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13 - 16
Through the Past"
names in BOLD are those that appear for the first time.
Go to the Characters Page
to read more about them.
13 ("Gateway Shuffle")
0917 Hyrule, Middle Earth (October 28, Tuesday)
The camera pans down upon a quaint medieval
village on a clear and beautiful summer day. In the town square
there's a large gathering of a bunch of locals in dirty and ratty
clothes and a group of about 40 pale men and women dressed mainly
in black. One of the cleanest villagers nods his head and reaches
forward to shake one of the pale ones' hands when all of a sudden
the sky rips open and tons of ESDF soldiers, MamonOni warriors
and Jovian Angels fall out of it right into the middle of the
assembly! Everybody on the ground is in shock, but none more
than Master Malaria, the pale man with his hand extended.
Guy Butrosbutros falls right on top of him, and in doing so plunges
a broken broom handle right into his heart, turning him to dust!
It's then discovered that the Time Dilators
from the time-warp of 2727 have been yanked back into the past
(0917 no less) and dropped right into the middle of armistice
between some freaky vampyres and the town of Hyrule! The villagers
flee in terror of the "warlocks from the future" and
the vampyres get pissed at having their leader (Malaria) killed
right in front of them! The Vampyre Paul takes command
and kills Tilly the Warrior Priest (who was the villagers'
main defenses against the undead brood) in cold blood! The Oni
Hot Damn is very impressed and licks her lips in lust.
then appears from out of nowhere and holds the vamps at bay with
her special Poo on a Stick defense/attack to let the dilators
escape. The vamps are only scared off though, when the Heralds
of the Goddesses, the Beast Triplets (Phalacia,
Rolls and Xenofobia) appear and make fire materialize
with two pieces of wood! The Heralds offer their help to the
time travellers (especially after Kyran says that she goofed
and that everybody missed the time where Zero, Yurethra and Tyler
landed by a millennium and that they'll need some heavy duty
God Energy to get back to the present!). The triplets tell the
confused travellers of the Quadforce. An ancient power
sealed in the darkworld that they might be able to use. Then
they disappear after they warn of upcoming tests to see if they
are worthy of the task.
It's at this time that infighting between
the Oni, Angels and ESDF starts up again between those who have
time dilated when all of a sudden two huge dragons appear and
attack the group!
Ahhhh! Mari Model-5 look out for the Fire 3 counter-attack! Quick,
Guy, use METEO!
After Caca and Jingy bravely and gruesomely
disposed of the fire and ice dragons, Nab got all in a huff and
left claiming that he could never work with bastards who "could
kill innocent flying beasts so callously like pig-f**k dogs in
heat" (once again a brilliant pun lost in translation).
A few hundred meters away from the group, hidden in the trees
is Do-It the elf. She doesn't know what to make of the
situation and decides to watch a bit more.
While the three future factions begin fighting
again a lone warrior walks into their midst and offers some help
and advice. He is Pretty Boy, one of the 467 legendary
Vampyre Hunters of the world. He explains the situation of the
land to the dilators and how the vampyres have cursed the countryside
with their dark, undead presence. They've slaughtered many a
villager and plenty of livestock over the years causing panic
and food shortages. But recently they've been subdued and their
leader (the ex-Malaria) was about to forge a peace pact with
the Mayor of Hyrule in order to "battle a bigger enemy".
Nobody but the vamps know what this means, and they wouldn't
talk until peace was settled upon.
When asked about the Quadforce, Pretty Boy
shook his head and talked of "legends of long ago"
and then left to kill off some more old friends.
The time travellers then agreed to unite in
order to strengthen their chances in returning to their "civilized
time" of flushing and vaporizing commodes, daily showers
and food without hair or pus on it. It is a bit uneasy, but they
all shake on it (considering how many characters fell through
the warp, this takes a good 7 minutes). Then Egg Girl
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Event 14 ("Toys in the Attic")
The Dilators are all working together trying
to find the source of some enchanting singing in the middle of
a huge forest (the singing sounds like Metallica's Enter Sandman
in Japanese). Soon they come across some old creepy ruins in
a stank swamp and find Tsukino sitting on a slimey rock
belting out the medieval muzak. Before anybody can find out anything
more about her they hear another voice, a little girl screaming
at the top of her lungs in fear! Once again they go running.
Soon some of the travellers come across a
small and rocky valley that dead ends a hundred feet in. And
at the end of it is Nab who's cornered a petite little man (who's
pissing his pants and cowering in fear). The "man"
in Minivan and he's a (pansy) dragon slayer. Seems he
tried to attack Nab (the smallest dragon he's ever seen) but
the flying ferret was just too much for him to handle. After
a bit of explaining and forgiving, Tsukino, Nab and Minivan join/rejoin
the now enormous group of time-lost adventurers. Then they all
sit down and wonder what they should do now (each apparently
forgetting about the Quadforce). They then wonder some more.....
and some more.
