made a cursory evaluation of the vicinity and chose which rides
we wanted to do first. We walked clockwise through the park and
found our way through Marvel Island, Retarded Comic Strip Island,
Jurassic Dinosaur Island, Ran Out of Ideas Island, and Dr. Suess'
Twisted and Scary as Hell Island.
We chose to hit the Marvel Super Island first. All in all
it was most definitely the coolest of the 5 themed environments.
What with Storm and Rogue patrolling the streets in their skimpy
and oh-so-tight spandex just wanting me to feel them up and rub
my crotch against them till my love and lust came boiling over
the top of my self-contained passion kettle like Mt. Vesuvius
blowing the shit out of Pompeii!! GOD!!! YESSSS!!! OH GOD!!!!
SAY MY NAME!!!!! SAY MY GODDAMN NAME, BITCH!!!!!!!!! Wolverine
and Spider-Man were hanging around too, but their cod-pieces
seemed to get tighter as they watched me get beaten up by my
super-lady friends, so I just stayed the hell away from them.
I doubted that they could help me excape Doom's goons anyway.
I mean, between 50,000 superheroes in this world, I don't think
that even one has truly ever beaten the real Dr. Doom. Maybe
a DoomBot or two, but that's it. That's pretty sad. I mean, sure,
my master is one smart cookie and all, but I truly have a problem
believing that a fool like the Hulk or a naked Mary Jane Watson
could not take him down a peg or two on a bad day. C'mon! I happen
to know that if Psycho Weasel had broken wind in Doom's presence,
the metal-masked one would have passed out from the evilly concealed
fumes. He's just a man. He's got normal weaknesses.
Seriously, why the fuck hasn't anybody ever tried to eliminate
the bastard with an attack that would destroy his olfactory senses,
or his manhood. Everybody always attempts to blow him
up or punch his head into his torso. That's just lazy thinking.
See, Doom's problem was always the fact that he thought big.
Usually way too big. He never thought small. Soooooo, take baby
steps in kicking his ass! Start out by egging his front door
and soaping his DoomMobile. Then leave lots of piles of fresh
dogcrap in his yard. Blast an airhorn outside his DoomCastle
during his favorite TV shows (He loves Smallville for
some mongoloid reason), and when he's good and pissed off, and
he can't think straight, that's when you confront him and rip
the biggest bludger of a gasline (in your shorts) to KO him.
Trust me, I've been studying the guy for years, so all you wacky
superheroes out there should listen up. Doom's mask isn't meant
to come off all that easily, and smells (along with crumbs of
food) get stuck in there. Once he's out cold you can either stick
his hand in a bucket of warm water, or kill him. It's that friggin'
"If it's that friggin' easy," you say, "Then
why haven't you ever dethroned him, Rossman?" Because, asswipe,
I usually get caught up in drawing mustaches on his metal face
and taking pictures of my dick near his mouth in order to post
on the internet for the pleasures of sick fetishists everywhere.
I always forget to slit his throat or tie sacks of kittens to
his feet and throw him into the crocodile-filled moat.
In the early hours of
our Universal Islands of Adventure Tour the gang and I was/were
confronted by one of the evil minions sent by Doom to "Return
the Rossman home for a spanking"..... The Green Goblin be
his name! Seriously though, don't let his Halloweenie exterior
fool you. He's really just a schizo with a squeaky voice in tights.
Tell him he looks like Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and at
least four of his personalities will begin to cry. That's when
you sucker punch him like Captain Murphy of the SeaLab!
After I had him
on the ground crying (for me to stop kicking his groin into his
skull) I started to feel sorry for the sodder. When he promised
that he wouldn't return to Doom to tell him where I was I helped
him back to his feet and treated him to a brewskie. Yep, that's
right! A brewskie in the middle of a theme park! I mean, how
righteous is that?! I got kicked out of a certain rodent themed
entertainment fun-land for simply asking for any kind
of alcoholic refreshment! I was really starting to like this