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The Daily Rossman is the place where I talk all about my glorious existence and all the people I've maimed or had my robots kill day by day and week by week. Most of the time my life is pretty boring. The government assassins and the Burgundy Ninja clan of Murasame generally leave me well enough alone nowadays. This page is up just in case my friends and I do stumble upon another dead body or see and laugh at a bag of drowning kittens on the way to the Sea-Wench Pub (both of which seem to happen with more frequency than the cops seem to like). I enjoy talking about fun times like that and reliving old memories. Even if you don't like hearing about them. And FYI, NOT FOR KIDS.
Note to self 252: 01/19/2005 I decided to give that new fangled Battlestar Galactica on SciFi another chance, after hating it, sight unseen, last year when the pilot first premiered. I'm actually glad I did. The way that the first four hours of storytelling is just the set-up for the real show is cool. That's four full hours of the destruction of the human race on 12 heavily populated colony worlds. Awesome. Bob From the Future tells me that the real colony worlds that were destroyed several thousand years ago (leaving only the Earth to breed humans) were disposed of in a much sloppier manner. Instead of nuking the fuck out of those worlds, the primitive Cylons apparently lined up all the humans and made them walk through a giant meat grinder. Soon every colony world was filled with a two-foot coating of human meat, and the Cylons found that they really hadn't thought that one through. Being robots, they don't eat meat, and the greasiness of the ground up humans started fucking up their internal wiring, and growing horse flies the size of pitbulls. Pitbulls that liked to eat sizzling wires and diodes. And thus the great circle of life was complete. Thousands of years in the future, though, when Bob From the Future's people came across this lost civilization, they learned from the Cylons' mistake, and nuked the giant man and robot-eating flies from orbit. It was just in time too, as they had recently developed their own Farscape project... But that's a story for another day.
Note to self 251: 01/05/2005 Great... Just fucking great. ANOTHER goddamn new year. Why won't they stop coming?!?! All new years ever bring is change, and change sucks. Just ask the MegaPlayboy. The new year (and an uber-pothole) caused him to change an expensive tire on his Audi... and his fancy rim. Yup, he got royally rim-jobbed. Anyway, the past week and a half was pretty nice, all things considered. Hung out with the MegaPlayboy and Carl for a while, got some fam-time in, got Band of Brothers on DVD and some new shoes for Christmas, and then spent a week and a day doing nothing but watching 15+ movies (including Blade Trinity, Lemony Snicket, The Life Aquatic, Casshern, AppleSeed, and 4 Detective Conan movies), Band of Brothers, and two complete anime series (Heat Guy J and Mahoromatic). Honestly, I was kind of glad when I had to go back to work on Tuesday. Though that feeling left me at about 9:30AM when I realized that if I still had off I would still be asleep. Whatever. Fucking 2005.
Note to self 250: 12/22/2004 It's Christmas time, again. Which has its plusses and negatives. Lots of fun Christmas parties (three this past weekend): Plus. Buying things for other people: Negative. Buying a new 5.1 DTS surround sound home theater for myself (with the money I planned to spend on siblings and in-laws, which due to THEIR cheapness we decided/agreed to turn our gift-buying into a pick-a-name-from-a-hat style grab bag): Plus. Doctor Dave accidentally sawing off my left leg and cooking it up as a Christmas goose for the gang: Negative... You get the idea. Anyway, the best part of the week came when the MegaPlayboy and I exchanged presents. I got him a T-shirt that read "I Gots the Need to Spread My Seed;" with an arrow below the text that pointed down. He got me a woman. A nice, hot, saucy woman. Carl scared her away into the wild woods behind my house though when he showed up at my house to give me his gift: a dog... Well, more precisely, a dog's head. I'll probably search for her for another half an hour and then call it quits. Oh, wait, The Facts of Life is coming on now. Gotta love that Tootie.
Note to self 249: 12/15/2004 The King has RETURNED! After getting an early copy of Return of the King Extended Edition from New Line last week, the MegaPlayboy, Robot Pedro and I sat down to watch the whole 675 minute Lord of the Ring Extended Trilogy Hyper Sucorgelous Collection in one sitting. That's over 11 hours of actual film, which would have been longer had we watched the 20 minute credit roll at the end of each one too. We finished at about 2AM on Sunday morning, but we were so hyped up on all things Ringsian that the dark power of Sauron had grabbed hold of and contaminated our minds, turning us into snivveling Orcs (well, I think I turned into an Uruk-Hai, and Robot Pedro turned into a dwarf, for which I had to shove a spear made out of my old lamp right through his head [the only way to kill a dwarf]). Then, the MegaPlayboy and I went on an unholy quest to steal something that could destroy the evil that we've been corrupting (out of good) for the last ten ages (aka "months"): Namely, the ring on the finger of Carl's brother, John. It was all so clear to us, after sitting still, watching the happenings of Middle Earth for an entire day while consuming nothing but Killian's Red and cheese sticks: That John's new wife is a devil woman, who's evil is even eviler than our lord, Sauron!... Hell, she must be the reincarnation of Morgoth himself! So, we cut off John's finger with the ring still attached, stuffed it into Janet's snoring mouth, sewed it shut, and then threw the bitch into the closest volcano-like thing we could find (namely the giant furnace in the basement of the high school down the street). The spell wasn't immediately broken, as John kept pining for his "precious," over and over till we got him shit faced enough to forget about the whore and her mind control over him. As the saying goes, "Even the smallest, and most drunk, can change the course of the future......" Or something like that. Anyway, we did it all FOR FRODOOOOOOOOO!
