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Avalon!  You deliver us from what is wrong!
Oi!  Guiness!
The Avalony ROSSMAN

Who here likes masturbation? Hands up, people. I want them up where I can see them... Okay, so who here likes mental-masturbation? As in stuff (mostly movies and other media) made to make you think and think and think in order to attain a higher state of mental being that just gushes upon you like a giant, wet spurt of water from a whale's blowhole. Anyway, the reason I bring up "mental-masturbation" is because today's review is all about the mentallest-masturbator of all time, film and anime director, Mamoru Oshii.

Oshii started off his directing career on the insanely funny anime series Urusei Yatsura. The episodes that he made were known for taking Rumiko Takahashi's (the original manga author of UY) initial ideas and just cutting loose with them. Sometimes his episodes came out bizarre. Sometimes they came out head-scratchingly confusing. But most of the time they were the funniest painted productions this side of The Family Guy. But then Oshii went ahead and got philosophical on us. He took the zany cast of characters from UY and put them into a thinking man's movie, UY2: Beautiful Dreamer. Don't get me wrong, the final product was great! But unfortunately the original author, Takahashi, didn't like the direction that Oshii was going in with her creation.

So then Oshii moved on to the mecha genre with Patlabor. Here he was able to make some pretty intriguing and involving pieces of mental-masturbation the likes of which the world had never seen before. Patlabor the Movie and Patlabor the Movie II are nothing but talking head films (barely any action at all, just characters thinking and philosophizing), high on the mental whacking-off dealie, but kind of low on anything else. But then came his cyborg opus, Ghost in the Shell, and Oshii made the world wonder what the human soul was all about. And some of us are still wondering. After helping write Jin-Roh, Oshii got back on the ball and put his personal spin on the world of online gaming with the movie you've come here to read about, Avalon. It was a long way to get there, but I did get you there. Trust me in the future.

Anyway, Avalon takes place in the near future where everything is bleak. Everything. Even the film colors in case you missed the sublety of the script. But I digress. In this bleak world there is an online, fully immersive, action role playing game (an OFIARPG if you will) that the government put on its "illegal list", but is just too addictive and fun for the youths to go cold turkey on. So they keep playing, and keep getting deeper and deeper into its world. Now, this ain't your daddy's Everquest, or even your big brother's SW Galaxies... Nope. This new OFIARPG is like the Matrix mixed in with World War II. You pretty much get physically jacked into the game and have to earn big ass points by blowing the total electronic shit out of giant tanks, double-rotored war copters, and enemy soldiers. And they blow up real cool like too! They all shatter into a million poligons when "destroyed". You have to see it to appreciate it.

The story of Avalon revolves around one of the best gamers logged into the game-matrix, Ash. Ash is a pretty girl (whom I originally thought was in her late 30s but who's supposed to be in her mid twenties... I think) who lives and makes a living by playing the game (the game is also called Avalon, don't get too confused yet). Ash used to be a part of a party of players that ruled the OFIARPG like a fat man on an egg salad sandwich. Avalon was pretty much theirs. But then one day their party, known as Wizard, disbanded and Ash went solo. Now her only interaction with live people is through the game, and her only interaction with anything outside of Avalon is with her beloved basset hound (the dog, by the way, is Oshii's trademark). Even though Ash is making a good name for herself inside Avalon, nobody knows her in the real world. She basically floats through life like a lump of crap down the sewers. A nice, big squishy piece of human excrement. But a cute piece.... Until one day one of her old Wizard buddies pays her a visit and tells her what happened to the ex-leader of their party while ghost hunting inside the game. Then Ash has a mission! Well, two missions actually. First, she wants to try and recreate the same circumstances that turned her old team leader into a real-world vegetable in some bleached out hospital bed, and second, she wants to find her dog that seemingly ran away. With the help of an enigmatic stranger (enigmatic means "shady" and "creepy", right?) she has a good chance of accomplishing one out of two of those goals.... Finding the truth out about her partner, you moron. Screw that damn dog. The dog is only in the movie anyway because Mamoru Oshii likes to fuck basset hounds in his spare time.

So that's that. "Doesn't sound too confusing," you claim? Well, that's just a quick synopsis of it after viewing it 3 times in a row. I could do the same for Urusei Yatsura 2: Beautiful Dreamer if you'd like. UY2 is about Ataru and Lum and the whole gang reliving the Tomobiki High school festival set-up over and over again without anybody seeming to notice the time slip. Until Onsen Mark cracks up and everybody finds out that they're stuck in Lum's dream. There. I just summed up one of the most confusing comedies ever written. That's basically what I did with my Avalon review above. I left out the torrid disorder of the script in order to leave you with some pleasant surprises when you eventually see it. And you WILL eventually see it, won't you. What I may have forgotten to add about Avalon however, was the whole point of Oshii's mental-masturbation in regards to his Polish-Japanese celluloid masterpiece.... And the reason I haven't talked about that is that I have yet to figure it out myself. Seriously. It could have something to do with trying to decipher what is real and what is a game... It could be all about the uselessness and wastefulness of war... Or Oshii could just be making fun of all the on-line lamer gamers out there who piss away their moneys and time while playing games that don't teach them anything but how to burn out their eyes and destroy their wrists with carpal tunnel. That's probably the most likely scenario.

