Georgians for Gary Coleman for California Governor
page II

Now, as a show of support (and even though none of us have any say in the final matter what with us being 3,000 miles away from even being considered legally able to vote in this election), I have gathered together the Rossman posse in order to tell the world that the midget from Diff'rent Strokes is the best man for the job of California State Governor (yes, even better than Larry Flint). Let's hear it from them!

Gary Coleman changed my life. I used to be a Satan-worshipping, deer blood drinking waste of human filth. But then one day I caught that rerun episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Janet Jackson guest starred and I just knew that things had to change for me. I mean, there I was, drenched in horse intestines, drawing pentagrams on the walls of my apartment when all of a sudden I hear cute little Arnold saying some shit like, "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, you dick-ass bitch?! You get back the hell over here and use your tongue like the girls in Beijing!"... Or something along those lines. The point is, I was at the verge of madness. I was about to burn my place to the ground and tell the cops that Blaire from The Facts of Life told me to do it. But Arnold saved me. And he can save you too, California! Please.... PLEASE elect Gary Coleman to be your next Governor! Lord knows that we need more midgets in high power! Plus, he'd just look so damn cute behind that big ol' desk, his feet dangling as he signed execution notices to dwarf killers and ex-child actors. And just imagine what he'd do for satire television everywhere! Saturday Night Live might get good again if they do a Gary Coleman sketch every other episode. If not for yourself, California, do it for the rest of us!

Beedy beedy beedy
Yes, 80's TV lovers, that's Gary Coleman with Buck Roger's Twiki. Gary is so fucking tit-tastic that he can travel to the 25th century! Arnold Schwarzenegger's only gone into the mid 21st at most. Fag.

Yes. I am an automaton. I cannot feel hu-man emotions such as love, pity, despair, or RAGE. No, wait a minute. Yes I can. And I feel that my robot rage is boiling over at the thought of not having Gary Coleman as our Georgia Governor. This rage is burning my logic boards into ash.... But I can bear the raging pain, if and only if you Californians out there do the right thing. Elect Gary Coleman. Don't make me kill you all. Don't worry, I will be able to figure out a way to exterminate all of your lifeforces if my hand is called. Gary Coleman is the most cut-ass-rugged flesh pod on this miserable little planet. He is your only salvation. I have seen the future, hu-mans, and with Gary Coleman it can be good. Gary has a way with robots. He is the only one who can save you from my brethren's wrath when the Robot Head Melting Wars erupt in the next few years. I feel that I have betrayed my brothers in warning you of this upcoming event, but Gary can make even the most heartless and unremorseful robot feel the love of a hu-man. Below you will even find an historic image of when Gary Coleman attempted to become a robot himself. *Sniff* He had me at, "What chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Gary rocks even as a robot!!
Maybe, but only with Gary's help, can we escape annihilation when the robots come to steal your medication.

Isn't she dead?
Gary's even got the teen valley-girl vote!

ANGRY AmyWho? Wasn't he that midget from TV? Jeesus! The Rossman wants me to support some kid who's running for the gubernatorial seat in an election on the other side of the country?! This is just retarded. I fucking hated that show! It was so unbelievable! Webster PopodopolousWho would even write a sitcom where some little black kid needs to be raised by a rich white family in some enormous apartment in the middle of the big city. Like white people are the only salvation for African American kids who suffer from dwarfism... Plus he was just a horrible horrible actor! I swear to God, Webster was one of the worst television shows ever put on this spoiled Earth. Whoever green lighted that 1/2 hour piece of weekly garbage should be shot and set on fire in the middle of some rich white neighborhood.. Then we'll see just how many loving rich white people choose to give a rat's ass. Christ, what a world...

It's a little known fact, but Gary is so uber-tastically fuckably cool that he was animated... Twice!

Whoa! What the fuck?.... Gabby Colepan? Who the shit is this Gabby bitch? What? Okay, yeah sure, I'll sign your faggy petition... Just refill my beer for me. Oh shit... I don't feel so well....

Gary on the red carpet
Gary even shines up like a penny! Here he is cutting in line on the red carpet during the premiere of
Sperminator 3: Rise of the Vibrating Machines

Now, including me, that's five people that I talked to who agreed to support Gary Coleman's run for the California Senate seat. Now, multiply that by the 50 million people who actually live in Georgia, and then add the 25 million who live in California and you have an assload of Gary Coleman supporters! You know what, I think I'll actually stop my campaign for THE ROSSMAN IN THE WHITEHOUSE IN 2016 if Gary makes governor. I will then shift all my support to the GARY COLEMAN TICKET and do my best to make the little god the next president of these United States.

Just imagine the State Dinners and World Conferences!

-"Excuse me, President Coleman, but the King of China wants to have a word with you about dismantling intercontinental ballistic missiles and destroying the world's stockpile of nuclear weapons."

-"What chu talkin' 'bout, Mr. Wang Chung?! Destroy our nukes? You're crazy, ya Oriental mo' fo'! I'll destroy our nukes alright... Right up your ass! Or better yet, you get down here and kiss my little black ass! Come on! It's so little that you might be able to get the whole thing in your mouth, Buttercup!"

This is my final plea to EVERYBODY in California: "PLEASE!!!! For the love of all that is holy! Elect Gary Coleman! The world needs him!!"

NOTES FROM THE EDITOR: Nothing, NOTHING in this "article" made any sense! Why am I even writing anything here?! It's all pointless. Everything the Rossman touches is pointless. This must stop! I say, elect Arnold Swollenpecker and make the Rossman shut up about Gary Coleman. Plus it'll get Arnold to stop making crap movies. My life sucks.

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