Note to self 248: 12/01/2004 Last week was one of the (if not THE) best week(s) of my life. It all started out with an UBER-WEEK, which will be explained and delved into in an upcoming Examiner piece, followed by a turkey feast, followed by an evening out to a movie and sushi with Karen on Friday (had to royally make up for basically ignoring her during the Uber-Week), followed by a great Anti-Turkey Thanksgiving feast of roast beast at Mehve's on Saturday, followed by a pleasant capper on Sunday, and finally a pretty damn good and not too painful "back to reality" Monday. Tons of relaxation, and very little negative RE-action. Thursday and Friday were fun and dandy and all, but Saturday's all day gourmet meal courtesy of Mehve was just beyond the wicked. Mehve went all Chen Kinichi on us and made tons of 4 star food shit, all with lamb as the secret key ingredient. Fancy appetizers (including bruscetta with fresh cheese and tomatoes), french-onion soup and crispy salad for beginning courses, and then sliced potatoes au shroom, rack of lamb in a sea of broccoli, green beans with stuff mixed in, and squash of yellow to finish things up. Then for dessert we has lamb cheesecake and pecan pie, with a hint of lamb. It just kept going and going. That complete BASTARD! I had gained like 5 pounds from all the pizza, wings, candy, ice-cream, and then Thanksgiving meal already. After the anti-turkey meal, I then watched the Chief and Mehve blast through HALO 2 like it was melted butter. As if I didn't have enough ammo with which to hate Microsoft before that ending... MS is filled with shitty shitty fag-fags. Worst set up for a sequel ever. Buncha dicks. Even Angry Amy was kind of mellow on Monday (I must have given her too much chloroform and elephant tranqs on the Friday before Thanksgiving [to keep her out of my hair and locked up in a barricaded closet with Carl and Robot Pedro so that she/they didn't try to fuck up my week, as they had all separately claimed to be plotting to do])... Though I did wonder how she got out of her captivity, and I worried if I had set in motion the wheels of my almost certain near-future demise by a now triumvirate of EVIL. Yes, I got those three out of my way for a measly week, but now they might be allies in their fight against me... Or Angry Amy might have just killed off and eaten the other two seeing as I can find no trace of them since locking that final deadbolt almost two weeks before... Or that might just be a cunning plan on their part to throw me off... Or...... Crap. So let me recap: Uber-Week + lots of junk food (multiplied by) a traditional Thanksgiving Day dinner + fun ladies' night out with Kare (squared) + anti-turkey first class feast (minus) Zero robot attacks = Awesomnisity and fatness. Ahhhhhhhhhh.
Note to self 247: 11/17/2004 Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage. Deep, seething raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage. I want my retarded cousin, Rick, DEAD. "Sure, Rossman, I can get you a bunch of art programs and even Mac OS Panther. No prob. It'll only take about a half an hour to install it all." .....And 3 years to re-populate it with everything that was on it before he DELETED my entire harddrive!! "Oh, sorry, I hope you didn't have anything important on there.... Uh-hyuck" (That "uh-hyuck" is Goofy's stupid laugh whenever he normally fucks things up). All my thousands of MP3s... Deleted. My freelance projects over the past three years... Extinct. Gigabytes upon gigabytes of movies, tv shows and anime that I've bittorrented since I got my computer... No more. But most frightening, all of my incredible pr0n links to the best of the best free sites are now gone forever. Sure, the top six I remembered, but the rest of the many thousand are just fading memories to me now.... Raaaaaage rising!!..... I tried to get Bob From the Future to take me back a few days to stop me from letting Re-Re Ricky fuck up my Mac, but Bob From the Future was insistent that I just let things pass as they already have, seeing as the traumatic loss of my pr0n stockpile is apparently what eventually drives me to create the next glorious evolution to the XXX-entertainment industry: Hard Light Hologram Hookers. Sounds promising, but I think I'll just kill Bob From the Future the next time I see him, steal his chrono-watch, and fix the time-stream up the way I want it fixed up. Yeah, that HLHH sounds fun, but I need my uber-pr0n NOW!!!
