Learn from Saddam's mistakes

Welcome to one of the most self-important websites on the entire world wide web. For all you slow ones out there, I am the Rossman... You can stop bowing now if you so choose.

Yes, I do think highly of myself, but you would too if you were me. I mean, hey, I rock. But enough of the self ass kissing, you've come here for a purpose, and I intend to help you accomplish your goal. From your mind I can already sense your one and only one question for me. You ask, "Rossman, how can I live life right?"

Well, the answer is easy, my friend... but unfortunately it comes in many parts. I will explain it all to you, but you must be patient.

Bottle?!  C'mon, honey, gimme some natural sustenance!I actually taught this little guy his entire collection of rude Italian hand gestures. He learns pretty fast.

He may be a bit crude in stating so, but he has already attained a bit of "Rossman Oneness". The key is to accept the fact that you must let the Rossman into your mind (and for all you hot chicks out there, the body too) before "Livin' Right" is even a possibility. Hopefully by the end of this page you will be able to look back and understand... Like the epiphany that a dung beetle has after a rhino drops some kids off at the pool right on top of his burrow in the African wilderness. Yes, soon you too will be just like that dung beetle. 

Just accept the fact that I'm better than you.

You already know "the goal" (i.e. livin' life right), now for the plan of action. First you need clowns. Not just any clowns though, you need fit-shaced clowns.

Let me tell you a story. It all happened my freshman year in college. I drove up from UGA to Furman U. (home of the Furman University Christian Knights... now use only the first initials) to see a friend over Spring Break. He was pre-pledging a frat at the time and they were having a big party over in one of the apartment complexes near campus. Everybody was having an okay time, but the party seemed to be sputtering pretty early. And then, it happened. The pre-ordered Clown arrived.

He rang the bell and started acting all goofy-like when the door was opened, but his excitement was short lived. Immediately he was dragged inside the place before he could run. Within seconds he had 50 + party goers surrounding him chanting "Chug! Chug!" while 15 or so large frat boys shoved bottles of liquor at him and demanded "Drink, or we kill you." He chose wisely.

After about an hour he seemed to forget that he was wearing any makeup or giant shoes at all. The clown started walking/tripping around the place looking for a hook-up. He had the best lines too. It was the first time I'd ever seen a man in polka-dot barrel pants and big red nose walk up to an attractive girl and say "Nice shoes...." (He then paused for a little whiskey shot) "Wanna fuck?" And he was fully into it too!

It was about this time that my friend had caught up to the clown in blood-alcohol levels and he decided to find out everything he could about the Pink-haired Wonder's incredible ability to read the female mind. He didn't get far though, for as soon as he looked the clown in the face he started laughing. The clown didn't get the joke, but soon most of the partiers were joining in. Finally, my friend Chi-Chi caught his breath enough and blurted out "Hey, I know YOU! You're Shitty the Clown!" and then he fell on the floor in a fit of laughter and vomit.

And thus a legend was born. There was a time when every single one of my comic strips I made for my friends had Shitty the Clown in them somehow (I know Chi-Chi's eternally proud of his Shitty comics). He was either the walking punchline or a main character in every volume for around 2 years. The point is, EVERYBODY needs at least one drunk clown in their lives. It is the first ingredient to living right.

The Rossman Police are on the job.  Do not fear!Don't fear, citizen! The Rossman Clown Patrol is on duty 24 - 7. I had Chi-Chi and gang train them personally to make damn sure that every clown they meet soon becomes Shitty the Clown. We've spent a lot of man hours and Red Worm Tequila on this giant project of ours, but I'm sure you'll agree that it was well worth the effort when your child's birthday party becomes 10Xs more fun as a result! Just be careful and don't let them attempt any balloon animals... There's only one thing they can make when in a tequila drunken state.

Next on the list is beer. One most assuredly needs vast amounts of this dark, rich,J Dobbs Bob says "Beer.  It's what's for dinner." barleyed beverage to keep going. Preferably Killian's Red or Guinness. Hopefully you're not poor and have to resort to a pathetic "lite" beer, or worse yet Coors. If you do, then you have worse problems than just getting drunk off the stuff. Seek help.

Now, the way that beer helps you live better (other than getting clowns drunk) is that it makes the world seem so much nicer. Soon, even ugly chicks begin to look pretty, and that is an amazing accomplishment. Beer is the great equalizer. It can make even the strongest and coolest people in the world do the dumbest and most idiotic things and (on the flip side) make the most pathetic losers seem almost likeable... but even alcohol has its limits.

Personally, my friends and I just like getting smashed and telling "Clown Jokes" (they are the bestest kind after all).

Giving Shitty the Clown a run for his money.We here at therossman.com have discovered many things using animal testing. The most important theory we have confirmed as scientific fact is that most animals are even funnier when they have a few pints of brew in them. Sometimes they even think they're peoples!

On the right you can see Nutso the Squirrel deciding which horse-piss brewskie he prefers... Turns out he was really a recovering alcoholic and we cancelled out at least 10 years worth of rehab. After he got plastered he claimed that he could still drive home but instead ran himself over with his own SUV.

Number three on the list (not in order of importance mind you) is chicks. Good looking chicks. Now I'm not talking about women that only look good after the pub stop. I only refer to naturally good looking girls. Without them there would be no point to life anyway. Well, technically I think you could say that about any of the points I'm making, but it holds especially true for chickies. Men need something to ogle after they've finished making fun of the clowns. Hot looking women are perfect for this. And for the ladies, well, that's why God made me. Ogle away. I'll even shake my ass for the right US President (bills, people, I'm talking about money).
I've nic-named her "bendy Wendy".  Guess why.To the left you can see my future wife. I don't know her name yet or what her likes and dislikes are, but just LOOK at her! Are you blind?! She is the most perfect woman I've ever seen bend between two chairs. Yes, she is Rossman compatible.

