 The "I Know kung-fu"
ROSSMANBefore 1999 Keanu Reeves was only known
as Ted Theodore Logan of the rock band Wyld Stallyns. Before
1999 Laurence Fishburne was most famous for his role of Cowboy
Curtis
on
Peewee's Playhouse.
Before 1999 whenever somebody mentioned "men in black" people
thought about government alien conspiracies and not computer
programs named "Smith". Before 1999 the only "matrix" that
people were
aware of was the Autobot Matrix of Leadership (which was a
good matrix to know). After March of the year 1999 all that
changed. Mostly for the better (I personally think it sucks
that the
world
will forget that Laurence was once the mighty Curtis... But
that's just me).
The Wachowski brothers gave the world The
Matrix,
and the world was happy, if not a little confused. The story
of Mr. Anderson (aka Neo), Trinity, Morpheus and Agent Smith
was huge, and twisty. The first time I saw The Matrix I
had no idea what the hell was going on. I wondered along with
Neo what the
Matrix truly was. When Morpheus told Neo that nobody could
be told what the Matrix was, that they had to see
it for themselves, he was pretty much speaking about the the
movie I was watching and not just
the machine-made world that most of humanity supposedly lived
in.
Anyway, it all goes a little something like this:
The world that we know (everything about it, from the sights
and sounds to the tastes and feelings) is fake (except for
our hatred of Barbara Streisand... That will always be genuine).
Well, it's kinda real in the sense that it exists, if only
in our
minds,
but it's not real like we like to think reality is. It's basically
a very complicated computer program designed to keep all of
mankind as happy as little lambs being led to the slaughter
house. See, the reason this program exists is because humans
are really just comatose batteries for the machines (who now
rule the world after an epic apocalyptic war with the nations
of
the
earth in which the final result was man blocking out the sun
to try and keep the machines' power source away from them).
Humanity is now mass produced in gooey pods and plugged into
the Matrix to live out their lives in ignorant bliss. But a
few people deep underground are still free (literally DEEP
underground in what I can only guess is a last ditch attempt
at a giant bunker built by the US during the great Robot War).
They live in the last human city of Zion (a dreary place where
everybody
dresses
in rags and goes to raves when they think they're going to
die). These refugees/revolutionists are trying their best to
survive and fight the machines. They believe it's their right
to. Because they cannot accept the thought that Darwinism is
nature's way.
Anyway, so a bunch of freedom fighters led by
Morpheus (Mr. Fishburne) and Trinity (Ms. Carrie-Anne Moss)
dress up in tight black leather and beat people up in the Matrix
in order to find "The One" (not Jet
Li, but Keanu's character,
Neo). The One is supposed to be the one to stop the insanity
and free everyone's minds from the computers... Despite the
fact that real life completely blows, but the fake Matrixy
life is pretty sweet. Seriously, the "free" people
live in the sewers, don't have any clothes that don't have
any holes
or grease stains on them, and eat reprocessed shit that looks
like creamed corn mixed with diarrhea for 3 meals a day. Buuut,
the Matrix dwellers live in a clean city, get to wear and eat
anything they want, and they can learn kung-fu really fast
if they so choose. So what if everything has a green tint to
it? To me, that's no real reason to revolt. But, Morpheus thought
otherwise. So he and his crew track down Neo, "rescue" him
from his digital confines and then juice up his mind with
some mad martial arts skillz. Then they meet an old black lady
who liked candy and can see into the future, and then Neo
learns to become an architect of the Matrix of sorts, and blow
evil Agent programs up by diving head first into them. Oh,
and he can now fly.
Then, after a few years, the machines finally
find out where the free humans' city is, and started digging
like crazy mecha moles. Neo, Morpheus and Trinity go back
into the Matrix so that Neo can do some more kung-fu on a
replicating Agent Smith virus, and then there's something
about a Key Master and blowing up a power plant. Then we meet
the father of the Matrix.... Oh yeah, if you haven't seen Reloaded or Revolutions yet you had better stop reading now. Sorry 'bout
that.
Anyway, the father of the Matrix (aka the Architect)
tells Neo that his being "the One" is really just
an anomaly in the system that happens every so often. He was
just one
of many "Ones" who have come and gone in order to
keep the whole dance going. But instead of making a pact with
the Architect that would save most of mankind,
Neo, in typical Ted fashion, basically tells him to go fuck
himself (and humanity in the process) while he runs off to
get a little poon tang.
Okay, now we're into the final act. Neo gets
a crazy idea to go to the machine city on the surface of the
Earth in order to convince the machines of something. In the
meantime, the machines finally drill into Zion and fuck
it up something fierce. Whoa... The Battle for Zion is truly
a
sight to behold. For you sci-fi freaks, it's on par with the
Battle for Hoth in Empire. For you non-sci-fi
freaks, it's like the Battle of Normandy, but with Terminators
and Robocops
playing the parts of the Germans. Shit! Could you see that?!
Imagine if all those fucking Krauts were really evil robots
from the future. The Allies would have been so screwed. But
it would have been cool... Well, if our guys didn't die and
all. Though I think the Japanese in WWII were really all droids,
but I'm writing a paper on that, so I can't share my facts
and reasonings and made up theories with you now...
