The "I Can't Believe I'm Not Dead" Party Rundown

Yeah, I'm getting old. No shit. It happens to everyone, even porn stars (though at least I don't have to start doing triple or quadruple penetration movies to make up for my age). The difference between regular people who get old and me is the fact that sometimes I forget that I'm aging.

Take for example this past New Year's Party. I got a little stupid. See, I followed the ever-partying Chi-Chi up to some remote mountain cabin in Tennessee to spend 3 days with a bunch of his ever-partying friends while they counted down to 2003. This is my photojournal*.

*The names of the innocents (well, those who were/are a bit more innocent than me) have been changed so as not to embarrass or scar either them or their families as these photos spread through the internet at a speed that rivals the transference of midget pirate porn.

Chi-Chi number 1!!!
Here we can see the man of the hour, Chi-Chi, as he explains to the enthralled party-goers the mysteries of Stephen Hawking's theories of alternate dimensions that dwell in the infinite number of white holes strewn throughout the universe in non-random patterns.... Naw, I'm just shittin' ya. He's actually shaking the chandeliers with a belch that set off car alarms and started avalanches 4 miles away.

This is a picture of Doogie's friend, errrr, hell, I don't remember his name. I barely even remember taking this shot of him cleaning out this girl's sinuses. I believe I got this picture right after she asked him why his nickname was "Booger".

Three heads are better than one
Here we can see the two brothers, Quinn and Alfie, supporting the Army Ranger guy, Lenny, as they dress him up in the customary "New Year's Man Rape Sacrifice" ceremonial robes. They all disappeared for a few hours after this picture was taken, so we all believe that everything went off without a hitch.

Yo yo yo yo yo, bizatch muthafucka!


Charley was the main man who put everything together this year, and he was also the first to get fit shaced beyond all recognition. Here we can see him doing his wigger impersonation of either Eazy E or Don Knotts... He was doing both a lot that night and you really can't tell them apart in still photos. It's really amazing; those guys could easily be brothers.

I get it!  That was like his penis!
Quinn passes out while his brother Alfie watches Chi-Chi dry hump the recliner. In order to immitate his favorite porno, Chi-Chi made a big show of pretending to pull-out early and then he sprayed the chair with milk from a turkey baster. That's pretty much when we called the first day of partying "over".

Good night, sweet prince!
Awwwwwwww! Quinn passes out and Kelly gives him a good-night kiss... Right before she sticks his hand in a bowl of warm water and pisses on his face. It was funny, the next morning he claimed that he "never felt fresher" his whole life, and refused to even take a shower. Needless to say, he didn't have anybody to smooch at midnight that night.

Word to the Gs
If anybody asks, this is actually my evil twin, Jiff, pretending to be all hard core, ghetto rapper... Not me. Never me. Once he has two pints of vodka in him there's just no stopping Jiff's mad rapping skillz.

Oh yeah, that's Rita clutching her boyfriend in fear behind MC Jiff after Jiff tried to get "all Eminem" on her... Translate that however you will.

Woo Hoo!!  Look at me!!  Crazy lampshade guy!
It had to happen sooner or later. Somebody had to swallow that damn tequila worm, turn gay and put on a faggy lampshade. This time it was Bandit's turn. He's a little too into it, isn't he (both the lampshade and that whole "gay" thing).

Nope, this picture isn't upside down. This is the "toilet money shot" picture. Apparently some drunk fuck wanted to see things from the toilet's perspective when the vomitting was in full force on New Year's Eve.

FYI, it is hard as holy hell to get runny puke out of the small joints of a very expensive digital camera.

Hats R Cool!!
Apparently for some reason I had this whole "pointing thing" going on during the partay. I'm not proud of it, but I won't/can't deny it. I am who I am, and what I did is what I was to do. But, at least I'm not wearing that retarded thing on my head like Chi-Chi.

Go to Page TWO to see if anybody died >