 The Ho-Ho-Horrific
ROSSMAN
I am a "Holiday Man", no ifs ands or buts about
it. Every year I live for the days set between October 31st
and the last day of December. This two month stretch of time
is set aside for eating candy, dressing up in retarded costumes,
gorging
oneself on turkey and stuffing, getting lots of presents, and
finally
drinking oneself into an alcoholic coma while people of the
opposite sex kiss you when a giant glowing ball descends from
a tall
building.
God, I miss the Holiday Season already.
Anyway, this year's 60+ Days 'o Fun was pretty
good. Not the best, but still pretty good. It all started back
in October with a couple of costume
parties. Ahhhh, the freedom of expression while legally
and mentally becoming a retarded and hulking green beast...
There's nothing finer. Now, this was far from being the greatest
Halloween
party ever (that honor still belongs to CHUDfest
2000), but
it was fun to be able to hang with a few buddies and scare
Robot Pedro away with the simple threat of "Hulk Smashing"
his robo-nads into microchips. Unfortunately the pics of me
going Trick 'R Treating at 11:30 at night were somehow lost
and will have
to remain
fuzzy memories forever. That was kind of a downer. Though
I was able
to scare a bunch of little tykes so much that they dropped
all their sacks of treats earlier on in the night... but their
candy bags were mostly filled with shit like Tootsie Pops and
Smarties (aka the "ass end" of the sweet treat spectrum).
Soon though, my anticipation was back on track
as I set my sights on the gluttonous Holiday of Thanksgiving.
I was eager for it to arrive, but from the beginning I just
knew that it wasn't going to be a grrrrrrrrrreat turkey day.
A good portion of my family was out of town, and the rest of
us weren't going to Jersey for a giant Dubel family smorgasbord
of drumstick-chomping,
pie-scarfing, mushroom-slurping filled good times... Just a
couple of close relations on the Ross-side going to the 'rents'
house for some free food. Sure, Bob From the Future showed
up at one point claiming that "something had to be done
about my kids" 30 years in the future... But that was
just a ruse he used to try and finagle his way into my mom's
warm
oven
(for
the stuffing and
greenbean casserole,
you sick fucks). All in all it was just another boring day
with bits and pieces of familial melodrama thrown in to keep
us on our toes.
But then came the KING of the Holidays... No,
not Christmas. I refer to the release of Return
of the King to theaters on the 17th of
December. Honestly, for a while there I completely forgot about
the birth of the king of the
Jews and even the looming activities of Festivus and the tradition
of stealing the Festivus Pole from last year's winner (my 2
year old nephew). To me, the whole season was about Aragorn's
claim to the throne of Gondor. Needless to say, the King did
not disappoint... But then I found myself in a little depression
that usually follows big expectancies. The only thing that
dug me out of my down mood was the fact that I was about to
get some major giftage from family and friends for the mutant
holiday of X-Mas. I got some pretty gruber things this year
too: a de-atomizer, some brass knuckles, all of RahXephon on
DVD, a bath mat (wheeee!), a subscription to Playboy,
a big screen plasma HDTV (a gift from me for me), and the bestest
present
of all, a 'dead rabbit' on that EPT test! Whoo hoo!
Anyway, once again most of the fam was in different
places/countries/worlds on Christmas, so it was kind of
quiet all around. Jaime and Kiff wanted my folks and I to pick
their asses up at the fucking airport at around 4 that day,
but I had the foresite to plan ahead and buy three tickets
to a matinee showing of RotK for us, and since
it's like a 12 hour flick, we were unable to comply with the
young 'uns in their attempt to fuck up the quiet Holiday (Yeah,
I may be a bastard, but both Jaime and Kiff have cars of their
own that they could have driven to the aeropuerto. And just
ask yourself this: would YOU like to spend three hours of driving time
[an hour and a half each way] not to mention waiting time,
when the flight is inevitably late, just to pick some peeps
up who could have just as easily taken their own autos to the
train station or the airport paylot on a Holiday
that's
meant
to be spent in sloth and greed? If you replied with anything
but a "Fuck no!", then you're lying to your own retarded
self). All in all it was a nice and enjoyable day that ended
with
my 5th viewing of one of the greatest movies ever made. God
fucking bless us, everyone!
And finally, I got a week to relax and watch
all of my old dvd collection properly on a giant 16X9 screen
with full surround before I invited myself to the "Remains
of Greenwood New Year's Party". There was PS2
Karaoke,
Mario Kart, porn, and pizza galore, but all rolled up into
a little
and a bit more personal package. This year's New Year's Party
was nothing compared to last year's I
Can't Believe I'm Not Dead Party, but in all honesty I
was kinda of glad about that. It took me till August to recoup
from that shindig, and to this day everything still tastes
like vodka. This year's party was courtesy of Mehve and his
sweet bachelor pad. We even had some bubbly for the "Peach
Drop" (fuck off, this is Atlanta, not Nueva York), and I broke
my two year dry spell by getting kissed (by a girl this time)
at midnight. Always a pleasant way to welcome in the New Year.
So, while this year didn't tread any new ground
in regards to its Holiday Season, it most definitely didn't
make me want to slit my wrists like plenty of other losers
out there who bitch and moan about being "alllllll alone" during
the merriest time of the year. Bunch of pansies they are. If
you ever see one of those lamers in future Holiday Seasons,
do them a favor and shove a candycane up their ass while forcing
them to check out Hegre's treetrimming pictorials and chug
some eggnog. I give my Halloween/ Thanksgiving/ Christmas/
Kwanzaa/ New Year a hearty thumbs up!
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The Holi-Sis Jaime
Am I supposed to rate my holiday season, or my
brother's? I don't even know what he did. Last I heard he was
on his way to Mexico a few days after Christmas with a Winnebago
filled with Moonpies and ugly sluts in lingerie.
I, on the other hand, had a fun time with my
sweetie muffin as we combined our powers and monies to visit
some loved ones all over the world. Because Christmas is all
about love, and giving, and Baby Jesus... So WHY, I ask you,
would my brother refuse to take time out of his own ****ing
holiday and drive a few hours down to the airport to pick us
up when our plane came in that night?!?! What a selfish bastard...
Christmas gets a thumb up from
me, but my brother's egotistical attitude turned me all
Scrooge and stuff for a while there. He did make
it up to me by getting me a couple of nice gifty outfits,
but that only made me feel bad for only giving him a bathmat.
Sh*t!
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The Slammer Jammin'
MEGAPLAYBOY
.....What?.... Where the fucktards am I?....
When was Christmas? Shit, was that New Year's last night? Why's
there a lampshade up my ass, yo?.... Urrrrgh. Bad times, G.
Bad times....
I don't know how good or bad the Rossman's
fuckin' homeboy Christmas Season was, but mine ain't ending
up too well. I give it a thumbs down... Mostly
cause I can't afford the $75,000 bail that I have on my head.
Maybe if
I can get the Rossman to start up a Paypal donation account
or sumtin'...
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