What? The Zion Battle, right. So Zion gets nucked
up its futs but Neo makes it to the machine capital and shakes
on a deal with the computer overlords to stop the siege on
Zion if Neo cleans up the Matrix of the millions of Agent Smiths
that have ditched their original programming and are now taking
over every sentient being and program inside it, including
the old black lady seer. That's apparently bad. So Neo and
Smith
beat
the
living
tar
out of
eachother in one of the all time greatest fist-fights I have
ever bore witness to without crapping my pants (in all honesty
though, the only fight I ever did that was one I was personally
involved in... And that defense mechanism actually helped me
win). Then Neo realized that the only way to win is to...
Well, just go see it. I won't be a prick and completely ruin
the fun.
Fun... That's what The Matrix series
is all about. Yeah, it's kind of deep and all for a kung-fu
movie, but face
facts, it's no Schindler's List. It's really
not about making you think or philosophize about your place
in the world. The
Matrix movies are solely about cool visuals and things
blowing the fuck up. I'm pretty sick and tired of lame l337ers out
there who try to bash The Matrix now because
it's become popular. Honestly, if you asswipes were shown the Matrix trilogy
all at once years before anybody else had even heard of it
I guarantee you that you would run straight to the net and
start
typing
away to your circle jerk buddies that you had just witnessed
the coolest set of movies that you had ever thought could
have possibly been made. But now that your faggy family actually
knows about it and
thinks
that it's good entertainment, your whole gay world has been
destroyed. How DARE they like something that should only be
liked by you and your blowjob pals!.. Fine then! You'll just
bash it because anything they like is retarded. Just like N*Sync
and the Backside Boys and -- errrr, wait, bad example. They
really do suck... But you get my drift.
Oh, wait! I almost forgot to cover The
Animatrix!
Forgive me, assfucks. The Animatrix, for those
of you out of the loop, is a series of short animated films
that explore
the idea of the Matrix beyond what the films could do. Some
of the shorts are side stories that touch upon perceptions
of the Matrix program by following people who have had strange
and
unexplainable
experiences with either glitches in the system or the bending
of the laws of the place. Some explain some of the history
behind the whole Matrix world, and some of The
Animatrix stories
are lead ups from the original movie to its sequels. And the
animation is almost all uber-sweet (except for the last Aeon
Flux-like minifilm that just blows cybernetic dick).
It is truly amazing to see all the international talent that
went
into The Animatrix and realize that despite
all the high-level Japanese anime names that went into its
creation there is not
even ONE tentacle rape scene to be found on the whole DVD.
Not one. Wow.
So,
what did I think of the the world of The Matrix?
I find that I have to give it an Neo-riffic Two
Mighty Thumbs Up. It is an incredibly fun story
with lots of twists and turns and some special effects
that will
probably still be impressive for another 1-2 months. I
really can't separate all of The Matrix movies
out and rate them as individual
pieces since they flow so nicely into eachother and they
are meant to be seen as one full story. Honestly though,
yeah, I can see how some people bitch and moan that Reloaded could
have easily been edited down to about 30 minutes and tacked
on to Revolutions without missing much...
But I'm glad they spread it out. I'm glad that I have three
full length movies of such computerized magnitude to watch.
Screw you, naysayers. I love my Matrix!
|
The Reloaded DR. DAVEI think the person or thing that I most resonate
with from The Matrix is Agent Smith. Not because he's such
a righteous bastard, but because of what he stands for. He's
not the evil digital dickhead that the uninformed resistance
would have you believe. No, he's the most levelheaded being
in the entire story. All he wants is uniformity.
Now, before all you grandmas fall off your rockers
accusing me of communism, that's not what I'm talking about.
All I think that Agent Smith was trying to obtain was a little
piece and quiet. See, once Smith took over the entire Matrix
he never had to worry about cop sirens or fire engines wailing
and waking him up in the middle of the night on their way to
a stupid
human made emergency. Never again would he have to listen to
that punk rock music blaring from those portable stereos that
the kids like to carry around all over the damn place. Never
again would he be disturbed at the movies by assholes who bring
their
babies or ringing cellphones to the goddamn theater.
He actually did it... Smith achieved every elderly person's
dream. To have a world full of nothing but himself. He'd never
have to worry about finding a partner to play bocci ball with.
He'd always have buddies to play poker with, and he'd never
have to concern himself with playing too late and getting yelled
at by the missus.
Now, with Bob From the Future's help, I tried
to create my own Matrix to lose myself in and fill it with
nothing but clones of me... But something went wrong. Horribly
wrong. After no more than 20 minutes all of myself were cutting
loose and letting stinkers go that would each blind a grown
man by themselves. Now, multiply that by 20 million and you
can
see
the problem.
I mean, there was denser smog in my personal little city than
all of Los Angeles during the Puerto Rican Ganga Festival!
Not to mention
the fact that there was a run on prune juice just hours after
the whole program started. Damn you chaos theory!! The next
time I start my own Matrix it's going to be me and 19,999,999
clones of Glenn Close. She's still quite the cat's meow!
I think I'll give the Matrixes a thumbs
up. Good
ideas, just misused.
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