Code Name: the Doc
File Name: Doctor Dave
Primary Team Rossman Specialty: The man with the needle and the knife is the man whom I trust with my life. Hey, poetry!
Goal in Life: To grow funny creatures, let them run into the night and become great rock musicians.

These photos were a big mistake. It was a typical Wednesday afternoon and I was going to meet Dr. Dave in his shady lab to make some shady deals. You see, after a week's worth of Rossman rampages through town I usually have a big bag filled with leftover people parts. And since Dr. Dave is no longer allowed to go near any hospital or graveyard again (under penalty of 5-10) I "donate" these human bits in the name of science... and the five bucks he pays me.

The only thing that Dr. Dave demands is that he be allowed to wear my patented Rossman Hat during the transactions.... I learned to never ask questions.

To tell you the truth, I don't really know when I first met Dr. Dave. I have some weird recollections of having an unbalanced and maniacal biology teacher back in high school who looked kinda like him but was kicked out of the school for some deranged and ungodly experiments concerning the genetic merging of a midget and mung... The newspapers later showed a picture of the failed mutated test and it was quite disturbing. It was indeed a horrible waste of a midget.

Anyway, years passed and one day while in college I found that I had a need to find a physician who wouldn't mind sewing up a foot and a half wide bite wound on my waist. The catch was that he couldn't ask questions or report the fact that I was missing a good 10 pounds of flesh and entrails to the authorities. Luckily I was soon directed to the shady part of town where a (some say "insane", but I say "kooky") doctor hid his underground shady practice. That was my first official meeting with Dr. Dave (like a bad Batman villain he had changed his name and personality when he turned to a life of dementia... that is if he truly was that mad high school teacher of my youth who's class I frequently skipped to go shoot road signs with a shotgun).

Anyway, this one time I brought along a camera crew to the Wednesday exchange to take our picture so that I could prove that there were scarier people in the world than me. Well, when the flash went off he freaked like a sasquatch in heat and charged the camera. I calmed him down after guaranteeing him that I would only use his picture on a porn site and that I would never use his real name with it. So for the sake of what's left of his sanity pretend that he's naked and that his name is Larry.

What you unfortunately can't see in these photos is the rest of Dr. Dave's sprawling underground lab and personal Gyro restaurant (the man loves his Gyros). This place is enormous! I know that the MegaPlayboy once got lost for three full days in the twisty and turny "sack rooms" (the slightly refrigerated storage spaces where the doc keeps a good portion of his extra parts for his experiments... but quite honestly I think he just collects most of the pieces like normals collect CDs or pornography). When the MegaPlayboy was eventually rescued they say that he was all feral and twitchy and afraid of the light... and gnawing on a fresh arm. I've also heard that the arm was his own, and he was missing both feet too. I'm telling you, Dr. Dave's place will turn you MAD if you're not careful, or if you breathe too deeply for more than 2 minutes.

Ever since then I've gone to Dr. Dave's weird-ass lair whenever I or somebody I know needed a quick and cheap medical procedure that the law would never find out about. Over the years Dr. Dave has even broadened his horizons dramatically and studied a bit of high technology (mostly in order to help fix Robot Pedro whenever he gets blow'd up, shorted out or melted). This really helped me out big time seeing as I hate going without a robot for more than a few days at a time, and Robot Pedro has made a bad habit of pissing off Carl whenever he's got a hammer or other smashing things nearby. Dr. Dave has even been kind enough to help hotwire my car when I forget my keys (or when it doesn't really belong to me).

All in all Dr. Dave's been a good friend. He's sewn me back together or cloned my body and transferred my memories to my new self too many times to keep count of. There was that one scare we had a few months back that pissed me off more than anything: Robot Pedro tried to turn Dr. Dave in to the American Medical Association and the CIA in the hopes of a huge reward. But when he found out that they didn't pay for any tip offs he convinced them that the Megaplayboy was the illegal impeder of human lives that they were looking for. It took a while for the MPB to get out of the slammer (I think he enjoyed the shower room sodomy a bit too much), but since then the Feds never came back to town. So in the end it looks like Robot Pedro did Dr. Dave a favor.... I guess.

Dr. Dave Quote: "Yes, sirreebob, I'm your man. I can sew a rhinoceros horn to your face if you need it. I can even splice you some marvelous genes that'll allow you to grow as many huge breasts on your body as your imagination will allow. I mean just LOOK at these puppies! That's science!"


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