Princess Nine

The "NEIN" ROSSMAN

People ask me all the time, "Rossman, all you really do is praise every movie and anime that you ever review! Don't you think that's fucked up?" To which I usually answer with a fist thrown in their faces brought on by Blind Canadian Rage. But my real answer is, "No, that's not really fucked up. YO MOMMA be really fucked up, but not my review style mad skillz." See, I usually go into movies and anime wanting to like them. It takes quite a bit for me to actually leave with a bad taste in my mouth and eyes. "How much does it take for the Rossman to actually NOT like something?" you ask? Well, it takes just about as much as Princess Nine can dish out.

Princess Nine. The story of a tomboy-girl who likes to play baseball as much as her famous pro-ball father did. She gets a full scholarship to go to some Chilton-like academy to help start up an all female baseball team made up of the scrunge of society (you know, the usual assortment of dykes, tough gals, fat girls, basket-case girls, bubbly girls and pretty-but unhappy girls). Oh, and then there's the tomboy's main rival (in both athletics and love).

You might ask yourself why this school starts an all girls baseball team when it already has the best boys team in Japan?... Or then again you might not. But it's because the stiff bitch in charge of the school had a mad boner for the tomboy's dad (when he was still alive) and then some drunk coach did something and... Oh hell! Who gives a shit! Nothing in this putrid pile of baseball mockery made any goddamn sense!!

Girls signed up for this team for the stupidest reasons that ever came sliding out of any writer's retarded ass. The drunk coach liked the tomboy's widow-mother, which is why he went lolita-chasing that red-head on the team, while the two main rivals fought over that closet-fag guy who called the lead heroine "Ganmo-chan" over and over again for the sole reason of pissing me off! Why nobobody Al Capone'd him with a bat to the back of the head I'll never know! Then there was the freak-chick who thought that her keychain was an alien (don't ask) and the smart and unsexy girl who had to hide her identity from her father in order to play... but when she was found out it didn't matter in the least. Nothing that was done in this show mattered in the least! I think there was some kind of scandal about the tomboy's dad at one point, but it was so completely meaningless that I blanked it out of my memory by means of heavy drinking. Even the last few episodes when we actually got to see the girls play ball against all the male teams in Japan I just felt like, "yeah, so?" Some cool stuff happened (like good plays that defied the laws of Newton and Einstein), but it all turned into a smorgasbord of mongoloid emotions due to the fact that the tomboy and the re-re guy she liked were having a Three's Company styled misunderstanding (even though he really did cheat on her). Plus (and I'm going to ruin the whole end of the series here in a big spoiler), the girls don't even make it to the fucking championship, which was the main point of the whole story in the first place! The Chairwoman of the school said that they would make it there! And they didn't! And it's all because the tomboy was a retard. Man, I hope her teammates lynched her ass after the game. They so could have won if she kept her mind on the game and her unrequitted lust in her pants.

If you noticed, I didn't use any of the characters' names in the above synopsis/ramble. That's because I couldn't remember any of them. Other than what that cockfuck jock kept calling the main protagonist (i.e. the eternally grating "Ganmo-chan"), not one of their names stuck in my brain. This is for the best, because even though some people were likeable, the morons and bitches of the group pulled them all down to their level and now all I recall in my distorted view of reality, known as "Rossman Visionquesting", is that they all wanted to kill baby puppies with tire irons. God how I hate them (not the puppies, the girls)!!!

What did I think of Princess Nine? Great fear, which leads to anger. Anger which leads to hate! Hate, which leads to suf-fer-ing!!!!! I give this 26 episode collection of ditzy dames a double thumbs down and pray that the Planet of the Apes future that is soon to be upon us erases it from our human history forever.

The Rifferific
BOB From the Future

My word! Even hundreds of years in the future (where basesball has become even more tedious and suicide-inducingly boring than it is in your present time) this wicked sport is not half as painful as this abomination of should-have-been-aborted animation! The story of this wise, yet annoyingly stupid teenage whore-team made me wish that I did not have eyes or ears to witness and listen to its miscarriage of mangled malevolence the whole way through. Yes, there was even a time when I prayed that Robot Pedro would break in the door to the Rossman's place and rip my head off of my spinal column again just so that I would not have to see the next episode!

But nay, he did not. And behold, I stand before you now a broken and defeated man.... It was only afterward everything had ended that I thought of setting some hyper-plutonium charges in order to blow up the actual television and DVD devices that played this garbage. But blowing the living shit out of them after the fact was still necessary, since the evil of this show lived on inside the memories of those failed little appliances. I could hear them asking for death. I can still hear them... Or is that my Princess Nine induced voices in my head?

I do not understand why more female sports shows could not be more like the Battle Athletes Victory television show that my future took upon itself to make into a reality. Chicks who can swim an ocean in 15 minutes and then long jump the Golden Gate Bridge are real women. Plus the BAV girls have had their hearts removed in a simple surgical procedure ensuring that they do not fall in love with asshole men in the middle of their training, thus bringing shame and disgrace upon their home prefectures.

If caning was an option for a fictional animation show, then I would prescribe a good whipping for Princess Nine. I wish it a toasty afterlife in Hell, and give it a negative 3 out of a total of 4 positive stars. Loathing!!!!

The Never-Got-To-First-Base
MEGAPLAYBOY

All sports, other than the pimpin' street racin' that I's participates in, suck my hairy monster balls. That even goes for girly sports... All of which, unless they got nothin' but hot chicks in bikinis wrestling me in a tub of pudding, should be banned and illegal even in commie China.

See, womens are only good for certain things. Getting naked in pudding being one of them. Playing a boring man's sport, such as baseball, being not one of them. Suckin' my big ol' wang is a good thing they's good at. Gettin' all emotional-like and whinin' about that retard guy who can't even remember their real names is most certainly not one of them. Yeah, they do this shit anyways, even without askin' me what I feels to be propah. They tried to give these bitches some personalities to make you say shit like "Oh! That fiery red-head whore who wants to suck the alky-coaches nads is my favorite of the sluts on the field!" Fuck that shit!

The only other thing I have to say is that those dickless middleaged Asian animators over there in China better start making more of that tentacle porn shiznit or I'm gunna recommend we drop another motherfuckin' bomb on they sorry asses!