My Response to Mongo:
Do me a favor. Look down at your own hands right now. Whatever that jizz is, that's what Shinji had on his hand too. Only difference was he was looking at a real naked girl and you still have to think about the time you walked in on your sister in the shower in order to get your rocks off.

-the Rossman
(P.S. I am both curious and extremely frightened at the same time here. Did you really think that it would have been okay for Shinji to rape Asuka while she was in a coma? Shit dude! Just go fuck your hand while thinking about your dad again, and never ever watch any more anime. That or kill yourself)

My Response (I know, I shouldn't have even attempted contact with him. But I was very interested in seeing what made him tick):
Hey there, Champ.

First of all, WHOA! What a mouth you have there. Do you kiss your mother with it? Hmmmm, considering that you sound like a sexually-pent up "Norman Bates-ian" type o' guy who more than likely killed his mommy when she refused to have sex with him, I'm gunna have to say no.

Anyway, your views are welcome here at therossman.com, and just to let you know I'm going to post this on my Mail Page in the future so that you can see that other views (even those that are as shit-eatingly retarded as yours) are not discriminated against. Which is really unusual because my site is not a forum or an open debate. Go fig.

Sooooo, what you seem to be pissing your pants over is the fact that I don't think America or non-disfunctional families are "uncool". Riiiiiiiight. Something tells me that you're the kind of pussy who didn't get elected to the student council in the 5th grade and then got bitchslapped by your drunken daddy when you got home that night for even running for the gay position in the first place. So now you have a problem with things that function correctly (well, as correctly as they possibly can).

Yeah, I love my country more than most people. And not for the moronic reasons that most people give (or can't give). In fact, I have an entire article up about why I love the Stars and Stripes as much as I do. And I give lovely arguments to support my beliefs. If you want to take me up on any of them, fine. Argue away. If not, suck my dick. I honestly don't care what you think.

Now, you might be saying, "Well then, Mr. Faggy Gaywad, then why did you write back if you don't care?!?! Ass!!!!" I would have to respond to that with, "Because, Cuntweed, I am very interested in how lemmings like you think and actually function in society." My guess is that you currently and will work in a run-down music store that only sells Rage Against the Machine and U2 for the rest of your shameful life. You look up to Jack Black in High Fidelity as if he were a god (which he is, but that movie sucked). You read anarchy.com more than you do pornography, and you whack off to pictures of butch lesbians in the hopes of convincing yourself that you are not a fag.

Sure. Fine. I actually respect the fact that you think differently than me. But I laugh my ass off when I see that you still can't think for yourself. Yeah, I think that Seanbaby is cool too, but let's be honest, nobody will ever see him as "cool" as he sees himself.

Now here's an offer I make to a lot of people who visit my site and hate America as much as you seem to. I will personally buy a one-way ticket for you to go to any of the following countries in the world: China, India, Iraq, Israel, Russia, Somalia, South Africa, Ethiopia, or Colombia. Once you get there you can do whatever you like. Say for example, get stoned for being white, killed for being a dick and speaking your mind, put in jail for looking like a goth Elton John (you know you do), or stabbed and dropped in a dumpster to think things over for a little while before the local youths steal all your clothes and shoes. Yeah, that was a trifle melodramatic, but you get my point. And I will (swear to God) buy you a ticket if you want me to. I'd love to write an article about how I sent a punk ass bitch to his personal golden land only to have him get arrested and drawn and quartered within 15 minutes of his arrival.

-the Rossman
P.S. I wouldn't tell people who you are trying to insult that you're only 17. That makes you look like an even bigger pussy than Oprah's 10 inch gash.

Me:
Holy shit. Did you just type "LOL"?

-the Rossman

The Pimping Message:
Dear The Rossman,

Hello. My name is R**** and I'm contacting you on behalf of MANGA ENTERTAINMENT (www.********.com) about our ongoing EVANGELION: DEATH AND REBIRTH Contests, which we are currently running in two parts: one open only to international webmasters, and one open to all US and Canadian citizens over 18.

The webmaster contest is online at... http://www.*************.com ...and is pretty self-explanatory: just submit your name, e-mail, site and URL, then add the banner to your site. We will track hits received from all participating sites, and whoever refers the most traffic each week (through June 29th) will win...

>MANGA's Top Ten DVD Titles A MANGA Prize Package The EVANGELION: DEATH AND REBIRTH DVD

And while it's not required, you might also want to inform therossman.com users about MANGA's EVANGELION: DEATH AND REBIRTH Contest, open to all US and Canadian citizens over 18... http://www.****************.com/*****.html ...in which they can enter to win one of 18 prize packages.

Thank you, and please let me know if you will be participating!

-r**** ***********
manga entertainment

My Response to the re-re Company:
wow. That's so kind of you to actually allow me to advertise for you for free in the hopes that I may have a slight possibility of a chance to get something back in return.... That "something" being 10 shitty DVDs that your company digitally shat out over the years.

You know what? Instead of wasting time trying to get webmasters to wipe your ass for you, why don't you put some energy into getting out some quality products that don't have fucked up audio or video components or just plain suck? Huh? Sound like a plan?

-the Rossman

His Response to Mine (which ultimately almost makes me change my mind about his company):

will do.
thank you!

