The One ROSSMAN
and his amigo, the One Wade
a good movie? I've been wondering this for a long time now.
I've pondered this predicament on many a sleepless night. And
I think I finally have an answer.
a good movie, you ask? Well, first of all you have to get Jet
Li in it. That's pretty obvious. You need somebody to kick other
people's asses for an hour and a half, and Jet's the best there
is at what he does. Next you need a really hot red head who
wears lots of tight outfits and just looks damn fine while she
just stands there next to Jet as he kills people with his bare
hands. Then you need a decent plot so that we can believe that
Jet is killing those hundreds of people for a reason (which
isn't 100% necessary, but it could only help the production).
Then maybe some hot on-screen sex. Or at least some female nudity.
So, how does
The One fare? Well, it does have Jet Li. And Jet does
kick plenty of ass in some of the coolest fight scenes I've
ever witnessed since The Matrix. It does have a pretty
girl in it, but she's only hot for one quick scene in the "evil
dimension" when she helps the "evil Jet" escape.
There's no female nudity and the plot is weird and has lots
of holes in it. Lots of holes. Big ones too. But in the
end the fact that this movie has Jet in it and he fights against
himself (in between the times he bitch-slaps cops with
motorcycles) makes up for a lot of the negatives.
The One starts out with Jet Li killing
Jet Li and it only gets cooler from there. Apparently there
are an infinite amount of parallel universes around, and a bunch
of those universes have already discovered how to jump around
between them all. What's weird though is that there are only
125 universes in which Jet's character exists in. I did the
simple math and figured that there should have been well
this one Jet Li figured out that if he killed all of the other
Jet Lis in the other parallel universes he would grow stronger,
faster, smarter, suaver and more manly. By the time we initially
meet him he's already popped a cap up 123 of his own asses and
he's able to jump 30 feet straight up, run 50 MPH, and punch
and kick people in the air and then punch and kick them two
more times before they hit the ground. He also gets to fight
hisself kung-fu style in a huge finale that takes place in the
same factory that Terminator 2's ending happened in.
Watching Jet fight Jet in fast motion is the reason that cool
computer effects were made! I honestly can't tell how they did
it. There's no cheesy Parent Trap split screen going
on. The camera constantly circles the two Jets as they fly through
the air and ryu-ken eachother in the most rugged attempt
to make a live action fighting game on the big screen.
One a great movie? No. Hell no! Is it a really fun movie?
Yes. Will you enjoy it? I dunno. Did you like The Matrix?
Now ask yourself, would you still like The Matrix if
it didn't have that much of a plot? Basically, that's what The
One truly is. With shades of Highlander thrown in
for good measure. And some Time Cop.
The Unfortunate One, KUNI
Yes!!! Fuck shit yes!! I am happy!
I am happy so I lick my dog! My dog is dead, so I don't lick
it real, but I still try!!
Jet Li is
the coolest cunt spit in earth! Do not try to beat his face
for he will make you eat cow shit. He is the One! He will do
it to you and super!
I am love
in The One. I love two Jet Li hit in the crotch! That
is the supreme way!! Hit him, Jet!!!! Hit him with the balls
and make him cry like squirrel baby!!!! Then Jet slap him back
in the other bitch!! YES!!! Holy fuck god I like 2 Jet!!!! Pinch
my penis with lips, bitch! Then you know!!
I am eternally
powered from The One with Jet that I go now punch Robot
Pedro and step on nads in pain!!! HIIIII-YAAAAAH!!!!
The Demented One, Dr. DAVE
shit my Depends again when I saw this movie with the Rossman!
It was pretty unbelievable. All of the amazing things that they
were able to do in this film blew my mind.
all, I have no idea how they were able to pull an evil Jet
Li out of "the evil dimension" so easily. And when
they finally got him over to our world, did they have to
how to fight like our good Jet Li? I mean, he was from
the evil universe (i.e. the opposite universe). Since
Jet Li here is a martial arts god, I would only assume that
the evil Jet (though evil in thoughts just as our Jet is pure
and nice) is a total pussy. He must have freaked out every time
his doppleganger threw a punch at him! Ho ho ho ho!! That would
have been a sight to see!
Jet Li: "So, I just stand
here? Is that what you want, you assholes?!"
Jet Li: "Yeah, just stand
there and hold your fists up. Just like that, good!"
Jet Li: "Feh! This isn't
so bad, you cock-knockers! But let's hurry this up because
I have to get back to my dimension to
watch the Rosie O'Donnell Show with my gay lover before he
tries t- HOLY SHIT!! You just tried to hit
me!!! You evil fucker!!"
Jet Li: "Actually, you moron,
I'm the Good Jet. Get it straight and get ready to get punched
through the brain for the camera."
Ho ho ho
ho!!! Oh man, that would have been priceless. I'm sure that
since the Evil Jet Li didn't know martial arts they probably
always just used him as the Jet who got punched, whether it
be the good or bad one.