After the commercial break, a cute lil' elf
pops out of the trees and offers her help to the dilators. It
is Do-It, and she goes on to explain how the powerful Quadforce
came to be. Kami-sama made this powerful energy sealer long ago
and made the Golden Land to experience its lovely golden God
Energy till forever. But then some giant pig tried to steal it,
turned the Golden Land into the World of Darkness and then bad
things, George. Bad things. She then volunteers to guide them
to the Gates to the Golden Land (well, after Guy "pays"
her in his own manly way).
The Goddess Surd gives Dee-Dee
an order. Then after he makes his pizza run he is told to keep
the time dilators alive and away from the vampyres as the goddesses
need their help desperately!
That night, after meeting many more travelers
and getting them to join the gigantic party, the time strippers
go to sleep. They are woken up abruptly though by a shreik of
horror! They first think it's coming from Buffy and Priscilla
(who are in the middle of another cat fight in the mud [lots
of great fanservice shots here!]), and go back to sleep. But
then the scream sounds out again and they all go racing around
until they find Tsukino trembling in the woods pointing to the
bodies of 20 dead Faceless Minions! She says that she was just
out for a #2 when she almost tripped on the corpses. Next to
the deadies is a message written in their blood. It says that
he (the killer) did this all for Tsukino's loving attention and
that he plans to slaughter more innocents until she learns to
love him. Tsukino is flattered (man, this never works
for me) but freaked when she sees that he signs his name the
"Tsuki-maniac!". Nab eats the bodies and soon everyone
else goes back to sleep.
The next morning the travellers are awoken
by Ushiko and Umao chanting their love to eachother while dressed
in maiden and knight costumes. As they get ready to depart, Egg
Girl walks by again and Guy and Fein ask her what's in the damn
thing. She won't say a word and Guy starts to get a bit PO'd.
But before he can do anything, Dee-Dee the Vampyre Hunter appears
before them and says that he has been sent by the Goddesses
to guide them to the 3 Holy Ones' sanctuary (He doesn't know
what for, but nobody disobeys the Goddesses).
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15 ("Mushroom Samba")
Everybody's sitting around eating soup around
a large bonfire (Dee-Dee included) at night. They're all talking
about the good old days of the future and their trying to describe
with nutty hilarity the super-science of Star Ships, cloning
and flushing toilets to all the inhabitants of this primitive
culture. Master Chu-chu is terribly vexed that the world of the
future has no further need of "poo on a stick" with
such far-fetched weapons as "lasers" and "exploding
bombs of feces" (an Oni only weapon).
Without anyone seeing them, the Beast Triplets
sneak up to the camp and slip some 'shrooms into Do-It's soup.
As soon as she slurps it down she starts talkin' in tongues and
seeing things in rainbow colors. Everybody just chalks it up
to her being a "tree-hugging wood elf" until she stakes
both Buffy and Priscella (she claims that she did it cause they
weren't using enough oil in their half-nekkid wresslin' match
previously). Then she orders everybody refer to her as "Asbestos"
now! Everybody shrugs and says that it's a better name than "Do-It"
anyway and they think nothing of it.
Out in the woods, the Beast Triplets are sneaking
away from the camp when they stumble across a very steamy love
scene. Paul the Vampyre, from the village meeting before, and
Hot Damn are having a secret rendezvous and are totally into
Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean,
know what I mean?
Thank God the Triplets are horny cause we
get to see a lot more of the Vamp-luvin' action before they move
on @_@. Anyway, after they leave, another commotion is stirred
up at the camp. Some schmuck is being chased around by some really
cute chickie while she cries out "Daaaaaaaaah-reeeeeeeeeeeeen!"
at the top of her lungs. The dude being chased is Potato
and the chick is Sophia. They are (supposedly) lovers
but Potato doesn't want anything to do with her (our only guess
is he's really a closet "fan o' Dorothy" in denial).
It doesn't matter though for as soon as Ally notices the striking
resemblance between herself and Sophia she puts two and two together
and realizes that she's her distant ancestor!!! In pure disgust
at how floozy like she looks when she goes around flinging herself
at men, Ally pays a passing carriage to ship Sophia to the farthest
nunnery they can find. Then Drugis kills Potato (eh, he was annoying
as f***). To everybody's shock, Ally starts to fade away. Out
of the existance of time!
It is then that they realize that anything
that they do to alter the past can have dire repurcussions to
their future world (but since all the guys who've become infected
with STDs by Ally all get cured, they choose to celebrate instead)...
But then because she never existed and therefore they wouldn't
have known her and therefore wouldn't have known that she just
disappeared because of something she did to change history, nobody
*Sigh*. The next day, Asbestos is acting very
kooky and drugged out. She leaves the whole group far behind
her as she tears off into the forest to find some more magic
'shrooms. Then the Egg Girl walks by and Guy gets uber-pissed
at the little wanker.
