Back to the Past Through the Future

Page 3 out of 4

The rest of the cruise was alright. We had The Coasters (known for such great oldies as Poison Ivy, Charlie Brown, Yakety Yak, and Searchin') perform one night, which was pretty cool seeing as I was pretty much raised on their Greatest Hits on my parents' 8Track, and I could sing along with every song. They even had some guy in the front row come up on stage and sing the refrain to Sixteen Tons with the guy in the band who did the voice of Charlie Brown!... That SHOULD have been me, but I had to settle for an after-show backstage threesome with good ole Charlie Brown and another fan. (Don't worry, the other fan was a girl, but she had a deeper bass voice than both Charlie and me when she got excited! We had those blue whales following us for miles after that!)

There was also a pretty good magician on another evening, and the second to last night brought with it a pool-side ice-carving contest, luau, and dance off! I was ready for the dance off after 4 Dos Equis, and I really let it all out! I would have taken a picture of myself, but I was way too into the groove and way too into posing for the official ship camera that was recording the whole cruise. My new friends from dinner that night told me I was awesome on the dance floor, but I knew it. You don't get those kinds of cheers and that kind of applause for just stripping down to your banana hammock and shaking it like a British nanny... Well, you do, but I think it was my dancing too.

And during the final night's festivities the Cruise Director (who I think was banging my Raquel behind his wife's back.. WHORE!) played about 5 random minutes of the final movie that they edited together for the cruise video memory DVD. I was front and center for about 30 full seconds, bumping and grinding like an awesome man. If I had $60 to blow on something like that DVD I surely would have had a glorious keepsake, but really now, $60 bought a LOT of cheap island women and rum. I know I made the right decision.


And on the FINAL night The Macho Men made an unscheduled appearance in the Main Centrum of the ship. Yes, it was 70s ghey. Yes, it was wild, strange, and insane. And yes, it was truly awesome. And in the chaos that ensued after the initial shock (and YMCA) wore off that there was that much ghey packed into one tiny space on one small cruise ship in one small sea on the entire planet, I ran down the stairs and started boogieing and gyrating with my gorgeous Raquel (who I forgave for being such a whore with the Cruise Director after she agreed to be a whore with me). Raquel was the one in the bright pink wig. I finally got to her after getting through the Biker, then the Sailor, then the Construction Worker, and then the Cowboy (TWICE!). It was so worth it.



After the Macho Men took over the main Centrum, I was able to make it back to the Cowboy and convince him to get the whole bare-ass chaps gang to help me break into the main bridge. My plan worked like a charm! The Macho Men kept singing and dancing as the Captain's tarts opened the barricaded doors (barricaded from my previous attempts to get on the secure wheelhouse and take this thing to a beach in France that I heard about in a song long ago where the naked ladies dance), and we all filed in doing a cha-cha line. The above shot was of me and the ladies beboppin' and jazz dancing our way to the Guinness Book of Kick-Ass!

Because of some lessons learned before, I greased myself up from head to toe with bacon lard so that when the men with the funny accents and handcuffs show up — they always do — I could get away scott free... Just a little slimier than normal. I'll kidnap a cruise line and make it to Fiji someday, Lister, someday...



Over the course of our 5 days at sea Mehve and I met a shit-ton (a nautical term) of fun people. The cool couple from Texas (the husband of which reminded me of Tom Skerritt), Charlene from Philly, and Craig and his gorgeous wife from South Carolina (as seen above) were probably the most awesomest though. Honestly, this picture of Craig's wife does not even do her justice. She's a Georgian-born (Eastern European Georgia), hilarious, and saucy woman who knows how to make apple pie from scratch.... I have so got to go to the Eastern Block someday. I just... Holy fuck I'm booking a trip right now.



After the 70s Disco Dance in the center of the ship, Mehve and I went up to the top deck for some fresh air... and were promptly almost blown overboard (I should send flowers to that lady who accidentally got in my way and saved me from falling into the sea... what was the name of the funeral home her husband told me again?).

The wind was so bad that we couldn't hear each other talk from 2 feet away, but the storm that we could see off the portside of the ship kept our attention for about an hour anyway, despite not being able to appreciate the rolling thunder.


This was one of the most intense storms I'd ever seen; there were flashes of lightning every 10 to 20 seconds almost the entire show, and we sat and watched it for at least a full sixty minutes on the top deck before our ear drums were pretty much blown the fuck out due to the 40 knot winds pummeling us like crazy.

Mehve was able to get the following video footage of the impressive light show from the porthole in our room. Since we couldn't hear the thunder from there (hell, even on deck all we could hear was the WOOOOOSHING of the unrelenting and murderous winds) I took it upon myself to dub in what the Thunder God was actually saying (like the astronauts watching the rockets all explode in the film they're forced to watch in the meeting room in Wings of Honneamise). I'm sure I did Zeus proud.


We reached the Ft. Lauderdale port early on Thursday morning, said goodbye to our friends (the Texas couple, Craig and his hot wife, and a few others we bumped into on the way off the ship [and luckily NOT Krystin... I already knew how many square feet the main dining room was and I knew I'd have nothing to talk to her about if I did run into her]), and then Mehve and I hit the road for Part 2 of our vacation: Orlando!

Harry Potter?!?!?

Since Mehve knows people in every goddamn city on the planet he had no problem calling up his friend Stan and getting his pal to let us crash at his place that night. Not only were Stan and his roommate Kenny really cool (and in possession of some of the most incredible computer tech you've ever seen — like monitors set up for full 180-degree gaming, processors that would travel back in time if fully booted up, and 3D goggles that worked on any game they had in their library), but the best part was that Stan himself worked at Universal Studios. This meant GOLD FUCKING PASS to the entire park!

