12/18/2003
It's something I've researched for years. The holiday question to end all holiday questions: Who is Santa Claus? After pouring over maybe half a dozen page clippings and articles about the famous immortal, and interviewing two or three eye witnesses who may or may not have been drunk or stoned when they saw or talked to him, I have come to my startling conclusion as to who and what the man behind the beard truly is.
First
let's examine the big guy's mind-reading legend in detail. It's
said that Santa knows when you are sleeping and/or awake. He knows
when you've been bad or good too. That tells me that he's a telepath
on the same level as the powerful Professor Charles Xavier! Sure,
the "knowing
when you're sleeping or awake" thing is pretty simple. Most
kids can't fake sleep too well, and if a large man sneaks into
their room to check on them they'd probably blow it and open their
eyes or pretend to snore. That's a total give-away. But the whole "knowing
if you've been bad or good" skill kind of freaks me
the fuck out. Just think about it for a moment. I don't expect
the
big
man to be able to pry into my deepest, darkest thoughts
at any given time, but it's hinted that he can at least sense peoples'
emotions, and on a grand scale (all of the gentile boys and girls the world
over). He's probably like a living lie detector who can mentally
sort out the feelings of guilt whenever a child lies, breaks something,
hurts someone, or shoots up with some White Thai Heroine in a back
alley behind an illegal whorehouse at 2AM on a Wednesday morning
in downtown Atlanta. Does he have to use a mind amplifying device,
like Cerebro? Does he 
have
to concentrate really hard and get a Scanners vein pumping on his
forehead? Well, whatever he does, I highly doubt he can keep it
up 12 months of the year nonstop without a break. So, I'm willing
to bet that kids have a decent sized window of opportunity each
day to do some naughty things and not get called on it.
Santa's legend goes back a looong time. In fact, St. Nicholas was actually born about 17 hundred years ago! How can this be, you ask? Is Santa a zombie, you ponder? Probably not. Zombies eat childrens' brains. They don't give children warm, fuzzy feelings and nicely wrapped presents. Is Santa a time traveler who travels forward to the 24th of December every year in order to keep his legend alive? Doubtful. The stress of only living the same hectic globetrotting 24 hour period over and over again, one right after the other, for the rest of his life would have killed the fat man ages ago. Look at any picture of him. He's a bowl full of jelly and a peanut-butter cookie away from massive cardiac arrest. His system just wouldn't be able to handle that. So, the only other explanation is that Santa Claus is a highlander. He is immortal. I've heard of some overprotective and trigger happy fathers accidentally plugging Santa (thinking he was a burglar or Uncle Frank) with a couple of volleys of lead, and he still walks away with nary a scratch on him. See, the only way to take Kringle down is to decapitate him with a sword. And he's had years of practice evading the MacCleods and the Methoses of the world, so you know he's fast and limber beyond what his frame suggests... Just an observation.
Next, let's inspect Santa's whole "flying reindeer" thing. Beyond any doubt, I'm 100% positive that it's true (too many people have seen his flying sleigh or written catchy holiday songs about it for it to be false), but I want to get into how it is possible. Santa must be some kind of mad scientist to be able to pull this one off. Those reindeer must be either genetic experimentations (i.e. lab mutants) or he's hooked up some kind of anti-gravity thingies to them. I'm willing to believe that it's the latter, simply because if the reindeer were truly genetically merged with another kind of creature that had the power of flight, they would more than likely have wings too. There are no Earthly animals that can "fly" or "hover" (abilities needed for the VTOL precision landings on rooftops and such that the reindeer perform each year) without the aid of "wings". And in all of the legends, photographs and material witnesses that I've come in contact with, none of them have ever mentioned seeing "wings" on the reindeer. So, Santa must have invented a quadruped-enabled rocket pack of great power and durability (they fly around the world in a night!). That is very impressive. Not even NASA or the Rocketeer have created something that can last long enough to do that and still be small enough to hook up to the back of a pack animal..... Hmmmmm, or maybe Santa's just into the black arts and by sacrificing an elf each year to the Dark Lord he is granted the power of flight to his herd of herbivores for just one night each December 24th.... Nah, impossible. There's no way Satan would be a part of anything that involved giving shit away to good children. Santa must be (or have in his employment) Q from James Bond fame.
Speaking
of "employment", this next part delves into Santa's operation. Just
how does one immortal fat man finance such an incredibly
huge under-the-table labor exercise such as this? Seriously, I don't
know about you, but the Claus has left me tons of toys
in the past that
I know he did not have his enormous army of indentured
elves build... 
