 The Battle
ROSSMANSometimes you just feel the need to sit down and
relax with a fun show that doesn't require too much thinking.
You know, when your brain's all numb from too many overly intelligent
series in a row (like RahXephon,
Planetes and FullMetal
Alchemist), and all you want or need is to watch a
bunch of cute animated girls in tight outfits running, swimming,
jumping, and bouncing around in heated competition. It is for
breaks like these that the geniuses at AIC created the Battle
Athletes Original Video Animation and TV series. May
they go forth, be bountiful and multiply so that their numbers
soon equal the number of grains of sand on all the beaches in
the world!
I had my first taste of Battle Athletes
way back in the summer of 1997 at Anime Expo. The BA
OVA was shown on the in-room anime channel and I gave it a quick
shot, and then I ran down to the dealers room to pick up some
Mononoke Hime bootleg soundtracks before that
closed (eh, the TV was unsubbed and confusing.. I confuse easily).
It wasn't until a few years later when the TV series (that followed
the OVA) had been released in the States, and had been marked
down to $14 a disc, that I really decided to give the whole
girly-sports show another try. And even then it was only because
an ass load of online lamers were spitting out over-emotion-filled
(and almost dirty) haikus about the BA phenomenon
that I thought it might be worth my time and money. I followed
the lamers' advice and first got the 26 episode TV series, Battle
Athletes Victory, and then soaked up the whole thing
in about three days. I was amazed at the funness of it all,
and at the same time I was confused as to how it could have
gone under my radar for so long! It was brilliant! The use of
sports, cute girls, tragedy, triumph, major plot twists... Everything
was pretty close to perfection. So then I went out and bought
the original BA six episode OVA figuring that
the original story must be even better. And well, eh,
it was good, but it did not compare to BAV.
Let's get down to brass tacks.... Brass monkey?
Whatever. BA (both OVA and TV) is all about
Akari Kanzaki and her attempt to become the next Cosmo Beauty
in the year 4999, when humanity has colonized the solar system
and beyond, and men and women have honed their bodies into physical
perfection. The Great Competition is the showcase of the bestest
female bods in the universe, but the contestants are not judged
on curves and evening wear. Instead, the winner of the Great
Competition (herefore known as the Cosmo Beauty) is the fastest,
most coordinated and least fatigable woman at the University
Satellite. And the rivalry is FIERCE. Both BA
and BAV (BA being the original
OVA and BAV being the retold TV version...
Keep up with me here) have the same general storyline (Akari,
daughter of the greatest Cosmo Beauty of all time, Tomoe Midoh,
tries her best to release her inner potential while making new
b.f.f.'s and fighting off strong willed [sometimes insane] challengers),
but the TV series has a much longer run in which to study Akari
and her place in the world. That extra time is much appreciated.
See, the original OVA is only 6 episodes long.
Combined that's only three hours of storytelling. The TV series
is like thirteen hours long. Because of that there
are some major changes to certain characters and subplots, and
while not all of the changes are for the best, they're completely
understandable. Think of it this way: Say somebody gives you
a day pass to go to Disney World. You're all like "Fuckin'
A!" And you go and enjoy the shit out of it. But then,
a few months later the same person comes back and says, "You
liked that day in Disney World so much that we decided to give
you a whole WEEK in Epcot, MGM Studios, that gay Disney Safari
Place, Universal Studios - Islands of Adventure, and a whore
house of your choosing!!" Sure, you may be a little sad
that you didn't get to go back to the original Disney World
theme park, but you get sooooo much more new fun stuff
instead. Even if you picked up some crabs from that house of
ill repute.
Okay, you know the general plots of BA
and BAV (anything more would ruin some of the
really fun surprises inside), now I'll tell you about the changes
between the two and why they needed to be made. First of all,
the most major of changes goes to Akari Kanzaki herself. Ms.
Rabbit-haircut has the most altered personality of everyone
involved when comparing her BA and BAV
characters, but this change was also the most necessary and
understandable. In the original BA, we meet
up with Akari as she, and her fellow athletesses travel to the
giant University Sports Satellite to begin their training for
the last leg of the Cosmo Beauty competition. Akari is already
battle hardened (well, sort of) and very determined to win.
In contrast, in BAV we first meet up with Akari
as she struggles to even make it past the mid-point of her first
academic/sportly semester at the Antarctic Training School.
She's very timid and seems to only be there because of a promise
made to her dying mother. She has no real desire to be the Cosmo
Beauty. It isn't until she meets fellow Japanese battle athlete,
Ichino (aka "It-chan"), that she finds a reason to
be all she can be, and turn herself into an army of one. Then
she gets serious in order to make it to the Satellite with It-chan,
and hopefully have one of them make it to the highest crowning
point. Well, needless to say lots of good and bad stuff happens
along the way (Akari is kicked around by some more senior students,
wonders if she truly has the potential for anything inside of
her, and has to decide who she really is fighting for before
the Antarctic Training School Final is given). None of this
Earth-side stuff is in the OVA. Nothing that happened to Akari
previous to the Satellite is even mentioned in the OVA. And
the biggest crime of the OVA is that there is barely ANY Jessie
Gurtland to be found in it. Jessie is so fucking fine, and she
really only gets a chance to shine in BAV.
