Code Name: Robot Pedro
File Name: Terminator Mark XCVII -- Pedro
Primary Team Rossman Specialty: Stomping on hu-man skulls with robotic cleats.
Goal in Life: Kill all the hu-mans! Death to hu-mans!
|Robot Pedro thinks he's Scottish, but he's not fooling anyone. He also thinks that Pokemon are the key to taking over/destroying the world, but he hasn't quite figured out how yet. He's still working on it with his limited CPU. It'll take a while, but I'll let you know if he ends up succeeding (he promised me the British Isles if I help him).
For the most part (and for tax purposes), Robot Pedro "belongs" to me, but that's kind of like acquiring a giant, wild velociraptor, and saying that it's yours. Yeah, you may have all the correct paperwork on the beast, but you really can't train it to roll over, kiss your face, or not tear your spleen out when you turn your back on it.
Robot Pedro comes from the world of tomorrow. Or maybe he doesn't anymore (He killed the man in the present who would have gone on to be the great- great- great- [Xs 20 or 30] grandfather of the man who invented him)... Time travel is confusing. What I do know about Robot Pedro's past/future is that Bob From the Future brought him back in time to help save me from something or another. Well it turned out that Robot Pedro was really the thing that was going to try and kill me, and Bob From the Future had just fulfilled the prophecy by having us meet. Like I said before, it's confusing and stuff, and I'm already pissed off enough at Bob for the whole thing, and I don't like to talk about it too much.
Robot Pedro likes to play frisbee with people, but people don't like to play it with him. It all goes back to that time when Robot Pedro threw a frisbee a bit too hard and decapitated that homeless dude in one swift slash. He said that he didn't mean too, but I saw him crank his arm in the "YES!!" motion when the man's head hit the ground.
Here we see Robot Pedro just finishing a game of Robo-Death-Frisbee-Fuck-You with a dog that is NOT Angry Amy's missing pooch. Really... Um, I last saw that dog being sold by Carl to that guy who owns that one Korean restaurant down on Hawthorne Avenue. So, like, I'm not responsible for whatever happened to him... 'Cause my robot had nothing at all to do with his flying-disc-related death... Despite the name of his self-made game.
After he first tried to kill
me, I took Robot Pedro under my wing in order to help him find
his place in our world and hopefully teach him some English and some manners.
He likes to call me "gringo" and "puta" all the time and I always have to turn on the microwave (which makes him crap his robot pants and dance like Ricky Martin for five to ten minutes) and knock him around with the Big Stick of Justice just to get him to shut up.
The first time I found out about Robot Pedro's robotic blood lust (well other than when he tried to melt my face with waffle iron when we first met) is when I tried to show him the values of binge drinking in a college town. After our 6th bar that night he picked up a car and threw it at a "pregnant beeyatch walking her dog" (don't worry, she wasn't really pregnant, just really fat, and she wasn't killed, just horribly crippled... the dog was okay though) because "she was manufacturing more inferior and uncrausamatic hu-mans." Since then he's tried to destroy "low-grade hu-mans" just about every way imaginable: By shooting them (with laser and traditional guns), by flame, by slicing them, by stepping on their head with his robot cleats, by challenging them to video games, by throwing female hygiene products in their faces, by making them watch Kathy Lee's Christmas Special (the most inhumane), and by laughing at them to their faces. He is one evil muthafuckin' robot.
Robot Pedro loves to play people in fighting games whenever he can. Well, he mostly likes to just play against the MegaPlayboy because he sucks. He can even beat the Megaplayboy in Super Kobe Tai Orgasm War Extreme 69 by only using Terra Patrick's vibrator-blast cunt-fire maneuver. He even let's the MegaPlayboy play as Ron Jeremy, and he STILL loses. That's just pathetic.
On a strange parallel, the only way that I have found out to shut Robot Pedro down after he gets too rowdy from beating the MegaPlayboy too many times in a row is to slap him on the back of his head with a thick, black rubber dildo. Weird.
Robot Pedro lost
his left eye in the Great Robot War of Savatage in the distant
future. It was a skirmish having to do with the World Government
trying to control how much of a robot's daily energy and time
could be spent playing video games. I think that Robot Pedro
started the uprising himself when President Britney Spears XXVI ordered
all power to be shut off to the Manhattan Robot district just
as he was about to beat the last boss in Marvel Versus Capcom 78. I've been told that it took him 5 hours to get that far, so I can understand his anger.
Well, in the end his rebellion was crushed like a beer can on Carl's forehead and Robot Pedro's whole regime had their minds wiped so that they'd never remember how close they came to actually deleting humanity from the entire Milky Way, and to curb their robotic human-killing lust a bit they were programmed to crochet hu-mans scarves and afghans whenever they felt wronged by a fleshling. Somehow Robot Pedro was able to keep all his original memories though, but he doesn't try to kill me everyday 'cause I let him play as much Nintendo as he wants (since he killed my meter reader I really don't care how much power he ends up using. It's win-win for me).
Every once in a while Bob From the Future will stop by and I'll have to shut Robot Pedro down or ship him off to the Middle East for the week. Sometimes I forget to do so though, and it just becomes a huge, dysfunctional, family reunion when the two come face to face again.
When Bob can keep his cool, he's totally in charge and lets Robot Pedro know it. But Robot Pedro has a habit of pushing Bob's buttons, and getting him all riled up, which usually ends up causing Bob to put his gun down and face the metal one in unarmed combat. Let's just say that if instead of rock-paper-scissors, the game was gun-flesh-metal, metal would punch through flesh like a stripper through tear-away clothes. One time however, Bob had on a pair of cyborg-attachment arms, and he let Robot Pedro piss him off by giving him the robot finger and calling his mother, Roberta Masaharu Morimoto (who really is a saint), a "dog-fucking, monkey-licking, fecal-kissing, pedofile who shits out devil-children like a fuckin' retarded rabbit on speed!".... Not my words. Anyway, it took three days to chisel Robot Pedro out of that brick wall after that. I thought about leaving him there, but I knew that the satellite company people might be coming around anyday to remove my free dish that I found lying around and installed and hacked into their satellite signal. If Robot Pedro is good at one thing, it's "making people who try to take stuff from us disappear."
Robot Pedro always
angrily tells me that in the future all menial tasks are done by robots.
I told him that today all menial tasks are done by Mexicans and
the retarded, and that it was kind of the same thing. He also
tells me that what he misses most from his own time are the legal
acts of random violence that are allowed by robots onto the elderly humans
that completely overpopulate the Earth. He said that too many
wankers refuse to move to other terraformed planets because they're
"old" and "unable to take the g-forces of lift off" and other baby crappola like that. So now the planet is basically one huge retirement center for billions of drooling and wrinkled centenarians. Imagine an entire world smelling of Ben-Gay and apple sauce! It's no wonder that Robot Pedro went a bit loco. I'm just surprised that a "Logan's Run" law was never put into effect. That or a "Soylent Green" one. Although who would really want a sandwich that tasted like medicated pudding?
Robot Pedro likes to drive my car a lot. Too bad he just plain sucks at it. He frequently runs over squirrels, raccoons, cats, dogs, postmen, small children, trees and me when he's behind the wheel.
Here we can see the time when Robot Pedro was taking his own picture while he was driving to prove to me that he deserves a license. The problem was that he ran me into the dirt as I was getting the mail. Ironically enough my Victoria's Secret catalog came that day. Well, I was thinking about it earlier that day... I didn't mean it was ironic to Robot Pedro's story.
Robot Pedro Quote: "How many inferior hu-mans does it take to replace a broken and fucked up light bulb?... I would tell you, but I'm going to kill you anyway!"