for Gary Coleman for California Governor
Now, as a show of support (and even though none of us have
any say in the final matter what with us being 3,000 miles away from
even being considered legally able to vote in this election), I have
gathered together the Rossman posse in order to tell the world that
Strokes is the best man for the job of California State Governor (yes,
even better than Larry Flint). Let's hear it from them!
Coleman changed my life. I used to be a Satan-worshipping, deer blood
drinking waste of human filth. But then one day I caught that rerun
episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Janet Jackson
guest starred and I just knew that things had to change for me. I
mean, there I was,
drenched in horse intestines, drawing pentagrams on the walls of
my apartment when all of a sudden I hear cute little Arnold saying
some shit like, "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, you dick-ass bitch?!
You get back the hell over here and use your tongue like the girls
Beijing!"... Or something along those lines. The point is, I
was at the verge of madness. I was about to burn my place to the
and tell the
cops that Blaire from The Facts of Life told me to do it. But Arnold
saved me. And he can save you too, California! Please.... PLEASE
elect Gary Coleman to be your next Governor! Lord knows that we need
more midgets in high power! Plus, he'd just look so damn cute behind
that big ol' desk, his feet dangling as he signed execution notices
to dwarf killers and ex-child actors. And just imagine what he'd
do for satire television everywhere! Saturday Night Live might get
good again if they do a Gary Coleman sketch every other episode.
If not for yourself, California, do it for the rest of us!
Yes, 80's TV lovers, that's Gary Coleman
with Buck Roger's Twiki. Gary is so fucking tit-tastic that he can travel
to the 25th century! Arnold Schwarzenegger's only gone
into the mid 21st at most. Fag.
I am an automaton. I cannot feel hu-man emotions such as love,
pity, despair, or RAGE. No, wait a minute. Yes I can. And I feel
robot rage is boiling over at the thought of not having Gary Coleman
as our Georgia Governor. This rage is burning my logic boards into
ash.... But I can bear the raging pain, if and only if you Californians
out there do the right thing. Elect Gary Coleman. Don't make me
kill you all. Don't worry, I will be able to figure out a way to
exterminate all of your lifeforces if my hand is called. Gary Coleman
is the most cut-ass-rugged flesh pod on this miserable little planet.
He is your only salvation. I have seen the future, hu-mans, and
with Gary Coleman it can be good. Gary has a way with robots. He
only one who can save you from my brethren's wrath when the Robot
Head Melting Wars erupt in the next few years. I feel that I have
betrayed my brothers in warning you of this upcoming event, but
Gary can make even the most heartless and unremorseful robot feel
love of a hu-man. Below you will even find an historic image of
when Gary Coleman attempted to become a robot himself. *Sniff*
me at, "What chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
Maybe, but only with Gary's help, can
we escape annihilation when the robots come to steal your medication.
Gary's even got the teen valley-girl vote!
Wasn't he that midget from TV? Jeesus! The Rossman wants me to support
some kid who's running for the gubernatorial seat in an election
on the other side of the country?! This is just retarded. I fucking
hated that show! It was so unbelievable! Who
would even write a sitcom where some little black kid needs to be
raised by a rich white family in some enormous apartment in the middle
of the big city. Like white people are the only salvation for African
American kids who suffer from dwarfism... Plus he was just a horrible
horrible actor! I swear to God, Webster was one
of the worst television shows ever put on this spoiled Earth. Whoever
green lighted that
1/2 hour piece of weekly garbage should be shot and set on fire in
the middle of some rich white neighborhood.. Then we'll see just
how many loving rich white people choose to give a rat's ass. Christ,
what a world...
It's a little known fact, but Gary is so
uber-tastically fuckably cool that he was animated... Twice!
What the fuck?.... Gabby Colepan? Who the shit is this Gabby bitch?
What? Okay, yeah sure, I'll sign your faggy petition... Just refill
my beer for me. Oh shit... I don't feel so well....
Gary even shines up like a penny! Here he
is cutting in line on the red carpet during the premiere of
3: Rise of the Vibrating Machines.
including me, that's five people that I talked to who agreed to support
Gary Coleman's run for the California Senate seat. Now, multiply
that by the 50 million people who actually live in Georgia, and then
add the 25 million who live in California and you have an assload
of Gary Coleman supporters! You know what, I think I'll actually
stop my campaign for THE ROSSMAN IN THE WHITEHOUSE IN 2016 if Gary
makes governor. I will then shift all my support to the GARY COLEMAN
TICKET and do my best to make the little god the next president of
these United States.
Just imagine the State Dinners and World Conferences!
-"Excuse me, President Coleman, but the King of China wants to
have a word with you about dismantling intercontinental ballistic
missiles and destroying the world's stockpile of nuclear weapons."
-"What chu talkin' 'bout, Mr. Wang Chung?! Destroy our
nukes? You're crazy, ya Oriental mo' fo'! I'll destroy our nukes
Right up your ass! Or better yet, you get down here and kiss my little
black ass! Come on! It's so little that you might be able to get
the whole thing in your mouth, Buttercup!"
This is my final plea to EVERYBODY in California: "PLEASE!!!!
For the love of all that is holy! Elect Gary Coleman! The world needs
NOTES FROM THE EDITOR: Nothing, NOTHING in
this "article" made any sense! Why am I even writing anything here?!
It's all pointless. Everything the Rossman touches is pointless. This
must stop! I say, elect Arnold Swollenpecker and make the Rossman shut
up about Gary Coleman. Plus it'll get Arnold to stop making crap movies.
My life sucks.
to the Main Examiner Page >
go to the main Chronicle Page