The Avalony ROSSMAN
likes masturbation? Hands up, people. I want them up where
I can see them... Okay, so who here likes mental-masturbation?
As in stuff (mostly movies and other media) made to make
you think and think and think in order to attain a higher
that just gushes upon you like a giant, wet spurt
of water from a whale's blowhole. Anyway, the
reason I bring up "mental-masturbation" is because
today's review is all about the mentallest-masturbator of
film and anime director, Mamoru Oshii.
started off his directing career on the insanely funny anime
Urusei Yatsura. The episodes that he made
were known for taking Rumiko Takahashi's (the original manga
of UY) initial
ideas and just cutting loose with them. Sometimes his episodes
came out bizarre. Sometimes they came out head-scratchingly
confusing. But most of the time they were the funniest painted
productions this side of The Family Guy.
But then Oshii went ahead and got philosophical on us. He
took the zany cast
of characters from UY and put them into
a thinking man's movie, UY2: Beautiful Dreamer.
Don't get me wrong, the final product was great! But unfortunately
the original author,
Takahashi, didn't like the direction that Oshii was going
in with her creation.
Oshii moved on to the mecha genre with Patlabor.
Here he was able to make some pretty intriguing and involving
of mental-masturbation the likes of which the world had never
seen before. Patlabor the Movie and Patlabor
the Movie II are nothing but talking head films
(barely any action at all, just characters thinking and philosophizing),
high on the mental whacking-off dealie, but kind of low on
anything else. But then came his cyborg opus, Ghost
in the Shell,
and Oshii made the world wonder what the human soul was all
about. And some
of us are still wondering. After helping write Jin-Roh, Oshii got back on the
ball and put his personal spin on the world of online gaming
with the movie you've come here to read about, Avalon.
It was a long way to get there, but I did get you
there. Trust me
in the future.
Avalon takes place in the near future where
everything is bleak. Everything. Even the film colors in
case you missed
the sublety of the script. But I digress. In this bleak world
there is an online, fully immersive, action role playing
game (an OFIARPG if you will) that the government put on
its "illegal list", but is just too addictive and
fun for the youths to go cold turkey on. So they keep playing,
keep getting deeper and deeper into its world. Now, this
ain't your daddy's Everquest, or even your
SW Galaxies... Nope. This new OFIARPG is
like the Matrix mixed in with World War
II. You pretty much get physically jacked into the
have to earn big ass points by blowing the total electronic
shit out of giant tanks, double-rotored war copters, and
enemy soldiers. And they blow up real cool like too! They
all shatter into a million poligons when "destroyed".
You have to see it to appreciate it.
of Avalon revolves around one of the best
gamers logged into the game-matrix, Ash. Ash is a pretty
girl (whom I originally
thought was in her late 30s but who's supposed to be in her
mid twenties... I think) who lives and makes a living by
playing the game (the game is also called
confused yet). Ash used to be a part of a party of players
that ruled the OFIARPG like a fat man on an egg salad sandwich.
Avalon was pretty much theirs. But then
one day their party, known as Wizard, disbanded and Ash went
solo. Now her only interaction
with live people is through the game, and her only interaction
with anything outside of Avalon is with
her beloved basset hound (the dog, by the way, is Oshii's
Ash is making a good name for herself inside Avalon,
nobody knows her in the real world. She basically floats
life like a lump of crap down the sewers. A nice, big squishy
piece of human excrement. But a cute piece.... Until one
day one of her old Wizard buddies pays her a visit
her what happened to the ex-leader of their party while ghost
hunting inside the game. Then Ash has a mission! Well, two
missions actually. First, she wants to try and recreate the
same circumstances that turned her old team leader into a
vegetable in some bleached out hospital bed, and second,
she wants to find
her dog that seemingly ran away. With the help of an enigmatic
stranger (enigmatic means "shady" and "creepy",
right?) she has a good chance of accomplishing one out of
two of those
goals.... Finding the truth out about her partner, you moron.
Screw that damn dog. The dog is only in the movie anyway
because Mamoru Oshii likes to fuck basset hounds in his
that. "Doesn't sound too confusing," you claim?
Well, that's just a quick synopsis of it after viewing it
3 times in a
row. I could do the same for Urusei Yatsura 2: Beautiful
Dreamer if you'd like. UY2 is
about Ataru and Lum and the whole gang reliving the Tomobiki
over and over again without anybody seeming to notice the
time slip. Until Onsen Mark cracks up and everybody finds
out that they're stuck in Lum's dream. There.