Meanwhile, inside the Goddesses tower of power
(Diseased Whore Island in the Sky) the 3 Creator/Destroyer
Goddesses of the world begin a holy chant. Soon the singing
turns "metal" and we see a pentagram on the ground
in front of them turn bright white! Their Metallica rendition
brings forth a being from this light. It is Klink the Bastardd,
the ULTIMATE Living Weapon! The Goddesses all cackle together
(first at Klink's unmanly nekkedness) and tell eachother their
plan. Seems that they plan to change the Time Dilators into vamp
assassinating machines in order to kill all the vampyres of the
world because they are the Darkgate Sealers of the Golden Land!
With them gone the Darkworld will open into this one and flood
the Light World with the power of the Evilly Tainted Quadforce
(they might be alpha and omega, good and evil, but the Goddesses
find that Evil Energy is faaaaaar sexier than good) and then
they can sit back and enjoy the vibes forever (Goddessing duty
is tough and hard work dammit!). Then Asbestos joins them and
they all laugh like maniacs together (except for Klink who's
so embarrassed at being the Ultimate Living Weapon with such
very unmanly apendages. He cries to himself)!!!!!
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16 ("Brain Scratch")
Bratt tries once again to kill Drugis in a
Wile E. Coyote sort of way. After he fails miserably, the whole
group finds themselves in the nice and comfy village of Mobliz
and they decide to relax a bit.
Meanwhile, inside the Diseased Whore Island
in the Sky, the Goddesses' personal secretary, Sun Angel,
by mistakenly hears them brag about their evil plan. In horror,
she seeks out the Dilators to warn them.
Sun finds the travellers in the town that
they're in and blabs all. She tells them about the Dark World,
the Goddesses' plans and how the Vampyres of this world have
blood of the Golden Land in them from when one of their ancestors
long ago escaped and sealed the Dark World away forever (this
blood of the G.L. is supposedly why the vamps can survive in
daylight and it is unfortunately why the Goddesses need them
all caput!). Then the Goddesses appear.
Skull, Surd and Sugardaddy are pissed! So
far all their plans have failed! They order Dee-Dee to kill Sun,
which he refuses (he thinks she's got a nice rack). Then they
tell him a secret they've been keeping from him. They state that
his life is an oxymoron because he is half vamp himself!!!!...
He says that he knows, he's just a homicidal maniac who likes
to taste warm blood on and with his sword.
Then all hell starts to break loose! The Goddesses
conjure forth the ancient spirit of Lei-Hsien to devour
Dee-Dee's soul! After he walks around her the Goddesses start
to show signs of fear, but they gather their wits and call to
life a bunch of evil espers and scary looking demon-things (led
by Terri the Esperlite) to wreck the place! Then the battle
Anne goes straight for the Goddesses and learns about electricity
(and that lightning has 1.21 gigawatts of it per strike) the
Mari Model number 5 (with the help of Azusa)
starts bustin' medieval monster ass! Good thing she also takes
orders in German!
During the destruction and flying body parts,
Terri rips apart Sun and then goes to town on the town! She's
slaughtering villagers left and right and right and left and
up and down!! It's very gruesome :p. Body parts and blood (along
with stone and mortar) are flying everywhere!!! The Goddesses
are laughing and truly getting into it when all of a sudden Terri
stops. She notices a bunch of pathetic little kids sorting through
the piles of ex-humans to find a head or an arm of their mommies
and daddies. Terri is so moved by this that she denounces her
loyalties to the Creators/Destroyers and decided to raise the
orphans of the town herself.
The Goddesses fume, but soon a sh*tload of
vamps surrounds them from out of nowhere and they beat a hasty
retreat back to their floating sanctuary. After that, the Vampyres
(who heard what the Goddesses had said, conveniently enough)
team up with the time travelers and prepare their attack on the
Flying Whore Island. Before they do anything though, the Beast
Triplets approach them and warn them away from fighting the Goddesses.
They claim that they're too powerful for the mortals and that
they'll just die horrible horrible deaths or be turned into slaves
like Asbestos. After being told to "Sod Off!" the Trips
curse the humans and vamps and say that they will save the memory
of their ancestor (the dumb ass pig that screwed up the Golden
Land and turned it into the Darkworld was their Great Great Great
Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather) by smiting the
puny people!... but they leave right away (I guess preparing
to smite them).
Kyran claims that the Quadforce energy that's
just emitting from the Darkworld is probably enough to repower
the mini Time Dilation Compression machine she has to send them
back to the future. Just then Ushiko and Umoa pop up as a couple
of vampyres and spill out their love for eachother while sucking
eachothers' blood. Then Egg Girl walks by. After all the dust
has settled, Tsukino lets out another shreik. It seems that the
Tsuki-maniac has struck again! Has the world gone mad?!
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