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God of Cookery

The "God of Badness" ROSSMAN

Comedy movies, when they don't outright suck, usually only connect with 1/2 of the people who watch them. Things like Billy Madison, Dirty Work and the Naked Gun movies are worshipped by some (because they kick ass), and thought to be "retarded" and "immature" by others (who are stupid). While flicks like My Best Friend's Wedding, Legally Blonde and Six Days and Seven Nights (which all blow donkey dong) usually only hit with the morons who hated the other examples. Sure there are some wankers who like all kinds of comedy movies, and there are others who like some from one camp, and some from the other, yet not all of them... But they're lamers and don't count. Anyway, God of Cookery is definitely part of the first kind of comedy; it's way over the top and unapologetic. It's the kind of movie in which you know for certain how it's going to end, but no matter how many times you see it you will laugh your rear end off and shoot milk out your nose even if you hadn't been drinking any. Though if you like your movies to be based in any kind of "real reality," stay far away.

God of Cookery is a Hong Kong chop-socky, slap-sticky film starring the almost always brilliant Stephen Chow (who also wrote and directed the thing). Stephen, for those of you not in the know, was responsible for the over the top HIGH-larious Shaolin Soccer a few years back. Well, if you liked Shaolin you'll like God of Cookery. Same type of humor, except the end is even more "in your face" and bizarre. Yup, even more bizarre than that final game against the Evil Team. Yes, I said it. The end to God of Cookery is better than that of Shaolin Soccer. You'll agree with me too once you've seen it.

Anyway, God goes a little something like this: There's a Chairman Kaga-type guy in Hong Kong who rules his own food empire with an iron fist (pun intended). He is the God of Cookery. He is Stephen Chow. Buuuut, he's gotten a bit sloppy lately and he's been allowing his name and face to grace the packages of sub-quality foods and dining establishments. He also seems to have lost his edge as the "King of Culinary Ass Kicking" (that's my quote there), but he doesn't really care, just as long as he's still feared within his company and revered by his fans (even his ugly ones, who he WILL kick in the face if they try to hug him).

Seeing his weakness, the God of Cookery's subordinates take advantage of his greed and bring the king crashing to the ground while placing in his stead another MORE evil Emperor of Edibles who is willing to bring more power and prestige to them all. Stephen then has to crawl out of the literal gutter, renew his foody interest and revive his ability in the kitchen in order to dethrone his replacement and show the world that there can BE only one true GOD!!

With the help of some down and out, street food-cart dealers (most notably Karen Mok as Sister Turkey, perhaps the God's number one TRUE fan) he's given his chance as he reinvents the idea of "quality food", and trains with the Eighteen Brass Monks of the Shaolin Temple as they constantly kick his face in, all in order to remake him into a true deity of delectable dishes. Then, we are brought to the final Iron Chef-like contest between evil reigning God of Cookery, and Chow's newly focused and refined seasoning skillz. This is when the greatest achievement in Hong Kong comedy comes roaring and sizzling into the spotlight. The last 40 minutes of this movie will make you laugh out loud, hold your belly in pain as you continue to fall into fits of giggles, rupture your spleen with guffaws, and finally urinate your underwear and maybe vomit all over your couch as you find that you cannot stop giggling at The Princess of Taste's over the top performance, and the angelic final decision and definitive winner of the title "God of Cookery." Whoop!! Just remembering it loosened my bowels and I soiled myself yet again.. I wish I was kidding.

In hindsight, the first half or so of the movie is silly and maybe a little hard to follow. It can't seem to find its pace. It goes from kind of funny, to reeeeally weird, to a bit creepy, to humorous, to "whoa, what the hell's going on"... But the last half is pure awesomeness. Once the "Pissing Shrimp-Beef Balls" are introduced (I can't make that kind of stuff up), you'd better buckle your belly-busting belts up and just hang on for the ride of your Sofa King We Todd Ed lives! Yeah, Stephen Chow is great by himself, but team him up with Karen Mok, Nancy Sit (the Princess of Taste herself), and those 18 Brassmen and you have a comedy line-up the likes of which the world has never seen before!!!... Unless you've already seen Shaolin Soccer, in which case you've already seen something like this. Just always remember, the folding chair is the perfect weapon, because it's a household item and legal, so the judges can't do anything about it.

So, what did I think of God of Cookery? Well, as you already know I am one of the few people in the world who believes-.. Nay, who KNOWS that Chairman Kaga truly is a GOD already, and a God of Cookery at that. So this movie feels like it was made just for me. Thinking back to the horrific beatings that Chow went through at the hands of those monks makes me crack a smile and... Oh man! Better break open another box of Depends. Two thumbs up from the uncookable Rossman.

The Goddess of EVIL, SATAN

Heh. Every now and then I find myself amused with the world of mortal cinema. Once in a great while some humans will come along and make a movie so great and perfect that it makes me almost cry... But then I remember that I'm "sin incarnate" and have no tear ducts, and then I get angry, and then I start trashing shit in a rage that scares the evil crap out of even my most hard boiled hench-demons as they run for cover and start screaming for their uncaring God to save them. May they burn in HE---.... Oh wait. Forgot.

Well, Ishtar was the last great feat that any worldly director has ever put to celluloid, but the God of Cookery was pretty close. Pretty close indeed.

Anyway, Cookery, despite it's less than savory "Heavenly" title, is quite funny. I did laugh quite a bit at the wonderful violence that fills it almost from start to finish. And I'll tell you one thing, those brassmen would make fine Hell's Gates Guardians. No man, woman, child or even Jihadist would make it out of my domain alive... Errr, or less dead.

I'm feeling generous today. I'll give this flick a Satan Thumb Up. You know, if you're a hard-ass all of the time on everything you review, pretty soon people stop reading your shit.

Ungodlike KUNI

This film is incredible wonderful! I was absent blowing to act of the Oscar-high, the magnificent pieces of the system, and still "tight like herself" fingered virginal of who's never even writing things! What a completely and perfect Kuni package!

Stephen Chow is of one the best writer, directors, and agents in the planet! And Asian of him too! That one is why Kuni master love to man. But only in a way non-sexy. Kuni never would think about the bendy of the laws of the nature hardly to do "physical" of the love of one';. That one would be incorrect and bad. Kuni is not mistaken evil, just... Kuni also loves to him, if that also does the helping.

Yatta! Kuni high five. Ultra super high! Wonderful!!!