I lost track of where I was going here. Drunk clowns, beer, hot girls... Well, I guess that's all you need to live life right. If I can think of anything else I'll let you know.

"No, I don't think you know my momma.  Quite honestly she could kick your skinny living ass down the street you punk ass bitch!"The Rossman says, "Give Death a kick in the jombrones for me!"

You see, for although his advice on how to live life right is accurate, the unfortunate downside is that it happens to call the Reaper for a pick up a bit faster than if you lived like a rich but sterile and geeky computer programmer. On the plus side though, those pasty faced IBMers will always envy you and wish evil upon your soul when they see you strut down the street flaunting the Rossman approved hotties that you have hanging on your arms. But it's not too late for them either! Just three simple rules is all it takes.

Now to get into who I am. I'm not very complicated really. I like cool things (ex. video games, British sitcoms, anime, the UGA Bulldogs, the Iron Chef, the original unfarged Star Wars, midgets, Gary Coleman, and Nicole Kidman). There are even some uncool things that I like (ex. drawing weird cartoons, surfing the net for weird cartoons, slurpees [wait, those are pretty cool I guess], kids [which can be cool if you teach them how to use profanity], Alvin and the Chipmunks and Apple computers).

I like to make myself sound as melodramatic as possible all the time, but I pretend that I'm actually underserious and have no real opinions too. I like to read comic books in bookstores, but I always hide them behind open books of early American poetry and stuff. I love making web pages but I hate when people read them. I hate people, but I love gatherings. I believe that early Speilberg movies are already the greatest achievement mankind can ever hope to accomplish. We can stop making movies and Going down.stuff. That artform has already been perfected.

I love watching armless midgets dressed up as Aztec warriors chasing after conquistadors through jungles and swamps in bad Mexican TV movies. I love badly dubbed Godzilla movies and the A-Team. I believe that Yoshitaka Amano is the world's greatest living artist.

If I had a million dollars I would by you a fur coat, but not a real fur coat that's cruel. I think that "Weird Al" Yankovic is one of the most talented musicians on the face of the planet! If he and Sarah Brightman were to have a child it would align the planets and bring peace to the universe with its songs (just like Bill and Ted). If I could clone myself I would, just so that I could say "We" and "Us" instead of just "I" or "Me" all the time. I would eat nothing but Little Debbie Oatmeal cakes for breakfast everyday if I could... and I can and I do.

I believe that even though Jesus may love you the rest of us think you're an asshole. I really hate when people over use an annoying word and think that they're funny or cool for doing it (the word "kudos" comes to mind). I like to make friends with anybody who'll listen to me tell the "Chi-Chi" joke when drunk (and if they sit through it when I choose to act the whole damn thing out with full body language then I will canonize them a saint in the Church of the Rossman on the spot). I like to watch my robot beat up stupid people with pieces of a car. I like people who know what they want and know how to drive on the highway. I think that tall redhead chicks are the hottest thing on the planet. If I could find a hot 6'1" Scottish redhead named Celeste I'd propose to her before she could say "Aye, laddie". I firmly believe that the original Zelda and Metroid are the epitome of fine console gaming.

I think that Samantha from Bewitched is a better catch than Jeanie. I believe that the greatest movies ever made are Raiders of the Lost Ark, Billy Madison, the Transformers the Movie and To Live with Gong Li. I think that other than the Cartoon Network and Farscape on the Sci-Fi channel American TV sucks ass. I know that my family is really fuckin' cool and that my dad could kick the crap out of your dad.

Did you get all that, assfuck?

It's the powerful Mach 5!
Here's my dad with his weight lifting trophy he won at some bench press competition last year. Yeah, he may be old and all, but he could still beat up people like he was 23.

If you want to read more of this crap, click below.

Someday I will be President and I'll do it right.  First thing to go is that whole "monogamy" thing.
Yes, I do believe that the U. S. of A. is the greatest country in the world (tied with Scotland), but sometimes we do pick the worst fucking leaders. I just wish that my plan to secret ballot myself into the White House will be successful before I'm too old to chase intern tail. And let me tell you something, war-mongering countries will be lining up around the block to sign peace treaties just to get a look at the "Presidential Booty Babes" I'll have working the whole place. No more ugly "Monica's", old farts in dull suits or freaky looking Secret Service men in dark sunglasses patrolling the premises. When the Rossman's President there'll be nothing but hot chicks in lingerie and leotards walking around and bending over. The world will be in total peace before you know it.

I'd also make the leaders of China and Iran play my buddy Clint in GALAGA just to utterly humiliate them first. Of course I'd be nice and let them slap a Booty Babe's (TM) tush afterwards (just not too hard).

Go to part two!

Go forward, my friend. Find out all you ever wanted to know about the diety known as the Rossman

Just go to part two already!

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Base e-mail usIf you want to get in touch with me you can click on that e-mail button on the right. But I must ask that if you do so, please make sure that your message is somewhat meaningful. Questions about the site are good. Questions about where my family lives are bad. If you want to send me lesbian pornography, that is good. If you want to send me pictures of your mother, that is bad (unless she's like 30 or younger and has a nice rack). You get the idea.

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