OPERATION: DOWNFALL (The Invasion of Japan for Otaku Purposes [aka ODTIJOP])


Day 5: Saturday, October 15th, 2011

We got up pretty early the next morning in order to meet our Dynamic Tokyo Tour group at 8AM in the lobby of the Pu-rince-u Hoteru. It was all grey and drizzly outside, but we didn't let that dampen our spirits. Our (much larger than the previous day) group then got driven around in another bus to the same hotels that we picked up other tourists on Friday, but this time we got delayed at a fancy-schmancy hotel two stops down when a large number of fellow vacationists couldn't be found.

Tokyo Tower PowerMehve and I sat on the bus and (against our wills) listened to two Australian morons in suits discuss their problems with beef and pork in the Island Nation (don't ask... You don't want to know), and how one of their credit cards was so bad-assedly awesome (bad assomely?) because he got cash back from most of every one of his purchases! Holy SHIT! I know! So much cash back in fact that if he spent one million dollars on the card he'd get TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS BACK! How pants-gizzingly cool is that, mate? Mehve wanted to point out that he would in fact have to spend one million dollars to actually get that "free" ten thousand dollars back, but I just shook my head "no." Nobody would win if we got involved in that conversation. That one or the one that followed where that Aussie then assured his buddy that stocks and bonds were bunk, and that he just invested his healthy capital in "purchasing things" like TVs, iPods, and other luxuries that would be sure to cover his retirement costs better than any Wall Street venture. "You can actually SELL an iPod or a TV for real money, mate," is how I remember his argument went. Brilliant.

Soon the lost Indian tourists ("dot" not "feathers") were located and the bus continued to the same bus terminal we went to the previous day (the Hamamatsucho Bus Terminal/Sunrise Tour Desk, if you must know). It was around 9AM when we arrived, and there we met our Tokyo Tour guide (he was a chatty Cathy), got hustled onto our new bus, and were quickly shuttled over to the Tokyo Tower for the first stop in our outing. Now, don't get me wrong, Tokyo Tower is big — it's almost 30 feet taller than the Eiffel Tower because the Japanese know how to rip things off and make them just a little bit better — but on that rainy, dreary day, it just didn't look all that impressive.

Haunted Tower!

Yeah, it turns out that Tokyo Tower is haunted as all hell! Who knew? It didn't take Mehve and I long to figure out why though...


Tokyo Tower's grave problem

Tokyo Tower is absolutely SURROUNDED by tons and tons of cemeteries FILLED with the smashed, crushed, flattened, melted, and electrocuted bodies of those who died during its construction and then resulting Godzilla attacks. May Kami-sama have mercy on their tiny little souls.


Everybody (me included) of course started taking shitloads of photos of the thing as we pulled up into the parking lot at right at its base, and then a crap-ton more as we got out of the bus and stepped into the cold drizzle, and then even more as we stood underneath the structure and looked up its skirt, but that was mostly because "we were there." Tokyo Tower just seems so out of place, and it's already obsolete what with the Tokyo Sky Tree almost completed just a few miles away (The Sky Tree being almost twice as tall as Tokyo Tower in order to become the broadcast structure and fictionalized destroyed landmark of the future). Tokyo Tower is more a relic of the past that's really only good for making your non-globetrotting relatives ask why you're showing them pictures of Paris when they thought you went to China, or Japan, or wherever. But whatever. We were there (and the Sky Tree wasn't open for tourist bucks yet), so up we went in it, up to it's first observation deck.

Being acrophobic this was pretty damn high for me. And on top of that fear I was terrified that Mothra, Kain, or those freaks from X:1999 would show up and melt the steel structure to slag again while I was stuck up there. It was Saturday after all. What surprised me the most about the Tower though was the fact that Majin Buu apparently endorses the place. He in fact loves the shit out of Tokyo Tower! And apparently so do Hello Kitty, Monkey D Luffy, and Detective Conan. They shill crappy little souvenirs with those characters' faces on them like crazy at the 47 gift shops located inside the place.

Tokyo Tower, the attack begins NOW

9:45AM, with repeats at 1:55PM, 3:20PM, and an "adults only" tentacle demon show at 10PM every day (closed on Kurisumasu and the Obon Festival).