Note to self 246: 11/10/2004 This week was kind of boring and all... Except for when I had the shady Dr. Dave turn me into a god. That was pretty cool. See, it all started on Saturday when I actually made somebody bow down before me and worship me. That felt good. My ego was stroked and I just had to have more adoration aimed at me. So I went to the good doctor and told him, "Deify me!" And the operation began. I awoke the following day and found a very sharp, spinning and glowing halo above my head. After bandaging my fingers up, I admired the saintly long locks and beard that Dr. Dave had grafted to my skull. Very nice. The robes were a groovy touch too. I also found, when I tried to take a bath, that I could walk on top of water... Unfortunately I couldn't submerse myself, but it was still a pretty cool effect. I then drove over to Lake Lanier in order to convert all the heathen sunbathers into Rossmanites. I walked out about 100 yards into the lake and began preaching from the Book of Ross (mainly my old Examiner pieces), and telling all the people that gathered that they were all very very naughty, and that the only way for them to make it into my eternal kingdom was to give me lots of money which I would then bless and keep. Just as 2 or 3 of the 10 people who gathered around started reaching for their wallets, one of the "aqua-repulsor units" that Dr. Dave had surgetically implated in my feet started to short circuit and I found that I was flipped upside down in the water with only my right sandalled foot sticking out into the air, repulsing the water above it. How very ungodlike... The next thing I knew I found myself on a cross next to Georgia 400 with a sign nailed above my head that read "Here lies King Kong's balls." Goddammit! I hate being crucified!
Note to self 245: 11/03/2004 The weekends in which good stuff happens to you that you didn't even plan on are the best. This Saturday, I was planning to crash whatever sort of Halloween social event that Team Greenwood may have had planned (horror movies, LANing, scaring the shit out of costumed tots), but instead I had a suprise visit early that morning (actually woke me up) from somebody I hadn't seen in well over a year. Pleasantness ensued. I don't think I even left the house until early Sunday afternoon when my special Guest finally said she had to leave. That alone would have made for a great weekend (well, that and all the left over candy from the lack of "T or T"ers), but soon after that Bob From the Future paid me a social call, and then proceeded to take me on a temporal hunt for some robot demons that that he had accidently let loose in the time stream somewhen in the Reagan administration (He was only supposed to take them back 5 minutes in time from when he started). We found them on Halloween night, 1987, in Detroit, where they had proceeded to capture 57 young trick or treaters, hang them by their toes from tall oak trees, and bash their heads in with basball bats (with nails in them) until "a sweet surprise" came tumbling out. When we captured them I asked the red robo-devils why they didn't just eat the candy that the masked tykes were carrying around instead of eating the tykes themselves. They just kept spinning their heads at the question and they repeated "Does not compute.... Beedee beedee beedee..." That was when Bob From the Future informed me that the robot demons were originally created years before his time in order to hunt down and "terminate with extreme toddler prejudice" all the children who participate in the illegal, underground pagan holiday of All Hallow's Eve. Apparently the United Solar System Governating Body of the Republique declared that only the one true religion of Mosesism (named for John Hinkley Moses, who apparently, in 2792 AD, founded a church on the basis of all men being equal and guilty in the eyes of his double-barrelled pulse shotgun) could ever even be hinted at in day to day life without punishment. So after the robots were captured I borrowed Bob From the Future's time traveling device and went to 2753 AD and aborted Mr. John Moses in his 140th trimester, and then set myself up as the leader of the Rossman School of Religiousy Thought and Nudity, where "all titties are considered equal and suckable." Then I travelled back to 1987 and went trick or treating with my own young self in St. Louis. With my adult driving abilities we were able to hit over 2 thousand houses that night. I even let my younger self keep 2/3rds of all the candy, but when I finally returned to my own time I had somehow lost four inches of height, and gained 35 pounds of belly. Fuck the space-time continuum!
Note to self 244: 10/13/2004 Well, this past Tuesday was Angry Amy's birthday, and that meant "office lunch". Joy. And since Angry Amy's on a (fagtastic) vegan kick right now, that meant the restaurant that she chose for us to go to was the shittiest place in town, The Grit (I don't know why she couldn't just pick a normal restaurant that serves meat AND has a crappy vegan menu... Why do all vegans pull this kind of shit?). Things started off calm and controled, but soon Marv from HR couldn't contain his retarded political beliefs and blurted out, "My God, if we don't get Bush out of the White House next month I am going to fucking move to Canada." It was completely out of the blue, and despite the fact that we all agreed to not talk about religion, politics or Oprah (as all conversations on any of those topics have been known to create full-blown fistfights in my office). Well, before I could say anything, Angry Amy herself spat out, "You promise? Cause that's a good enough reason for me to vote for him." Then the gloves came off. Plates, forks, knives and bread was thrown, eyes were gouged, faces were raked with finger nails, perfume spray was turned into flame throwers, mace was let loose and midgets were tossed (ummm, I want to apologize to Frank in PR for that last one... It was just something I always wanted to do). It was a slaughter! The police and some ambulances were called, two entire buildings were burned down, and 4 wound up dead. Unfortunately Marv was one of them and now we'll never know if he really would have moved if W was re-elected. Thanks, Amy, for the shit food and a new eternal mystery. What a bitch.
