I Hope Street Fighter 5 Plays Like This
I Hope Street Fighter 5 Plays Like This
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Stuff we want to talk about
Friday, August 25, 2006

Apparently it's now "hip" to hate and bash Nintendo... But fuck you pussies who think that way. Nintendo is my bitch, baby, till the bitter end. I will stick with the Big N until they're reduced to whoring out Princess Peach and Zelda to dating sim companies. I own every produced piece of Nintendo hardware except for the Gameboy DS Lite. Yes, I still have, and play, my Virtual Boy at least once a year too. I will be a Nintendo disciple until either they go belly up or I die -- which may be within minutes of each other if I hear about the news of their bankruptcy ahead of time.

My point is that when the whole premise of the new Nintendo system, the Wii, was announced a while ago (the new controller with its TV remote appearance, gyro-based function and point-and-shoot capabilities) I think I was the only person I knew who didn't blow a raspberry and immediately get on a forum and start bitching about how "gey" and "retardedly lame" the whole thing was. I was, and am, very excited about the whole thing... But that's enough talking about today's comic (I'll talk about the Wii some more at a later date, closer to its release). Now on to more Michael Bay.

I never, NEVER, thought that I could possibly get this absolutely pissed off over a movie, let alone a movie that hasn't even been released yet. But Michael Bay has done it -- with every choice he's been given he's done every possible thing wrong with the production of the mega-budgeted, live action, Transformers movie that he's shitting together for release next summer (with the sole exception being signing Peter Cullen to voice Prime, but that wasn't really his choice to make anyway).

The plot: (as stated before on an earlier post) it's focused on the human character Spike getting laid.
The characters/robots chosen to be in the movie: woefully under-realized with no Soundwave, Constructicons, and only five Autobots.
The character designs: a bad mix of shitty Bionicle (redundant) rejects and a pile of elephant droppings. I thought that the choices for Optimus Prime's vehicle mode were godawful, but then I saw Megatron's object and robot mode... At least Prime's robot mode (gay flames and all) is SOMEwhat recognizable. Megatron looks like the love child of the EVA Unit 01 and Biollante, the walking rosebush that fought Godzilla in that lame follow up to Godzilla 1984. It looks nothing like Megatron. He doesn't even have a giant cannon on his arm. His face looks like a retarded metallic ant was punched in the nose, and as PsychoWeasel put it, "his body looks like a chrome Swamp Thing... Or at least a chrome Swamp Thing's shriveled dong."

How are these decisions are being made? "No, no, no... That design actually makes Starscream look like his original character model. The audience will know exactly who the fuck he is. No, take away his hands, replace them with Megatron's old arm gun... Yes, BOTH hands. Give him a face like a bug, and unnecessary clawed feet on deer legs. Oh fuck yeah! I, Michael Bay, am a goddamn designing GENIUS! Now bring me those dozen 8 year-old boys I ordered earlier. Yesssssss. Now leave the KY on my desk and lock the door behind you..."

*Sigh* I KNOW, it's just a movie... But once again, as I was always told, if you're going to do something (whether it be create a presentation for your boss, raise a child, hide the body of a dead hooker, or make a $200million motion picture), DO IT RIGHT. If you're going to make a movie called "Transformers," Michael Bay, MAKE a fucking Transformers movie. Make the characters recognizable. Put in the characters that we (your potential paying audience) WANT to see. Make your prime target audience happy, and you'll at least get great word of mouth when the movie's finally released. Don't piss on the source material and claim that you're a big Transformers fan yourself. One look at YOUR version of Prime, Bumblebee, Megatron and Starscream proves beyond all doubt that you are NOT a fan, and for some reason actually HATE the real fans.

Mark my words, this movie will tank harder and faster than Catwoman. At least there we got to see Halle's cleavage. Transformers is going to be nothing more but a stinky Cleveland Steamer the size of a Volkswagen on our collective chests. There's still time to fix most of these problems, but I guarantee you that Bay doesn't even see any dilemma at all. After all, he's a "true" fan.

- the Rossman