Rooting for DEATH: Why the Stupid Should Die

Normally I take the side of "humans" when it comes to a lot of things, especially when their opponent is Death. But I've been finding myself rooting for people's ultimate demise when I read some of the incredibly stupid shit that constitutes as news lately. People sticking parts of their bodies in places they shouldn't, people getting drunk (not bad in and of itself) and being talked into french kissing a weed-whacker, and people doing things to animals for shits and giggles, or just because they're dickheads. In cases such as these I cheer when I hear that they lost the supreme game of the universe and the Reaper proved victorious. Don't judge me.

I have written many times in the past that I believe stupid people are winning. I simply assumed that because of all the really dumb shit going on in the world at any given moment that Natural Selection was being overwritten by our own idiocy for trying to keep retards alive (for God knows what reason). But I am here to tell you today that Darwinism isn't quite dead yet. Yes, it's been kicked in the crotch, had habenero juice splashed in its eyes, and been stabbed in the stomach with a prison shiv, but don't count the idea of "survival of the fittest" out yet... The following four dipshits make me smile with their beyond-irrational insipience. Honestly, their specific cases of self-imposed Natural Selection are simply beautiful when viewed in the correct light. That light being the knowledge that "I aren't even THAT dumb... Jesus!"

The Tale of the Headless BatBoy

Six Flags Over Georgia is a rundown, beyond-its-prime, dirty, and kind of shitty amusement park... But it's got some fan-fucking-tastic rides! I make it a point to go at least once a year in order to ride the Superman, Goliath, Mindbender, The Georgia Scorcher, The Ninja, The Deja Vu, The Great American Scream Machine, The Deja Vu, and (now the most notorious) The Batman roller coasters. In June of 2008 though, some little moron (well, I shouldn't say "little," seeing as the fucker was 17 years-old) decided that he needed a closer look at the Batman ride, and apparently the experience was so incredible that it blew his fucking mind!.... All over the tracks and the pavement.

The story that I read about Asia Leeshawn Ferguson (the dumbass' real name) goes like this: Asia Leeshawn Ferguson (good Christ I love that name!) went with his family and his family's church group to Six Flags for the day. Lunch came, and because they were cheap asses — who brought their own mushed and melted peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, along with warm RC Cola and generic potato chips — the whole church group left the park proper and walked about a half a mile around from the main entrance/exit to the back of the parking lot where the abandoned picnic tables were (I honestly don't know anybody who even knew that there WERE picnic tables at the park). Before I go on, I know you're bitching "But Rossmaaaaaaaaan! These people were obviously poor fucks who couldn't afford a $7 burger combo! Don't make fun of them for bringing their own food stamp lunches!" Just shut it right there... They traveled down here from South Carolina with gas prices topping $4 a gallon, paid $20 to park, and then $40 - $60 for admission for each participant to get into Six Flags itself, but that extra $7 was going to kill them? Anyway, as it turned out, NOT buying that $7 lunch ended up killing Shit-for-Brains Ferguson... But I'm getting way aHEAD of myself.

So, back to the tale. Mr. Ferguson and his cousin then got tired of eating the soggy bread with little to no peanut butter on it, and the gooey off-brand Fritos, and so they secretly left the picnic area in order to go back into the park. Then they got a cunning plan into their mongoloid heads (the last ever for Mr. Ferguson); instead of walking all the way around to the entrance, the boys (17 year-olds, mind you) climbed over two giant fences marked with countless "DANGER," "WARNING: DO NOT ENTER," and "YOU WILL DIE IF YOU GO ANY FURTHER" signs posted on them every couple of feet, and soon found themselves in the restricted area right below the Batman roller coaster... And this is where I have to explain to you that the story that comes next changed at least three times in its telling by the cousin and the parents of Mr. Ferguson because each time they explained it out loud it sounded like THE DUMBEST goddamn shit anybody had ever heard.

