April 16th, 2008
"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Well, apparently semen."
— Some unlucky fuck at the cafeteria |
April 2nd, 2008
"Yeah, well Hitler liked to kill Jews, but that didn't mean that he was right."
— Me explaining to the Chief why his "Lots of people like Baccano" argument didn't hold water |
March 19th, 2008:
"I'm not black, but I'm a chick... That counts for something, right?"
— Hillary Clinton |
February 20th, 2008:
"Four scores and 70 beers ag— BLARG!!"
— Some frat guy downtown on Presidents Day |
January 16th, 2008:
"Oh no you di'nt! Aw HELL naw!"
— Will Smith in every movie he's ever been in |
January 2nd , 2008:
"Only time will tell if I am an idiot."
— the idiotic Jimmy Jammer after setting his house on fire with his car |
December 4th, 2007:
"God DAMN you, Zack! Why are you soooo fucking slow?! You fuck your monkey, don't you!"
— Karen playing Zack and Wiki on the Wii |
November 7th, 2007:
"Hey, baby, I'm cool, just like Isaac... Dy-no-MITE!"
— some drunk retard hitting on a girl on my cruise |
September 26th, 2007:
"Remember how Ah said 'No beans'? Well now Ah'm gonna make you smell why."
— the Bean-hating Tammi With an "i" to our Waitress at La Fiesta |
September 5th, 2007:
"Denny Crane."
— Denny Crane |
August 15th, 2007:
"Jackie Chan is dead to me..."
— Overheard guy walking out of Rush Hour 3 theater |
July 25th, 2007:
"19 years later'?! Are you shitting me? And no Luna?"
— Me, after finishing up Rowling's unfabulous Potter epilogue |
June 20th, 2007:
"He drank what?! I don't believe you. Here, let me taste it."
— Socrates' lesser pupil, Mongoloides |
May 23rd, 2007:
"Wait, did you say 'dissect the heart' or 'detect the heartbeat'?... Oh pooh!"
— Dr. Dave |
May 2nd, 2007:
"Execute him!"
— Jesus of Nazareth |
April 11th, 2007:
"Ross, I said, 'We'll need 12 copies of that proposal by 5PM,' I didn't say anything about any smelly monkeys..."
— My boss |
March 21st, 2007:
"Hooray! Slaves for everybody!"
— George Washington at his first inauguration |
March 7th, 2007:
"I love kittens. Literally."
— That fucking pervert Hitler |
February 14th, 2007:
"I am Anna Nicole's baby's father."
— Some guy with a megaphone on the street |
January 17th, 2007:
"I came, I saw, I came again."
— the MegaPlayboy |
January 3rd, 2007:
"Great. It's 2007... Now what the fuck?"
— Karen |
December 20th, 2006:
"I loved her enough to drive her off a bridge, dammit!"
— Senator Kennedy |
December 13th, 2006:
"I will pay you with a blowjob for your Wii."
— Somebody even more desperate than I |
November 15th, 2006:
"Just the Wii?... Oh my Christ. You mean you DON'T have $600 for the PS3?!"
The serious, and apparently RICH, Marksy |
November 1st, 2006:
"Blaaaaaaaargh.... Uuuungh.... Wheeeeeeez..."
— Me after eating all the left-over Halloween candy in one night |
October 11th, 2006:
"Gimme a steak. Medium rare."
— Gandhi |
September 20th, 2006:
"Wait, HOW many monkeys did you get?! "
— Carl |
August 30th, 2006:
"Wait, is it okay if I fed your dog 5 chocolate bars and 10 brownies?"
— Marksy |
August 9th, 2006:
"Congratulations!... Wait, it was a baby, right?"
— Overheard coworker |
July 19st, 2006:
"I always thought Kermit the Frog looked fake."
— Some genius overheard on the bus |
June 21st, 2006:
"Tell you what... You take your clothes off and I'll take your picture."
— Overheard at a party... Awesome |
May 31st, 2006:
"And we ate burgers in the dark, the day the music died!"
— Incorrect "American Pie" lyrics sung by some reject downtown last Friday |
May 10th, 2006:
"No! NOOOOO! STOP!!!"
— Me, while pinned under a bulldog statue when 7th Heaven came on the TV, remote out of reach |
April 19th, 2006:
"Before you say anything, at least listen to my lies, uh, SIDE, first."
— Some putz at the Grill to his girl |
April 5th, 2006:
"That's alright, tonight you can be Muslim."
