Back to the Past Through the Future

Page 2 out of.... God if I know......


Yeah, towel animals are mainly just for kids to play with and pretend that they're real stuffed animals (that their parents won't buy them because they don't really love them), but they went awesomely overboard on the towel-art on this cruise. They even had the towel monkey that they made for us me dangling from a hangar in the middle of the room to welcome us back... Which may have been a better idea if Mehve and I didn't stumble in drunk that night at around 2AM and think that some flying simians had infiltrated our hovel and started throwing their feces around as a scare tactic (turns out that was just me). They should put a warning on the door!... Which may have helped if I could read when I'm three sheets to the wind.



After I completely gave up on Krystin's hot ass I began to focus my attention solely on Raquel, one of the Cruise Director's staff (who so totally deserved that job so much more than that hack who didn't have a saucy Brazilian accent and a tight body that could twist off a beer cap with its buttocks). Raquel was so into me, and even when I didn't win any of the trivia games or karaoke contests she was in charge of she still let me rub up against her. By "let me" I mean she didn't call security. By "didn't call security" I mean she didn't judo flip me and stomp on my baby batter factory until the men with the handcuffs arrived. By that I mean..... Well, best action I've gotten on a cruise ship so far!


Mex 1

Our next port of call was Cozumel, Mexico. Since Mehve had already done his scuba diving (and also got to cross off getting resuscitated by a large woman from North Dakota with a pimply tongue), we decided to team up for the Off-Road Jeep and Snorkeling excursion... Well, calling them "Jeeps" was kind of like calling Vern Troyer's midget dong "man-sized." Yeah, he IS a man (by slight definition), and his package is a "size," but really now. Those "Jeeps" were just golf carts painted camou with the JEEP insignia stamped on the front.

Oh, and here's me and a Mayan sanctuary/house/temple/shitter.... Really, I wasn't paying attention in the least to what our tour guide was saying. I was just happy as hell he didn't keep yelling at us to "PAY ATTENTION! PAY ATTENTION!!!!" though he wouldn't shut the hell up about that new disaster pr0n movie coming out soon: 2012. Not because he thought that the end of the Mayan cycle calendar would really bring about the end of the Earth, he just likes all the movies made by those ID4 guys. He even liked their American "Godzilla." Yeah. That's why I stopped listening to whatever the fuck he was saying.


Jeep me

I have to say (and it's not just for the quote), the goggles did fucking NOTHING. I was getting sand shot into my eyes from every goddamn direction even with those things on. I even got my teeth sand-blasted 2 shades whiter by the shit our guide's "Jeep" was kicking up into our faces. And that was with us doing a top speed of ½MPH! Don't let the blurriness of the background fool you. Mehve set the exposure on this shot to 30 seconds.


The Tower of Power

After checking out the tiny Mayan house thing, and then stopping at a dock to see some saltwater crocodiles that our tour guide promised us that we'd see (but that we didn't, because he's a filthy fucking LIAR!), we stopped by this 800 foot tall lighthouse on the tip of Cozumel. It was really high up, and the stairs were truly only meant for people with size 4 feet. Women's size 4. Midget women's size 4. So Mehve was fine, but I kept on tripping, stumbling, falling, grabbing the chests of the women around me for stability... Mexico is dangerous! But at least I did get 3 room invitations thanks to that Tower of Power's twisty stairs... Two from women.



We were very, very high up. I think I held this pose for maybe half a second before freaking out too much and plastering my posterior to the window pane of the light itself. I'd like to think I handled myself better than when I was in Hawaii and climbed up the cramped and claustrophobic stairs to the top of the fort at Diamond Head where little Japanese schoolgirls kept pointing at me and saying "Kowai!" or "Kawai!"... Either one is embarrassing. Maybe they were even saying both. Fuck those cunts.



We soon made it to a private beach that was home to some protected reef off of Cozumel. Not that this coral reef was anything compared to anything off of Australia, but it was still colorful and housed plenty of tropical fish... And now a one-of-a-kind brown fish donated by some guy who was too busy to climb out of the water and hit the W.C. 20 feet away.



Here's Mehve swimming circles around me. I swear, if I'm the first one to grab her shells off her chest that means she's mine, doesn't it?!


Really, she's like 50

Here's some of the coral we swam over. It's there, on the bottom. Seriously, stop looking at the woman, she was like 50 and saggy out of the water. You need your eyes checked. I can see stretch marks from here.



Nah, I'm just kidding with this picture. Mehve didn't point out any barracuda to me, I saw them first and then just started swimming like a goddamn madman for the shore. This was a shot over my shoulder when they first started eating Mehve's legs and he let out a blood-curdling scream that made monkeys a mile away shriek in monkey fear.


Magnum PI

Our guide took this last shot of us just before heading back to the tiki hut base (a mile away in the background) to file the missing persons report on that one fat bitch in our party who probably got eaten by piranha, salt crocs, and 'cuda. Jesus fucking Christ! That whore would not SHUT THE FUCK UP about how "far it is that we have to *GASP* swim! *GAAAASP!* If they had told us *GASP!* ahead *GASP!* of time how far we'd have to *GGGGAAASP!!* swim on this snorkel, I'd never have *GASSSSP!* signed up for it! *GASP!* I want my money back so I can *GASP!* hit McDonalds and eat 35 Quarterpounders *GASP!* With Cheese before getting back on the ship *GASP!!!* for the all-you-can-eat dinner! *OHMYGODHEARTATTACK!*"

Anyway, after our snorkel (which was like 45 minutes of pure seawater bliss), we had time to chill in the perfect surf for a few more minutes, then we got back in our "Jeeps" and eventually made our way back to the golf cart parking garage again. Well, after our guide took us on the "off roading" part of our package deal. This meant us driving around a muddy track behind the open parking garage in a 100-yard loop for about 10 minutes. Not to knock it (it was bumpy, muddy, and pretty damn fun), but it was also kind of sad. MEXICAN sad.