were a few more things to see in Marvel Island after Spider-Man
and the Hulk, but the X-Men twirly cups o' doom and the Fantastic
Four Diner of Debt hardly held the thrilling capacity of being
knocked around by Doctor Octopus' arms like a drunken house wife
who talks too much. The only other highlight in Marvel World
was the DOOM FREEFALL. Even though they illegally used my master's
name and mug without any compensation, I still have to give it
a thumbs up for being royally sweet! Yeah, it only lasted about
10 seconds, but to get shot into the stratosphere and then dropped
back down to terra firma like a mob informant off of the Brooklynn
Bridge in the amount of time it takes to yell, "My fucking
testicles fell off!" is amazing!
Unfortunately, we chose to follow up our Marvel Land visit
with a skip and a jump over to Ultra Moronic Comic Strip Island.
The highlight of this part of the park was the... Well, it must
have been the- ...... urmmm. Well, the low point was being
FORCED to sit in Psycho Weasel's lap during the Dudley DoRight
log flume under penalty of bitchslap by the teenaged fucker in
the bording area with the god complex. That asshole thought he
had power because he asked people how many folks there were in
their parties... Actually, thinking back on it, I guess he really
did have power. I still don't remember how he got me to
do it, but he did get me to sit on PW's lap like an obedient
puppy. The shame!! Stef said that she burned the picture that
she bought of us shooting down that last hill where it looked
like I was smiling a bit too much, but I'm willing to bet that
it'll show up on the net sometime in the near future just when
I'm trying to take political and military power away from Dr.
Doom or George W.
Wait a minute, that flume ride wasn't even the lowest point
of Re-Re Comic Strip Land. The giant cut out of Cathy doing the
spread eagle thing while scarfing that melting ice cream cone
was. I still have nightmares even while I'm awake.
Something went terribly
wrong with the DeLorean though, and I found myself back in the
early 60s at the site of a retro space-rocket launch. I had heard
about this incident before (Dr. Doom was left behind when the
Unfantabulous Four first blasted into space to get their dosage
of space gammady gook waves and turn all invisibly bendy and
shiznit), but I had apparently never heard the whole story...
From what I could
see from behind the blast doors and lead-laced glass in the control
center, Prof. Doom (he still hadn't gotten his doctorate at that
point) was still on the launch pad when Reed Richards pressed
the button. What alarmed me the most though, was what Doom was
wearing when this all happened.... A rugged ninja shirt that
closely resembled mine! How 'bout that, huh?
shirt, face and personality were all royally fucked up by the
rocket, and I mocked and laughed at him as they rolled him away
to the waiting ambulance. He kept trying to strangle me, but
I just kept punching him in the neck over and over whenever the
paramedics looked down to check out my ass.
I then returned
to my own time with a sense of knowledge that only illegal and
immoral time travel can provide. I now KNEW why Doom was
so adamant about getting my rugged ninja shirt from me. I reminded
him of the douchebag who had a kick-ass shirt just like the one
that he had lost due to Richard's retardation, and who continued
to heckle him over his loss and punch him in his vocal chords
until he passed out around 5 or 6 times! In fact, I WAS
that douchebag! Great scott!... This was heavy.