So, what did I think of the sepia toned Avalon? I find that I have to give it an extraordinary 342.88887 out of 354.92231 Rossman points of mental stimulation. It is extremely well made (for only $6million too!), posh piece of Polish provocativeness. If you watch it thinking there'll be nonstop action, you'll be disappointed. If you watch it in order to stroke your mental capacity and question what is reality (done in a way that makes the Matrix look like Pokemon the Movie 2000), then you'll fall in love with it. The whole "ghost thing" was so well played and fun to watch! Oh, and the whole Avalon "negative world" completely flabbergasted and confused me the first time I saw it. I may have said too much...

More Powah!!
The Insane Video Gaming Freak,
KUNI

Below is Kuni's original, unmolested review. Yeah, pretty fucked up. Anyway, I ran the whole thing through Babelfish and the fixed-up translation follows. Enjoy!

Fucking shit titty cocks! Oshii movie confused Kuni that time more when first meet to my sisters super naked bath, it confuses this movie more from of the Kim Chi, is long and the bubble bath of boobies and bubbles is taken. As for me like incident of that bathroom rather than thing, titty wanting exactly, as for Avalon where I look at many times it is better as for that, many boobies meanings. Is my pants penis concerning? Of the Kiim Chi for the second time so to be hard the fair thing which is thought... to why is party house, however Kuni is still mixed up, Mmmmmm, Kim Chiiiiiiiii.

So, when as for me me Avalon in is it can thing, to look at that super premium movie then you thought! As for that you saw very easily. So I the plug of Playstation 2 of Rossman inserting, attach hanger to back section of 2 next next in the back section of my head and the other edge. First with I looked at everything! There was an Ash, there was her puppy! Well, I so was goddamn happy! I have exposed the Ash and her dog to become, next you intended probably to blow the fuck up! That is the Kuni happy day which says tiny poopy! But on other hand as for thing black profit, as for me can everything taste many of the blood of my mouth. Then I felt many of pain of mouth! The Ash so kissed to me of the Matrix I first thought which is not different then I exactly me always her, in order the image Kim Chi to practice in the night when I have known that she see, it started kissing. But with one side as for my tongue being broken, as for me you make my eye open. Then it came in the thing recognition which is not the dog Rossman the chair has been attached look at my mouth where and that it hits against the place and that the ash or am kissed to me. That house which PS2 where the wire Rossman after that am new at least in the land is burnt was not necessary to do the pay anything. Ha ha! !

Translation: My word! This movie confused me more than that time I first saw my sister, Kim Chi, taking a long and sensuous bubble bath. I'm hoping, just like that bath incident, that the more times I see Avalon the better it will be and the more sense it will make. Though Kuni is still confused as to why my pants are so tight just thinking about Kim Chi again... Mmmmmm, Kim Chiiiiiiiii.

So, I saw this movie and then I thought that I could be inside Avalon too! It looked so easy. So I plugged in the Rossman's Playstation 2 and then stuck a coat hanger into the back of my head and then the other end into the back of the PS2. At first I saw everything! There was Ash, and there was her doggie! Oh, I was so goddamn happy! I was going to get naked with Ash and her dog and then blow some stuff up! It would be a happy Kuni day to say the least! But then things got all black and I could taste lots of blood in my mouth. Then I felt lots of pain in my mouth too! I first thought that Ash must be kissing me in the Matrix, so then I started kissing back, just like I always practice with the pictures of Kim Chi at night when I know she is looking. But then my tongue was broken and I was forced to open my eyes. I saw the Rossman hitting my mouth and face with a chair, and I then came to the realization that it was not Ash or the dog kissing me. At least I did not have to pay for a new PS2 for the Rossman after his burnt his house to the ground because of the wire. Ha ha!!

When Kuni gets out of the hospital I'll have him rate this movie. Hopefully that won't be soon.

Rock it DOWN
The Metal Rockin'
MEGAPLAYBOY

Wha wha wha what the shit ass was that shit all about, homies? I swear, bizatch, that kind of mental stimulation is not what the MegaPlayboy be about, G. Yeah, I wuz down with the whole anarchy war bullshit, but then it had to get allllll sophistishiznit and fubar. The fuck?! Why you got to do that, holmes? You wants ta gimme a headache, mo' fo'?!

Shiiiit. See, this Matrix wannabee is not all it's wantin' ta be. Yeah, they's blow the shit outta lotsa things, and they's gots the mad computer graphics goin' on, but it made my head hurt like snortin' some mad blow off of some crack whore's ass, only ta be findin' out that it ain't no coke, and the ho be dead! Shiiiiiit, muthafucka! The movie got all ca-razy and fuck, but then it got normal and all get out only to get even more ass-spankin' anti-schway at the end with that whole "steppin' into the Wizard of Oz" thang there. I know I said this before, G, but what the fuck?!

Unless it be a porno I don't wantsta see some chickie feedin' her dog for 5 minutes! What the fuck?! I Give this shiznit a Thumb DOWN. Take it..