Everything you wanted to know, from Dave

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Everything, Courtesy of Dave

My younger brother Dave's a smart guy... Well, he's a smart ass who gets all of his information about what's going on in the world from the headlines off of CNN.com and the front page of Yahoo, but he swears that he's so much more intelligent "than like everybody. God they're dumb." So I thought I'd be a good big brother and allow him to prove that he knows more than anybody ever by bringing a bunch of questions about current events (that dumbass readers keep sending me for some reason) over to his shitty apartment and secretly recording his answers. Then together we can mock him forever here on my site after I post his responses (below).

So without any further ado, I bring you DAVE'S BIG BRAIN.

ME: So, anyway, Dave, as you know I'm having a hard time trying to understand this whole problem in the Middle East. I was hoping you could clarify things some for me.

DAVE: *Cheh!* Yeah, you're dumb.

Uh-huh. Well, what can you tell me?

About what? Like what's going on in the Middle East?


......................(30 seconds elapses) Well, we kind of spanked the shit out of Saddam and then those Taliban guys. So they're all dead.

But why did we do that?

Because Saddam was an asshole, and those Taliban guys let Osama bin Laden camp out in their desert to make up the plans to blow up our World Trade Centers. Oh, and the Pentagon, and that field in Pennsylvania.

Their goal was to blow up a field in Western Pennsylvania?

Jesus no! They were probably going to use that plane to blow up George Bush or maybe somebody else in New York. Who else is famous in New York? Howard Stern? David Letterman? Conan O'Brien was still in New York back then too. Oh, and if that jet actually crashed into the Saturday Night Live studio then I would have so thanked the terrorists. That show sucks now.

Awesome dumbOooookay... But then why are our soldiers still over there? They're still fighting, er, aren't they?

Well, it's complicated. You see, we killed everyone, but then like India or Pakistan keeps sending more people in to set up more bombs and kill more people and shit. I think they like set off a nuke in Afghanistan last week... That or the new Jericho super missile. Yeah, I think it was that 'cause we would have totally nuked the shit out of them if they did nuke the 'Stan.

Wait, wasn't the "Jericho" missile from Iron Man?

But then Arjemanistad, that ugly as fuck dude from Iran with that cheezy beard that makes that Spencer fag's beard from The Hills look like Mr. T's ballsack... Which is really fucking hairy. So Iran's Arjamani guy, the president, he then got all of his panties in a bunch and started building nukes for the fuck of it, even though he said they were just for nuclear reactors that he never ever built. So he's got all these nukes and now he's making missiles that can shoot to New Jersey, but like fuck it — New Jersey.

Exactly. So what's going on with Global Warming?

Oh man, we're completely fucking up the planet! It's unreal!

How so? Please elaborate.

Well, you see, it's like this: because of all the aerosol cans and hairspray and stuff that chicks use, the greenhouse gases like carbon monoxide and helium are blocking out the sun, which is leading to another ice age, which is why this winter was one of the coldest on record, and it snowed so much throughout the country. No, throughout the WORLD.

So because of Global Warming it's getting colder?

*Ugh* See, it's people with tiny brains like yours that get this shit confused. You should just start calling it "Climate Change" because it doesn't matter if it gets colder or warmer, as long as we stop making all those cars with emissions and shit. It'll get hotter or colder depending on what the scientists say.

So because of mankind it'll get hotter or colder?

Yeah, dipshit.

....Like say, "the weather"?

NO! Not like "the fucking weather"... The weather only happens when mankind doesn't fuck with it. You need to listen to Al Gore more.

Yeah, that's my problem. Anyway, what about all that falsified data and those emails coming out of the offices of those scientists who are pushing hard for the acceptance of their ideas about mankind killing everyone with hotter or colder weather? Do those hurt or help Global Warming's cause?

That's bullshit. I think those scientists were just making jokes to each other because it's so damn obvious that the world is warming—

Or cooling.

Yeah, or cooling.

Not like "the weather"

Geez! Get off that already. This is totally man-made! It's because of hairspray and car exhaust, and China! Those goddamn commies are doing more to screw over the world than all of the U.S. combined!

What about volcanoes? Don't those cause more problems too?

Oh fuck yeah! Volcanoes are causing the world to warm by like 2 degree Fahrenheit every time they erupt!

Actually, I'm pretty sure that it's been proven that when large volcanoes erupt they cause the world to cool as a whole, what with the ash and stuff blocking out the sun.

.......Goddamn retard, that's bullshit. You just don't fucking understand.


Volcanoes are HOT. Get it? They cause heat and lava and shit. Is lava cold?

Well, when it reaches the sea it cools down.

Yeah, and then releases STEAM and stuff. Get it?

Okay, lava is hot. Got it. So what about the Cretaceous and Jurassic periods?

What about them? The dinosaurs?

Yes. The Arctic and Antarctic ice caps were all melted back then, the world was almost one giant tropical environment all the way to the poles... Yet there were no SUVs and aircraft polluting the sky, making it "Global Warminger." What's up with that?

