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It looks ready to goShooting
The same goes for "shooting" as goes for archery. It's a WTF sport, only not even as cool as using a bow and arrow. You're using a mechanical weapon to SHOOT targets. First of all, that's not very fair (at least the bow and arrow required your own strength and concentration), second of all, it's what snipers and terrorists do all the time. Lie still, shoot at unsuspecting targets from afar. You don't see terrorists playing soccer or running the hurdles do you? I think terrorist sports have no place in international comradery games. But then again, that might just be me. I also think that Al Qaida is evil and Kim Jungle Il of Korea is a douchebag. I'm crazy that way.

My opinion: No mechanical WEAPONS should be used in good will games. I ain't no fairy pacifist, but come on, think about it. Plus, although it takes talent and skill to hit a target from afar, how is this a "sport"? Maybe if the challengers RAN after moving targets? Or if they rode on another mechanical device that they had to pedal, bike race style. Or if the targets shot back.... Ooooooooo, I like that last one.

Yay for butts!Despite the world-as-a-whole's massive hard on for this sport, soccer does indeed suck. Yeah, it's athletic, and the promise of fun is there... but it's sooooooo boring. Each match is like 4 hours long and most games end in a tie at Zero to Zero. Back when I was a kid and was forced to play soccer (it was either that or join the Boy Scouts, and John Winkler made everybody in 2nd grade embarrassed for anybody else who had to wear that really really gay uniform), I hated it with a passion. Not just because it was boring, but it was truly lame. We'd run back and forth, up and down the field. Back and forth, up and down. Back and forth, up and down. Back and forth, up and down. Back and forth, up and down. Back and forth, up and down. Back and forth, up and down. Back and forth, up and down. Now, read those last eight sentences again and again for at least another 59 minutes and you have a soccer match.

My opinion: The Olympics should be exciting, not booooooooooooooooooooring. Soccer is not exciting, it is booooooooooooooooooring. Plus it's one of those lame "team events" that I dislike so much. Fuck you, soccer.

Christ. Read my remarks on baseball. A sport and all, but a boring team sport that really doesn't belong in the Olympics. Though, if they did make the female players play the game in the truest sense of what the original Olympic competition was all about (i.e. Nude as a bear shitting in the woods), then softball could become the all around BESTEST event ever and ever.

My opinion: Fully clothed softball is the anti-boner of the games. Fully nude softball would be the shit.

Here we go! THIS is one of the main reasons I watch the Olympics! These aquatic athletes are just so incredibly unbelievably powerful! Yeah, the women are mostly flat, but they are very toned. The guys are buff and all, but whatever. I, I just watch when they're in the water. Though what's the deal with the guy swimmers wearing refrigerator repairman-bathing suits? They actually show ass crack now... I don't think the ladies even appreciate that shit.

Yay for bulls!The only thing that makes me roll my eyes a little bit in regards to the swimming events is how many different categories of swimming they give medals out for. There's the 100M butterfly, the 100M freestyle, the 1400M medley relay, the 100M doggie paddle, the 200M all of the above, the 400M same as before, the 800M anything goes, the 1600M relay for life, the 50M backstroke and the swim till you drown, no holds barred, monster grand prix. And they have all of those events for both men and women. Honestly though, I don't mind so much, even though each race averages out to like a minute or two. That just means more heated competition to watch. I'm also very glad that NBC put Swimming and Track and Field events on during primetime and all the lame stuff on either Bravo, CNBC or Telemundo during the 2000 and 2004 games. More Amanda Beard for me.... Mmmmmmm, Beeeeeeeard.

My opinion: Swimming is one of the top competitive sports ever. The athletes who participate in these events are some of the most disciplined and awe inspiring specimens of human perfection on the planet. And the women are just so damn cut in their tight tight suits! I'm a leg man, I don't really need the tits, but gimme some nice, hard legs and I'm in heaven!... Also, there's always operations for the breasts.

Synchronized Swimming
I'll include synchro diving in this category too mostly because both are the BIGGEST jokes of the Olympics. Seriously, who the FUCK initiated these two lame-ass cracker competitions in the games!?! Synchro swimming is just a reeeeeally gay dance competition set up like a 1940s musical! They're fucking dancing! Really lamely! Now, if they had danced like the Dance Team that I had a major crush on back in high school (you know, like with all the bumping, grinding, grabbing and hair flipping), THEN I might have some second thoughts about the SS... But no. As for synchro diving.... No. REGULAR diving is pathetic enough. Who gives a turkey dick if you line two assholes up and have them both jump at the same time. Now, if they base-jumped off a bridge a half mile above a stream without a bungie or parachute... Then, two thumbs up. As is, stop taking up valuable air time away from rhythmic gymnastics, you aquafucks.