And, in all honesty, she's the real reason Akari even made it
to the University Satellite in the first place (this is kinda
hinted at in the OVA, but made perfectly clear in the TV continuity).
Anyway, due to massive time limitations, the OVA
starts halfway through Akari's quest for the title. Understandable.
Also due to time limitations is the fact that barely any of
her and her teammates' training in the Satellite is shown (this
is really sucky considering this is a sports show,
and the whole point of a sports show is to see the main character
improve gradually over the course of the telling). We see her
arrival, midterm and then final... You're kind of left wondering,
dude, WTF? It's like watching Rocky Balboa being the enforcer
early in the first movie, then jumping straight to see him fight
Mr. T in Rocky III, and then flying directly
to the final bout against Draco in Rocky IV.
You just sit there thinking, "How the shit did this stallion
guy get so damn good?" But I digress.
BAV takes its time introducing
the main and secondary characters, and it has the time to allow
us to meet even more people than BA's already
semi-large athletic class. But perhaps the most notable (and
possibly coolest anime character of all fuckin' time)
makes his only appearance in the BA TV series:
Mister Miracle. Miracle is a chocoholic with a passion for molding
potential Cosmo Beauties into pure pedigreed pieces of perfection.
He's already shaped more than a half dozen Cosmo Beauties, but
can he do anything for Akari? Hell, will he even choose to help
Akari? You'll just have to watch to see if any of his miracles
take place (and he will make you say "Ah!" twice before
it is through).
Let's see, other than those left out or barely
even touched upon from one version of BA to
the other, I would like to point out that the personality changes
to most of the other athletes and faculty of BAV
are a major improvement over the original BA.
Grant Oldman (headmaster of the University Satellite) is 10Xs
cooler in the TV series. Myllandah is INFINITELY better in BAV
too. In the original she really just comes off as a high school
cheerleading bee-yatch with a bone to pick with whoever tells
her she's not two snaps up. In the TV series she's simply and
completely PSYCHO. And she's a major threat to those that cross
her. Lahrri is also less human and more of "the perfect
sports machine" in BAV than in the original.
Tanya is more bouncy and fun (and more likeable), Kris Christopher
is less perfect, and therefore more understandable, and Anna
is not a... Well, let's just say that even though Anna has a
big secret in both BA and BAV,
her secret in BAV is much less frightening.
But the biggest difference between the two stories
would have to be the reason for the University Satellite and
ultimately the Great Competition. BA makes
it out to be like the Olympics of today's world, but fails to
explain why only women participate. BAV tells
us that everything happens for a reason. And the payoff (while
a little silly) is oh-so-much more enjoyable. There are so many
more peaks to climb in the TV series! You feel Akari's fatigue
as she ascends, hand over hand to each new challenge, and you
fully understand her grief when she fails. So, while Battle
Athletes the OVA is a fun, short exercise (heh, GET
IT?!?!), I would recommend you watch Victory
first, and then go back to the original. The way certain twists
are played out in Victory is much much much
more fulfilling than in its predecessor. It's so much better
to be surprised with the TV series' path.
So, what did I think of Battle
Athletes and BA Victory? Fun fun fun fun! BA
gets a good solid "B", and BAV gets
a good solid "A". They're both good rides,
but if you have to choose between them or choose one to watch
first, choose the TV series. Man, this stuff is almost as good
as that tape of Foxy Boxing that the MegaPlayboy
brought over last week!
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The Victorious Sister JAIMEFINALLY! A show about Girl Power that doesn't
all out stink! Unlike that terrible Princess
Baseball show I saw a while ago, this one delivers. Seriously,
I was totally rooting for Atari to win win win in every competition
she participated in. And boy did she participate in a lot! She
did soccer, running, swimming, lacrosse, pole vaulting, midget
wrestling, horse punching, log rolling, pie eating and bitch
slapping! Oh wait, were some of those from MXC?
Sorry, but you get the point.
Atari was pretty cool for a heroine. Sure, she
was a bit of a crybaby at first, but that's understandable.
She was an only child who was kinda spoiled by her mom growing
up which turned her into a bit of a wuss who would burst into
tears at the first insult slung her way just like that pussy-bitch,
Jenna Thaxton, on the dance team who used to act like she was
the cat's meow when she was really just kitty litter! That's
right, you heard me, Jenna! You complete BITCH! What was wrong
with you?! You'd get all up in my face and be like "What's
WRONG?! Don't you know I'm the Queen of Crap?!" But then
you'd crumble like a lesbo cookiee as soon as anybody queefed
in your direction! Hah! You whining sack! I'm glad Bobbie dumped
you after giving you the clap at the prom! You sooooo deserved
that!
I'm going to have to give Battle
Girls a thumbs up. It was a lot of fun. Made me remember
my high school days with fondness.
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