The Ripped ROSSMAN
Miyazaki envy can be the death of an anime director.
Just look at The Boy Who Saw the Wind: By
itself it's an enjoyable story. A bit trippy, but fun, in a
rainbow sniffing sort of
way. The only problem with the whole thing is how the
story is told. It's told as if director Kazuki Omori
thought he was Hayao
Miyazaki (director of Kiki's
Delivery Service, Laputa, and
Mononononoke Hime), and ran head first into
a wall several times before filming began in order to really
drive that desire
Yeah, I've heard that the story of Boy was
actually written a loooong time ago by some Brit, and that
it was only
animated recently (therefore, it came before anything Miyazaki)...
But I honestly doubt that the original author had this final
technicolor product in mind when he originally plotted it out.
It's very obvious (from the way the villains are portrayed,
the forgotten powers of the past are remembered, and the friendships
are formed) that the director took detailed notes of Laputa,
Castle in the Sky, and then put everything he learned/stole
into telling the story of the Wind Boy. Only he just missed
the formula by that much.
Okay, let me get into the meat and potatoes of
the whole thing. A loooooong time ago man could fly. He could
see the wind and ride it like the X-Men's Storm fucking a tornado...
All wild and sexy-like. But soon man forgot about the wind
and began getting greedy. We're told that because humans "wanted
more" food and possessions and stuff that they weighed
down their pockets and became too heavy to fly... Hey, I'm
with it at this point, just wait.
Anyway, the Golden Snake
Brigade soon came into power (ride the snake), and
began conquering the world. Then they wanted big bad weapons
to do it faster.
Amon (the main character who's a boy despite the fact that
he looks like an ugly girl in all his close ups) and his mom
and dad are basically the Golden Snake Brigade's bitches. Amon's
dad is the chief weapons scientist in the country of the Ssssssnake
and he discovers that Amon has the power of "light play"....
Which means that he can go all hippy trippy and cause light
and shit. And obviously this light can fuel big bad weapons
of war. Do you see where this is going? Well, Amon's pop doesn't
want his androgynous boy to become a power source for the military
(why I have no farking clue, as he wasn't against creating
horrendous weapons of mass destruction for an uncaring military
first place. But I guess he just didn't want anybody else to
share in his glory), so he burns his lab down and runs off
with the fam. But the Golden Snake doesn't like that and they
kill ma and pa and capture the boy anyway. Amon soon escapes
from the Snake (and his dad's treacherous bitch assistant)
by jumping out of a very high in the sky Snake blimp (if you
didn't feel you were in a Miyazaki wannabe flick before, this
would definitely flip that mental switch for you). With the
help of a talking eagle (wha?), Amon quickly learns to fly
himself and then meets a giant bear/giant sloth creature who
tells him all about the ancient people who used to be able
to fly... Just like he just did. Then the creature gives
Amon an ocarina (seriously, what the fuck is the fascination
that the Japanese have with ocarinas?).
Christ, then it gets even more bizarre. Amon
does some stupid stuff and ends up in a coastal town where
he meets a girl (who looks like an ugly girl in all
her close ups... Hmmm, come to think about it, the character
kind of shitty at his job. All his "cute" designs
really suck). This girl is strong and knows how to ride the
water with the
help of animal friends, but don't read anything into that.
They don't really hit on the yin-yang relationship between
water/wind and fish/birds that Amon and Maria (the fugly girl)
have. In fact, they soon blow the living tar out of the whole
coastal village and kill all the characters that we just met
and never learned to care for faster than you can say "Faster,
Pussycat!" As a matter of fact, that was one thing that
really confused me about this movie: the switching between "light
childhood adventure" story to "all out blood and
guts kill 'em all" drama in the blink of an eye. The
Boy Who Was Trippin' to See the Wind would get a hard
PG13 or an R rating if it ever got
released in the States. Not really for the kiddies.
Where was I? Oh yes, the Village of the Dolphins
is leveled and Amon and Maria then head back to Snake City
(Why? I have no idea) and then some tangled storytelling occurs
and the bear/giant sloth thing gets incinerated, and then the
big ending happens. Now, this "big ending" (as they
were sure to have called it) is kind of big, but reeeeeeally
man. Seriously, the citizens of the Snake coup d'tat I got,
but everything after that ominous gunshot (see the movie if
you want to know) is just a mindtrip and
a half. It's
they wanted to do the typical Miyazaki ending, but then halfway
into it said, "Whoooooa, man! Like, wouldn't it be groovy
and funktastic if we like made it all spiritual in the end
though there was no lead up to that kind of finale at all in
the first 120 minutes of the movie? That would be like wiiiiiiild,
Looking back on it with sober eyes now, it is just beyond comprehension.
The ending to this thing is just so weird... Not even in an
End of Eva weird where you were expecting it. Just a weird weird
that defies the laws of logic and pleasant storytelling.
Not to say that The Boy was a bad movie. I want
to make it clear that it was okay. Not great, but fairly enjoyable.
It was obvious what they were trying to do with it, but also
obvious that they just didn't have the talent to reach the
high mark of excellence that they were reaching for. And that
ending... Seriously, that was more bizarre than FLCL's
conclusion. Just not as funny. And no hot alien chick on a
The Windy DOCTOR DAVE
Ummmm, was I supposed to be taking notes during
that? I think I kind of got a bit confused while watching this
thing (too many ugly girls running around and flying with
golden sparkles) and missed the point. Did they say that humans
could and can fly? Because that's a load of cow patties if
I've ever heard one.
First of all there's the whole "wings" issue.
No, not Paul's band from back in the day... And most definitely
not that crapfest show with Antonio the cab driver. No, I mean
man doesn't have wings. Sure, I've been known to graft
a pair of feathery or leathery wings onto the back of the closest
baby I could find, but that only drove them into mad killing
Flying mad killing sprees where dirty diapers rained
down on the masses like unholy dirty bombs from above. But
just went to prove that man was never meant to fly.
Sure, I've tinkered with Bob From the Future's
anti-gravity gun and tried to merge anti-gravity particles
with human DNA with unholy results. But that only produced
evil creatures from another dimension that craved baby intestines
(Hmmmm, it all goes back to babies, doesn't it), not flying
And then there was the part of the tale in which
they tried to tell us that anybody who wants to rule the world
is automatically evil. Why, back when I was first starting
out in the mad scientist biz I caught the bug to build a doomsday
device in order to get the world leaders to call be "daddy"
just once in unison. I learned my lesson (mostly that if you
get all the leaders on one video phone call at the same time
not wearing any pants, don't let the camera show you below
the waist), but that doesn't make me evil. I hate it when all
mad men are lumped into one all encompassing category of badness
just because the writer has a small mind. Screw them all!
The Boyish SKIPPER
Arrrrrrrr. This movie would be the death of me
if me mates and I didn't steal all that Aztec gold way back
when and get cursed to never taste mead again fer the rest
of me days. Arrrrrrrr.
Seriously, I put a bullet in me own head about
halfway through this tale of treason and testicular cancer...
But to no avail. I even asked the Rossman to somehow
snuff me out so that the movie would not own me soul, what
deformed children and their gay little way of flyin' through
the skies like seagulls lookin' fer a place to shit upon. But
I think the Rossman misheard me and instead tried to make a
"snuff film" that revolved around me anus and me own pegleg,
co-starring a parrot and a hooker with no left eye. Arrrrrrrr.
If I did go that way, I don't know whether I'd be happy or