Okay, so Mr. Ferguson and his cousin found themselves in the enclosure beneath the Batman ride (in which the passengers' feet dangle beneath the coaster, with a steel safety bar just behind and below the feet for some safety reason), and Mr. Ferguson thought, "Oh my God! You know what would be the funniest thing ever? What if when the roller coaster gets to its lowest point to the ground [which is about 5-6 feet] I reach up and grab somebody's shoes! LOL! I is Richard Pryor kind of funnies!" What he failed to process was that the roller coaster is going around 60 miles per hour when it passes that point, and if he DID in fact manage to grab somebody's foot he'd have either ripped it off, or gotten carried along with the coaster and slammed into a support beam himself, along with dislocating or severing the rider's limb... Thank goodness that all the shithead did was HAVE HIS OWN HEAD RIPPED THE FUCK OFF by that safety bar underneath the passengers' dangling tootsies. The cousin was shocked (SHOCKED I say!) when he witnessed this. I'm sure he was thinking "But this shit never happened to Richard Pryor!!!!! What the fuck?!"

SIX FLAGGGGS!That was the original story that the surviving cousin had first told Mr. Ferguson's parents when he called them on his cell phone from the scene of the experiment in Natural Selection. Soon though, when the police arrived and the investigation began, the parents started spreading the story that "No, he didn't try to grab somebody's feet on the ride. That's just stupid! No, he snuck into the RESTRICTED AREA and UNDERNEATH A RUNNING ROLLER COASTER because he had lost his hat on the ride when he rode it earlier. Yeah, that's right. That's MUCH less stupid." Never mind the fact that they clearly tell you that you should either store your loose articles in the lockers at the boarding gate, or hold on to them tightly prior to the ride starting, or the fact that this kid climbed into a restricted area and most retardedly got his mongoloid head sheared off (thusly never needing said hat ever again)... So many shades of stupid.

Soon after THAT story got out the family apparently decided that that reason was STILL too dumb, and they then started claiming, "Ummmm, well, you see, because the poor people's picnic are is so far away from the main gate, the two boys decided that they'd take a shortcut back into the park... And since the Batman ride has the shortest 2 barbed-wire fences around it, they thought it'd be a good idear to sneak in that way as opposed to walking another 200 yards to the actual entrance. They weren't stupid, just lazy...." Nope, still incomprehensibly stupid.

Of all the stories told, the only one that truly makes sense — well, other than the theory that Mr. Ferguson had the IQ of a half-eaten turnip (the part that was eaten and then shit out) — is the first story. The tale told in which the two boys snuck in to purposefully try and grab a Batman rider's foot. There's no WAY that two almost-adults would not hear the loud Clackity-Clackity-Clack of the train coming 'round the mountain at them, even if they were totally absorbed in "finding a hat." AND, at its lowest part the bottom of the safety bar behind the riders' feet is still around 5-6 feet off the ground; you'd HAVE TO STAND in order to get your head shaved off. This 'tard tried to hurt innocent riders with his own stupidity, but in the end only he lost his HEAD over the situation. He'll never be the HEAD of a major corporation. Why'd he have to go and get himself decapitated? It really is a major inconvenience, oh man he must really hate it. He can't eat, he can't breathe, he can't snore, he can't belch or yodel anymore. He hasn't been the same since his head and he were separated. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Probably the funniest part of all the reports I've heard on this story is the one quote from a park official on Fox News: "It isn't clear whether the boy died at the scene or was alive for a time after the incident." The only thing funnier would have been if this incident happened at the point in the ride when they take the pictures of the riders for souvenir shots.

The Case of the Drunk British Streaker

Darwin LOVES alcohol. Alcohol + stupid people really bring his theory of Natural Selection to heights undreamed of, even when those two elements are kept apart. Take for example Mr. Mark Day, British university student... Trust me, stupid people go to college all the fucking time. Colleges are just places where people learn to repeat things back to their professors like parrots. Colleges do NOT in fact cure stupid. Mr. Day proves this with a vengeance.

Just a few days after the headless fucktard incident at Six Flags, Mr. Day was having a gay old time with his university buddies while on holiday in Spain (aka Espana). Their time was SO gay in fact that after Mr. Day lost a card game, his buddies forced him to strip on a dare (I very much doubt that too much coaxing was involved) and run along a hotel corridor in just his socks and underwear. "But he lost his balance at the end of the passageway and smashed through a fifth-floor window, falling to concrete below," says the UK Telegraph. Mr. Day was pronounced "dead by splattering all over other guests and a small dog," by paramedics when they arrived at a little after 8PM. Wow. He was THAT fucking plastered by only 8PM? More importantly Mr. Day and his gay friends couldn't find a gay bar, or hell, even a straight one in which to actually DO something while on vacation other than playing strip poker with themselves in their hotel? And what the hell kind of dare is that? "Strip to your tighty whities and run around all purty like!" You just KNOW that one of Mr. Day's gang was simply dying to see his friend's bulging package, and possibly praying for a little skid mark or pee stain. There, now you have that image in your head too!

