Do's and Don'ts of Hawaii
While Spike was going for the
gold in his mini Disgusting-Olympics (Ugly Chick Laying
Competition), Harry and I started scoping out the rest of the
bar. Harry couldn't make eye contact with anything that even
resembled a bipedal girl, but I on the other hand found a table
of three cuties who made room for me to skooch in with them.
They were all from England or Scotland and they had the greatest
accents. I immediately started gelling with Abigail the Scot,
but I kept goofing around with Jess and Mary too so that they
didn't feel left out. We were all laughing and having a great
time until the bored Spike and Harry came over. Spike made an
ass of himself from the get-go by pushing Mary and Abigail apart,
plopping a chair in between them and pointing to Mary while stating,
"Hey Ross.... I'll take the blonde with the big tits if
you don't mind... *BELCH*". This would not have bothered
me in the least if the girls were already drunk and could have
brushed his comment off as a retarded man's jibber jabber, but
they had only had one Long Island Iced Tea each at that point
(and Jessica didn't even get to finish her's as she threw it
into my acquaintance's face).
The rest of that night turned into a collage of blurs, but
despite that I do remember many specific instances. For example,
I recall: Mary kicking Spike in the shins and running off in
a huff because he said she looked chunky in her sleeveless shirt;
Harry buying us three rounds of Long Island Iced Teas each and
making us drink them all in under 5 minutes; me finishing a pitcher
of Ice House by myself in under 10 minutes; me making the two
remaining girls say "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the
plain" in cockney accents and then giggling my ass off;
that old drunken sailor behind us who kept trying to get into
our action; all the money in my wallet (around $90) disappearing
before 3AM; and coming back from the bathroom to find Spike and
Harry alone at the table grinning like idiots and talking to
each other in hushed tones.
"don't" that I happened on perchance was DO NOT go
chasing after monkeys into the rain forest. That is the easiest
fucking way to get lost in Hawai'i. I thought I saw a little
leopard tailed spider monkey swinging through the trees like
Christopher Lambert in Greystoke, so I had to follow in
the hopes that I might find his Lucky Charms and get a magically
good part of my breakfast as a reward for not eating his head.
Soon, though, I found that the trail of pornography that I left
behind to help me find my way back to civilization was picked
up by other lost travelers who were a lot more hard-up than I
was. It took me over 7 minutes to find my way back to the hotel
pool and it scarred me for life! I didn't even catch that monkey.
Since I had just relieved myself of a bunch of the toxins
in my system I was seeing clearer and had decent judgment at
the time, and so I knew that something was up. Abby and Jess
were gone so I asked my "pals" where they went. I was
told that they left to change so that we could all go to the
beach for some night swimming. That sounded kinda kinky to me,
so I was ready for it. But then Spike turned to me and said "So,
Rossman, what do you plan to do?" Knowing full well that
he was trying to shove me out of the babe line-up (that I had
put together myself) I responded, "I plan to do Abby. Which
one of you guys is gunna get the shaft?" That's when they
both got hyper defensive and told me that I "blew my chance
with either girl" when I went to use the john the last time.
Neither could explain why Abby couldn't keep her hands off of
my crotch or stop nibbling my ear if she didn't want some Rossman
luvin' that night though. We almost got kicked out of Spinners
because we started yelling at each other so loudly, but at that
point Jess and Abby came back to our table in their bikinis.
I stopped yelling and almost began laughing.
I had pissed most of my beer goggles away by the time the
two ladies had returned. And what I saw with sober eyes was not
very pretty. Jess was no Elizabeth Hurley (who in Austin Powers
was totally poundable). She wasn't even a Mini-Me. Though it
looked as if she had eaten the midget clone of an evil
person. Abby did have red hair like I remembered, but I most
definitely did NOT see the "wide load" sign that she
must've had taped to her back or the pockmarks that littered
her face making her look like Edward James Olmos' unfortunate
daughter. I quickly said my good-byes and alohas, and left the
four horny lovebirds alone. The last thing I heard as I walked
away was "What?! Ross isn't coming with us? I... I don't
know if I wanna go now. He said he was going to play Jaws
with me in the waves." Sorry, Abby. Not in this lifetime.
the MegaPlayboy and I visited Pearl Harbor we hit upon a major
"do". That would be "Do start your take over
of the world planning with the many fancy weapons you might
find just lying around."
goal to become Supreme Chancellor of All Hot Bodied Women (SCAhB-W)
had to begin somewhere, and the confiscation of numerous guns
and missiles and such was the first step that I'd procrastinated
over for too long now.
you can see the MegaPlayboy testing the equipment out to make
sure that they blew things up good and pretty-like. They did.