If you're not whacking off right now over just how sweet that is, then you don't know the pure power of the Gold Pass. Not only did it let all four of us (Mehve, Stan, Kenny, and myself) into both Universal Studios and Universal Islands of Adventure, but it let us jump to the front of every ride and attraction in the entire place. At one point I asked Stan if there was anything that the Gold Pass couldn't do and he handed it to me and gestured to a young couple with a baby carriage taking a break on a park bench. I walked up to them and PUNCHED the baby in its little face. When the kid started crying the mother rushed at me and I belted her one reflexively out of fear (women charging me like that tend to go for the man grapes). When the husband started to run at me I just held up the plastic ticket in my hand and he stopped and said, "Oh, oh shit... I, uh, I didn't see your Gold Pass. Would you like to slug my baby again?" His wife was all like "Ow... Sorry I hurt your fist. I totally had that coming. Would you like to punch my tit, or maybe anally rape me?" I declined and walked back to Stan with awe in my face and handed him back the Gold Pass. He just nodded knowingly.


Potter 2

Yeah, the Potter part of the park that they were in the process of putting together looked fairly impressive, but it almost KILLED me. I'm sirius. We had all just gotten on the Dueling Dragons roller coaster (which will be turned into a "dragon challenge" theme when it's magically morphed into the Wizarding World sometime in the near future), and we were just starting to get whipped and flung around like gibbons in a cement mixer when I noticed that I could get a PERFECT view of all the construction on the new Hogwarts Castle if I just sat slightly forward and craned my neck as faaaaar around my safety harness and to the left as I could... And then the goddamn ride ripped right into a corkscrew turn and I got royally screwed. I thought my head had been torn off of my goddamn neck it hurt so bad. Fuck YOU, Harry Potter! You almost Avada Kedavra'd me, but I survived! I shall now forever be known as "the manchild who LIVED!"



While I was back in town and near the Latverian embassy I figured I should stop by and see if my old employer, Dr. Doom, was anywhere around. He was not, but I found plenty of lumber and blue paint in a storage shed, so I thought I'd leave him a nice, tasteful, and artistic present in the form of a giant statue in the middle of his prize-winning shrubbery. Then I peed on the bushes, set the embassy on fire, and ran away yelling "Whoo-hoo, whooooo-hooo! Whooo-Hoooo!" like Daffy Duck with his cock stuck up Porky's ass.



All in all it was a pretty damn good day. We hit every ride in both theme parks, and I even acted in Christopher Walken's newest movie (I played a mad scientist who got crushed by debris in his own crumbling lab). The Simpsons Ride was one of the funniest ride-shows I've ever seen. We actually got back in line (after breezing through with the Gold Pass) in order to watch the 40+ minutes of new animation they had playing on TVs throughout the winding aisles leading up to the entrance.

In Universal Studios we hit The Mummy roller-ride, the Men in Black shoot-em-up ride (where I double fisted my way through the shooting gallery with TWO noisy crickets), and the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit Rollercoaster (where you get to choose what music you listen to as you get cranked around the smooth tracks... I got on late and only had time to get to my selection screen on the monitor in my lap, so it automatically chose some really shitty Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus audio turd for me... Thanks, rollercoaster assholes), and then in Islands of Adventure we hit all the coasters, the Spider-Man ride, Jurassic Park, and some hot chick (who claimed she wasn't a "ride," but hot damn was she ever!).

After all that (which only took us to about 2:30 that afternoon) we caught a quick lunch at some bar that had giant, full pound burgers and the greasiest rings I'd ever seen, and after that Mehve and I waved goodbye to my two new best friends and we hit the open road again.


Because we mostly listened to Jimmy Norton comedy and anime soundtracks on the way down to Florida, unfortunately for Mehve he did not know that when my iPod is set to my giant CLASSIC ROCK playlist that I simply HAVE TO sing along with every track. Every goddamn track. Some I have to repeat as soon as they're done too. Some I have to act out (like all of Prince's hand gestures, Michael Jackson's crotch grabbing, or simply some of Axl's fancy footwork [to which Mehve was pretty quick to grab the wheel at 70 mph as I opened up my moon-roof and boogied on top of my car seat]).

Sweet Child o Mine

I tried some audience participation tracks — as you can see above — but I think Mehve must have been eaten by a crocobear or something somewhere near Macon. Unfortunately I did not notice for a few hundred miles seeing as I had a huge lineup of Queen going on at the time. Strangely the cops said the door must have been opened from the inside. I had no frickin IDEA that crocobears were so wily and dangerous!


So, like you already know, after every trip I take I like to watch a movie either set in the city I was just in, or with a plot pertaining to the experience I just partook of. Well, since I had already gone no a cruise and then watched Titanic (and wasn't about to watch Speed 2: Cruise Control unless Sandra Bullock paid me with hot sex or threatened to shoot me in the skull... or both), and since I'd already recently seen all the (good) Mummy movies, and all the Potter and Marvel superhero movies I own, I decided to listen to Stan and give Evangelion 1.11: You Are (Not) Alone another chance. He burned me a fansubbed, high-def, Blu-Ray-ripped version of the movie, and I popped that bad boy into my PS3 the minute I got home!


Then I popped it out, shat on it, and set it on fire with a picture of Writer/Director Hideaki Anno in effigy. Way to piss off your die-hard fans, Anno... Give them the same exact shit that they'd seen 15 years before, ONLY WEIRDER.

Seriously, if you've never seen Shin Seiki Evangelion before, do not make this movie your first taste of its animated universe. You will hang yourself. After you hunt down and kill a few anime fanboys for ever recommending it to you in the first place.

Anyway, part two of my uber-vacation-weeks was done, but PART 3 was still to come... the following weekend. And it was glorious!