 The Muppet-Lovin' ROSSMANMuppets
on crack. There, I just summed up Meet the Feebles in
three words. But you know what, Peter Jackson's puppet opus
deserves
so much more than just three words, so I'll review the whole
damn thing right now in order to show my total appreciation
for
his beyond fucked up mind... That and I've got a half an
hour to kill.
I first
saw Meet the Feebles back in 1992 on a 6th generation video
tape that my friend had stolen from his big brother's crackhead
roommate. It turned out to be the most satisfying case of
petty theft that I ever had the pleasure of being involved
in. We watched it at around 2 in the morning early one Saturday,
and even though I had never gotten high in my life, after
watching those puppets fuck, shoot up, and kill the living
shit out of eachother, I was pretty sure that I knew what
the woozy feeling of drugginess was like. It was a mind bending
experience to say the least.
Meet
the Feebles is all about a variety show put on
by puppets (there is not one human character in the entire
movie. It's alllllllll
puppet). The Fabulous Feebles Variety Hour has been picked
up by a national television network, and Bletch (the giant
walrus in charge of the whole shebang) wants everything to
be perfect so that a full season contract can be signed.
The
only problem
is that nothing is going right. That's the cleanest synopsis
I could write about this movie. If you're offended by the
terms "puppet tits," "muppet crackheads," and "fucking
puppet brains all over the walls" then I recommend that
you leave this page now. I'm about to get into the nitty
gritty of
what Meet the Feebles is all about.
Bletch
thinks he has it good. His very popular variety show is going
prime time and his drug trafficking trade is doing smashing
business too. Unfortunately for him most of his performers
have problems of their own. Not just any problems, mind you,
but seriously fucked up problems. I mean, these
puppets are more screwed up than most recovering alkies who
like to shoot up with crack whores while slamming their dicks
in the door every Monday through Friday (just not on the
weekends, cause those are family days). There's a rabbit
who likes
to get promiscuous with the ladies and who might just have
caught "the big one" the day before the big televised
show goes on the air. There's the Vietnam vet frog who's
so smacked
out on goofballs that he's having a little trouble with his
knife-throwing act. There's the assistant to Bletch, Trevor
the rat, who lost his leading male in the porno he was shooting
in the theater basement when it accidentally became a snuff
film. And then there's Heidi the hippo. Heidi is Bletch's
long
time
lover and the star of the Fabulous Feebles Variety Hour.
And she has an eating disorder. And a death wish.
A new
performer, Robert, the hedgehog, shows up and we're introduced
to everything through his eyes. We see the dirt and slutty
shenanigans that go on behind the scenes of the famous
act. Anyway,
Bletch is trying to keep his cast and crew under control
in the hours leading up to his show going live coast to coast,
while trying to keep his affair with the siamese cat, Samantha,
a secret
from Heidi (who's the last to know about her cheating lover's
taste for pussy pussy). Puppet shit
starts to hit the fan when the sleazy tabloid reporter, FW,
the fly, starts digging deep into what makes the Feebles
run... In between his meals of eating puppet excrement...
Literally... With a spoon.
Also during
all this, Bletch's drug supplier is trying to fuck him up
his bloated walrus
ass with powdered bleach while his show's director, Sebastion,
the flamboyant fox, is trying to get Bletch to allow him
to sing
his self written ode to sodomy ("Sodomy! You must think
it very odd of me!") as the closing number to the nationwide
broadcast. Then there's Heidi's eating binges and suicide
attempts and the elephant who doesn't believe that his chicken
lover's baby is his. And we mustn't forget Robert's infatuation
with Lucille, a chorus dog, and how that all gets flushed
down the crapper when Trevor drugs her and tries to "audition" her
for his newest porno. That's all normal shiznit though compared
to the grand finale of the whole movie when Heidi--...
No. I won't ruin it for you. That's just something you have
to see for yourself. Granted, knowing about it won't truly
ruin your enjoyment/disgust of this puppet epic any, but
just seeing everything with your own two eyes without any
prior knowledge of the final catastrophe that occurs will
get a standing ovation out of you. I guarantee it.
So,
what did I think of the freaky puppet show, Meet the
Feebles?
