all of the Livejournals
out there created by LARPers, furry-lovers, and
vankers who type out 'LOL' every third vord, combine
their retardedness into one moronic entity and
you vill have yourself the Daily Rossman. Every
once in a vhile things here are interesting (like
vhen the Rossman almost gets killed by robots or
vild volverines), but most often the entries are
more painful than getting your tongue stuck to
Destro's face when it's below freezing outside."
Reviews and Ratings
"*Hic!* Urp... The Reviews
and Ratings page... *Hic!* It, errrrrrr... Ow fuck!!!
Damn it Polly! I told you, no biting while your
there... Think 'popsicle'. It's all in the licking.
Wha?... Yeah, the Rossman rates shit like nobody's
business. Once he rated my COCK!... Har har har!...
Nah, I'm just messin' with ya... My cock is too
faboo to be rated by a cow-pucker like him... Yeaaaaah,
that's it, bird... *Hic!*"
"Yo, mo' fo'! What it is, with
the gizz? The Digest is the place to be for retarded
things through history. There's shit on G.I.
Joe and animation
that will make you crap your pants in anticipation.
Or you could Learn How
to Do Things and
all that shit, there's just so damn much you won't
know when to quit! Just try to absorb this
eclectic collage, and always remember 'Body Massage'!"
"There are many evil persons
in this world, and they're all associates of
the Rossman. I am not one of them though. Even...
Even if he asked me to 'hang out' with him...
I'd probably still say 'no'. Well, unless I
didn't have anything else planned you know.
I mean, yeah, sometimes I do have to have my
bionic arm polished, and my eye patch dry cleaned...
But neither one of those tasks ever takes that
long. I could still do something that night
you know... Call me? Please?"
"Mmmmmmf mffff mmmfffff
mmmff mmmmmmfffmmmmm. Mmmmmmmm mmfffffff mmfff
mmmmmmmfff mmffffmmmmmmm mmmmmmm mmm mfff mmmmmmffff
mm. Mmmff mmmff mmmff! Mmmmmmmmffff mffmmmmmm
mmmmmmffmmmm mmffff mmmmmmmmmff mmmmfffmmff."
"Kemo sabe, this place to
read letters written to god of plains, keeper
of buffalo, mater of squaw, Rossman. Rossman
diety of Spirit's culture. We no worship Quetzacoatl
anymore. Winged serpent pansy compared to Rossman.
Rossman saved village from-........ Ha ha ha!
Sorry, I can't keep that up. I was just fucking
with you. Anyway, amigo, the Rossman is a piece
of caca grandisima who thinks the world revolves
around his bizarre mind. These are letters, mostly
'hate' letters, from readers like you. Enjoy!"
"Giggle! This is the greatest
anime show ever!"
"Tee hee! You bet! It's got violence, sex,
tentacles, explosions and a god-destroying
"Oh my! Now, let's both get naked and rub
each other down with KY Jelly!"
"You're on, sister! Byeeeeee!"
there you have it. A quick little rundown of all the
madnessss found within this sssite. The Rossssman is
one sick mother, I kid you not. He thinksss he'sss
funny, and that's what makes him so deadly. He'sss
like taking that donkey dick in your old math classss
who kept shouting out the lamest jokesss in the middle
of the lesssson just to get some poor annoyed classmate
to acknowledge his existence, mixed with Gallagher.
You know, with that fucking pineapple-smasher routine
that got old 2 minutes before he invented it.
"Anyway, in cassse you need more of a direction to
find jackshit in this sssite, might I recommend the
Rossssman's deep and insssightful looks into G.I.
Joe: The MASS Device Sssaga, G.I.
Joe Versus Cobra and the Pyramid of Darkness, G.I. Joe Versus the Movie and Logic, or G.I. Joe Versus Cobra & Serpentor (and Physicssss)? Or
how about the evil article entitled Searchin'
Sin City for the Seven Deadlies?
Yesssss. Or you can Make Your Own Mongo Comics to annoy your peerssss. Or if you need help with certain bodily functions
you can read all about How
to Make a Baby the Rossman Way. Or, if you have a week to simply pisssssss away you might want to check out the Makings of an Über-Week article. Or jussst sit back
and read all about the NESticision
debate on Stem Cell Embryonic Research. Good God, thisssss page is just full of crap.
maybe if you gave a shit you can check out the
main CRoss Roads pages Here
(older version) and Here
(Zelda version). Or just go to the older Guide
to Living Life Right. It'sss pretty gay, but
so issss the Rossman, so it's all good. Or just
read the Clown Joke here.
Yesssss, YESSSSSSSS! Sssssssssssss, the clooooooown
"Ssso, that'sss pretty much all I've got to say...
This whole site is pretty much too gay even for me,
and I lisp like a flaming queen sitting on a sssailor's
lap waiting for Priscilla Queen of the Desert to come
on TBSssssss. Fuck it, Cobra has better thingsss to
do than waste time taking over the faggier partsss
of the internet. Zartan, bring forth yon porn!
"Cobra Commander out."