 The Verse-Filled ROSSMAN
Double review day.
Let me cover Versus
first. Versus can basically
be summed up as such: Zombies with fucking guns and
samurai swords. That's all there is to it. If you
don't find that quickie summary cool, then you suck the dingleberries
off of yak ass.
Honestly, it doesn't require any more defining than that. It's
just an hour and a half of people and zombies killing the shit
out of eachother (sometimes several times per person) with
cut-ass-rugged weapons. The only reason I merged Versus' review
with Suicide Circle's was because I really
wanted to review
Versus, but didn't have much to say about
it. I guess I could have just filled up a page with mad ramblings
about how sweet
it is to see people get shot or sliced open, die, then come
back as zombies and try and kill their once partners with guns
and swords too... But that would get repetitive fast. So, if
you think that idea
for a plot kicks your ass for you, this movie is for you.
Now, onto Suicide
Circle. It's been a few weeks
since I last saw it, and I still can't fully wrap my thoughts
around it. It was.... strange. I don't even know if it really
had a plot. I'll try and walk you through the movie, but
I don't want to get too spoilery because the greatness
of movies like this is that you never see what's coming
next.
I first watched Suicide Circle without
knowing either jack or shit about it. I only knew how it began
(and even knowing
that didn't stop me from being shocked and almost vomity).
The movie begins on the platform of some train station in population-heavy
Tokyo. Just as a mega super Japanese train is about to fly
into the station 50+ school girls line up, hold hands, and
throw themselves on the tracks. The result is probably 342.67%
grosser than you can imagine. Really. Imagine the worst right
now.... Nope, not even close.... No, that's even farther from
the grossness that spews from the screen after the old number
9 rolls on by. Just, just give it up and watch it for yourself.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Anyway, so all those kids go *ker-splat*,
and the police are baffled. And seriously disturbed and sickened.
And so was I. But soon a couple of bags are found in the area
that contain long rolls of human skin stitched together. Yeah,
it's that kind of a
movie.
Then a super secret website is discovered that counts all of
the suicide victims that have been mysteriously suiciding
across Japan. The zany thing about the site is that it counts
the dead
seemingly before the suiciders even go through with their life-ending
misdeeds.
Don't worry, it gets even supercalifragilastically more bizarre
from there. A crazy man in a bowling alley, a spunky J-pop
band filled with nothing but 10 year old girls, more bags of
rolled
up
skin, and a child who sounds like Gollum who keeps calling
the police station all play a big part in the mad scheme of
things... I think. Once again I must state that after the credits
were
done rolling
I still had no fucking clue what just happened or if everything
that I had just watched even had a point. I don't know if Suicide
Circle was a social commentary on the stupidity of
Japanese kids (although, what today isn't?), or just the troubled
film-child
of writer/director Shion Sono. Even if it was a commentary,
I'm sure he was wacked out of his gourd on goofballs when he
committed this to celluloid. No doubt about it.
Looking back at it, it appears that Sono was
just trying to make a movie with the same impact as Battle
Royale or Meet
the Feebles. You know, a shocking but feverishly
entertaining piece of sickness. But what he ultimately failed
to do was get a plot across. At least the two examples of cinematic
genius that I just pointed out had a thin plot running through
them to keep the shocking disgustingness tidily sewn together.
That made
them
a
bit
more enjoyable.
What Suicide Circle does instead is to focus
on making individual scenes stick out in your brain
so much that you will have tormented
and morbid dreams for weeks after you're done with it. SC has
more memorable scenes in it than any movie (horror or other)
that I've ever seen. It even tops Battle Royale for
bloodiness and crazy ways to die or feel pain. Christ! That
housewife with the big ass knife
segment had me rewind the movie twice to make sure I saw it
correctly.... And, yes I did. The schoolkids on the roof of
their highschool
had me cringing! And the jumbled mess of once-human-bodies
on the coroner's slab had me rethink my tuna sandwich I had
just made for dinner. That's really what Suicide Circle should
be used for: the Jenny Craig Diet. "Whenever you feel
like scarfing down a large, stuffed crust meat-lover's pizza,
watch
200+ Japanese youths become road pizza themselves!" It'll
curb even the most gluttonous of appetites.
Hmmmm, you know, maybe Shion Sono is trying
to get troubled teens to kill themselves with this movie. Maybe
he's tired of all the fukus and pink cell phones. Maybe, he's
trying to start a high school fad for kids to follow. I mean,
seriously, you could start pulling your pants down
and start taking dumps out in public and 90% of Japanese teens
would embrace it as the "new fad-u" of the week. They are so
fucking gullible. I mean, did you know that for a time Japanese
school girls actually bleached their hair and rubbed shoe polish
all over their skin to look "American" (shoe polish on the
face being an arrestable hate crime in the States, btw)? And
then there was that fad where they all started fucking Japanese
business
men
for money (that's right, one of their fads was to become full-out
whores). So why not try and start
a fad where it was cool for them to kill themselves. They're
just going to grow up to become whiney
housewives or horny AV girls or... Wait a minute! If Director
Shion Sono gets all of the hot Japanese school girls to kill
themselves.... then who'll pose for all those Bluebird photos?!?!
Who'll do
all that J-porn?!? Oh shit! The man must be stopped!!.
So,
what did I think of the zombified Versus and the
bizarro Suicide Circle?
I find that I have to give Vs 23 out of 25 Points
of Awesome Grossness, and SC 22 out of those same 25. Versus was plain and simple mindless fun with the undead, and
Suicide Circle was just absolutely weird. It was an entrancing
weird, but weird nonetheless. If you can handle the head
trip, I recommend both... And don't just walk away from
Versus when you think it's over. The main movie is good,
but the epilogue makes it GREAT. That was just so sweet!
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The Circle is Now Complete
JAIME
I will never trust my brother's taste in movies
again. Not that that zombie flick was all that bad... I even
thought the lead was pretty cute. But that Suicide
Club movie
was just a waste of time and human lives. Oh man, I couldn't
even look at any food for a few days after seeing
it. My oatmeal looked like splattered teen brains. My dinner
salad looked like the face of a confused Japanese girl staring
up at the headlight of the Tokyo Express Line. My peanut butter
and jelly sandwich reminded me of that ear that the police
guy had to scrape off of the ledge of the building after that
kid jumped, just not far enough away from the edge. And what
was with those creepy kids singing that "Send me Email" song?!
They were too peppy to be in this movie. Were they the masterminds?
What was up with Mr. Bowling Alley too? Was he the only sane
one in this whole mess of a movie? Urgh... Thought too much
about it again. I better take some more Pepto and go to sleep,
and pray that I don't keep dreaming of my retarded friends
trying to pull me off of the roof with them when they try to
fly like the birds in the sky.
I'll give the zombie thing a
thumb up,
but the Suicide Jamboree was just too much of a mess
to get anything but a thumbs down.
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The "I WIsh He Was Suicidal"
KUNI
Kuni is the super bomb with the dead girls.
Kuni likes to waiting with the street and then does the sex
thing with the sailor fuku girlies in the end. Kuni is alllllllllright!
Kuni is not a zombie man though. No zombies here,
because they are the dead also, but not the sexy dead like
the girlies. Dead girlies is many times more ultra loving!
Kuni thuuuuuuuumb up for dead movies. Yes!!!
Holy shit! Rossman
here. I... I'm not sure, but I think that Kuni just confessed
to necrophilia
above. Ummmm,
if that's illegal in the state of Georgia and any cops are
reading this, then just send me an email and I'll be sure to
tell you Kuni's address and where he hides all his spank mags.
They might help in convicting him. I think some of them have
to do with beastiality if that helps.
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