Issue #11: Christianity Vs. Abortion Advocates

COUGH!!!! COUGH!!!! Oh hell, where the blazes am I? What's goin' on?!
 Well, sugarlips, you were about to unwrap your Christmas present for me and stuff it down my stocking.
 Jesus Christ, woman! Don't you ever rest?!
I think that we were about to have our annual Christmas Party. The whole Ataritor crew and all. Though I do get confused easily, so we might just be trying to kill that gay orange phallic symbol, Q-Bert, with a well placed plunger again for all I know.
 Fuck you, you bicycle pump loving fag! At least I have a schlong to get frisky with!
 Buddy, you're ALL schlong! Lord all mighty. When you sneeze you blow your load!! If you have a runny nose you might knock up any girl passing by! A nose plug is a condom to you!! Sodomizing bastard.
 *Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* Quit your bitchin', people.... and orange puds. We have work to do. We still need stocking stuffers, mistletoe, an angel for the tree, and a yule log. Now, since Q-Bert is a log, we can just use him for that last one.
 Har har har har-de-har har!! You jest in such an amusing manner, compatriot Yar. You zing-eth with the best of them. If Lord Q-Bert were not all penis and scrotum, and did indeed had-eth an asshole, you surely would have torn him a new one.
 So, ummmm, being Australian and all and not knowing a thing about this pagan holiday called "Christmas", forgive me for asking, but when does that blood-sucking demon named Satan show up and start the carnage?
 Holy crap! Who the fuck invited Kangaroo?!
First of all, 'Roo, forgive me for asking, but why the hell would a loser like you from a second rate Donkey Kong rip-off game actually think that he was invited to such a swinging shindig such as the Ataritor Annual Christmas Party? You need a special gold foiled invitation to even be let in the door!.... What the?!?!.... Who the monkeyshit gave you one?!
 Those little alien children did. I promised them I'd make them a pony if they invited me. Then I let them ride in my pouch. When they got out they were all gooey. It was disgusting for them, but I needed to be cleaned out anyway. So it was a win win thing for me. Plus I got them to touch me.
He made us touch him!!!
He used us indecently!!! Like Whoopie Goldberg uses her complimentary Hollywood Squares pen when she's lonely!!
I liked it...
 Aye caramba!!! Combat, blow that homo-marsupial's head off!!

 Roger, Harry!


 But..... I..... Have....... Ticket.........
COUGH!!!! COUGH!!!! What the hell was that noise?! Did I just shit my Depends again?!
 Let me check.
Ahhhhhhh!! Nope, still clean as yesterday's breeze.
 *Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* After that "bang" I think that Frygar might be the only one without soiled undies, but that's beside the point right now. We need horsey devors and milk and cookies ASAP! Otherwise who wants to explain to the gay little molested alien youth over there that the reason Santa won't be coming is because we were too damn busy killing and crapping to remember what the true meaning of Christmas is all about.
 You mean killing?
 *Sniff* Ew! Or crapping?
 It's okay, everyone. No need to worry about those Close Encounter rejects and their fragile faith in a giant bearded elf. I took care of it already.
 *Bzzzzzzzz* You bastard!! You told them the truth about Kris Kringle?! That's half the fun of growing up and trying to track his fat ass down to rob his crib in the middle of summer when he least expects it!!
 Well yeah, I told them, but then I killed them and snorted them. Turns out they were made up entirely of "space cocaine". Kind of ironic, ain't it.

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