This next quote in the paper is absolutely awesome! "Mr. Day's friends, Marc [Not Really] Smart and Steve [Suck My Balls] Kimberley, both 21, who studied with him at the University of Essex, are helping police piece together the events leading up to the incident." I simply wonder WHAT could have led to him running around in his briefs, loaded to the gills with Guinness that could have ended with him smashing through a 5th story window like Robert Redford's final baseball into the stadium lights at the end of The Natural... I'm sure Mr. Day's friends cannot even fathom intoxication being a heavy factor. "It was probably his big ol' cock, swingin' around like a water balloon on a string, wouldn't you say, Marc, me chum?" "Oh, you know it, Stevie, mate. Big ol' cock, 'ee 'ad. Now we'll never be able to whack it off proper like, or suck its sweet, sweet juices from its bulbous tip..."

More than likely Mr. Day tripped or slipped on the floor in his socks, and that caused his great fall... But he HAD to have been charging at that window like a piece of straw hurled by tornado-winds through a tree trunk. Unless you really, really THROW yourself at one of those kinds of heavy-duty windows you really can't do anything to them.

So just remember: Alcohol, plus gay friends who want to see your package bouncing around in your undies, plus major stupidity equals nothing less than death.

The Case of the Beatnik Retard Who Thought She Loved Communism... Until It Shot and Killed Her

Partay!This one absolutely made me laugh out loud like a mongoloid reading Family Circus. So in early July 2008, this South Korean tourist to North Korea wandered out of her hotel one early morning, and 3/4ths of a mile into a restricted military area... Can't imagine what the middle-aged special-needs case thought would happen. Personally, I would have bet everything on "She gets shot and killed by a North Korean commie who was always told to 'shoot first, burn the evidence later.'" Well, this ex-South Korean citizen (who was once named Park Wang-ja) made my would-be wager even easier by TURNING AND RUNNING when a man in a commie uniform told her to stop, and even fired a warning shot at her... Holy St. Aunt Jemima! That's 10 kinds of stupid right there.

The first thing I don't understand is that North Korea has an actual TOURIST INDUSTRY. North Korea (for those too dumb to keep up with global affairs) is like a mix of the old U.S.S.R. and Detroit. The whole country is run down and its citizens brainwashed into believing that their so ronery leader (Kim Jung Il) is pretty much a god, yet he starves the shit out of them so that he can have shitty missiles that self destruct halfway to their test targets most of the time. North Korea is so ass-backwards that even the diseased fucks sitting in the gutters in poorest India look at them and thank their Hindu gods that they weren't born there. ON TOP OF THAT, North Korea is well known for kidnapping citizens of South Korea and Japan for God only knows what reasons... That's like seeing some guy knife another in a back alley, and then later go to see the weapon-wielding psycho at the carnival where he says he's the knife thrower and he needs a volunteer to hold an apple in his or her teeth... And you jump up and down waving your hand for him to pick you even after you see that he's going to be throwing a machete and not even a dagger. You deserve to die. Seriously, just take a fork and continuously stab yourself over and over if you think something like this is a good idea.

I really don't have much more to say about this one; it's pretty straight forward... A retard woman went to a poor as shit, and hyper-military-loving, communist country (that HATES her own country like Muslims hate cartoons of you-know-who getting backdoored by a goat), went wandering down a deserted beach, past all the warning signs saying that the land was off limits and was a military base of some sort, ran when told to stop by a soldier with a gun pointed at her who even fired a warning shot before finally shooting her dead. This would be the greatest DESERVED death that I had ever heard about had it not been for the final story that I'm about to cover...

The Man With the Acute Peritonitis... By Way of Horsecock

Hold on... Even thinking about this case makes me throw up a little in my mouth... Okay... Okay, I'm better. For a little while. The final story that makes me applaud Natural Selection comes to us by way of the mighty state of Washington. Washington is SO mighty in fact, that its horses' cocks can KILL men. Yes, it's true, and Chi-Chi made me watch this video of it so that I could no longer mock his uncanny ability to find stuff that makes me puke; he was also the one who first made me watch 2 Girls 1 Cup and The Crying Game. I don't know when it'll happen, but payback will be a total bitch.