-r****

The Message:
Dear "the Rossman":

I am writing to you in regard to your article about "retarded 1980s television programs (editor's link to the webpage in question)." My name is Kim Fields and I played the character known as "Tootie" on the show The Facts of Life.

I just wanted to tell you that I thought that your very hateful and spiteful words are completely mean spirited and not funny in the least. Mindy Cohn, who played the character of Natalie Green, is a very good friend of mine. Your attacks about her weight are malevolent and, as you have put it, retarded. Mindy has been trying to get thin her whole life. To make fun of her condition for being different is beneath even an 8 year old who likes to pull the wings off of tortured flies.

I hope that you are not as evil a man/boy as you appear to be. That would be torture on your parents.

Kim Fields (editor's note: she played the part of Tootie on The Facts of Life)

My Response to Tootie:
TOOTIE!!!! Whoo-hoo! I met Tootie!! Holy crap! This is awesome! I mean, damn! You're Tootie!! I so wanted to fuck you when I was 11 years old! You were definitely the best Facts of Life girl! Even better than George Clooney!!

Hey, you know what? If you and Jo and Blair ever want to get some four-way action going on, just give me a call! Hell, even if it's just you that'd be fine by me! Just don't invite that fatty Natalie. She'd break my fucking bed! God I hate her fat ass! If you ever go out to lunch with her (which would probably turn into dinner too), punch her for me and tell her "it was from the Rossman." Thanks!

Sincerely,
-the Rossman

My Response:
There are so many things that are wrong with your letter, and grammar and spelling are the least of your worries.

First of all, in case you didn't notice, my site is not a porn site. Second of all, if I did have a private stash of electronic pornography why would I share it with your sorry Mormon ass?

I mean, it's not as if pornography is the hardest thing in the world to find on the net. All you have to do is go to google.com and type in "Disney" or "Barney the dinosaur" and you'll get a list of sites that cater to your every perverted need. Why solicit a so called comedy site for whack-off material?

Now the real problem that I see here is that you live in Utah and there is not a naked girl (hot or not) around for hundreds of miles. Women there shower fully dressed and put on clean clothes before they take off their dirty ones. They're that afraid of hurting their god's feelings by letting him see a little "follower titty."

My advice to you is to first look up some good porn on your daddy's computer. Then pack up your conservative clothes without plastic buttons and move to L.A. where you can become a super-porn-star superhero ala Orgasmo. Let him be your idol. Nickname yourself "The Load Blower" and start blowing your load all up and over Tera Patrick and Kobe Tai. Then write me when you're having fun banging 6 girls at a time and I'll take your leftovers.

Sincerely,
-the Rossman

The (name deleted) Motor Company's response:
Dear Appreciated Customer,
We understand your frustration over some minor problems you may have encountered while driving our company's fine automobile. If you experience any more issues or have any more silly questions, please feel free to contact our customer service line at 1-555-382-5968. That's 1-KLJ-FUC-KYOU. We will immediately put you on hold and proceed to charge your credit card, that we have on file, for wasting our time and valuable gay sex sessions with your whiney and annoying "problems". Well, guess what, tires blow up every day in this country, Mr. "I Don't Wanna Die" faggy fag! I personally have even had my engine shoot out of the hood of my car on at least two occasions. Do you think that you are holier than thou? "Oh no! I want a refund because my mother died when my brakes gave out and the fan belt came loose and strangled her to death as we plunged over a cliff into the jagged rocks in the surf below!!" QUIT YOUR BITCHIN'!!!!! I lost six family members in the past two years alone because of (company's name deleted) car minor mishaps and small malfunctions. Just enjoy it while you are still alive... Baby.

Sincerely,
the (deleted) Motor Company
the auto manufacturer that cares

Their response to my response to theirs:
Dear goat fucker,
O.J. has just carved up the entire customer service department with a ginsu knife and I no longer have a throat. I will be dying shortly, but I wanted you to know that we here at the (deleted) Motor Company have no regrets about the premium customer service that you have received and the quality parts that we forgot to install on your vehicle.......
Just kidding ^_^!! Ha ha! O.J. missed me as I hid under my desk during the great culling. I survived and now live to torment you until the end of time!!! Bwa ha ha ha ha!!! I just broke into our files too and fished out your Master Card. I have already bought $4,523 worth of crap on E-Bay and will order another large pizza this afternoon on it. So why don't you suck on my obese and cellulite-filled tits, cause I am immortal!!!!

Sincerely,
the (deleted) Motor Company
the auto manufacturer that cares

My Response to Mr. Flay:
Dude, you're gay. Accept it. I can set you up with this 'mo bodybuilder freak that goes to my gym if you want. I think he's into chains and shit if you're game.

As for the Iron Chef shows that you've been on, they prove your retardation to me and to the world. I just wanted to know if you were born with Down Syndrome or if it was the effect of some industrial accident. You know, like President Bush. I have money on the latter. I figure, it's just impossible for a human to be as mentally fucked up as you are naturally. Corky from that show where he played a tard wasn't even that screwed.

Oh yeah, you suck as a chef too (Crab tacos??? What the fuck were you thinking?).

S3:
This is Shawn's mother. Please stop E-mailing and antagonizing my son! You sick sick man!!!

P.S. Attached is a picture of me and below you'll find my daytime telephone number.

(Pixelated so that S3's Mom can still show her face at the office without too much shame)