Well,
not without being cracked down on by anti-bootleg government groups
and the CIA. In my youth, the man had given me
lots of G.I. Joe figures and vehicles, Transformers, Atari and
later Nintendo games and board games. He would have to have
bought all those things himself or suffer being shut down by Hasbro
and
Milton
Bradley. So, I got to thinking, are these toys he gives out actually
pay-offs for something? Are they bribes? Maybe, I wondered, when
Santa is in our head checking for naughty things he really can
see more than just "guilt" or "happiness"... Maybe he can see how
much
our parents make each year, where they shop, and where they take
us out to eat. Maybe Santa then sells this information on to corporate
America for a mad cash flow all his own... Maybe the reason he
gives us all those presents is to keep us from getting suspicious
or to keep us from suing his chubby ass off.... It all makes sense
when you think about it. He spends 360 some odd days a year passing
on valuable spending habits of all the world's parents to advertisers,
and then just a week buying presents for the kids that he
just
mind-raped
so that they won't subpoena him in front of the Supreme or the
World Court. He's actually got a great gig going on here. I wonder
just how much he rakes in. It must be billions if not trillions each year,
considering how much he puts back into the bribes, in order for
him to still be doing it.
More thoughts on Santa's super-scientific abilities follow. So... Santa can make it around the world, visiting every non-Jewish kid on the planet in one night; He can secretly enter every house (even those without fireplaces or any other unlocked openings); And he can transport an almost infinite amount of toys in his big sack to last him the whole trip. Hmmmmm, me thinks some heavy, futuristic super-science is afoot. Firstly, let's tackle the "around the world in a night" deal. We know it's possible, just check under your tree on Christmas Morning to see all your loot that the obese, jolly man left, then call up some kid in Japan to see if he or she got some Santa shit too. Chances are they did (unless they killed their teacher or play pal that year and were on the "naughty list"). Now granted, Santa has all those time zones working in his favor. He really does have a full 24 hours to get through his list, and not simply the 15 or so hours of darkness that we just think of as "nighttime". But that's still quite an incredible feat. Since we already ruled out the black arts as the sorce of his "magic", the only ways to accomplish this are by super-science. Either Santa has some device that can halt or slow down the temporal effect of space time in our universe, or he has some cut-ass-rugged "space warping" function built into his rocket sled. Either way, I am very impressed. There is also the theory that Santa has cloned himself, or hired other people to play his role for different areas of the world (which would explain why some black people claim they've seen a "black Santa", and some Chinese folk have come forward with seeing some kind of skinny-assed "Asian Santa"), but that just sounds like utter BS to me. The stories of multi-racial Santas are very few and far between. And the people who make those allegations are usually just publicity hounds hoping for a small block of print in the newspapers or a 15 second blurb on the 11Alive News. And the idea of a "cloned Santa" to help the original out is an ill thought out claim too. See, clones may have the same genetic makeup of the original, but they don't have the same life experiences. So unless Santa cloned himself and then brainwashed all of his copies to perfection so that they would actually want to help the original out with his Christmastime buy-offs, I doubt that even 1% of the completed clones would assist out of their own free wills. And that being the case, don't you think that somebody would have already found Santa's mass graves for all the failed clones that he was forced to kill in order to keep his whole operation a secret? Think about it. "Time stopping" or "space warping" devices are the only real answer.
As for the "sack of goodies", one word: Subspace. The opening to the sack is really just a tearing in the infinite subspace fabric of reality. He's probably got a couple thousand elves stashed in there and they hand him the gifts he needs when he reaches a certain location. It's simple when you get down to it.
So,
there you have it. I hope you've all learned something about Santa, and
maybe even yourselves, today. The man behind the legend is more
than likely a mighty highlander telepath who feeds "spending facts
and figures" to advertising firms for big bucks while he creates
super-scientific
devices that allow him to enter any house unknown to its occupants and
leave them bribes underneath their Christmas trees. See, this also explains
why he doesn't visit Jewish houses, their spending numbers are pretty
low, and the advertising firms refuse to pay for their info. Never underestimate
the power of the scientific method. Or commercialism!
| Notes from the Editor: Jeezus Christ! I'm Jewish and I'm insulted. The Rossman's theory is sound enough, and that's what pisses me off! How dare that fat fuck of an elf diss an entire religion just because of some slander against us that claims that we're cheap... If it didn't cost 37 cents to mail a letter I'd give the tubby bastard what for! |