Anyway, this Death by Horsecock video is really something, and for several reasons. I have to tell you that I never really got a good look at a horse's fully erect boner before this thing, and holy goddamn shit... Now all those references I've ever heard make sense! I am not exaggerating when I say that thing was as long as my entire arm. I saluted the hot-to-trot animal. The other "something" that I refer to is the fact that there are apparently enough gay men who enjoy reverse beastiality in Washington to necessitate a special farm whose owner allows "after hours rendezvous" with the livestock... On the fateful night that the movie Chi-Chi showed me took place (apparently back in July 2005, according to one Seattle Times article), the nameless man (after searching for a while online, all I got in any article of the incident was that he was 45 and very, very horny) apparently went to the "special farm" and requested a horse to do the honors. Once again I feel I must reemphasize the fact that this man was NOT pitching, but was CATCHING... With a male horse... Whose cock was as big and thick as my arm... Wait, I need another puke break.

The video of the "event" starts off with Nameless dropping trou as his "friends" (and I use that term VERY loosely) worked on the horse in order to get the beast exited — a couple of strokes, some rubbing, and maybe a light slap or two... on his big ol' horsecock. Nameless then bends over and the half-ton monster joyfully inches forward itself, his "at attention" schlong bouncing up and down in horsecock glee. The guy holding the camera started saying something at this point, but I couldn't tell if it was a prayer, or an exclamation of joy and a wish that he himself was in Nameless' position instead. Another guy then grabbed the throbbing co-- *BLARG!* Sorry.... Ugh, okay, so another guy grabbed the horse's ding-ding-dong and slowly lowered it into battering ram position, right at Nameless' awaiting Hershey highway... Then the stallion started thrusting.

At first everything seemed alright (well, I mean "alright" in as relative a term as I can use it in). The horse was just sticking his dork into the guy's poop chute a little bit with each push... But then ol' Shadowfax got greedy, and he SUNK his giant member so goddamn deep into Nameless that it reached the hilt and LIFTED him off his feet. I vomited the first time I saw that happen, but I think I was more surprised by the fact that I didn't see any horsecock come out of Nameless' mouth. He was SCEWERED by an animal's dick. Holy shit.

The kicker is when the horse slopped his pud out, the semen was pouring out like a *BLLLARRRRGH!*.... I.... No.... *HUFFLAAAAAAUGH!*

After the massive internal penis stabbing, Nameless' friends dressed him up a little (really, I wouldn't have wanted to touch much of anything in the immediate area after that, most especially Nameless himself), threw him in the back of one of their trucks, and then rushed him to Enumclaw Community Hospital where they simply dumped his already dead corpse on the front steps. The doctors were simply amazed by his acute peritonitis (meaning his colon was perforated... and my guess is so were his stomach, lungs and esophagus), but the police (who easily tracked down the events of the night to the farm in question) were more amazed at the "hundreds of hours" of videotape of men having sex with farm animals. I wasn't amazed (I've been around the web), but I was pretty ill for the next few days.

So, not only did this faggoty farmer allow freaks to fuck his field beasts, but he taped them all... For posterity? Evidence against him? I have no idea, but I am simply glad that this whole thing ended in somebody stupid's death. That's all I can ask for... The horse fucking STABBED Nameless THROUGH his colon! Oh My GOD!....

Lessons To Be Learned

Really, the only lesson I can think of that can possibly be learned by these four stories is to NOT do stupid things. Honestly, unless your inner voice of rationality is broken, you already KNOW not to do stupid things. So DON'T. And if it IS broken, then just kill yourself without putting any of us normals in danger. Please. You are of no use to society, and you'll only cause more warning labels on things such as plastic bags, lawn mowers, and McDonald's Big Macs to become even longer if you continue to exist. We don't need you if you think it's a good idea to make toast while in the bathtub, or smoke and eat and talk on the phone while trying to slap your kids in the backseat while driving. You are too stupid to live. Leave this world to the smart people and the moderately intelligent folks who know not to be life-threateningly stupid.

NOTES from the Editor: I've seen the Rossman try to pick his teeth with a steak-knife before... I've seen him try to make his own Batman cape that would let him float down from the roof if he jumped... I've also seen him attempt to steal a 6'5", 250lb biker's girlfriend right in front of the tattooed, skinheaded monster at the Sea Wench Pub on Hell's Angels Night...

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