Issue #34: Chick-Fil-A Versus Homos
(Most of these are actual quotes from people from the intarwebz. For serious.)

Let me get this all straight... So God hates faggots, but He loves fried chicken?
No, no, no, no. See, God hates everyone equally. Since he made us all, he's allowed to. But the Chick-Fil-A president said that homosexuals should never be allowed to get married, assumedly because they're all filthy, AIDs-ridden, disgusting creatures who...... Oh.... Sorry.....
Fuck you.
So that's why all Christians need to go to Chick-Fil-A to eat lots of chicken? I don't get it.
No, no, no... See, it's not because we are supposed to agree with the president of Chick-Fil-A's personal attack on butch lesbians who rub liverwurst on their genitals and scream out Katy Perry's name in ecstacy in public... No offense...
We good Christi-- I mean, we good AMERICANS need to support his free speech. Yeah, that's the ticket. THAT'S why we need to buy his high-caloric chicken and scarf it all down. In appreciation for his right to free speech. He needs to be allowed to say that ANY GROUP of individuals that he hates isn't allowed to do something that the rest of us are totally allowed to do.
Wow... Though I guess it's all good as long as you gave all that food away to the poor, huh. Then everyone wins.
....Wait, what? Why would we do that? What do the poor have to do with anything? We just need to buy Chick-Fil-A's greasy, tasty, yummy chicken... And like eat it all ourselves. Just like God wanted!
Mmmmmmmmmmmm! Hot, savory, greasy, cock! Yum! Sign me up!
So, why do you not want gays to get married? Does it hurt you? Does it affect you in any way at all?
It's UNNATURAL. It's just not... It's not something that's made in nature.
Your gas-guzzling SUV isn't very natural... Why aren't you burning down all the auto dealerships?
You are so... You just don't know what... You are such a heretic! You HEATHEN!
Wait, are beer, pizza, and titties natural? I mean silicone IS a natural element... Isn't it?
And science has shown that homosexuality is something that IS natural. Hell, all mammals have homosexuals in their species and stuff. My neighbor's guy dog loves to hump other guy dogs, but won't even sniff a girl dog's butt.
Science!? SCIENCE!?! You mean SCIENCE created by liberal left wing LOONIES! Yeah, that's what they want you to believe. They just want the GAY VOTE!
What the heck are you talking about? And isn't your God perfect?
Yes. The Almighty Father is infallible! He's all knowing and all powerful! Praise Him!
And didn't he make us all in his own image, according to your own storybook?
If you mean THE BIBLE, then yes. We are all made in his glorious image.
Wow! Then he must have an INCREDIBLE schlong!
So you're saying that God made gays, and gays are made in his image, which means that your God is at least partly playing for the other team.
That argument makes no sense! You're so dumb! God didn't make gays!!! They CHOSE to go gay because they are... Because they... God, you're such a faggot!
Well, they're here, so he must have made them. He made EVERYTHING, didn't he? And they must be part of his plan, because he's all knowing and infallible. So according to Christians, he made everybody, we're all made in his image, he knew exactly who was going to be gay from the dawn of time (which you think only happened what, 6,000 years ago?), but even though he MADE them, he doesn't want them getting married, even if they're in love, and even if it's not in a religious ceremony, but only a civil, government-backed ceremony?... Is that right?
Okay, two dudes I can understand God not wanting to get together. If he can see everything he surely doesn't want to watch a man slurp up another man's dong-juice. But what God in his right mind would have a problem with two gorgeous babes lickin' each other out while wrestling in baby oil?! TELL ME! WHAT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!
You are so dumb. You're just twisting Jesus' words now! Jesus said that homos are no-no's!
Seriously? Have you ever read the Bible yourself? I mean, I have an IQ of 68, but even I know that Jesus never said anything about the gays except "Love your neighbor as you love yourself," and like, "do unto others as you'd have done onto you."
You're not Christian, you still worship human-made-up gods like Zeus and Girgamesh! You aren't allowed to quote the Bible at me, son!!!!
.....................It's like talking to a fucking howler monkey. All you do is scream back at me whenever I try to make a poi-
All I'm saying is that buying chicken from a certain restaurant chain because they don't think that gays should get married only shows that you're bigots, and all you're doing is rewarding some fat cats in corporate and making them rich for being assholes who don't really follow your own religion's founder's teachings....
Why are you still talking? You already lost this argument when you tried to quote the Bible...
.............Wow. If only everybody else was able to use that line against you bigots whenever you pulled out Leviticus, claiming religion is anti-gay, without even knowing what that quote truly means. Christ, this is getting preachy, but when it says "man shall not lie with man as he does a woman" it's not saying "gays is evil," it's saying man should not treat his fellow man as his inferior, as women are inferior and nothing but objects to be owned. Boning a chick after a wedding meant you just claimed ownership of her. Doing that to another man is wrong, cause he's your equal. Just like if you boink a virgin, you've damaged another man's property. So really, Leviticus is just ancient property law — your argument is invalid.
I'm just going to come out and say it: I don't think virgins really exist. They're like the Tooth Fairy or "good Sega games."
Heathens are not allowed to throw Bible verses at true-believing Christians! You go to Hell and you die!
And if you're going to live by Leviticus and all its laws then anybody who touches a woman in any way within 7 days of Aunt Flo stopping by needs to be killed. Also, if you commit adultery, both parties need to be put to death. Also, if you wear clothes made of two separate materials, guess what, you need to die; you're breaking your own Bible law. Oh, and Deuteronomy also says that the victims of rape need to be executed. Yeah, your Bible is a caring, loving instructional booklet on leading a peaceful life, isn't it...
THANK YOU! I was really looking for a reason to stay away from Daisy right after she canoes down the Crimson Creek. But only 7 days? I'd rather wait 30...
You're just so stupid, and the problem is you don't even know it.
....Hold on, did you say we get to rape people then KILL them? Like violently? And it's all legal under the Bible?........ Hey, gay elf, come over here. I'm going to sodomize you with this razor dildo, then cut your fucking head off.
Okay, but let me put my gimp mask on first. It is the Sabbath after all.

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