Issue #33: An Actual Conversation
(Seriously, I cannot emphasize this enough... This conversation really happened.)

...So then I just told her, "Hey, look, lady, I'm sorry I spit on your baby, I thought it was a fucking CHUD larva." But she just kept hitting me with her handbag like we were in a Benny Hill sketch.
Holy shit! I just pissed myself a little.
You know what, we should just start over. It's totally broken, and we need to start over. As a country and all.
I... Wait, what? Start what over? What's broken?
It's failed. Capitalism has proven that it doesn't work. We need to try something new!!
Wow. Okay, how long were you holding that in for? Did you just blurt it out because you realized we DON'T GIVE A SHIT about politics and economics and we'd never ever in a million years hit that topic? And fuck, I'll bite... WHY do you think capitalism has failed? I'm curious.
Well, it's obvious! There are so many rich people here in this country! It's not fair to the poor! The rich have just too much, and they get more every day!! They don't need it!
.......Holy shit, wow... Okay, that makes no sense. I mean, doesn't that prove that capitalism WORKS? That so many people have actually lived the American dream and raised themselves up to become rich by only using their own blood, sweat, and tears?
No! It just proves they're greedy! They should give more to the poor! And they don't, so the government should take their money and give it to the poor!
That's called communism, sweetheart. And it's been proven that it doesn't work.
No! NO! Listen, we just need to become a socialist country. It DOES work! Prove it doesn't!
What? Europe is the dream! We should all wish that we could all be like--
Um, I think you're retarded. No, I take that back. I've seen retards who can put together a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle. You're dumber than that.
Okay, name calling equals bad. Let's back up. What my good friend here is trying to say is that Europe is about to go ka-put if it keeps up its socialist agenda. Greece has already fallen, one of the stronger economies there, Germany, is revolting about the system and wants out, and the percentage of people on entitlement programs keeps rising now that they realize they don't have to work, and the government still takes care of them. It's going to collapse harder than the Soviet Union after Yakov Smirnoff left... I have a paper I'm writing on the theory that his defecting to the US was the beginning of the end, so I can't say any more now.
No, I'm not talking communism, just socialism. The poor! Seriously, the poor are just... It's not fair!
Have you ever MET any poor people? I mean the REAL poor who live in public housing and plop out new kids every other year just to stay on the program?
What? Me personally?................
Yeah, I fucking thought so. Well I have. And let me tell you, for the most part these people DESERVE to be poor.
How DARE you! You really believe that?!
Whoa! It's not like I said they deserve leprosy or something, just that they're so fucking retarded with money that they're poor for a reason. They need somebody to show them not to spend $200 a month on beer, $300 for a pair of tennis shoes, and $2000 of MY fucking money on spinning rims on their shitty, 1980s Chrysler. They DON'T need to feel like they DESERVE free money in order to sit on their asses all day, smoking the marija-wanna.
You don't understand....
And you know, back when I actually thought I could save the world myself, and helped the church I used to go to by having free barbeques for poor neighborhoods I'd see more greed than I ever did with any rich person I've ever known. These people (who never even went to the church, but that wasn't a requirement) would show up in droves, 5 or more kids at their legs, grab armfuls of the burgers and hotdogs, then walk away as fast as they could while complaining out loud that we were cheap assholes for just giving them barbeque again. AGAIN! Yet they'd keep showing up, hands extended. "Gimme gimme gimme!" and then they'd leave with a "Go to Hell!"
Yes, but they DESERVE it!
How and why do you figure that?
Because they're POOOOOOOOR!
Paisano, remember that time you talked me into going with you to that poor people free-for-all? All those little kids kept looking at me with such hatred, like I just told them I planned to rape their mothers that night, and kill their fathers... Well, I mean if I could ever track their fathers down that is. They're fucking raising their kids to HATE people who have jobs and who aren't the same color, even when we try to give them free shit. That's just how they view the government too. "I hate you! Now give me money. I need smokes... Assholes! I'VE EARNED IT!"