— the generous Mehve |
March 15th, 2006:
"Aiiiieii! I'm not a leprechauMy bones!"
— the midget who Chi-Chi bear-hugged at a St. Paddy's Day party |
March 1st, 2006:
"Git yer hands off mah Skoal can or Ah'll pull what's left of yer hair, Grandma!"
— Tammi With an "I" |
February 15th, 2006:
"Mmmm! These are great fish sticks, Skipper... So anyway, where's that mermaid you said you caught?"
— Me |
February 1st, 2006:
"Vengeance is a dish best served with dog droppings."
— Carl |
January 18th, 2006:
"So how big you figure Godzilla's schlong is?"
— the deep thinking MegaPlayboy |
January 4th, 2006:
"I'm gonna need a few more drinks before this band doesn't suck anymore."
— a New Year's partying Me |
December 14th, 2005:
"Ho ho holy fuck!"
— That goddamn mall Santa who requires people to wear pants while sitting on his lap |
November 30th, 2005:
"You know how you were conceived? Doggy-style, bitch!"
— Jimmy Jammer's dad |
November 16th, 2005:
"Stanks, don't it..."
— Some chick a friend was about to go down on till the smell hit him |
November 9th, 2005:
"Check this shit out! Abracadabra!!.... Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!"
— Jesus Christ |
October 19th, 2005:
"Ow fuck! This is worse than when I killed the president!"
— Lee Harvey Oswald |
October 5th, 2005:
"I can't believe I ate the whooole thing. And his brother!"
— Tammi With an "I" |
September 28th, 2005:
"Oh shit! I think I just killed my own great-great-great-great-great grandmother!"
— Bob From the Future |
September 14th, 2005:
"Yeah, Jessica Simpson has a great ass and tits, but why do you want to fuck her?"
— Karen |
September 7th, 2005:
"Kiss my big black... errr, white ass!"
— Jimmy Jammer |
August 24th, 2005:
"Yeah?! Well your mother's a fag!"
— the Woz Jr. |
August 17th, 2005:
"Sorry, Lazlo, but I didn't see you there... I stand corrected, I saw you but chose to ignore you."
— Roland T. Flakfizer |
July 27th, 2005:
"You're ruining Birth Week!"
— Tammi With an "I" |
July 20th, 2005:
"Remember when I punched you in the face in 30 seconds?"
— Carl |
July 13th, 2005:
"Imagine getting tea-bagged by those suckers!"
— Me |
July 6th, 2005:
"Just the good old boys, always mindin' the farm..."
— Jimmy Jammer getting the Dukes' theme song all wrong |
June 22nd, 2005:
"So, wait... Was he bitten by a bat or something? Like Spider-man, or that bald, wheel-chair guy?"
— Jaime, trying to figure out superheroes |
June 15th, 2005:
"How about 'I fucked your momma!'?"
— Carl, trying to think of a catchphrase |
June 8th, 2005:
"C'mon, ladies, this thing can take ALL of you at once... And so can I."
— the MegaPlayboy |
June 1st, 2005:
"You're mother's a whore. A FAT whore who can't even make any money selling her fat cunt on the streets."
— Me to a retard fanboy |
May 25th, 2005:
"So you went to see THE MAN, huh? How was THE MAN?... Why do you have my purse?"
— Tawny |
May 18th, 2005:
"Fuck em'! Fuck em' in the ass with a big rubber dick!"
— Captain Rugged |
May 11th, 2005:
"Y'all done swell up like a ole dead pig. Hooo-wee. Couldn' hit a bear in the ass with a bass fiddle."
— Tammi With an "I" (seriously, I have no fucking clue what that means) |
May 4th, 2005:
"I'm gonna KILL dat bitch!"
— the nice man at the bar who bought a round for everyone, then left angrilly with a .45 in his hand |
April 27th, 2005:
"Oh man, have you ever killed a puppy with your bare hands?... Uh, me neither. "
— Carl |
April 20th, 2005:
"Yeah, so it turned out my date was a guy. Wait, I didn't mean..."
— Jimmy Jammer |
April 13th, 2005:
"No, sir, just chicken blood. 'Bout 6 gallons worth."
— the Wolfman, explaining the contents of his trunk to a cop |
April 6th, 2005:
"Sir, you're only allowed one free sample! I could get fired over this!"
— the teenage punk outside the Orange Julius |
March 30th, 2005:
"Let's get the fuck out of here!"
— Abraham Lincoln |
March 23rd, 2005:
"See, my god looooooves porn."
— the MegaPlayboy |