 The Battle Weary ROSSMAN
Holy fucking
shit.... They made it. They actually made it. The ULTIMATE action
movie. Unbefuckinglievable. And it stars kids. Don't
that beat all.
Battle
Royale has to be the most fucked up movie I've ever seen
since Meet the Feebles back in '92. BR is bizarre,
yet it even screams out that it has a message... Sort of. But
I'm getting ahead of myself yet again. First I have to tell
you what it's about.
In case you've
been living in a cave for the past year, or you're as retarded
as the family dog after Corky gave it a big, mental bear hug
and cut off its oxygen for a good 5 minutes, it goes a little
something like this: Japan in the near future is in trouble.
The economy is in the shitter and juvenile delinquency is overrunning
the entire nation. How does one combat a problem such as this?
Well, my fellow Americans basically look away and pretend that
it isn't happening. But this Japan of the future thought long
and hard about it and came up with a super cool solution: The
BR Act. The BR Act is their last resort at stopping youth crimes
and stupidity. Every year a random class of middle or high schoolers
is kidnapped by the government and dropped off on some abandoned
island. Each student is then given a weapon or tool (i.e. guns,
knives, binoculars, tracking system) and thrown out into the
wild to play the ultimate game of survival. They then have 3
days to kill everybody else on the island by whatever means
necessary. At the end of the time limit, if there is more than
one teen standing, their Running Man-esque tracking collars
will explode. You see, like the Highlander there can BE
only one!
Sounds corny?
Possibly. But no explanation could ever do this film justice.
It is soooo cut-ass rugged. The violence is brutal and almost
unreal. For example, while the teacher is explaining the rules
of the Act to the children, he casually chucks a knife into
the head of an interrupting teenie bopper in order to shut her
the hell up. Then he leaves her corpse in the center of the
room while he continues talking. Brilliant! That scene with
the dead body on the floor lasts around ten minutes. The dead
girl just lies there surrounded by crying and shaking classmates
for TEN MINUTES. It was really creepy.
What was
also kind of eerie is the way that some of the kids decide to
handle the situation they're thrown into. Some turn into incredible
pussies and commit suicide as an alternative to slaughtering
their friends (in one quick segment some boy is pulled off a
cliff by his pansy girlfriend and he truly doesn't want to go
out that way). Some try to find peaceful ways to get around
the official rules of the BR Act. And the rest go ape shit crazy
with power. The ones who do that make this movie the
incredible flick that it is. These children use the most creative
ways to kill their enemies and amigos. A few set traps. Several
go hunting. And some try to turn the "game" back
onto the adults who set up camp in the highly guarded school
in the
center of the island.
Pandemonium
is what this movie is about. Watching kids shoot the shit out
of their childhood sweethearts all in the name of survival.
Quite a few seem to enjoy themselves a bit too much which gave
me the chills because I'm a big pansy. There are quite a few
intentional laughs throughout the story (mostly dark dark jokes
about the bloodbaths that spurt up all over the place). But
rest assured, this ain't no comedy. This sure as hell is not
your father's Ah-nold movie. There really isn't even a point
to this whole experiment either. By the end of everything the
BR Act is still in place and apparently still very necessary.
The schools are still in shambles and kids are still total assholes,
but there's just a few less of them when the bullets stop flying.
Kinda makes you think.... Message!
So, what
did I think of the crimson encompassed Battle Royale?
I find that I have to give it a very worthy 69 out
of 70.34 Rossman points of violence. Never before had I experienced
anything as straight up disturbing as that "how to" video
that the kids have to watch at the beginning of the movie.
That chick was waaaaaaay too perky.
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The Bringer of Pain, ANGRY
AMY
After taking
that whole thing in I just have one thing to say. I'm going
to vomit and I'm going to do it on all of the Rossman's most
personal possessions. Then I hope he tries to clean them all
off and gets sick from the puke fumes and passes out wherein
he'll hit his head on a bookshelf and fall face first into a
sickening puddle of a mixture of both his and my oral excrement.
Only then will he understand the pain and torture that I feel
I went through while watching this putrid movie.
I don't know
or care how the Rossman keeps getting all this blackmail
stuff on me, what scares the hell out of me is why he
keeps getting it. I loathe him, and not in a Cybil/Bruce Willis
Moonlighting kind of way. I wish he was set on fire from
the inside out while forced to eat rusty nails and watch a two
week marathon of Oprah! I wish him pain worse than having
your fingernails forcibly removed and then having your hand
dunked in hydrochloric acid.... for eternity!! How the hell
could anybody mistranslate that into wanting to be with
somebody?
Wait!....
Maybe he does hate me as much as I hate him and he just happens
to be a masochist too! That would explain a whole helluva lot,
like why he keeps forcing me to watch these horrible horrible
movies with him and his friends all the time.
Maybe the
only way to end this vicious cycle is to just blow us all the
fuck up at the next blackmail/movie night.
The
whole movie watching experience gets one giant thumbs down
from me. I wish that the Rossman was one of the contestants on
that island with the kids, but that his only weapon was a dead
fish that made loud noises to constantly give away his position.
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The Royale With Cheese, SATAN
When I had
mankind create film over a hundred years ago it was in order
for them to eventually corrupt the peoples of the world with
unmitigated violence and hatred. That is why Battle Royale
is my favorite movie of all time... And keep in mind
that I can even see into the evil future.
Not too many
things make me happy nowadays. Yeah, there will always be war
and famine someplace on Earth, but that crap was getting veeeeery
monotonous. You know, everybody in the Middle East kills eachother....
Blah. Done that shit. Some starving Skeletor kids fade to dust
in the desert... Ho hum. Been there many times. But now, whenever
I get bored with pain and suffering I just kick back and pop
Battle Royale into the ol' evil DVD player. That always
perks me up. After watching 40+ kids get blown the fuck away
for two hours I'm ready to start pokin' fun of the Creator for
a good few days with a smile on my evil, rosey cheeks. This
movie could have used some unnecessary nudity and sex somewhere
in the course of its storytelling, but it's got MORE than enough
maiming and skewering to make up for it.
As almost
perfect an artform as can be expected from such a lowly species.
But I will only give BR one out of two thumbs
up cause I hate you for liking it too.
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