I first saw Stephen Chow's Shaolin Soccer
years ago. The only problem was I didn't know how to write a
review for it. It was almost TOO perfect. If I raved and ranted
about how high-larious it was, and sucked Stephen's dong over
how brilliant the script was you would have thought that the
Chinese film industry had me in their pocket with big bribes
of money and Chinese whores. And if I said that it was just
too weird and bizarre to ever be considered casual movie watching
material by round-eyed viewers you would have called me a racist
for thinking that my fellow non-asians were too stupid to understand
the pure brilliance of the film. You can see my dilemma....
Or can you?
Anyway, after sitting down with Team Greenwood
and watching Shaolin again, I decided to bite
the bullet and just go balls-out in my review of it. To hell
with you naysayers! Go! Now! To hell!... You heard me. This
is golden shit.
Speaking of golden shit, Shaolin Soccer
starts out with long term Chow collaborator, Man Tat Ng, as
"Golden Leg" Fung, blowing the game winning point
of a soccer match and then getting his priceless legs shattered
by an angry mob. We then fast forward a few decades and find
that Fung has become the lackey of his old teammate, Hung (who
coincidentally rigged Fung's career ending injury), who is now
himself a major bigwig in the world of soccer and the owner
of Team Evil. Fung, a broken and empty man, finally leaves Hung
after being mocked one too many times in front of the evil team.
But, all is not lost for the ex-Golden Leg as he soon runs into
Sing (the awesome Mr. Chow himself) and learns how kung fu can
change the world and make anything better.
See, Sing and his 5 kung fu brothers were told
by their martial arts master that they needed to go out into
the world and find a way to make the masses realize just how
great kung fu is. But all of the brothers, except Sing, seemed
to have lost their will to do anything with their skills, and
have gotten on with their lives... But each of them feels that
something is missing from their existence. Enter Golden Leg
and his dream to start a soccer team that will kick Team Evil's
collective ass. The rest of the movie is a very inspired underdog
sports story in which the outcome is known from the beginning,
but the ride is unforgettably funtastic. Yeah, that last line
sounds lame, but Stephen makes it work. Have you seen God
of Cookery? The Tricky Master? From
Beijing With Love? If he can turn those lame
concepts into feckin' wicked awesome movies then you just know
he can weave Shaolin Soccer into pure anti-shit
(that's the opposite of "shit", so that's good).
Now granted, Stephen Chow has had some INCREDIBLE
misses in the past. Some of his earlier attempts at comedy may
have had you dry heaving in your La-Z-Boy (such as the should-have-been-aborted
$60 Million Man and Royal Tramp
[which proved that you CAN have too many penis jokes in one
movie]), but he's learned his lesson. No longer are his jokes
"stupid stupid" (like transforming himself
into a really lame giant talking toilet and freaking out when
a woman with an intestinal problem comes charging at him...
Once again I can't make that kind of shit up), but he's learned
to make them "really fucking funny stupid"
(like after beating the tar out of a group of hoodlums making
the remaining skinny loser pay him ten bucks... Trust me, it's
twenty thousand times funnier on screen).
One more thing that I want to talk about (that
I was initially really pissed off about when I first saw Shaolin
Soccer) was that Chow got the ever fuckable and incredibly
gorgeous Zhao Wei to play his girlfriend in the movie, but he
buried her beautiful face under some of the ugliest make-up
effects I've ever seen!... On purpose! Yeah, she's pretty by
the end, but that first look at her pock-marked puss almost
made me want to hunt down Chow and kung fu kick him in the Shaolin
Nads for his crime against hot Asian chicks and humanity. I
mean, I would have done it if I wasn't such a lazy
arse. But I am. I'm not ashamed of it, at least I admit it,
Speaking of getting a kung fu kick to the nads,
that brought back some terrible memories of when my Screaming
Scooby Doos grade school soccer team had to play Carl's Pele
Ball-Crackers team for the tournament. I don't think my team
had control of the ball even once during the game, but Carl's
team controlled two balls at once on more than one
occasion. Christ! I'm sweating right now just remembering the
horror.... The HORROR!.....
So, if you like fun movies, go see Shaolin
Soccer. If you like well written, fast paced movies
with lots of action, go see Shaolin Soccer.
If you like to laugh your butt off while being totally and completely
kung fu entertained, go see Shaolin Soccer.
If you like to watch gay pr0n.... Go do that, but don't ever
tell me about it. THEN go see Shaolin Soccer.
Yeah, this kung fu movie was really kind of weird.
Most of the time I couldn't tell if it was being serious or
retarded. Just like the Rossman. I still can't tell.
One thing is for sure though, Team Evil reminded
me of my own soccer team when I was in 3rd grade. We were the
"Pele Ball-Kickers" and we kicked plenty of ball (we're
the reason it became mandatory to wear a cup in all kiddy sports
starting in the first grade). We would tear up the field as
we kept slide tackling opponents, and everybody on Pele's Ball-Kickers
kept trying to do bicycle kicks for their goal attempts just
to be as cool as the Brazilian wonderboy himself! Too bad most
of our bicycle kick attempts ended up connecting with the heads
of the players of whatever pansy team we were playing that week.
Near the end of the season most of our challengers forfeited
the games by never even showing up, and we Ball-Kickers ended
up just kicking the shit out of each other. It was a battle
royale foosball game, I tell ya! Not for the pussy of heart.
It was all good times, except for that one incident with the
coach's preggers wife, the flying cleated shoe, and the truck
filled with Gatorade that still haunts the dreams of some of
the wussies that I used to call "teammates". Lamers.
Team Evil ROBOT PEDRO
Hu-mans suxor. Yes, even flying, kung fuing hu-mans
are stupid creatures. In the future, hu-mans still cannot fly
of their own volition. Robots can. And we kill all hu-mans who
try to do kung fu too. Fuck you, hu-mans. Robot Pedro is tired.