My opinion: Seriously, who the fuck invented this? Who thought, "You know what would be soooo fricking sweet? If we had a team of like 20 chicks dancing in the water at the same time!! Oh!! OH!!! And they'd have to be smiling the whole time like the Joker!! Fuck me yes!!"

Table Tennis (aka FUCKING PING PONG)
You have GOT to be kidding me. The Chinese brought this shit to the games, didn't they? Yeah, the guys in the Olympics are reeeeeally good. They could probably even kick Carl's ass at the Rat Cellar downtown with no real effort. But I can kick ass in darts and pool when I'm totally loaded... Doesn't mean that I'm a world class "athlete" or anything. Why don't they just set up pinball as an Olympic challenge? Or that arm wrestling game in the corner of the Sea Wench Pub that I always do sort of good at? Ping Pong? How about skee ball? I once got the 100-point circle at the top of that without cheating. I swear to God! I could easily get the Gold in skee ball.

My opinion: If the game is a draw at a bar in my college town, it is NOT an Olympic sport.

Yay for racquets!!Tennis (REAL Tennis)
This I'll let pass. It may not seem really Olympic in nature at first glance, but it has all the requirements. It's one on one, it's fast and exciting, and the women all wear tight, white skirts and shout out "RRRRrrrAAARGH!" whenever they pound the ball back at their opponent. REAL tennis actually has the competitors running around to hit the ball away from them on a huge court. That's how this actually becomes a real sport above ping pong. Fat fucks can play ping pong. You can still eat and drink in the middle of a game in ping pong. No real sport allows its players to garble down a bag of Spicier Nacho Doritos while in the middle of a serve. Plus it's so enjoyable to see the losers of tennis matches go all ape shit on their racquets. They are always so overemotional. I just love tennis hissy fits. And when a racquet actually goes flying and hits somebody, I reach orgasm.

My opinion: Tennis is what ping pong pretends to be. If the lamers who do nothing but paddle one of those little plastic balls that always used to drop on Captain Kangaroo back and forth all day and night actually put some effort into it, they could be world class tennis stars. For some reason that pisses me off, despite the fact that I don't even have enough personal drive to not puke on the ping pong table at the pub once I shoot past my Killian's limit.

I honestly don't know much about taekwondo, but it's fun to watch. That's the martial art with lots of kicking and stuff, right? Yeah, that's good stuff. Once again though the Olympics pussifies and taints a glorious beat-the-crap-out-of-each-other sport by making the combatants wear protective gear. I swear, they look like that retard kid who sits in the back of the bus with his special helmet and orange puffy vest. You wear crap like that when you're swimming or attacking a grizzly bear. When you're planning to kick somebody in the face, you should have enough faith in your leet skills to believe that you can stop HIM from doing the same to YOU. Henceforth, you don't need to bubble-wrap your balls up and look like a momma's boy if you're pretending to be a bad-ass.

My opinion: Good stuff. Worthy of an Olympic event.

Track and Field
THIS IS IT! This is what the Olympics are all about! Pure running, jumping and throwing. This is what the ancient Greeks originally came up with, and all the track and field events are STILL the best ways to find out who is the all around greatest athlete in the world! There's only one competition that ranks higher than all the T&F events combined, but I'll get to that next.

Track and Field: Throwing Shit
First let me talk about all the T&F events that require things to be thrown: the hammer toss, the discus, the javelin, and the shot put. It just amazes me how far those guys can toss their loads! Secretly I always hope that the dude in the hammer toss will twirl just a half of a step too far and throw that fucker right into the stands! And I always sit at the edge of my seat while watching the javelin throw just PRAYING that the athlete will skewer one of the measuring judges! I heard that it happened once, but I never saw it live. I think that would make my life complete. Seriously, these are competitions where you REALLY have to trust the guy doing the throwing. If his wife just left him, or State Farm just called him to tell him that his dead gay lover's life insurance policy won't benefit him, shit man... Get the hell away from him and start running in a zig-zag pattern.

Track and Field: Jumping
The long jump, the hurdles, the pole vault.... Wow. I always like the pole vault most of all because I always imagined the athletes trying to jump over the flagpole at the end of each Super Mario Bros. level. Whenever they'd make it over I'd jump up and down and shout, "Yes! Canada got 10,000 points! They're off to save the Princess now!" And whenever they'd crash into it or flub their approach I'd always bemoan, "Ohhh man... Portugal just got the smack down by Bowser... Now they'll never make it to level 8-4."

The long jump is pretty cool though too. I still find it hard to believe that humans can jump that far. I guess that scene in Escaflowne where Hitomi had to jump something like fifty yards from the airship to the floating fortress really wasn't all that far fetched. I always liked the hurdles too just because every race with them seemed to end with at least one runner crashing face first into the track. Holy shit, that has got to be beyond painful and completely embarrassing. Heh, but by God do I get my sick kicks from it. Damn, you can just hear them scraping the pavement as they peel off 4-5 layers of skin before they grind to a bloody halt. Years of training and practice down the tubes because for one split second they wondered if they turned off the oven before they left their Olympic apartment that day.

