Rossman on the Lam (page 5)

The Incredible Hulk rollercoaster was the first ride that we went on. The green machine itself was pretty feckin' cool and all, but I want to take the time to talk about the REALLY SHITTY animated short that kept playing on the monitors inside the line-waiting building. See, the normal wait time for the Hulk ride is between 30 minutes to an hour. And while you're waiting for a seat on the coaster you're pretty much forced to watch and listen to the tale of how the machine was built by Bruce Banner in an attempt to cure himself from the angry, green beast within. Yeah, okay, cute gimic. We got it. But I would have probably enjoyed the tale a little bit more if it hadn't been animated by Beavis and Butthead's attention deficite disordered younger brothers. It sucked. Bruce looked like a skeletal Paul Ruebens (aka PeeWee Herman) and it had the choppy frame rate of that really cuntastic Johnny Chimpo cartoon from Afganistan (as seen in Supertroopers). Not to mention that it was really really gay. Seriously, Rupert Everett showed up and said, "Holy dick munching cock balls! This animation is REALLY gay!"

Anywho, we rode the Hulk (you know what I mean) about 8 times that day and it never grew old. But it still wasn't our favorite ride at the park. Despite its line being even longer (and the line-waiting animation being even more eye-scratchingly painful), the Spider-Man Adventure ruled the scene! I still smile about it every time I think about that 3 minute jaunt through Manhattan at the Spider's side! The Spider-Man Adventure is a cart ride where you need special 3D glasses to see all the bricks, webbing, tentacles and punches fly at your face. The whole premise is that the New Sinister Six have declared war on New York and have stolen the Statue of Liberty.  J.J. Jameson then hires you to take an experimental tank out into the middle of the warzone to get the story. Oh yeah, then Spider-Man shows up to save the day and save your asses when you get zapped by a ray that makes your tank levitate high above the city streets.... Okay! So the story is dumber than Dan Quayle and Butch's (the dog who was always trying to get the better of Droopy in those old MGM cartoons but who always failed because he's dumb) love child. But who cares. It's the thrill of feeling like you're falling 23 stories in an armored tank that matters, and in that Spider-Man the Ride wins in spades!

Jumping gigowatts, Marty! Your mom has the hots for you!Thank God! After much looking I was able to find the lovable Doctor Emmett L. Brown and ask him for some temporal help in evading my evil evil captors (which included the Red Skull, a vicious clone of Barney the dinosaur, some flying monkeys and lots and lots of midgets with cock-shrinking rayguns).

At first the Doc was a little thrown off his mark. He didn't seem to understand either my predicament or the fact that I was prepared to kill him with 1.21 gigowatts of Rossman electricity if he didn't lend me his DeLorean and Mr. Fusion. He reluctantly agreed though when I showed him some Photoshopped images I had made of him in bed with Principal Strickland. He fell for it and soon I was gunning the DeLorean to 88MPH, back in time a couple of decades, in order to meet my parents before I was born in order to get them to change my name to Steve... Just so my nickname would be Steve-O when I eventually came back to this time (FYI, that name thing didn't work the first time, and I was then named "Mike Crotch" for a little while before I traveled back again and got my 'rents to name me "Ron Jeremy"... and the rest is history).

There were a few more things to see in Marvel Island after Spider-Man and the Hulk, but the X-Men twirly cups o' doom and the Fantastic Four Diner of Debt hardly held the thrilling capacity of being knocked around by Doctor Octopus' arms like a drunken house wife who talks too much. The only other highlight in Marvel World was the DOOM FREEFALL. Even though they illegally used my master's name and mug without any compensation, I still have to give it a thumbs up for being royally sweet! Yeah, it only lasted about 10 seconds, but to get shot into the stratosphere and then dropped back down to terra firma like a mob informant off of the Brooklynn Bridge in the amount of time it takes to yell, "My fucking testicles fell off!" is amazing!

Unfortunately, we chose to follow up our Marvel Land visit with a skip and a jump over to Ultra Moronic Comic Strip Island. The highlight of this part of the park was the... Well, it must have been the- ...... urmmm. Well, the low point was being FORCED to sit in Psycho Weasel's lap during the Dudley DoRight log flume under penalty of bitchslap by the teenaged fucker in the bording area with the god complex. That asshole thought he had power because he asked people how many folks there were in their parties... Actually, thinking back on it, I guess he really did have power. I still don't remember how he got me to do it, but he did get me to sit on PW's lap like an obedient puppy. The shame!! Stef said that she burned the picture that she bought of us shooting down that last hill where it looked like I was smiling a bit too much, but I'm willing to bet that it'll show up on the net sometime in the near future just when I'm trying to take political and military power away from Dr. Doom or George W.

Wait a minute, that flume ride wasn't even the lowest point of Re-Re Comic Strip Land. The giant cut out of Cathy doing the spread eagle thing while scarfing that melting ice cream cone was. I still have nightmares even while I'm awake.

"Ass" as in "donkey"Something went terribly wrong with the DeLorean though, and I found myself back in the early 60s at the site of a retro space-rocket launch. I had heard about this incident before (Dr. Doom was left behind when the Unfantabulous Four first blasted into space to get their dosage of space gammady gook waves and turn all invisibly bendy and shiznit), but I had apparently never heard the whole story...

From what I could see from behind the blast doors and lead-laced glass in the control center, Prof. Doom (he still hadn't gotten his doctorate at that point) was still on the launch pad when Reed Richards pressed the button. What alarmed me the most though, was what Doom was wearing when this all happened.... A rugged ninja shirt that closely resembled mine! How 'bout that, huh?

Anyway, Doom's shirt, face and personality were all royally fucked up by the rocket, and I mocked and laughed at him as they rolled him away to the waiting ambulance. He kept trying to strangle me, but I just kept punching him in the neck over and over whenever the paramedics looked down to check out my ass.

I then returned to my own time with a sense of knowledge that only illegal and immoral time travel can provide. I now KNEW why Doom was so adamant about getting my rugged ninja shirt from me. I reminded him of the douchebag who had a kick-ass shirt just like the one that he had lost due to Richard's retardation, and who continued to heckle him over his loss and punch him in his vocal chords until he passed out around 5 or 6 times! In fact, I WAS that douchebag! Great scott!... This was heavy.

Find out if we burned down that fucked up Cathy image!
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