They can't help it! They're poor!
So you've never worked with the poor, you've never even MET a poor person outside of a panhandler on the street that you probably ran away from, yet you know that they can't help it. Okay. Well, let me ask you this: Have you ever met a RICH person? I mean met, talked to, gotten to know a rich person...
Pffft! Why would I WANT to?! They fucking earned their money by stealing and cheating and--
Oooookay, NOW we're getting somewhere. You hate the rich because you're not one of them. Gotcha.
Hell, I'm not rich, but I love them. Some day I'll be like a rich guy's ward, and we'll go out fighting evil clowns and shit at night!
We need SOCIALISM!...
Well let me tell you, I have four millionaires in my extended family, and I'm actually on a first name basis with an actual goddamn BILLionaire, and on top of the taxes that they all pay (which are already astronomical for all of them) in order to pay for welfare and all that shit, they STILL give hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars to charity every year. How much do YOU give to charity? I am so willing to bet that the answer is $4.50 or less total in change to a few beggars per year.
No, I.... Well I pay taxes so that they can get my money that way!
Christ... So because you're too stupid to give your money to causes you deem fit, you want all of us to suffer. And you think the government that sends 40 workmen to fix a pothole, created the DMV, buys $400 toilet seats for the Pentagon, and gets us involved in 20 wars at the same goddamn time in the Middle East is going to spend your money in the wisest ways?
Fuck 'em all. I say we ship all the poors to Mexico.
And honestly, I am very willing to give some of my cash to some guy who's had a bit of shitty luck lately, doesn't have a job, and really needs help, as long as he's LOOKING for a real job, and he's willing to submit for a drug test everytime he picks up a check. I mean, if I have to have a drug test in order to EARN my money, then HE should take a test in order to earn MY money. That's fair.
No it's not! You do realize that over half the states allow marijuana usage to people who need it for medical reasons, right? Well, are you then saying that those people shouldn't be allowed welfare money?
Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. How many people really need the reefer in order to feel better after chemotherapy? I mean, how many people living on Uncle Sam's dime really need pot to survive? That's a bullshit excuse.
No, you don't understand, they really need it! They DO! Stop rolling your eyes! I'm serious! We can't take pot away from them if they're used to it!
And there is the biggest problem of all, which I think we've already covered. Once we start giving free shit to people, they start believing they're ENTITLED to it. But as a great manly woman once said, "The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people's money." Then it all collapses, then we have to start over. And you can NEVER take something like that back once it's given unless you want them to physically fight for it. Oh yeah, they'd get off their fat, poor asses to fight for their freebies. That's probably the only thing they ever would get off their couches for.
If we take their pot away, then what's next? Taking away their free medicine? Their free medical procedures?
And you seem to forget that even without Obamacare and socialized medicine that EVERYBODY who NEEDS medical help already receives it! I have a good buddy who's a doctor, and hell, so's my uncle and a cousin. Ask them. If somebody goes to a hospital and is sick (and not just crazy hallucinating that he's sick because he's high), he'll get fixed up even if he can't pay jack. Hospitals EXPECT to get ripped off by a certain large percentage of their clients per month. All Obamacare will do is put a shit-ton more talentless hacks into government jobs that aren't even necessary in order to regulate shit (regulating being what the government does "best"), and then clog up the hospitals with miles of bureaucratic red tape. We're making the retarded government BIGGER. It's already way too damn big! And stupid.
Yeah, and honey, don't you WORK in a hospital? Don't you know this?
Yup, and let me tell you, for the past three years, when I see those meth heads who come in, they are so disgusting! They smell terrible, have awful hygiene, they're missing teeth and stuff, and they are so messed up. But they need our help the most! But I say we should sterilize them so they can't breed, but still help them as much as we can.
..................... Wow.
Are you serious?..... That is the greatest idea EVER! It's like you're a socialist/fascist! Brilliant! Sterilize them all! We'll be free of them in like 30 years when they all die off!
I must admit, I am verily confused by your convictions here.
