 The "God of Badness"
ROSSMAN
Comedy movies, when they don't outright suck,
usually only connect with 1/2 of the people who watch them.
Things like Billy Madison, Dirty Work and
the Naked
Gun movies
are worshipped by some (because they kick ass), and thought
to be "retarded" and "immature" by others
(who are stupid). While flicks like My
Best
Friend's
Wedding,
Legally
Blonde and Six Days and Seven Nights (which
all blow donkey dong) usually only hit with the morons
who hated the
other examples.
Sure
there
are
some
wankers
who
like
all
kinds
of
comedy movies,
and there are others who like some from one camp, and some
from the other, yet not all of them... But they're lamers and
don't
count. Anyway, God of Cookery is definitely
part of the first kind of comedy; it's way over the top and
unapologetic. It's
the kind of movie in which you know for certain how it's going
to end, but no matter how many times you see it you will laugh
your rear end off and shoot milk out your nose even if you
hadn't been drinking any. Though if you like your movies to
be based in any kind of "real reality," stay far
away.
God of Cookery is a Hong Kong
chop-socky, slap-sticky film starring the almost always brilliant Stephen
Chow (who also wrote and directed the thing). Stephen, for those
of you not in the know, was responsible for the over the top
HIGH-larious Shaolin
Soccer a few years back. Well, if you liked Shaolin
you'll like God of Cookery. Same type of humor,
except the end is even more "in your face" and bizarre.
Yup, even more bizarre than that final game against the Evil
Team. Yes, I said it. The end to God of Cookery
is better than that of Shaolin Soccer. You'll
agree with me too once you've seen it.
Anyway, God goes a little something
like this: There's a Chairman
Kaga-type guy in Hong Kong who rules his
own food empire with an iron fist (pun intended).
He is the God of
Cookery. He is Stephen Chow. Buuuut, he's gotten a bit sloppy
lately and he's been allowing his name and face to grace
the packages of sub-quality foods and dining establishments.
He also seems to have lost his edge as the "King of Culinary
Ass Kicking" (that's my quote there), but he doesn't really care, just as long as he's still feared within his company and revered by his fans (even his ugly ones, who he WILL kick in the face if they try to hug him).
Seeing his weakness,
the God of Cookery's subordinates take advantage of his greed and bring the
king crashing to the ground while placing in his stead another
MORE evil Emperor of Edibles who is willing to bring more power
and prestige to them all. Stephen then has to crawl out of
the literal gutter, renew his foody interest and
revive
his
ability
in
the kitchen in order to dethrone his replacement and show the
world that there can BE only one true GOD!!
With the help of
some down and out, street food-cart dealers (most notably Karen
Mok as Sister Turkey, perhaps the God's number one TRUE fan)
he's
given his
chance as he reinvents the idea of "quality food",
and
trains
with
the Eighteen Brass Monks of the Shaolin Temple as they constantly kick his face in,
all in order to remake him into a true deity of delectable dishes. Then,
we are brought to the final Iron Chef-like
contest between evil reigning God of Cookery, and Chow's newly
focused and
refined
seasoning
skillz. This is when the greatest achievement in Hong Kong
comedy comes roaring and sizzling into the spotlight. The last
40
minutes of this movie will make you laugh out loud, hold your
belly
in
pain
as you
continue to fall into fits of giggles, rupture your spleen
with guffaws, and finally urinate your underwear and maybe
vomit all over your couch as you find that you cannot stop
giggling at The Princess of Taste's over the top performance,
and the angelic final decision and definitive winner of the
title "God of
Cookery." Whoop!! Just remembering it loosened my bowels and
I soiled myself yet again.. I wish I was kidding.
In hindsight, the first half or so of the movie
is silly and maybe a little hard to follow. It can't seem to
find its pace. It goes from kind of funny, to reeeeally weird,
to a bit creepy, to humorous, to "whoa, what the hell's going
on"... But the last half is pure awesomeness. Once the "Pissing
Shrimp-Beef Balls" are introduced (I can't make that kind
of stuff up), you'd better buckle your belly-busting belts
up and just hang on for the ride of your Sofa King We Todd
Ed lives! Yeah, Stephen Chow is great by himself, but team
him up with Karen Mok, Nancy Sit (the Princess of Taste herself),
and those 18 Brassmen and you have a comedy line-up the likes
of which the world has never seen before!!!... Unless you've
already seen Shaolin Soccer, in which case
you've already seen something like this. Just always remember,
the folding chair
is the perfect weapon, because it's a household item and legal, so the judges can't
do anything about it.
So, what
did I think of God of Cookery? Well, as you already
know I am one of the few people in the world who believes-..
Nay, who KNOWS that Chairman Kaga truly is a GOD already, and
a God of Cookery at that. So this movie feels like it was made
just for me. Thinking back to the horrific beatings that Chow
went through at the hands of those monks makes me crack a smile
and... Oh man! Better break open another box of Depends. Two
thumbs up from the uncookable Rossman.
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The Goddess of EVIL, SATAN
Heh. Every now and then I find myself amused
with the world of mortal cinema. Once in a great while some
humans will come along and make a movie so great and perfect
that it makes me almost cry... But then I remember that I'm
"sin
incarnate"
and have no tear ducts, and then I get angry, and then I start
trashing shit in a rage that scares the evil crap out of even
my most hard boiled hench-demons as they run for cover and
start screaming for their uncaring God to save them. May they
burn in HE---.... Oh wait. Forgot.
Well, Ishtar was the last great feat that any
worldly director has ever put to celluloid, but the God
of Cookery was pretty close. Pretty close indeed.
Anyway, Cookery, despite it's
less than savory "Heavenly" title, is quite funny. I did laugh
quite
a bit at the wonderful violence that fills it almost from start
to finish. And I'll tell you one thing, those brassmen would
make fine Hell's Gates Guardians. No man, woman, child
or even Jihadist would make it out of my domain alive... Errr,
or less dead.
I'm feeling generous today. I'll give
this flick a Satan Thumb Up. You know, if you're
a hard-ass all of the time on everything you review, pretty
soon people
stop reading your shit.
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Ungodlike KUNI
This film is incredible wonderful! I was absent
blowing to act of the Oscar-high, the magnificent pieces
of the system, and still "tight like herself" fingered
virginal of who's never even writing things! What a completely
and perfect Kuni package!
Stephen Chow is of one the best writer,
directors, and agents in the planet! And Asian of him too!
That one is why Kuni master love to man. But only in a way
non-sexy. Kuni never would think about the bendy of the laws
of the nature hardly to do "physical" of the love
of one';. That one would be incorrect and bad. Kuni is not
mistaken evil, just... Kuni also loves to him, if that also
does the helping.
Yatta! Kuni high five. Ultra
super high! Wonderful!!!
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