View from the Tower

Okay, the view from just the lowest observation deck was still pretty cool... Though now I really want to go up to the tippy top of the Tokyo Sky Tree and shit my pants in yellowbellied fear! That thing's taller than the goddamn Sears Tower.


Anyway, Mehve and I took our time taking boring regular pictures (all that Mehve wanted), and AWESOME, superly COOL and RAD pictures of me all around the observation deck (and I did my best to photo-bomb as many Japanese teenage girls' pictures as I possibly could), but just as we were really starting to have fun and enjoy the site and the sights we were rounded up by our tour guide/translator (I think his name was Takeshi-san or something), told that we were on a tight schedule and we had to keep moving to our next stop or we'd be forced to skip certain parts of our paid tour (that's called foreshadowing, my friends). So we hustled down to the bus and waved goodbye to Tokyo Tower. After climbing up it and walking all around it (and after seeing how much Majin Buu loved the hell out of the landmark) I did grow partial to the bright orange and white copy of the Eiffel Tower. I was sad to leave it (in one piece). I vowed to blow it up with my Light Hawk Wings or my celestial sword if ever I came back.


Majin Buu LOVES Tokyo Tower. I never would have guessed.


Back on the bus, we had about a half an hour drive filled with the 50-something year-old Takeshi-san talking our ears off about nothing but inconsequential stuff. But in a good way! It was interesting to hear the parts about life in Tokyo, but he just kept changing gears and never got to the end of a full story (or even just a full point). Here's an example of about 45 seconds of his monologue to all us captive tourists on the way to our next stop, a Japanese tea ceremony: "So I have four children. Three of them are boys and one is a girl. My wife started smoking six years ago. Only six years ago, and I ask her why? Why does she start smoking? It is bad for you, and there is no good from any smoking. She does not answer. My children do not smoke. I have a black belt in judo! It is true. If anybody would like a demonstration, you can ask it of me and I will show you. I will not hurt you, do not fear. My children eat so much better foods than I did when I was their age. This is in thanks to the Western world for producing more vegetables and fruits and healthier foods that we can purchase and eat. Two of my sons are over 6-feet tall! This is really tall for Japanese! My daughter is a slut..."


If Mrs. Takeshi ever dies in a horrible, horrible gas leak explosion "accident," tell the Tokyo cops to look me up. I had my iPhone voice recorder on...


I tried to get him to tell us more about his daughter, but we arrived at the place we were to be educated upon the sacred, ancient, and tasty Japanese tea ceremony. If memory serves me, it was at a place called The Japanese Garden of (at?) Happo-En. This garden/restaurant/wedding hall was quite impressive and beautiful, especially considering it was pretty much smack-dab in the middle of downtown Tokyo. They split our tour into two groups, and while Group A took part in an official tea ceremony in a rinky-dink building used solely for gaijin, off to the side of the gorgeous garden and enormous koi pond (and far removed from the main modern and fancy big building), the rest of us in Group B were allowed to wander the premises and take pictures. This is when I realized that although I am a gaijin by birth, I am NOT one of those "ultra, assholic, douchebag, unthinking, destructive, dickless gaijin" of which legends warn Japan to beware of. Unfortunately, what made me see the difference was the rest of my tour group. They were assholes of the highest magnitude... And I honestly think they didn't even know it. In my opinion that makes any kind of super dickery even worse.

Okay, so as Mehve and I were walking around the huge koi pond, taking pictures of all the incredible scenery, we noticed that there's this one Indian guy standing alone at the edge of the pond-side pagoda, and he's repeatedly SMACKING the water with a guest umbrella that the Happo-En gave us all before we left the main lobby for the garden! We were kind of all left alone at this point (most of the staff of the place were running around trying to make everything work out perfectly for the something like 12 weddings going on that day), and even if some of the Japanese staff were present I'm sure that they would have been too polite to tell this guy to stop being such a prick. As Mehve and I continued to watch him I then began to understand just what he was in fact doing: he was pounding the pond over and over to either attract and/or kill the giant old koi that were starting to swarm near him! That's when I sprinted around the pond to him and yelled "Hey, asshole! What the goddamn fuck are you doing?! Leave the priceless fishies alone, cockbreath!"

