Code Name: Jaime and Kiff
File Name: Jaime and Kiff
Primary Team Rossman Specialty: Asking for money.
Goal in Life: Jaime eventually wants kids, and Kiff's goal is to be able to look at porn again without getting castrated.


This is my sister, Jaime. She's Scottish and damn proud of it. Who wouldn't be? She likes to give the "Scottish Thumbs Up" sign to show that she's got the real Celtic blood in her. I think that the flag gives it away though.

The other thing that she's proud of is being my sister... Well, at least she SHOULD be proud of that! Did you hear me, Jaime?! You better be proud! Oh, I see, you're not to proud to eat my last Pop-Tart, but it's too much to ask for some pride in your sibling. GET OUT!

Jaime is my sister. Kiff is her finances- I mean fiancee. Jaime (being a Ross) has lots of Scottish history and crap in her. Kiff is Irish I think, so he's probably a lush.

I met my sister quite a few years ago when she was born. It's amazing how much she's changed since then. I only met Kiff a few years ago and he hasn't changed much at all. I think his hair grew a little bit, but then he cut it. I guess he fears change like any other rational human being with a mortal soul (fyi, since I'm an immortal I don't fear death too much myself).

I accidently traded in Kiff's soul to the Devil once, and boy did Jaime throw a hissy fit! She made me paint a pentagram on my kitchen floor, place a lot of candles all around, and call forth the hot demoness and explain that I had made a mistake, and that Kiff's soul was actually the property of my sister, and not mine or even Kiff's to give. At first Satan wouldn't budge, since it reeeeeally seemed to piss Jaime off, but then Jaime told Kiff and I to go outside for a minute or two so that she and Satan could have a calm "woman to woman" talk. 5 minutes later we were let back in, Kiff got his soul back, and I was still allowed to keep my bag of Hot Salsa Doritos that I traded it for in the first place. The Devil just blotted her eyes, turned and vanished in a puff of really putrid smoke (I think she leaves behind that rotten egg smell on purpose). Since then I kind of let Jaime get away with a lot of crap. She scares me.


Here you can see the lovebirds in a nice and calm, unspoiled environment. Jaime likes to smile a lot, but Kiff seems to be a bit confused. I guess he's just wondering how lucky he got that he'll have such a cool and rugged brother-in-law in the form of me. I mean hey, I AM me and I get lost in the awe and coolness of just being me all the damn time. It's got to be kind of overwhelming for the poor guy.

Jaime wants to be a teacher so that she can help retarded kids (aren't they all?) learn how to read and riite goodly. I told her to just give them books and let them figure it out for themselves. I think it would be funny to see what kind of fucked up language they come up with on their own. It might screw up the rest of their lives a bit, but like a tard's ever gunna figure out how to clone Buffy the Vampire Slayer or anything important. Plus I need entertainment NOW dammit!

As for Kiff, well he's like an artist dude or something. He showed me a webpage that he claimed to have made one day, but it was better than anything I ever did so I didn't believe that he made it. I made Robot Pedro chase him around with some motorized hedge clippers for a few hours until he learned to stop lying like a ten dollar whore on the ground after she falls off the mechanical bull. Lying just makes people look better than me, and that's a crime in my house.


Jaime's a "take charge" kinda gal. If somebody ruins a picture she's in she likes to hurt them.

You may think that she got that sensibility from me but it's actually the other way around. All the violence that I am (and that I passed on to Robot Pedro) I first learned from her. And now that I've been drinking my milk I think that I can finally take her in a fair kick-boxing match if she had her legs cut off. Being the older brother is cool!

Jaime and Kiff don't like to hang around my place too much. They claim that Robot Pedro is trying to kill them but they're wrong. It's the Megaplayboy that's trying to kill them. I don't remember why, but it's something about the missing insert to his Better Than Raw album.

I don't really know what Jaime and Kiff's plans are for their future or anything, but I do know that they want to get married in a big castle with lots of flowers and puppies, and with a big cake and angels singing at the reception. And then they'll become a prince and princess and ride off to Disney World in a carriage with big white horses, and they'll have a magical fairy and a great chef with them happily ever after. They also intend to have 12-13 kids. I have a feeling that they might be planning a bit outside their (and their parents') wallets, but who am I to squash a dream that pansy-like. Plus it'll be oodles of fun to see reality smack them in the face a few times like a rude wake up call.

Jaime Quote: "Me and my Shmoopy-kins will wuv eachother and be together till the end of time!"

Kiff Quote: "Seriously, what's wrong with just a little porn every now and then? Like when she has a headache... Well if I looked up porn every time THAT happened I guess it would be pretty constant, but still."


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