Irish pig fucker!Track and Field: Running
Oh yes!! Thanks to Battle Athletes I have a newfound appreciation for running events. Especially the 100M dash. Personally I think that the only two running events should be the marathon and the 100M. You're either a distance runner or a sprinter. There is no in between. The 5,000M is just for wimps who THINK they're distance runners. Nope. You're just lame-rods who can't handle hills. Granted, I am glad they have 60 thousand individual running events, as it keeps the prime time coverage going for the full two weeks, but it's mostly just the same guys and gals competing and recompeting for the same top spots over and over. The only way I can really think to spice all the running up is by adding giant walls with four "doors" in them where only 3 of the 4 are actually tissue paper and the athlete has to decide on the spur of the moment which opening to go for. I'd actually pay good money to go see that kind of thing live!

My opinion of all T&F events: Just what the doctor ordered. This is what those old Greek dudes meant when they put all this stuff together oh so long ago. Though I still believe the girls should be naked while they participate. Not the guys though... Too much *flapping* around.

I mentioned above that there was really only ONE event that eclipsed the T&F stuff to decide who was the greatest athlete of the day... This is it. The athletes swim for a mile in open waters, then they bike ride for 26 or so miles all around town, up and down monster hills, and finally they RUN for 6 miles to the finish line. Wow. The winners of this event should be crowned Emperor and Empress of the Olympics (even higher in the final athletic rankings than if they fought and beat M Bison!). This isn't like the Decathlon either where the competitors don't have to do everything in one day. Nope, the triathletes go from one event into the other into the other. I just get tired thinking about this challenge. But I'm a narcoleptic, so back the fuck off. I really don't have anything bad to say about this event. I root for everyone in it. It's like the only Olympic competition where I don't want somebody to wipe out or drown or get run over by a Volkswagen Beetle. I really can't explain it. Is it because I have a deep appreciation for what they're able to do? Dunno. Is it because by the time the coverage gets to the triathlon I'm usually too drunk to care if anyone gets maimed or slaughtered? Whatever. Long live the triathlon!

My opinion: The greatest test of the merit of an athlete. Triathletes, I salute you!

Holy Christ! How many more fucking events are there? Look, I'm getting tired of writing this shit, and you're probably only skimming this page yourself, so let's do eachother a favor and let me just go all Cliff's Notes on you. Volleyball, see my writings on beach volleyball, take away the bikinis and hotness, add 4 more people per side and presto.

My opinion: Yay! Volleyball!!

Water Polo
Frank: "I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo."
Jack: "Maybe they're playing Marco Polo... Marco!"
Frank: "Polo! Man, that's a good game."

My opinion: Even gayer than field hockey. Water polo is for the losers who couldn't make the time trials for the 800M butterfly. Fags.

Pretty cool to watch if you give a shit. It's amazing how much those tough bastards can lift above their heads.

My opinion: I won't say anything bad here cause even the fly-weight lifters could kill me with their bare hands... Though is it natural to kind of wish that they lose control of the bar while 2 tons are perched over their skulls? Just me, huh...

The last event I have to cover! Woo hoo!! Now, wrestling is one hell of a tough sport. I've been doing it since I was two against my older brother, and it was difficult and painful even before my boys dropped and there was the chance for any real damage to my future children. If you're tough enough to stare down and grapple with a 6'5", 340 pound gorilla with nothing but a leotard to protect you, then you have mangos of steel, my brother. Do they even have "chick wrestling"? If not why not? And why don't they allow tag teams or folding chairs. "The folding chair is legal, and the judges can't do anything about it!"

My opinion: Only the allowance of punching could make this event any cooler an event. Hulk Hogan RULZ!!

So there you have it.

Despite some of the lamest competitions under the sun being made "gold medal" events, the Olympics is/are pretty cool. The best athletes (and ping pong players) in the world all in one town for two weeks every 4 years just to kick the other countries' asses without one explosive device present (well, except for Atlanta in '96). Maybe someday the universe will solve all of its problems with events such as this... Just like in Battle Athletes the OVA! Yahoo! One more plug for anime! Peace, I'm outta here!

Notes From the Editor:

The Olympics aren't even the only game in town. I don't think the Rossman even understands this. There are worldwide track meets practically every month somewhere on the planet. Same goes for swimming and gymnastics. Most world records aren't even broken at the Olympics. If you notice during all of the competitions they always have "Olympic Record" and "World Record" at the bottom corner of the TV screen, and the World Record is always a couple of seconds faster than the Olympic one. Fuck the Olympics! Every two years (thanks to the Winter Games too) I always miss two weeks of Friends, Seinfeld or ALF! What price must we pay for international unity?!?