Note to self 243: 10/06/2004 Ahhhhh, what a blast from the past. Aladdin finally came out on DVD yesterday. Aladdin will always hold a warm and juicy place in my heart. It was the first movie I took Just Kidding to back in high school... Errr, wait, or was Groundhog Day the first movie I took her to? Eh, I doubt even she'd remember. Life is a Highway, huh? Anyway, Kiff, Carl and I went to the UGA vs. LSU game this past weekend. Too bad LSU didn't show up. The score was 45-16... But it wasn't even that close. I can't believe that they were ranked #3 pre-season. Faggy tigers. Carl beat six of them up after the game too. I also watched an entire anime series this weekend. It was only 13 episodes, and I was bored. The thing about this show though is that it was so embarrassingly fucked up, I will never ever admit that I saw it. Never! My God, the nerve of the writers and director... Just frighteningly disturbing that somebody saw fit to pour money into its production. People I've already told I've seen it, but refuse to tell them what it was, have already spent dozens of guesses as to what show it was in order to see just why it was so bad. Some have guessed it, but I just said, "Nope," or "What's that show about? Sounds lame." Nobody will EVER get me to acknowlege that I watched it. My street cred would would be lower than Mondale's in mid November, 1984. You want to know just how bad this show is? Well, remember that I actually DID admit that I saw stuff like Onegai Twins, Chobits and Popotan.... And yet THIS one must remain a secret. Sweet zombie Jesus, if it ever got out..... Finally, dream analysis time. Had a dream on Monday morning that I was back at my old (first) high school. I dreamt that I had started the semester late (due to an extended vacation), and was having a really shitty time trying to figure my schedule out. See, I remembered that the class schedules varied depending on what day of the week it was, but I couldn't remember which schedule it was that day (for some reason I knew it was a Wednesday). I went to two of my classes that I thought were first, and didn't get busted or yelled at for being there, but my third period gym class just seemed wrong. So I started wandering around the campus (Wow! Seriously, they like quadrupled the size of the place since I was there last), and found the enormous cafeteria where Mehve was eating lunch with everbody (Three things here should have tipped me off that this was a dream. Firstly, Mehve is older than I am and we were both supposed to be freshmen or sophmores in high school; Secondly, there were plasma TVs all over the place showing volcanoes, floods and earthquakes from all around the world.... Even if it was a private school, that's a lot of bread to throw around on entertainment for the pupils just in the cafeteria; and Thirdly, the place was co-ed now. If it was co-ed for my two years there I don't think I would have had 1/8th the shitty time that I initially did). I remember thinking "Why is Mehve here?... That's not right.... But somebody better know if today's schedule is either a 1, 2, 3, 4, or a 5 or I'm gonna go apeshit!" So many things were out of place, but it felt so damn real. Kooky. So, lots of randomness today. That's all though. Go look up some pr0n now or something.
Note to self 242: 09/29/2004 Jezus fucking Keeeeerist! That's hurricane number three that's run over Athens, GA, in the past 4 weeks!! Seriously, what the goddamn fuck?! This time we didn't even get a day off from work! What's the point?! Anyway, despite my not wanting to go, the Wolfman talked me into checking out Anime Weekend Atlanta this past Saturday. It had been years since I had been to AWA, and I was immediately reminded why once I walked into the conference center's doors. L-A-M-E. Yes, I understand that the simple idea of an anime con is lame and embarrassing, but AWA continues to break new ground in "shittiness". No guests of honor beyond the English voice cast of Pokemon and no anime that they showed was new or fresh. Everything was either already released in the States or just about to be released (and out in digisubs for the past 2 years). And a good portion of what they showed (or at least what I checked out) was dubbed. What the fuck?! The Wolfman, who had never been to a real anime con before) was twitching in his chagrin, and he's a regular at DragonCon! Fuck, if something makes you feel like a geek just for walking through the lobby when you feel comfortable at goddamn DragonCon you just KNOW that they're doing something wrong. The only good thing that I got out of AWA this year was the Live Action Asian Film Room. They played the ubertastic Azumi and the Thai film Ong Bak (with that crazy Thai Jackie Chan kicking ever so much Thai ass). We did run into Foxfur, but after that meeting and those "custard shots" I felt that I had to apologize to a lot of ladies I've known since high school. So here's a group apology: Ladies, I'm sorry. I honestly did not know it was that bad when I grabbed the back of your head like that. |