You know who's got it right? Florida.
Got what right? And how is Florida the answer to ANYTHING. They have their own button on
Yeah, but there's like NO taxes in Florida except for an estate tax — not even income tax or sales tax! So only rich people who own houses have to pay for everything. That's how we need to do it! Like, everywhere!
.....You're yanking our cranks, right? First of all, I think you mean "property tax", not estate tax. And secondly, yeah, there is a sales tax in Florida, honey. And it's pretty large in some counties. And did you know that close to 50% of the population doesn't even pay income taxes? The poor side that is. So like not having an income tax doesn't really help your precious meth-addicted poor anyway. And whoa! Do you really believe that ALL homeowners are "rich"?
How old are you, toots? Do you just hear bits and pieces of conversations and automatically believe them without looking anything up for yourself? You crazy. I'm curious here, what do you do in the hospital you work in? Please GOD don't tell me anesthesiologist or proctologist. Tell me you work in the gift shop!
Well, I'm a computer technician, and I replace keyboards and mouses when they're broken. And I get my supervisor coffee when she needs it. Oh! But I just graduated from nursing school, and I'm going to be a nurse!
Whoa. So the hospital that's employed you to get coffee for 3 years is going to make you a nurse? Meaning they've KNOWN you for three years and want to make you a nurse? A nurse? Somebody who helps doctors to keep people alive?
Well, despite my mother and aunt working at the same hospital, my mom's department had an opening for a nurse, but they passed me over for some other girl. She's ugly.
BWA HA HA HA HA! Holy shit! That's awesome!
Calm down, man. Okay, so even with two family members on staff, and you being there for three years, they skipped you? For some ugly twat?
Yeah, I know, it sucks. They're so stupid! I deserve that job! It should be mine because I totally thought they were going to give it to me for being there and all.
It's all becoming clear now....
I also applied to be a nurse in the Air Force and the Army. But not the Marines. God, they're all so dumb in the Marines.
BWA HA HA HA HA! You don't mind that I'm recording this, do you? This is awesome!
Whatever. Oh, and like, I really wanted to move out of my apartment, but it's like all I can afford now. Not until I get a real nursing job.
You mean that one-room efficiency pad with no air conditioning you were telling us about? You can't afford anything more than $250/month? AND your mother helps you with rent too?! Christ! What do they PAY you there? Four popsicles a week? No wonder you're pissed at people who actually earn more money per paycheck than you spend on rent for a half year! But you have to realize that it IS fair, mostly because you're a complete moron who CAN'T DO anything, and those rich people create companies from scratch that earn millions or billions of dollars.

The Constitution never said that you deserved a free ride for anything you didn't earn yourself, it just says we all have the same opportunities to make our dreams come true. And you know what? I don't even want to be rich. Fuck it, too much work. I'm happy just being comfortable... As long as the government doesn't take any more out of my paycheck that is.
Well, I just think that you just don't understand. The poor need our help! We need to keep them on welfare!
..... Did you just say we need to KEEP THEM on welfare? Wow. You know what? Check please! Garçon! Check! Quickly! Or I'm going to throw my drink in this lady's face.
What is wrong with you?! What's wrong with this country!?
That's my question... Look, you obviously can't afford your lunch, so I'll pick it up--
You mean you weren't planning to?
Holy fuck... You're enabling her man. She... I.... Fuck you all, I'm going to the Pink Pony. I'm going to give back to the community by paying the salaries of some lovely ladies who EARN their pay. Oh! But first, I thought of the perfect sentence that'll piss off all retarded hippies and uptight conservatives at the SAME TIME!

Check it: "Global warming alarmists cling to their already debunked claims worse than Christfags suck on the teat of a shittily translated book about a magical invisible man in the sky, written in the days when people still believed the sun revolved around the Earth."
You don't know anything, you, you... You ignorant, uncromulent pig!
Seriously, bro, you must have FAITH in our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
Yeah, just like you have to have faith in global warming, even without proof!

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