Issue #32: WikiLeaks

Okay, so some asshole released a shit ton of classified ads online. Big deal. I read the classifieds every day and see stuff like "For sale: One slightly used anal plug w/ free gay elf's dignity." That shit's already out there.
I didn't have that part about my dignity in there!... I mean, that wasn't my ad.
No, Doc, you got it all wrong. See, there's this Australian faggot named Julian Assange who like talked some gay US serviceman — who was angry because he was so fruitily gay and vocal about it, and that got him busted in the Army — into passing along over 250,000 pages of classified government information and stuff for Assange to post online and cause America to shit its collective pants because of all its dirty laundry now out for Russia, Iran, and China to read and chortle at.
...................... Whatta the fuck? Who are you, and what have you done with that little freak with the wings?
Wait, is there like money to be made in selling secrets and shit?
There's got to be! Look how much money I got out of the Princess for threatening to blab about her carrot and monkey poo sexual fetish!
Hey! I'm canceling that check right now!
Okay, okay, just settle down now, people... Let's think this through. Okay, so A). We-a gotta steal some-a countries' big, bad, dark secrets.
Hold on... Let me plug the metal boy's 700TB RAM brain up to the intarwebs... He'll be able to hack into anything! Big businesses, the Pentagon, Dolly Parton's laundry mat!
.............................................................Megaman can find porno online! Yippee!
Oh boy... I think I just introduced the lad to German dog-fucking videos. He'll want to be alone for a while. While that's happening, what's the next step, Doc?
Okay, so once we have these secrets, we'll have to sort through them for the junk that the public or communist and fascist regimes want to see. Then, um, then we post them.
Wait. Like, for FREE? Where's the profit.
Well, we can do this one of two ways: 1). We let the public pay us directly for freeing their minds and stuff, like by putting up a "Donations Accepted" button in big, bold, reds and yellows on the front page, or 2). We put up a little itty bitty bit of some info online, and say "Pay us a brazilian dollars or we post the rest!" It's win/win! For everybody!
Well, I don't think you fully understand what "win/win" actually means, Doc, but I like your style. And hell, why can't we do both! With the donations button people will think we're non-profit and not in it for ourselves! Purely a public service. I mean hell! The people of third world shithole countries DESERVE to know where the US' missile silos are, and which dignitaries we're spying on or poisoning this week!
Okay, so let's get on this. Gay elf! You go find some gay service man who has access to classified documents about political espionage and military weaknesses!
Oooh! Can I search the docks?!
Sam, you rough the gay seaman up if he won't hand over that stuff willingly.
Goddammit. He better give it up fast or there's a missile up his anus.
Mine first!
I said "missile" not "Tic Tac"
I've seen it. You're being too generous.
Okay, okay! We could mock the gay elf's teeny weeny wienie all afternoon like we do most Thursdays, but we-a gotsta move on.
What can I do? I want to fuck with national, and hell, maybe even global, security!
Ah! Druggle, YOU will be in charge of the extortion. There ain't-a nobody better! Remember when you told me to pay you $25 or you'd release those pictures of my brother strangling himself in order to jack off?
Yeah.... And you didn't frickin' pay!
Yup, but you did what you had to and released those photos to the press... And then he-a went and committed suicide... Sucked on a shotgun after downing 225 sleeping pills... But that just proves my point.
Okay, I'll just unplug the mechanical boy and get him to help me...
NO! No no no no! Wait! I just found this webpage that will both disgust you and make you feel a bottomless shame while it makes you horny all at the same time! And you can laugh at pictures of actual retarded babies, human mutilations, and furfags all at once!
Oh-a no-a. Looks-a like-a he-a found /b/...... Well, let's all take a load off and just bask in the boy's lost naivety for a while. Oh! Click on that one! It-a has a donkey stickin' his-a wee-wee up a grown man's tuckus!
Oh! Hold on! Let me get my video camera out! I have to film the Princess' reaction to that beautiful video about the two lovely ladies sharing a cup o' love!
What, is it like a cup of coffee? Ew! You can get germs from sharing the same coffee mug!

Previous NESticision Topic

Next NESticision News TOPIC

Go Back to the NNews Main Page

This Page is a copyrighted Rossman Production. Though, of course, NONE of the characters are belong to him. They are all the property of the rich and powerful Japanese Yakuza (known as Nintendo Corporation), and neither the Yakuza nor the big N support this page or probably even want it up. The opinions on this page are not necessarily the Rossman's either (and they sure as hell ain't Nintendo's). He did create all of the graphics from memory and scratch and he is using them in a purely "satire-rific" manner, in order to be funny and make people laugh. So LAUGH, damn you!