I just summed up one of the most confusing comedies ever
written. That's basically what I did with my Avalon review
above. I left out the torrid disorder of the script in order
to leave you with some pleasant surprises when you eventually
see it. And you WILL eventually see it, won't you. What I
may have forgotten to add about Avalon however,
was the whole point of Oshii's mental-masturbation in regards
to his Polish-Japanese
celluloid masterpiece.... And the reason I haven't talked
about that is that I have yet to figure it out myself. Seriously.
It could have something to do with trying to decipher what
is real and what is a game... It could be all about the uselessness
and wastefulness of war... Or Oshii could just be making
fun of all the on-line lamer gamers out there who piss away
their moneys and time while playing games that don't teach
them anything but how to burn out their eyes and destroy
their wrists with carpal tunnel. That's probably the most
The Insane Video Gaming Freak,
is Kuni's original, unmolested review. Yeah, pretty fucked
up. Anyway, I ran the whole thing through Babelfish and the
fixed-up translation follows. Enjoy!
Fucking shit titty cocks!
Oshii movie confused Kuni that time more when first meet
to my sisters super naked bath, it confuses this
the Kim Chi, is long and the
bubble bath of boobies and bubbles is taken. As for me like
incident of that bathroom rather than thing, titty wanting
for Avalon where I look
at many times it is better as for that, many boobies meanings.
Is my pants penis concerning? Of the Kiim Chi for the
second time so to be hard the fair thing which is thought...
to why is party house, however Kuni is still mixed up, Mmmmmm,
So, when as for me me Avalon in
is it can thing, to look at that super premium movie then
you thought! As for that
you saw very easily. So I the plug of Playstation 2 of Rossman
inserting, attach hanger to back section of 2
next in the back section of my head and the other edge. First
with I looked at everything! There was an Ash, there was
her puppy! Well, I so was goddamn happy! I have exposed the
and her dog to become, next you intended probably to blow
the fuck up! That is the Kuni happy day which says
But on other hand as for thing black profit, as for me
can everything taste many of the blood of my mouth. Then
I felt many of pain of mouth! The Ash so kissed to me
Matrix I first thought which is not different
then I exactly me always her, in order the image Kim Chi
to practice in the night when I have known that she see,
But with one side as for my tongue being broken, as for me
you make my eye open. Then it came in the thing recognition
which is not the dog Rossman the chair has been attached
look at my mouth where and that it hits against the place
and that the ash or am kissed to me. That house which PS2
where the wire Rossman after that am new
in the land is burnt was not necessary to do the pay anything.
Ha ha! !
word! This movie confused me more than that time I first
Kim Chi, taking a
long and sensuous bubble bath. I'm hoping, just like
that bath incident, that the more times I see Avalon the
it will be and the more sense it will make. Though Kuni
still confused as to why my pants are so tight just thinking
about Kim Chi again... Mmmmmm, Kim Chiiiiiiiii.
saw this movie and then I thought that I could be inside
Avalon too! It looked so easy. So I plugged in the Rossman's
Playstation 2 and then stuck a coat hanger into the back
of my head and then the other end into the back of the PS2.
At first I saw everything! There was Ash, and there was her
doggie! Oh, I was so goddamn happy! I was going to get naked
with Ash and her dog and then blow some stuff up! It would
be a happy Kuni day to say the least! But then things got
all black and I could taste lots of blood in my mouth. Then
I felt lots of pain in my mouth too! I first thought that
Ash must be kissing me in the Matrix, so then I started kissing
back, just like I always practice with the pictures of Kim
Chi at night when I know she is looking. But then my tongue
was broken and I was forced to open my eyes. I saw the Rossman
hitting my mouth and face with a chair, and I then came to
the realization that it was not Ash or the dog kissing me.
At least I did not have to pay for a new PS2 for the Rossman
after his burnt his house to the ground because of the wire.
The Metal Rockin'
wha what the shit ass was that shit all about, homies? I
swear, bizatch, that kind of mental stimulation is not what
the MegaPlayboy be about, G. Yeah, I wuz down with the whole
anarchy war bullshit, but then it had to get allllll sophistishiznit
and fubar. The fuck?! Why you got to do that, holmes? You
wants ta gimme a headache, mo' fo'?!
See, this Matrix wannabee is not all it's
wantin' ta be. Yeah, they's blow the shit outta lotsa things,
and they's gots the mad computer graphics goin' on, but it
made my head hurt like snortin' some mad blow off of some
crack whore's ass, only ta be findin' out that it ain't no
coke, and the ho be dead! Shiiiiiit, muthafucka! The movie
got all ca-razy and fuck, but then it got normal and all
get out only to get even more ass-spankin' anti-schway at
the end with that whole "steppin' into the Wizard
of Oz" thang there. I know I said this before,
G, but what the fuck?!