 The One ROSSMAN
and his amigo, the One WadeWhat makes
a good movie? I've been wondering this for a long time now.
I've pondered this predicament on many a sleepless night. And
I think I finally have an answer.
What makes
a good movie, you ask? Well, first of all you have to get Jet
Li in it. That's pretty obvious. You need somebody to kick other
people's asses for an hour and a half, and Jet's the best there
is at what he does. Next you need a really hot red head who
wears lots of tight outfits and just looks damn fine while she
just stands there next to Jet as he kills people with his bare
hands. Then you need a decent plot so that we can believe that
Jet is killing those hundreds of people for a reason (which
isn't 100% necessary, but it could only help the production).
Then maybe some hot on-screen sex. Or at least some female nudity.
So, how does
The One fare? Well, it does have Jet Li. And Jet does
kick plenty of ass in some of the coolest fight scenes I've
ever witnessed since The Matrix. It does have a pretty
girl in it, but she's only hot for one quick scene in the "evil
dimension" when she helps the "evil Jet" escape.
There's no female nudity and the plot is weird and has lots
of holes in it. Lots of holes. Big ones too. But in the
end the fact that this movie has Jet in it and he fights against
himself (in between the times he bitch-slaps cops with
motorcycles) makes up for a lot of the negatives.
The One starts out with Jet Li killing
Jet Li and it only gets cooler from there. Apparently there
are an infinite amount of parallel universes around, and a bunch
of those universes have already discovered how to jump around
between them all. What's weird though is that there are only
125 universes in which Jet's character exists in. I did the
simple math and figured that there should have been well
over 150.
Anyway, so
this one Jet Li figured out that if he killed all of the other
Jet Lis in the other parallel universes he would grow stronger,
faster, smarter, suaver and more manly. By the time we initially
meet him he's already popped a cap up 123 of his own asses and
he's able to jump 30 feet straight up, run 50 MPH, and punch
and kick people in the air and then punch and kick them two
more times before they hit the ground. He also gets to fight
hisself kung-fu style in a huge finale that takes place in the
same factory that Terminator 2's ending happened in.
Watching Jet fight Jet in fast motion is the reason that cool
computer effects were made! I honestly can't tell how they did
it. There's no cheesy Parent Trap split screen going
on. The camera constantly circles the two Jets as they fly through
the air and ryu-ken eachother in the most rugged attempt
to make a live action fighting game on the big screen.
Is The
One a great movie? No. Hell no! Is it a really fun movie?
Yes. Will you enjoy it? I dunno. Did you like The Matrix?
Now ask yourself, would you still like The Matrix if
it didn't have that much of a plot? Basically, that's what The
One truly is. With shades of Highlander thrown in
for good measure. And some Time Cop.
In the
end I find that I must give The One 15 out of 20 Fighting
Points of Justice. Any Jet Li movie (hell, even Black
Mask) gets at least 12 just for having the smooth dude in
it. Plus, this one technically had 125 Jet Lis in it! Now all
Mr. Li has to do is work on getting people who know how to take
a cool concept (like 2 Jets beating the shit out of eachother
in a cool showdown where the laws of physics don't apply) and
push it to the nineth degree while wrapping a nice story around
it. With naked girls. Who have big ta-tas. | 
