Presented by Cobra Commander...
Because he cares.

"Welcome to the Rossssman Chronicle. Thissss is basically where you will find out any information about the Rossssss-*HACK!* *A-HEM!*.. Sorry about that, dear chaps. Dry as a mother-fucker throat... Oh, and that reminds me, if you are under 18 years-old or you find it offensive when you read profanity because you are an incredible pussy, then go away. This page, this site, this premise is not for you.

"So anyway, let'sss dive right into who and what the Rossman is all about, shall we. The Rossman was born a poor little pissssant in the Yankee North. Soon, though, after many (mostly illegal) adventures he found himself down in Georgia, doing God-only-knows what to the farm animalsss... But I digress. So, the Rossman then began writing shit on the internet in the year 1995 and soon began to think that the whole world gave a rat's assssss about his daily dealings with his evil robot, his fucktarded friends, and all his stupid as fuck emprisesss.... Which it didn't... The world I mean. Nobody gave a crap. Blunderersss! Foolsss!

"But the Rossman, being the genius that he was, didn't care and kept wasssting his time and our patience by making his website as Godawfully large as it is today. Now we all mussst suffer. Ssseriously, not even listening to Mindbender go on and on about hisss dream about that naked snake dude in that DNA strand is as tormenting as this shit!... But I digressss. Ssso, without any further ado, my illustriousss colleagues and I will give you a guided tour of all things Rosssss. Keep in mind that thisss site is evil. It will warp your sssoul and fuck you up even more than watching G.I. Joe the Movie 10 times in a row! You have been warned.

NEW STUFF "Aaaaaah, this most honorable page is where magic and mystical energies bring forth all New Stuff that most dishonorable Rossman produces for the world like evil oni spits out broken bones and feces of devoured enemies. New Stuff on Wednesdays, motherfucker!"

The Rossman Examiner "Within the depths of the Examiner you will find the answers to questions that you probably weren't even asking. It goes beyond the limits of tactful journalism and often bases 'facts' on hearsay and pillowtalk. Speaking of 'pillows', the feather ones at Flint's place cause me to sneeze like a rhino in heat whenever I touch them, which is why I always ride 'cowgirl style'. Yee-haw!"

The Daily Rossman "The Daily is the internet's gayest 'blog' ever created. Take all of the Livejournals out there created by LARPers, furry-lovers, and vankers who type out 'LOL' every third vord, combine their retardedness into one moronic entity and you vill have yourself the Daily Rossman. Every once in a vhile things here are interesting (like vhen the Rossman almost gets killed by robots or vild volverines), but most often the entries are more painful than getting your tongue stuck to Destro's face when it's below freezing outside."

Rossman Reviews and Ratings "*Hic!* Urp... The Reviews and Ratings page... *Hic!* It, errrrrrr... Ow fuck!!! Damn it Polly! I told you, no biting while your down there... Think 'popsicle'. It's all in the licking. Wha?... Yeah, the Rossman rates shit like nobody's business. Once he rated my COCK!... Har har har!... Nah, I'm just messin' with ya... My cock is too faboo to be rated by a cow-pucker like him... Yeaaaaah, that's it, bird... *Hic!*"

Retard's Digest "Yo, mo' fo'! What it is, with the gizz? The Digest is the place to be for retarded things through history. There's shit on G.I. Joe and animation that will make you crap your pants in anticipation. Or you could Learn How to Do Things and all that shit, there's just so damn much you won't know when to quit! Just try to absorb this eclectic collage, and always remember 'Body Massage'!"

Rossman Peoples "There are many evil persons in this world, and they're all associates of the Rossman. I am not one of them though. Even... Even if he asked me to 'hang out' with him... I'd probably still say 'no'. Well, unless I didn't have anything else planned you know. I mean, yeah, sometimes I do have to have my bionic arm polished, and my eye patch dry cleaned... But neither one of those tasks ever takes that long. I could still do something that night you know... Call me? Please?"

NESticision "Mmmmmmf mffff mmmfffff mmmff mmmmmmfffmmmmm. Mmmmmmmm mmfffffff mmfff mmmmmmmfff mmffffmmmmmmm mmmmmmm mmm mfff mmmmmmffff mm. Mmmff mmmff mmmff! Mmmmmmmmffff mffmmmmmm mmmmmmffmmmm mmffff mmmmmmmmmff mmmmfffmmff."

The Rossman Mailbag "Kemo sabe, this place to read letters written to god of plains, keeper of buffalo, mater of squaw, Rossman. Rossman diety of Spirit's culture. We no worship Quetzacoatl anymore. Winged serpent pansy compared to Rossman. Rossman saved village from-........ Ha ha ha! Sorry, I can't keep that up. I was just fucking with you. Anyway, amigo, the Rossman is a piece of caca grandisima who thinks the world revolves around his bizarre mind. These are letters, mostly 'hate' letters, from readers like you. Enjoy!"

YAMACSICO "Giggle! This is the greatest anime show ever!" "Tee hee! You bet! It's got violence, sex, tentacles, explosions and a god-destroying machine! WhoooOOoooooO!" "Oh my! Now, let's both get naked and rub each other down with KY Jelly!" "You're on, sister! Byeeeeee!"

"Sssso, there you have it. A quick little rundown of all the madnessss found within this sssite. The Rossssman is one sick mother, I kid you not. He thinksss he'sss funny, and that's what makes him so deadly. He'sss like taking that donkey dick in your old math classss who kept shouting out the lamest jokesss in the middle of the lesssson just to get some poor annoyed classmate to acknowledge his existence, mixed with Gallagher. You know, with that fucking pineapple-smasher routine that got old 2 minutes before he invented it.

"Anyway, in cassse you need more of a direction to find jackshit in this sssite, might I recommend the Rossssman's deep and insssightful looks into G.I. Joe: The MASS Device Sssaga, G.I. Joe Versus Cobra and the Pyramid of Darkness, G.I. Joe Versus the Movie and Logic, or G.I. Joe Versus Cobra & Serpentor (and Physicssss)? Or how about the evil article entitled Searchin' Sin City for the Seven Deadlies? Yesssss. Or you can Make Your Own Mongo Comics to annoy your peerssss. Or if you need help with certain bodily functions you can read all about How to Make a Baby the Rossman Way. Or, if you have a week to simply pisssssss away you might want to check out the Makings of an Über-Week article. Or jussst sit back and read all about the NESticision debate on Stem Cell Embryonic Research. Good God, thisssss page is just full of crap.

"Or hell, maybe if you gave a shit you can check out the two previousss main CRoss Roads pages Here (older version) and Here (Zelda version). Or just go to the older Guide to Living Life Right. It'sss pretty gay, but so issss the Rossman, so it's all good. Or just read the Clown Joke here. Yesssss, YESSSSSSSS! Sssssssssssss, the clooooooown joke.

"Ssso, that'sss pretty much all I've got to say... This whole site is pretty much too gay even for me, and I lisp like a flaming queen sitting on a sssailor's lap waiting for Priscilla Queen of the Desert to come on TBSssssss. Fuck it, Cobra has better thingsss to do than waste time taking over the faggier partsss of the internet. Zartan, bring forth yon porn!

"Cobra Commander out."