Rossman on the Lam (page 7)

Then we basically left the Indomitable Universal Studios Movie Park.

Ya ain't missing much, folks. I've had bouts of constipation that were scarier than the Jaws and Earthquake rides combined. The Terminator 2 Experience was okay, but I did it before in Hollywood. Then there was the Back 2 The Future Ride.... It was almost as shameful as the Star Trek Experience that the Wolfman and I were unfortunate enough to shit away good money on last year in Vegas. Almost. And despite it being the worst movie that all of the theme rides in the park were based on, the Men in Black Shot-'Em-Up ride was, curiously enough, the most fun thing to do there. Lots of things to shoot at. But basically, that was it.

The Greenwood Crew and I then decided to chill for a little bit before the Halloween Horror Islands of Nightmares and Bed-Wetting started up that night. So we headed on over to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville Bar and Grill for some quick burgers and brews. All in all a tasty meal. Our waitress was even pretty cute and very forgiving. It's not every serving wench who'll continue to offer to mop up your crotch by hand after you spill salsa down your pants 5 times in one meal! For that she had my gratitude. Unfortunately for her I could only tip her in Latverian Euros. So sad.

But anywho, the Halloween Horror Nights was the whole reason we had come to Universal in the first place!... Well, besides also trying to evade and possibly come up with a plan to assassinate Dr. Doom. It's when they shut the park down for a few hours in the early evening in order to transform the entire park into a giant evil dimension of spiderwebs and fog! When the sun goes down they re-open the front gate and let the unsuspecting pantywaists back inside in order to scare the bejeezus out of them with every possible step. The fog is so damn thick in some places that unless you're holding on to somebody's hand, you will uh, not see them.... Or even like, know where they are. I tried holding on to the Diva's and Stefacronopoulis' hind quarters, but it turned out it was really Mehve and Psycho. The real horror of that incident was that it led to PW sqeezing my tooshie whenever my back was turned for the rest of the night.

Ninja fool versus Ninja tool!  Who would win?This picture is a shot of me and the "Nighttime PARTY Ninja" that I met while getting the shit scared out of me in the middle of the fog-drenched Horror Festival. He was pretty cool! He didn't even try to kill me once... Well, except that one time when I massaged his tight buns thinking he was a female ninja and he threw those shuriken at me only to impale some punk ass little bitch who kept stepping on the backs of my shoes which made me bend down to fix them when she was sliced to high hell by the inaccurate projectiles. But I like to think of it as "the ninja was trying to kill the ass grabber, not me in particular."

In case you were wondering, yes, that's how I normally think.

The dense fog was also a detriment because in it hid an ass-load of park employees with masks on and chainsaws just itching to be revved. And rev them those sheep-mounters did... Time and time again we would turn a corner only to find ourselves faced with a patch of pea soup fog and the deafening roar and girly scream of a chainsaw! Honestly, I think that "girly scream" came from me (though I can't be sure if it was from the front or back end of me, those bunny rapists always scared me so).

Each themed island had its own theme of terror that night too. Marvel Island had a bunch of villains prancing around in their tights and pussy-boots that my master, Dr. Doom, could easily have kicked the crap out of them in. Jurassic Dino World had live fucking velociraptors hiding in the ferns and bathroom stalls. The Lost Continent of Lost Creativity had... ummmm, they had people in masks, that were obviously the last things left on the shelves at Spencer's Gifts, trying to spook people. And Dr. Suess' 7th Circle of Hell Land had... shit. I don't recall at all. That must have been when I lost too much bodily fluid from pissing my pants like an untrained monkey and passed out in a cold sweat at my friends' feet (you'd be surprised how often that happens).

Soon though, I was slapped awake by Matt^2 and told that the Bill and Ted Live Halloween Stage Show was about to begin!!!

Mephisto?!@?!  I thought you said, "Banipresto!"Here's Mephisto, the King of Darkness. Yeah, I know, I so could have pounded him into the pavement if I wanted to. But then I'd have to live with that fact that along with the hospitalization of the Evil Overlord would come the resurgence of crappy Christianity propaganda out the yin-yang! Don't get me wrong, I have nothing personal against Christianity (I mean, I believe in a God that thinks that I'm the funniest, sarcastic, sonuvabitch this side of Dane Cook!)... Just how some of those Bible thumpers always take advantage of the Sinful One's leave of absences by flooding the world with crappy Davey and Goliath cartoons and pamphlets that say your soul will suck ass for all of eternity if you don't start stop punting orphans and setting old people's houses on fire. Fuck that shit!

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