That was different. Tooooootally different. See, there were tons of volcanoes making it hot already, and also, because like the dinosaurs were like what our gas and shit is made of today, that means that they must have been FULL of carbon oxides and stuff. And there, presto!, Global Warming.

Ah yes. I apologize. I feel like a goose. Please continue.

No, I'm fucking done with that. You have to have FAITH in Global Warming. You just have to believe in it.

Like how people have faith in religion? "Faith" meaning "belief in something without actual proof of its existence?"

Not like religion! You just... Seriously, you're pissing me off.

We don't want that now. Anyway, I'm confused about this Sociali—, I mean "Universal Healthcare" thing that's happening in Washington at the moment. What's that about?

Assholes like you think that poor people shouldn't get free medicine. That's it, plain and simple. People are fighting tooth and nail against Universal Healthcare because they think only those that can afford doctors should get them.

Stupid awesome wicked dumbHave you ever talked to like a real doctor?

I don't know any real fucking doctors.

Uncle John. Thomas. Cousin Leigh...

Uh, what about them?

They're medical doctors. You should ask them about how poor people get treated in hospitals.

Oh, I know how the poor are treated! Kicked out on their asses when they can't pay!

Not exactly. They patch up poor schmucks who can't afford emergency work, and even illegals, and let them go free of charge... Honestly, how heartless do you think our medical professionals are? Plus it's like the law.

Nuh-uh. That's why why need free healthcare!

Okay, I'm just a simpleton, but how is it "free"? You do know that WE have to pay for it. By "we" I mean people with jobs and responsibilities. These poor people are already getting care when they need it, so don't you think it's a bit much to have us pay even more so that our waiting rooms can take all day?


Okay, let me ask you this: The last time you went to the DMV, what was it like?

It sucked ASS! The government sucks dick and balls, man!

Yes, I know. And do you really think that this same government would do a better job with hospitals and doctors' offices?

....Maybe? But these people NEED free healthcare!

Okay, putting aside the fact that I just told you that they already get care and are never abandoned in their time of need, WHY does anyone DESERVE free healthcare? I don't mean to sound cold hearted, but I'm pretty sure that's not in our Constitution. Yeah, it'd be great if everyone got whatever they wanted for free, but that shit ain't ever happening, especially when we're in the middle of a pretty huge recession.

But we HAVE the money, so we should use it!

Actually, no, we don't "have the money". We, as a country are broke. We have the biggest national deficit in history, and possibly the world. We can't afford another few trillion in Socialized Medicine.

Fuck you! Doctors can afford it! We should just make them pay for all the free shit for poor people!

Wow. You never talk to Thomas or Cousin Leigh do you? You know how much Medical School cost them? You know how long it'll take them to make that cash back and pay off all their loans before they start making any money for themselves? Now imagine when the government steps in and puts a major cap on their salaries. They're boned. They'll be in debt until they retire. Who the hell would want to deal with that shit? All our best brains will say "fuck you" to medicine and instead go into law or, well Christ! That would be bad enough, wouldn't it? More fucking lawyers... And SMART ones at that!

Get off your pedestal, you hippie-hating faggot. That won't happen.

Yeah, it didn't happen in Canada or Great Britain. You do realize that Aunt Laura used to live in Britain right? Remember when she found that lump? The Brit doctor said he could see her in 3 months, and if he thought it was serious it would take another 6 months before they could fit her in to get it scanned?

Yeah, and she's fine now, isn't she? You're such a fag.

Uh-huh. She's fine because the day after she found out it would three months just to see a doctor Uncle Matt flew her over to North Carolina where they saw their old doctor within a few hours, got set up for a scanning the next day, and then had her operated on one day after that. It was malignant, you dillweed, and she'd be dead now if America had a shitty healthcare system like Britain.


You are as witty as ever, plunger-ass.

I TOLD you that was an accident! Stop bringing it up! C'mere! I'll kick your ass!

Maybe if you had that plunger again you could — I wouldn't want to come near you then!



Aaaaaaand that's how it went for about 20 minutes after that, with some punches, wrestling, and wet-willies thrown in for good measure until I called in for reinforcements and Karen came over and kicked Dave in the testiculars to get him to stop strangling me.

Notes from the (Guest) Editor, the Rossman: Dave's an incredible idiot. His heart's in the right place most of the time, but he couldn't think his way out of a wet paper bag with the bottom cut out. Yeah, I'm smart enough to realize that I may not be right in everything that I think (but I doubt it), but at least I try to think of the repercussions of certain actions, and the reasons for certain things happening in the first place before I take a side. But enough about me, Dave was once found unconscious in his apartment by his (now ex-)girlfriend with his head in the toilet and a used plunger up his ass. None of us in the Ross family has ever questioned him about this (especially after he had to try and drunkenly explain it to the paramedics when Nancy called them thinking the plunger handle shishkababed him into his stomach), but it should let you know something about the kind of people who think just like he does, and believe the same shit that he does.

More from Dave later. At least I hope so.

The Rossman dot com