He stopped his umbrella pounding as I approached the gazebo, stood up and turned around with a look of a child who'd been caught giving his dog a Red Rocket (and knowing full well what he was stroking), and just stared at me for about 5 seconds before the fat fuck started smacking the umbrella into the water again, as if he were DARING me to do something more. Mehve got to me and did his best to restrain me before I could take more than two steps (with my hands up in 1930s-boxer style) towards an Indian beat-down (which made the dickless fish-hater look like he just filled his britches), and within seconds Takeshi-san came over to tell us that it was Group B's turn for the tea, thusly defusing the situation before I could go all Nagasaki on the jerkoff.

Fish hater

I typically don't outright hate people based on first impressions, but let's just say I HATE this faggot... Okay, that's not true, I typically DO outright hate people based on first impressions.


As Group B crammed themselves into the small gaijin shack for our tea ceremony instruction (given by a very dignified-looking older woman in a pristine kimono), Mr. Indian Jerkoff just stood outside the small door as if debating whether he wanted to be in the same room as me or not. I looked at him with my Crazy Gaijin Stare™, and he actually turned around and walked away. Takeshi-san even ran out into the drizzling weather without an umbrella to try and convince him to join us, but every time Mr. Indian Dickweed turned to look inside the open door I'd stare him down. He turned tail and actually jogged away. It was awesome.

PiggieThe tea ceremony was cool (well, maybe not "cool" per se, but at least very interesting), but my GOD were my fellow Group B-tards fucking dumb! Every single one of them (except for Mehve and I) had his or her camera out and were walking up and taking flash photos of the tea mistress 6 inches away from her face. Constantly. Seriously, while she was doing all those fancy and precise motions they would get up front their seats, walk over to her performing her traditional ceremonial duties, shove the camera in her fucking face, or down at her hands making the tea, and FLASH went their bulbs. It was like they thought she was a non-living thing, like one of Disney World's Hall of Presidents automatons whose eyes did not sear from the light. They just didn't seem to give a shit, but the lady in the kimono herself totally ignored it all. I could NEVER do that job (even if I was born a demure Japanese woman). I'd have been fired on day one while asking "What? I wasn't allowed to pour scorching tea down their pants and throats? And what about the bamboo shoots I jammed under their fingernails? That was a no-no too? Should I not have done that?" Oh, and three of our group kept asking the stupidest questions you've ever heard to insult a foreign country while experiencing one of their ancient and treasured ritual customs. "Do you people really drink this tea?" "Wait, do WE have to drink this tea?" "Do you have any sushi to eat with this tea?" "How much longer does this go on for?" Etc., etc.... God fuck 'em all.

I didn't have to ask any questions myself, since I was a tea ceremony master after reading all about it in Ranma 1/2. Though I was dying to know if karate monkeys were actually allowed to study the art in the real world. I just let that question go. It was probably an obvious "Yes, of course, Baka-gaijin-san" answer (with eyes rolled in response), and I didn't want to embarrass myself. Again.

Tea lady

I really, truly have no idea how this woman was able to do her job with all those douchebag gaijin doing all that crap and asking her all those awful questions every day, and without ever flipping out or even giving the worst offender a dark look. I wonder if she gets her vengeance by slipping in some laxatives into the tea of the dumbassiest of any group, or just outright poisoning people...


Anyway, the tea mistress served us all some sweets to go with our pretty tasty tea, and we ate every morsel and downed every last drop. We were then ushered out of the gaijin tea shack after bowing our gratitude and good-byes (well, that one Aussie refused to bow because "I'm not her slave, mate"), and we walked out into the rainy weather again as Takeshi-san tried to herd us back to our bus, past all the weddings and bride photo-shoots going on... THIS is probably what pissed me off the most about our tour group: as we were walking past the (pretty hot) brides in their Western-style wedding dresses getting professionally photographed either in the garden or inside the main fancy Happo-En complex, some of the mongoloid gaijin (mostly the women) started stepping in front of the paid photographers and began taking flash pictures of the brides less than 5 feet away... Honestly! Imagine if some Japanese tourist did this to YOU at YOUR $20,000 wedding, assholes! I was appalled and way too embarrassed for words, and the natives caught in the middle of the stupidity had no idea what was going on, or if these gaijin rejects were really that incredibly mind-numbingly goddamn retarded. After spending the rest of the day with the gaijin dipfucks in question I can unabashedly answer yes, they are that ridiculously stupid. Oh man! In hindsight I really should have gotten pictures of the assholes taking pictures of the brides... Maybe next time.


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