I find that I have to give it an extremely worthy
70.0547 out of 70.34 Rossman points of violence and felt
bloodshed. The only problem that I had with this movie at all was
that goddamn
theme song. Whenever you just think about it the damn
thing will be stuck in your head for at least 4-5 hours. "Meet
the Feebles! Meet the Feebles! We're not your average, ordinary
people! Meet the Feebles! Meet the Feeeeeeeebles!" CHRIST!!!!!
|
Meet the CARLHoly sweet
Moses! When I first saw Meet the Fucking Feebles I
could have sworn that Kermit and Piggy decided to say "Suck my
piggy titties" to the world at large and just do the
wild thing
while Gonzo, Dr. Teeth, Skeeter and Rolf started sniffing
glue and making things explode for the sake of the pretty
lights in the background! Wow! The Feebles are just the kind
of puppets that I wish I had when I was a fucking kid. Who
knows
how
normal
and what-the-fuck I may have turned out?
Any fucking
way, when the Rossman made me sit down to watch a "puppet
show" my first reaction was PAIN! See, I am not a child
or gay! Or a gay child! Or a priest! Shit. But then after
I saw my first puppet blowjob I apologized to the Rossman
and removed my boot from his ass so that he could sit down
and enjoy the movie too.
What a
fucking ride!!! I mean that. Fuck Jenna! Fuck Kobe! Fuck
Terra! Gimme cat on walrus action any day! Yeah, fuckers,
you heard me right!
Man, watching
a bunny rabbit blow up into a rain of meat is something that
I wish everybody could witness every minute of every day.
Not all the time, but like once a minute every day would
be enough. And if you wanted to see it happen more than that,
well, then more power to you! Fucking A, man! The violence
in this movie was sooooo glorious! If only they used real
animals and not muppets. Then it would have been better than
having sex while shooting somebody in real life!!
Meet
the Feebles made the Monkey of Madness "Eek Eek" for
joy and throw his feces with delight! That means
that I endorse it with a hearty Carl Thumbs Up! Bring
on the paaaaain, you goddamn pervy muppets! |
The Never Feeble SATANWhen I
had Jim Henson create those felty and fucked up muppets of
his all those years ago, I was hoping that he would use them
to corrupt the minds and souls of millions of retarded American
youth in order to fill the pits of Hell with even more despair
and fear. Instead he used his stupid frog and horny pig to
teach kids how to read and he used a creature of the night,
the Count, to teach kids how to count to ten with ridiculous
Eastern European accents ("One, bwa ha ha, two, bwa ha ha,
three, bwa ha ha!")
*SIGH*
After a while I gave up hope, but then good old kiwi-native,
Peter Jackson came along and fulfilled my evil little wish.
He made a movie about puppets that would make the director
of Taboo blush! I just knew I could count
on the man who made Bad Taste for something.
Anyway,
so I was happy about the idea that a movie that featured
cute, fluffy puppets could royally screw up little Billy
and Jenny's
minds to the point of nightmares and madness... but then
I saw the finished Feeble product. Sweet Jeesus! What the
hell was Peter thinking! I had nightmares for a
week after seeing that drugged up frog run through the jungles
of 'Nam.
I got all squeamish whenever I thought back on that terrible
drug deal gone sour. I can no longer look at a hippo (one
of the big guy's most insane and fabulously funny
creations) and not think of Heidi's final swan song into
infamy. I still
have the sweats and it's been over a decade since I last
saw this disturbing and demented flick. I swear to the son
of God himself, the people at New Line never looked up this
man's resume when they allowed him to make the Lord
of the Rings Trilogy. I'm sure the interview would have gone a little
something like this:
-"So,
Peter, bubbie... Tell us a little about what you want to
do with
Tolkein's classic and timeless tale of Middle Earth."
-"Well,
I want to be as true to the source material as possible,
and bring the emotional impact of Frodo's journey to the
forefront as we travel with him into the heart of darkness
on a mission that he has only a slight chance of
fulfilling."
-"Good,
good.... Hmmm, it says here on your papers that you made
a puppet movie about giant sea mammals that like to
fuck kitty cats...."
-"Yes...
THEN I LIKE TO SHOOT THEM ALL AND BLOW THEM ALL THE FUCK
UP!!! Heh-heh..."
-"...........Excuse
me for a second. JANICE! Get me security."
After
all is said and done I think I have to give Meet the Feebles
a thumb up and a thumb down. It completely fucked me
over, but I'm sure that it's screwed the pathetic little
minds
of little children everywhere when their uncaring parents
rented it for them without reading the back of the box.
|
